Disclaimer: Not mine.

Full Circle

That stupid godamned well. I should have destroyed it way back when I tried to send her home.

That's not true. It was already too late by then.

I already loved her then.

I should have killed her when I had the chance. Back before this whole fucking thing started. Or let that centipede demon bitch do it for me. But then I would never have known her ...

I'm an idiot.

You know what's worse than being alone?

Being alone and knowing that you didn't have to be.

And that it's your own damned fault.

And if that's not bad enough, I have to watch her with him. Yeah. 'Cause it wouldn't suck enough to have lost her, she has to be somewhere I can see her and have the fact that she loves him now rubbed in my face.

Bastard. Shit sucking son of a bitch.

Yeah, yeah, I know that's not fair, but fuck if I care. I love her and she loves him, and there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

I can't even kill him. She'd never forgive me. Which, you know, might not be that bad a thing, 'cause then she'd go home and I wouldn't have to watch them, but then I'd have to live with knowing I'd hurt her.

Hurt her more than I already have.

What, you didn't think I knew that? I may be an idiot, but I'm not completely fucking stupid you know.

'Course I had my head too far up my ass to realize how badly I was hurting her then. I knew that following after Kikyou hurt her, but I didn't realize how much.

See, here's the thing.

I was so busy chasing after the ghost of the only person who'd ever treated me as something other than a disgusting freak to realize that she loved me. REALLY loved me, I mean.

Feh. It's not like I had a lot of experience with being loved you know.

So there was Kikyou, who had loved me, and who died because of me, and I couldn't just let it go. I felt so damned guilty, like it was my fault she died, even though I knew it was Naraku who killed her, because of Onigumo's stupid obsession.

She should have let the bastard die. But no, she was a miko, and it was her duty to heal him, and so she did, and you know the rest. Fucker.

But there she was, and I coldn't admit that she was gone, that I was alone again.

Like I said, I'm an idiot. I wasn't alone, even then, but I was too fucking stupid to realize it.

She loved me.

I chased Kikyou, she watched me. I chased Kikyou, she watched me. I chased Kikyou some more, and she gave up on waiting for me to come to my senses and turned to him.

The pisser is that I didn't even notice at the time. I'd gotten so used to her forgiving me, and was so sure he'd never feel like that about her that I wasn't paying attention. Pathetic huh. Talk about only seeing what you want to see.

I loved her. I knew I did. And by then I'd figured out that she loved me back, but hey, I'm an idiot. I just couldn't let go. So she did.

Biggest goddamned mistake I ever made. And that includes the one where I fell for Naraku's fucking trick.

So here I am, sitting in this fucking tree, watching them get married. She insisted. And he loves her enough to do it, even though they're already mated and have a pup on the way.

It could have been me.

It should have been me.

But I'm an idiot and it isn't.

And now I'm alone again.

***

A/N: It just appeared, full born, as a one-shot. Not sure who Kagome's marrying, but it doesn't really matter.