Disclaimer: I'm sure you saw it in chapter one. If you forgot, go back and
look.
Notes: Wellll, I don't really know who the Slytherin student is, yet. I'm making this up as I go along with an idea of how I want it to go. I do know that she is a seventh year. And in this episode we have two guest appearances! One is the all-time best DADA teacher returned to Hogwarts for this fic, Remus Lupin! And for his cat, we have my one-eyed kitten, Sugar!
If Cats Could Talk
"Of COURSE I did it on purpose, monkey! It's about time this stuffy old school got some constructive criticism, and who better to give it than a cat?" Crookshanks declared.
"What's constructive about verbally abusing the humans?" Ron demanded.
"Well, just be grateful there are no dogs in the proximity, then you'd hear some REAL 'criticism' going on," Crookshanks muttered. "Besides, I'd hardly call it 'abuse'. I mean, what do you all know? You're just dumb humans, after all. Can't even understand civilized speech. You have to use your 'magic' to bring our speech down to your level."
"Dumb humans?!"
"That's right."
"You're the ones who are dumb! You're nothing but animals!"
"Oh ho?" Crookshanks lifted one furry eyebrow. "Tell me, Red, what's the square root of three hundred thirty-two?"
"Uhhh..." Ron appeared taken aback.
"My point exactly." Crookshanks jumped to the floor from his perch on the mantle and headed for the portrait hole. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a FWTO to plan."
"What's a FWTO?" Hermione wondered. The fluffy cat glanced over his shoulder.
"Feline Worldwide Take-Over, duh."
"Was he kidding?" Harry asked, after Crookshanks had left.
"Oh, I hope so," Hermione replied.
***
Remus Lupin had been asked to return to Hogwarts to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts once more, and he had. The Headmaster had personally guaranteed that he would not be subject to any hate mail or other such undesirables because of his unfortunate lycanthropsy. So he sat in his office in peace, planning out the next day's lesson plans, his kitten, Sugar, watching him from the bookcase.
Sugar was a five-month old dilute calico kitten who had to have one eye removed early in life due to a very severe infection. Now she didn't even realize its absence.
Which wasn't necessarily a good thing.
"BONZAI!" Sugar pounced all the way from the bookcase, over his shoulder, and onto his quill, all the way with legs spread out like some demonic flying squirrel. And yes, he knew about the failed Beast Speech spell from earlier. He even had an idea of who did it.
And he was considering deducting fifty points from Gryffindor for it.
"That's the seventh quill! That was my last one!" Lupin cried in dismay. "How am I supposed to write out my lesson plans?"
"I dunno," Sugar replied, batting the quill under the dresser. "Blood?"
Lupin sighed and rubbed his temples. He could feel a headache coming on. Moreover, the moon was close to being full, and he needed to get the Wolfsbane potion from Snape soon. However, he didn't know how possible that would be with current situations.
"What's wrong with you, Fido?" Sugar inquired while licking her chest fur. "That time of the month already?"
"Just about."
"You sure you're not just a she-monkey with really REALLY bad PMS?"
"Yes, I'm sure." Sugar didn't look convinced, but let it drop so she could go terrorize a poor grindylow in a tank for the third years. The water demon cowered deep in its tank.
***
-Okay, let's think.- The Slytherin student perched herself on one of the shelves lined with nasty, slimy things while the house elves of Hogwarts tidied up the room below. -I mean, if I can figure out what I did wrong, I can transform back, right? Sooo... I transformed Friday night and now it's Monday afternoon. Almost three days ago...-
Nothing. She couldn't remember. She recalled meaning to transform and prowl around the grounds, but from ten to one at night there was a big gaping hole in her memory.
-Very curious. If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone cast an Obliviate spell on me. But why? What did I see?- She sighed in frustration and batted a paw at one house elf who got too close to her. The little creature scampered away. -Nothing personal, but I don't feel like being manhandled any more today, thank you.-
***
Elsewhere in the school, in an abandoned classroom heavily layered in dust, there was a meeting going on. Several in the meeting sat on the students' desks, which hadn't seen an actual student in many years. The leader presided from the large teacher's desk, a newly painted sign with rough letters upon it. The sign was white and the words in red paint formed the words Feline Worldwide Take Over. The leader was a large ginger cat.
Beside him, tied to a heavy oak chair, was the caretaker of the school, Argus Filch. Mrs. Norris sat innocently on his knee. Filch mumbled something through the gag.
The meeting discussed many things, and ended late into the night. One of these things was their recent shift in language barriers and the possibilities it presented. The fate of their prisoner was also discussed, and although he wasn't of much use to them, he was a pretty good servant and thus allowed to live undamaged.
By the time the feline residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had dispersed, a plan had been formed. It was a great and terrible plan. A plan of conquest and victories and had plenty of room for bravery and valor.
And, oddly, consisted of large amounts of tuna.
~*~*~*~
AN: What will happen next? Will Crookshanks and his league of cats succeed where so many dark wizards will fail? I don't know. Sorry for the chapter being a bit short, but I couldn't think of anything else to put into this one.
Notes: Wellll, I don't really know who the Slytherin student is, yet. I'm making this up as I go along with an idea of how I want it to go. I do know that she is a seventh year. And in this episode we have two guest appearances! One is the all-time best DADA teacher returned to Hogwarts for this fic, Remus Lupin! And for his cat, we have my one-eyed kitten, Sugar!
If Cats Could Talk
"Of COURSE I did it on purpose, monkey! It's about time this stuffy old school got some constructive criticism, and who better to give it than a cat?" Crookshanks declared.
"What's constructive about verbally abusing the humans?" Ron demanded.
"Well, just be grateful there are no dogs in the proximity, then you'd hear some REAL 'criticism' going on," Crookshanks muttered. "Besides, I'd hardly call it 'abuse'. I mean, what do you all know? You're just dumb humans, after all. Can't even understand civilized speech. You have to use your 'magic' to bring our speech down to your level."
"Dumb humans?!"
"That's right."
"You're the ones who are dumb! You're nothing but animals!"
"Oh ho?" Crookshanks lifted one furry eyebrow. "Tell me, Red, what's the square root of three hundred thirty-two?"
"Uhhh..." Ron appeared taken aback.
"My point exactly." Crookshanks jumped to the floor from his perch on the mantle and headed for the portrait hole. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a FWTO to plan."
"What's a FWTO?" Hermione wondered. The fluffy cat glanced over his shoulder.
"Feline Worldwide Take-Over, duh."
"Was he kidding?" Harry asked, after Crookshanks had left.
"Oh, I hope so," Hermione replied.
***
Remus Lupin had been asked to return to Hogwarts to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts once more, and he had. The Headmaster had personally guaranteed that he would not be subject to any hate mail or other such undesirables because of his unfortunate lycanthropsy. So he sat in his office in peace, planning out the next day's lesson plans, his kitten, Sugar, watching him from the bookcase.
Sugar was a five-month old dilute calico kitten who had to have one eye removed early in life due to a very severe infection. Now she didn't even realize its absence.
Which wasn't necessarily a good thing.
"BONZAI!" Sugar pounced all the way from the bookcase, over his shoulder, and onto his quill, all the way with legs spread out like some demonic flying squirrel. And yes, he knew about the failed Beast Speech spell from earlier. He even had an idea of who did it.
And he was considering deducting fifty points from Gryffindor for it.
"That's the seventh quill! That was my last one!" Lupin cried in dismay. "How am I supposed to write out my lesson plans?"
"I dunno," Sugar replied, batting the quill under the dresser. "Blood?"
Lupin sighed and rubbed his temples. He could feel a headache coming on. Moreover, the moon was close to being full, and he needed to get the Wolfsbane potion from Snape soon. However, he didn't know how possible that would be with current situations.
"What's wrong with you, Fido?" Sugar inquired while licking her chest fur. "That time of the month already?"
"Just about."
"You sure you're not just a she-monkey with really REALLY bad PMS?"
"Yes, I'm sure." Sugar didn't look convinced, but let it drop so she could go terrorize a poor grindylow in a tank for the third years. The water demon cowered deep in its tank.
***
-Okay, let's think.- The Slytherin student perched herself on one of the shelves lined with nasty, slimy things while the house elves of Hogwarts tidied up the room below. -I mean, if I can figure out what I did wrong, I can transform back, right? Sooo... I transformed Friday night and now it's Monday afternoon. Almost three days ago...-
Nothing. She couldn't remember. She recalled meaning to transform and prowl around the grounds, but from ten to one at night there was a big gaping hole in her memory.
-Very curious. If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone cast an Obliviate spell on me. But why? What did I see?- She sighed in frustration and batted a paw at one house elf who got too close to her. The little creature scampered away. -Nothing personal, but I don't feel like being manhandled any more today, thank you.-
***
Elsewhere in the school, in an abandoned classroom heavily layered in dust, there was a meeting going on. Several in the meeting sat on the students' desks, which hadn't seen an actual student in many years. The leader presided from the large teacher's desk, a newly painted sign with rough letters upon it. The sign was white and the words in red paint formed the words Feline Worldwide Take Over. The leader was a large ginger cat.
Beside him, tied to a heavy oak chair, was the caretaker of the school, Argus Filch. Mrs. Norris sat innocently on his knee. Filch mumbled something through the gag.
The meeting discussed many things, and ended late into the night. One of these things was their recent shift in language barriers and the possibilities it presented. The fate of their prisoner was also discussed, and although he wasn't of much use to them, he was a pretty good servant and thus allowed to live undamaged.
By the time the feline residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had dispersed, a plan had been formed. It was a great and terrible plan. A plan of conquest and victories and had plenty of room for bravery and valor.
And, oddly, consisted of large amounts of tuna.
~*~*~*~
AN: What will happen next? Will Crookshanks and his league of cats succeed where so many dark wizards will fail? I don't know. Sorry for the chapter being a bit short, but I couldn't think of anything else to put into this one.