Special Features
Contents:
Name Meanings
Trailer for 'Your Heart Will Be True'
Darkest Night: Tic-Tac Edition!
Name Meanings:
Halbarad | Just for the record: HE'S NOT OURS! Which unfortunately reveals that we do not know what his name means. *sigh* If you want more info on Halbarad as he is portrayed in the books, check 'The Passing of the Grey Company' in ROTK.
Erynbenn (woodman) | Yeah, we know, all the rangers were woodmen, but Erynbenn sounded particularly young!
Idhrin (pondering, wise) | Well, he is... (here we go again!)
Bartho (doom) | A joke: because that's what he predicts. ;)
Nindalf (wet palm of hand) | Whereas Bartho was the pessimist, Nindalf was just the nervous, fidgety one. We thought this meaning was rather clever!
Malvegil (historical) | The sixth king of Arthedain. After his death, Malvegil's son claimed kingship over all Arnor. Just in case you were curious. ;)
Eldacar (historical) | The fourth king of Gondor. And we know that Gondor is all the way across the map from here, but both Arnor and Gondor favored the same sorts of names and we figured we could lift one or two without being noticed. ;)
Lindamar (fair dream) | We were rather proud of this one as well! It seemed to bring to mind a vapid, golden haired vision with everlasting charm and no reality. Besides, it just *sounded* right. :P (or rather it did until she spent most of the fic being mistaken for a guy… ;)
Eression (only son) | A clue! A clue! Eression IS Kallomore's only son, and we got a kick out of giving away our secret from the beginning. Well, giving it away to all the elvish-speaking readers out there... :P
Kallomore (dark nobleman) | Unoriginal, but practical.
Burgess (town dweller) | In case some of you missed the memo and the re-post: when we edited chapter 9 (replacing Nob with a young Barliman Butterbur, and replacing Barliman with his own father) this is the name we gave Barliman's dad. It's not an elvish name — just a regular name — but it sounded just right, so we used it anyway. ;)
Raane (straying, wandering) | The elvish language doesn't have a good word for 'insane', so we chose the next best thing. Come to think on it, this is probably more poetic anyway.
Qualin (dead) | Well, he is.
Helin (violet) | This was too cute a name to pass up, and it sort of symbolized for us that Helin had once been a sweet, innocent girl without a care in the world. *sniffle*
Kemen (soil, earth) | A pleasant, uncomplicated name for a pleasant, uncomplicated man! Besides, how can a violet live without soil? ;)
Narandune (fire sunset) | If you recall, this is Hannah's elvish alter-ego! She partly chose it because it looked nice, partly because the meaning sounded like her personality, and partly because she has a brilliantly red velvet cloak. :)
Jon, Domo, Pansy and Bella Appledore | These are (rather obviously) not elvish names. We decided on these after looking through the other sorts of names hobbits tended to favor.
Rogkhar, Sharzak, Grebul, Dregrak | These are not elvish either (no kidding). In fact I could tell you that for these we put a bunch of boggle cubes in a hat and wrote down whatever tumbled out first, but that (while correct in theory) wouldn't be strictly accurate. Basically we muddled around, using previous orc names as models, and finally came up with four decently nasty sounding titles — attempting in the process to make ones like 'Sharzak' sound as close to their character type as possible. For the record (and Chloe will back us up): orc names are no fun!
Oronta Ridge (steep ridge) | Where the heck is Oronta Ridge, you ask? It's mentioned once in passing by Idhrin during the story about Lindamar. We here include the meaning so that we may impress you with our attention to pointless details! :D
Trailer 'Your Heart Will Be True' And remember: if you're interested in seeing an honest-to-gosh (and much cooler) Windows Media trailer for our next fic, see Cassia and Sio's Mellon Chronicles site: (Note: If that link didn't show up, then see Cassia's bio here on fanfiction.net and go to the aragorn-legolas.5u site, and then to the Media Page)
([sounds are bracketed])
Black [silence]
[music from May It Be begins to play softly]
Slow panning shot of Minas Tirith in the morning, fades to black
Fade up of Aragorn tossing a small girl, Elenwen, in the air and catching her, fades to black
Fade up of Arwen smiling, her hands resting on Eldarion's shoulders, fades to black
Fade up of Aragorn and Legolas talking cheerfully in a hall
Legolas: Then all is well with you?
Aragorn: Yes, very well. And peaceful, but for the Southrons and Eldarion's ambushes of Duurben in the corridors.
They both laugh and the laughter echoes into an eerie silence...
[echoing drum beat]
Aragorn looks up from their conversation in slow motion, his face paling
[a second drum beat]
Legolas' hands leap automatically to his knives
[a third drum beat]
Sudden blackness falls
[Arwen screams]
[music picks up in a staccato-like style]
Scenes begin to flash: Aragorn running up stone stairs
Elenwen wearing her nightdress and standing in a corner crying
Legolas following Aragorn up the stairs
A wide shot of a bedroom at night, the occupant of the bed thrashing suddenly in a tangle of white blankets
Close-up on Aragorn and Legolas' feet as they reach the upper landing
Close-up on Arwen's eyes, wide and staring
Aragorn slams the door open and the screen goes black
[the low sibilant hissing sound of a snake]
[music levels out into a steady rhythm]
Legolas: Aragorn, that viper can only be found in Mirkwood.
Aragorn: You're saying that it was placed in our room on purpose?
Flash to Eldarion and Pippin standing together on the battlements
Flash to a shadow moving along the wall of a bedroom at night
Flash of Aragorn sitting by Arwen's bed, holding her pale hand in his
Aragorn: (anxiously) There is a cure...?
Legolas: We are too far from my home to have it back in time. Unless...
Flash to Faramir preparing a large number of troops for battle
Flash to rows of Southrons standing across a wide plain
Aragorn: Unless what?
Flash to Duurben pacing down a line of city guards
Flash to Eowyn at night, standing with her back against a stone wall and a sword in her hand
Legolas: You will have to go with me, my friend. I cannot obtain it myself
Flash to the Southrons charging across the plain
Flash to Mavranor standing with a familiar knife
Flash to Faramir raising his sword above his head
Aragorn, dressed again in his ranger's clothing, his hand resting on Eldarion's shoulder
Aragorn: I'll be back soon.
Flash to Aragorn and Legolas half running, half sliding down a wooded hillside
Flash to Duurben racing down a hallway
Flash to Gimli running through a forest
Flash to Bartho riding through the Southron's ranks
Flash to Aragorn and Legolas drawing their bows simultaneously
[music crescendos and ends]
[a flute begins to play May It Be again, softly]
Elenwen: (wistfully) Ada, will Naneth be well soon?
Fade up of Aragorn holding the girl in his arms
Aragorn: Yes.
Elenwen: Promise?
Aragorn: I promise.
Fades to scene of Arwen, reaching a weak hand up to caress Aragorn's face
Arwen: (whispering) I shall be here when you return.
black
soft, blue text: Your Heart Will Be True
Fades to black
text: Coming to FanFiction.net 2004
Fades to black
[music fades out]
And you know how dependable we are! *smiles brightly* Right? :D
Darkest Night: Tic-Tac Edition
We shall now demonstrate our complete lack of respect for our own story and devote several pages to poking holes in our plot and belittling our characters. Buckle your seatbelts (if you enjoy Drivel, straight up) or run for your lives (if you actually *gasp* liked our fic and don't want it exposed to ridicule). Your choice. ;D (NOTE: This was written about the time we were doing our final edits and touch ups, etc.; I guess you could say we were a little tired and needed a break… :P Oh, and it is a LOT longer than we thought it was going to be.)
This edition of Darkest Night is dedicated to Galadriel, who has green tic-tacs in her birdbath. Don't ask.
Prologue
Opens on scene with BIG BLACK TOWER and NASTY STORM - THUNDER and LIGHTENING a specialty
Kallomore: I am the villain for this story! Watch me release the Evil Beasts of Shadow on the land. Scary, hm?
Cue more THUNDER
Eression: I am looking for a Book, which, logically, I should not know exists! I'm also his son, but you're not supposed to know that yet.
Nwelmai: LET US OUT!
Chapter 1
Scene opens in a DECEPTIVELY CALM fashion
Aragorn: To start this out on the right foot the authoresses have decided to begin by pummeling the life out of me!
BIG SHADOWY THING tackles ARAGORN to the ground
BIG FIGHT ensues, constructed simply to CONFUSE READERS
Aragorn: HELP ME!
Elladan and Elrohir: We'll save you!
Elladan: And, even though you've nearly died...
Elrohir: We must of course fulfill our role as 'irritating yet comical' brothers by making fun of you!
Aragorn: Of course.
Halbarad: We're here! Watch while we introduce all the rangers at once so you can confuse our names later!
Erynbenn: I'm really cheerful and everyone loves me but that DOESN'T mean I'm going to die!
Idhrin: I'm going to die but no one will care anyway.
Bartho: I'm a grouch.
RANGERS complain about BIG SHADOWY THINGS and come to VERY IMPORTANT CONCLUSIONS
Aragorn: Now I shall head off to ask my father a whole bunch of questions, provide Glorfindel with a cameo and drag Legolas into this story!
Halbarad: Have fun!
Chapter 2
Opens on scene of RIVENDELL, looking, as usual, like an original JOHN HOWE
Celboril: I shall begin the age-old jokes about dirty humans. You're filthy!
Aragorn: Am not! Hi dad.
Elrond: Greetings son! You've probably come about that Nasty Storm, and I'm afraid I know next to nothing, except that an identical storm happened during the evil sounding 'Moon of Nwalme' when you were two. This same moon reappears every twenty-five years in complete defiance of whatever cycles the moon and stars usually go through. You'll have to go see Glorfindel for more information because, strangely, he never thought to tell me - his lord and leader - about the evil creatures that might someday be unleashed upon us all. By the way, here's Legolas.
Legolas: That's me, glorified Messenger Prince and Orc Slayer Extraordinaire.
Narandune: I am Glorfindel's daughter and I shall take you to him. But before you start pointing fingers and screaming 'MARY SUE!!' you should know that I'm actually Hannah in disguise and that I have no intention of staying beyond this one chapter.
Glorfindel: Hello! My job (apart from being an amazing elven warrior) is to prove that Sarah and Hannah read the Appendices! Oh yeah, and I'd better tell you that there are Evil Beasts of Shadow roaming the woods and trying to eat all the Dúnedain.
Aragorn: Yikes! I'd better get back there.
Legolas: I'm coming too.
Aragorn: Why?
Legolas: Because I always go where you do, because you'll need me to save you repeatedly in this story, because the readers will rebel if I stay behind, and because I want to prove that all rangers really are smelly.
Aragorn: Oh, okay.
Chapter 3
Opens in front of a WOODS
Aragorn: Ah! Home sweet home...where is it?
Elladan: Aragorn! You're finally back! And even though we are elves the couple of days you have been gone managed to seem like an eternity!
Aragorn: Now I shall make jokes about floundering Dúnedain in floods and amuse the readers.
Legolas: And I shall pretend I can't stand being around you and amuse the readers.
Idhrin: I'll be sensible, but you probably won't notice anyway.
RANGERS sit down to listen to ARAGORN'S SCARY STORY about the NWALMAI while he conveniently leave out all the details about them being AFTER HIM
Legolas: Here I will take several paragraphs to make interesting, fascinating and foreshadowing observations about Aragorn.
MORE RANGERS are introduced
Nindalf: I'm pointless and fidgety.
Malvegil: I'm going to wait until you all forget about me and then I will refuse to go away!
ERYNBENN comes in hopping UP AND DOWN
Erynbenn: Nwalmai! Nwalmai! Nwalmai!
Aragorn: We are rangers but there is always a limit.
Everyone HIDES
Nwalmai: I'm going to confuse you by inserting my twisted two-cents before jumping on Legolas' head!
NWALMAI attack
Aragorn: Run away! Run away!
Nwalmai: Ha ha ha! Good guys always split up at the most convenient times!
Legolas: Yeah we're kinda stupid that way.
Aragorn: Legolas! Tree!
LEGOLAS slams into a TREE causing readers to WINCE
Nwalmai: (sniffs) What's that smell?
ARAGORN is BLEEDING
Aragorn: Eep.
CLIFFIE ensues
Chapter 4
Opens where the last CLIFFIE left off: with UGLY NWELMAI about to eat ARAGORN
Aragorn: I'm dead.
Legolas: Not today! Watch me use wizard-like skills to send the Nwelmai packing.
Aragorn: You're glowing!
Legolas: Cool, isn't it? Now then, I shall decide that the Dúnedain are too far away to safely reach before you die, so we must instead risk hostile hobbits for a night in their drafty barn.
Aragorn: Uh, Legolas…
They reach HOBBIT FARM
Jon Appledore: AAH! Ranger!
Door SLAMS
Legolas: Is there any darling child who might be willing to cajole this stubborn hobbit into letting us borrow the barn?
Pansy: I am sweet and darling! I'll do it! Daddy? (Bambi eyes) PLEASE?
Jon Appledore: Fine, but like every other farmer has told you before me: don't touch my chickens.
Aragorn: I'm dying.
Smelly Poultice: Not today.
Legolas: Why do you put up with all this insensitive, unjust garbage from the short people anyway?
Pansy: Did I mention the other reason I look sweet and darling is to provide credence for the Dúnedain way of life?
Aragorn: I'm feeling magically better now.
Legolas: I've never understood how you do that…
Aragorn: I'm Numenorean. And who are you to gripe? You do the same thing yourself.
Chapter 5
Scene opens on ERESSION and a bunch of DUMB ORCS
Sharzak: I'm a big mean orc but I don't like getting burned. OWIE!
NO ONE pities him
Eression: I hate orcs.
GREBUL is STUPID, then HEADLESS
Sharzak: (gasps and chokes)
Eression: I may hate orcs but I am really good at understanding them! Good work Sharzak! Though this DOESN'T mean I don't like orcs!
ERESSION leaves
Eression: Time to spend some quality time with my dad...except that is a closely guarded secret.
Kallomore: Shut up and listen while I make confusing and mysterious comments about the later plot without giving away my devious scheme.
Eression: Right so you want me to go kidnap Elladan and Elrohir?
Kallomore: (sighs)
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
LEGOLAS and ARAGORN beating a hasty retreat from the HOBBIT HOME Appledore toting a SCYTHE all the while
Aragorn: Whew, got out of that one. Just in time to make fun of Legolas' glare and make more chicken jokes!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
After A LOT of TRACKING
Aragorn: Man! These guys have a real problem with hiding themselves too well!
Legolas: YOU should talk!
They FIND the OTHER RANGERS
Bartho: We fought more Nwalmai blah blah blah, got injured blah blah blah, Elladan and Elrohir are gone blah blah blah, haven't come back blah blah blah, it's gonna rain.
Aragorn: Thanks Bartho.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Back at CAMP
Halbarad: Even though Bartho is likely right behind me, I will now give you the run down on how much of a grouch he is and drop the name Lindamar conspicuously afterwards.
Bartho: My hearing must not be what it used to be.
Aragorn: (looks at tower) I will now give this broken down structure a complete history so Sarah can prove that not EVERYTHING like that has to be out of the books!
Legolas: Cool!
Aragorn: And since I won't get another chance for a long while I'm gonna make ANOTHER joke about Elladan and Elrohir!
They LAUGH at the twins' EXPENSE
Aragorn: Great! Let's go find them!
Chapter 6
Opens with scene of WOODS and MORE WOODS and RAIN
Elladan and Elrohir: We are amusing and likable, not to mention astonishingly unsuspicious.
Elrohir: Remember that 'likable' bit, or the later angst won't be any good.
Elladan: That smell *could* be orcs, but I'm betting it's just rotten eggs.
Orcs: BOO!
Elladan: It was orcs.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
WOODS and MORE WOODS and RAIN
Aragorn: I smell something…
Legolas: Probably just rotten eggs.
Elrohir: (in the distance) OW!
Aragorn: No, it's orcs attacking my brothers!
FIGHT ensues in the WOODS and MUD
Aragorn: My brothers are being hauled away in a fish net!
Elladan and Elrohir: (are unconscious)
Eression: I am standing here to look dark and sinister and to lead Aragorn off on an inexplicably successful search in Bree. I'm also Kallomore's son, but you're not supposed to know that yet.
Orcs: (run away)
Aragorn: Even though by Two Towers I am able to simply stick my ear to the ground and tell you how far away our quarry is, what speed they are traveling at, and what color socks they have on, I am currently completely at a loss. I don't even know which direction to start running!
Legolas: This feels really weird - not getting captured for a change.
Aragorn: I feel depressed. I'm going to sit in the mud for a while.
Chapter 7
Opens in ELROND'S LIBRARY
Elrond: And here you thought I was just a cameo appearance!
MORANUEN enters
Elrond: Where did you come from?
Moranuen: Mellon Chronicles of course! Message for you.
Elrond: Ew gross! What's with the orc-scented envelope?
Moranuen: I don't know, but, even though I shouldn't be reading your mail I know it concerns your sons!
Elrond: (spills ink)
ELROND reads LETTER gets UPSET
Elrond: I'm going to get all emotional now and for some reason begin to remember Celebrian in the flower bed. However after agonizing for a whole paragraph I guess I've decided I like Estel better. TROOPS!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
LEGOLAS and ARAGORN moving through the WOODS
Aragorn: I'm depressed and distraught and I don't want to talk to anyone.
They ARRIVE at CAMP
Aragorn: Idhrin! Take a letter!
Idhrin: Figures.
Erynbenn: To lighten the mood I'm going to make jokes at Aragorn's expense.
Aragorn: (resists the urge to smack the young OC upside the head)
Legolas: Well we'll go out on a pointless venture while we wait for Elrond's message to arrive.
Halbarad: Have fun!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
They RETURN
Halbarad: Nothing?
Legolas: Nope, is the message here yet?
Halbarad: Funny you should mention that.
ARAGORN reads LETTER
Aragorn: Aw man!
Legolas: Nice angst though.
Aragorn: Man! Now I'm under pressure!
Bartho: In order to break up the angst I'm going to suggest logical ideas about the stupid tower.
Aragorn: Ah yes, the stupid tower...and even in my totally devastated state I remember there was a human! Come Legolas! I have a crazy plan!
Readers: SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
Chapter 8
Opens with interior scene of DARK TOWER
Kallomore: I shall muse for a while on my history, both to prove that I have one and to explain which of Tolkien's rules have been broken to get me here. In this case: 'none of the Black Numenoreans survived' is such a vague concept…
Eression: Hey, Dad! Oops, the readers aren't supposed to know that yet.
Kallomore: I am going to make a subtle and weak attempt to explain how it happens that you are a bad guy! And while I do that, go put the prisoners in the basement.
Eression: But—
Kallomore: NOW.
Basement of DARK TOWER
Orcs: We are sick creatures.
Elladan: It has been decided by the powers that be (namely Sarah and Hannah) that our lives have been too easy thus far. They are going to attempt to remedy the situation in a single scene.
Elrohir: Actually, this is all Hannah's fault.
Elladan: SHH! Nobody's supposed to know that! If Hannah gets locked in a padded room, who will write torture scenes for these stories? Sarah?
Elrohir: Perish the thought.
Elladan: Exactly, now shut up and act pitiful so I can become upset and try to save you.
Orcs: We are still sick creatures.
Chapter 9
They arrive in BREE and its RAINING naturally
Aragorn: Even though it's very illogical I have decided that the human must have showed up here at some point, after all everyone goes to Bree. (pauses dramatically) Lindamar.
Legolas: (fails to notice strange, out-of-place word) The authoresses clearly thought I hadn't seen nearly enough human towns!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
They enter PRANCING PONY
Aragorn: Butterbur?!
Barliman Butterbur: Yeah? (Butterbur suddenly morphs into his own father)
Aragorn: How'd you do that?
Burgess Butterbur: Ha! Wouldn't YOU like to know!
Aragorn: All right fine, even though I clearly know how much help YOU usually are I'm going to ask you a bunch of vague questions anyway.
Burgess: Sure!
Aragorn: Have you seen this guy?
Burgess: What guy?
Aragorn: The guy I described.
Burgess: You mean the horse?
Aragorn: No, the guy!
Burgess: You know you don't make a lot of sense.
LEGOLAS goes to sit down
Legolas: I notice a suspicious guy watching my friend, but that's normal enough and I'll pretend to look the other way.
Suspicious Hobbit: (hands Legolas a Rangers-Be-Bad pamphlet) Be careful! Rangers are dangerous people!
Legolas: NOW he tells me.
Aragorn: I'm going to make a pointless gesture so that my ring catches the firelight.
Raane: AIEE! (jumps Aragorn and tries to remove his finger)
Frodo: Hey I won't be the only one!
Aragorn: (glares) Anyone ELSE wanna say it?!
Legolas: My, my aren't we in a touchy mood.
Helin: (falls apart)
Aragorn: We'll help you!
Helin: Even though I am highly emotional I am also very trusting of strangers!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
In HELIN'S HOUSE
Helin: For the sake of the plot I will now pour out my entire story for two complete strangers and mention a storm and the Nwalmai for absolutely no reason at all!
Raane: (convulses) NWALMAI!! (giggles) I am crazy and unpredictable, but that won't keep me from becoming nearly lucid for a whole five minutes while I tell you everything about my adventure! ...well almost everything.
Chapter 10
Still in HELIN'S HOUSE
Aragorn: Thanks a lot Raane! You've been a big help.
Helin: (sniffs)
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS leave.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Out on the STREETS of BREE
Pickpocket: I am an adorable little kid who can garner sympathy from anyone and everyone...oh yeah and I'm also a juvenile criminal.
Readers: Isn't he cute?!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
FOG drifting over the BARROW DOWNS
Aragorn: I am a smart Dúnadan! I have deduced that the book we seek is to be found out on the Barrow Downs.
Legolas: But you are now going to haul us out onto the aforementioned downs in the FOG when you KNOW that Evil Wights live there.
Aragorn: You're right, I'm a stupid Dúnadan. Let's go.
Legolas: This is like hunting for a needle in a haystack…
Aragorn: Oh look!
Legolas: What is it, a needle?
Aragorn: No, that big archway thing that the Insane Man back there mentioned! I'm just *sure* the book is still sitting up there.
Barrow Wights: Gotcha!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Inside the BARROW; everything is bleached green-white, like in MATRIX
Aragorn: Ow, my head. What a stupid nightgown I'm wearing.
Wight: (mutters creepy incantation and hopes not to get sued for plagiarism by Tolkien's estate)
FIGHT ensues, ending when WIGHT holds sword across ARAGORN'S THROAT
Aragorn: I'm dead.
Legolas: Not today! I shall wake up suddenly in the nick of time and save you!
Legolas' BLADE slices of the Wight's HAND and SHATTERS
Aragorn: Cool shattering effect!
Legolas: You like it? We get to use that one a lot in this fic. Now grab that Numenorean sword and let's escape.
The ESCAPE is NOT EASY
Legolas: Come on, we're nearly out!
Aragorn: Will you look at that!
Legolas: What is it?
Aragorn: (sarcastically) Oh, only the thing we've been surreptitiously mentioning since the beginning of this fic.
Legolas: Lindamar?
Aragorn: NO! The Book, you elven nitwit!
Legolas: You know, it actually looks more like a moderate cliffie to me...
Chapter 11
Scene opens with BARTHO getting WET
Bartho: I never sleep, I just predict doom and act grouchy, and yet everyone loves me.
Halbarad: Yeah it doesn't make much sense to me. So...where's Erynbenn?
Bartho: Ran off, and even though I supposedly figure he can take care of himself that won't keep me from getting uncharacteristically emotional over him later on in the story.
Halbarad: HE WHAT?!
They set off to FIND HIM
Halbarad: I will now get all mad and then actually apologize for disparaging you, while we talk about glass, granite and Erynbenn. Oh, and you will refer to us as 'hens' of all the undignified comparisons.
Bartho: Right, so you go that way and get lost while I go find Erynbenn.
Halbarad: Okay!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS make their ESCAPE
Aragorn: Fortunately, our horses are a pleasant blend of sensible and stupid. They were sensible enough to take off last night, but too stupid to leave the downs altogether. I mean, honestly, who hangs around on the downs like that with who-knows-what prowling around?
Legolas: (finds his knives and makes no comment)
Aragorn: Nice of Sarah and Hannah to find a way for me to keep my musty old overcoat in spite of the whole nightgown incident. Now let's look at that little book…
Tom Bombadil: I shall now sing a bit of nonsense in order amuse the readers without Sarah and Hannah having to actually include me as a character! After all, they pity me for being cut from the film, but they don't pity me *that* much.
Aragorn: (opens book) Well, whaddya know! A map!
Legolas: How nice that the creepy man who wrote the book seems to have had problems with getting lost in his own home! Or else he felt the best way to keep others from trying to control the Nwelmai would be to show them what horrible interior design they'd have to withstand in order to move in.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
BASEMENT of DARK TOWER
Elladan: (gets his leg broken) On second thought, I want Sarah to write the torture scenes.
Orcs: Sick, aren't we?
Eression: Yes, as a matter of fact. I have now decided that I am finally fed up with your nastiness. No more fun for you.
Orcs: Aw, man!
Chapter 12
Erynbenn, Bartho, and Halbarad: Here we are again!
The three ORIGINAL CHARACTERS fight off the attack of TWO NWELMAI, so as to prove that they are perfectly capable of doing so WITHOUT ARAGORN
Halbarad: I am knocked out!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Erynbenn: Wakey wakey!
Halbarad: Where's Bartho?
Erynbenn: I don't know, but it seems to me we haven't mentioned Lindamar's name for a while. I shall now do so and, to sweeten the deal, I shall attempt to do it in a fashion that indicates Lindamar is a troll!
Halbarad: Clever.
Evil Highwayman: (to Kemen the Farmer-type) We are here to threaten and promptly die, in that order.
Kemen: (uses pleasantly mangled English to thank the two - no, the three Dúnedain for saving him)
Halbarad: Even though we have only just now found Bartho, I am going to pretend I knew he was there all along.
Erynbenn: Why are we going to Bree?
Halbarad: Don't ask silly questions! Stick to dropping hints about Lindamar; you're good at that, even though you weren't a ranger when it happened.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Opens with WOODS
Aragorn: I have been too downhearted for most of this fic! I shall attempt to fix the situation by making several jokes about dressing Legolas up as an orc, which will be sure to cause Tolkien to roll over in his grave.
Legolas: Now what?
Aragorn: Now I tell you that our best bet is to sneak through the Nwelmai tunnels, which may or may not be open to human traffic, and from there into a tower, in which Elladan and Elrohir are trapped… somewhere.
Legolas: And I shall not trouble to point out that, if you don't know where in the tower Elladan and Elrohir are, you might well be killed before you can find them.
Aragorn: Thank you.
Legolas: No problem.
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Opens with RIVENDELL, interior shot of ELROND'S LIBRARY
Elrond: I will now make a brief appearance to show that I am still waiting here, and to prove that Sarah and Hannah aren't avoiding me.
Celboril: I'll play opposite him for a last gasp of humor before the really nasty stuff starts to happen.
Chapter 13 (In which Sarah and Hannah actually come up with a notable Chapter Title)
Opens in BREE
Kemen: I am a happy, jolly sort of fellow and since you've saved my life I don't mind admitting to your rugged, dangerous looking faces that I think you're lunatics!
Erynbenn: How brave!
Kemen: Further more I'm going to dismiss you as only being pretty good shots and commenting on you being trounced good by something that could have been nothing more than a really big cow for all I know.
Bartho: How nice.
RANGERS visit KEMEN'S HOUSE
KEMEN conveniently LEAVES, and RANGERS do what they all do best: bandage INJURIES
Erynbenn: I'm going to be all sweet and charming and self-sacrificing and suggest that you go on without me.
Bartho: Not a chance without you who will we use for live bait?
Halbarad: Point. I shall now realize that Erynbenn has suddenly grown up and we won't leave him.
Bartho: Magnanimous of you.
Helin. Hello...uh...you're not my boyfrie—Mr. Furdock.
Halbarad: Riight.
KEMEN returns.
Kemen: Oh! Helin! Dear, dear Helin! I shall now flirt in a very obvious fashion and make everyone wonder why I haven't just proposed!
Helin: I'll help!
Rangers: (collective sigh)
Raane: I'm going to prove that I confuse people just as badly as I confuse rings!
Halbarad: Whatever THAT means.
Raane: Hey didgya know I left out a very important detail just for the heck of it?! (starts to doodle in the dirt) Yes yes, even though I'm totally crazed I am going to draw a picture I can remember perfectly and I'll ramble on conveniently about all that stuff I left out last time!
Halbarad: Oh no! Aragorn is in danger!
Bartho: How do you figure?
Erynbenn: Seems like a safe guess to me.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS at CAMP
Idhrin: The nice authoresses are gonna let you see in my head for a while, while I ponder captains. Hey Aragorn, you look depressed... I think I'll say LINDAMAR and see what that does!
Legolas: WHAT IS A LINDAMAR?!
RANGERS all LAUGH
Malvegil: WHO! Lindamar...was a WOMAN!
Readers: WHAT?!
Malvegil: Prepare to feel sorry for Bartho, whether you like it or not.
Aragorn: To put it shortly Lindamar was a empty headed town beauty who was saved from trolls by Bartho who apparently had a besotted side we didn't know about, he fell in love the girl the girl didn't turn him off, he wouldn't listen to reason when it came to the girl he loved--
Malvegil: Sound like someone ELSE we know?
Aragorn: (glares) She turned him in, he nearly got hung, I busted him out cleverly inserting a Betrayal spoiler, and VOILA! Lindamar is solved and has NOTHING to do with the PLOT!
Readers: OH! Poor Bartho!
Malvegil: Told ya.
Aragorn: Bed time!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
BACK in BREE
Halbarad: See ya Kemen!
Kemen: I shall now, by way of parting, compliment you on your manners because I can't find anything else likeable about you!
Halbarad: ...See ya Kemen!
Erynbenn: I am now going to make fun of Bartho's manners.
Bartho: Kid, you are SO lucky I am nicer than I look.
Halbarad: While you two chat I'm going to worry about a big Nwalmai.
Bartho and Erynbenn: 'K.
Chapter 14
Opens with WOODS (a favorite setting in this fic)
Moranuen: I shall go with the Halbarad and Erynbenn and Bartho!
Halbarad: Why?
Moranuen: Because Hannah thinks I'm a character that should get out more. Besides all the gals love me!
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Fill in JOURNEY TO DARK TOWER montage, complete with DEAD TREES and EVIL DOORS
Aragorn: So, we have reached our destination!
Legolas: Well, I wouldn't want to build a summer home here, but—
Aragorn: And I'm going to now take Legolas into a cave.
Legolas: WHAT?!
Aragorn: (innocently) You haven't been in one for this fic yet!
Legolas: Doesn't the barrow count?
Aragorn: No.
Idhrin: Pardon me while I make a Stirring Comment and then head off to lead my men to a doom that *just might* finally kill one or two of them! Or me. Hm. Do you think the foreshadowing is a little heavy-handed?
Aragorn: Not at all! Believe me, I know subtle foreshadowing when I see it. Come on Legolas, let's go do our Really Easy part of the job where we will meet ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that is either evil or dark or sloppy or otherwise unpleasant.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Interior of NWELMAI TUNNELS
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS are being chased by the MOTHER OF ALL NWELMAI
Legolas: *You* said we'd meet absolutely nothing that was evil or dark or sloppy or other-
Aragorn: I know, I know. Do you know any way to kill this thing before it succeeds in beating us to a pulp?
Legolas: We can't kill it.
Aragorn: Why?
Legolas: These creatures are currently immortal, pending the destruction of their evil ring. If we kill it then Sarah and Hannah will be breaking their own rules. They may not be Tolkien, but they aren't *that* stupid.
Aragorn: Phooey. Easy for *them* to decide things that way. Fine.
Chapter 15
Interior of NWELMAI TUNNELS… STILL
MORE FIGHTING occurs, during which a STUPID MISCOMMUNICATION leads to the NWELMAI being stabbed in the throat.
Aragorn: Handy of you to suddenly abandon your Elven Precision Under Pressure like that.
Legolas: Anytime. Why is the cavern shaking?
A CAVE-IN has been sparked
Aragorn: There, we have successfully immobilized the MOTHER OF ALL NWELMAI in spite of Sarah's and Hannah's ridiculous rules!
Legolas: Clever.
Aragorn: Thank you. Now comes the hard part. (throws open doors to reveal beyond them A CLIFFIE!)
Chapter 16
Opens inside DARK TOWER (for more creepy details see: PROLOGUE)
Aragorn: (looking at sinister Lord Kallomore, ruler of all evil decorating) That's one ugly cliffie.
Kallomore: Ha ha. No more jokes! *I* am in charge here - even if you *are*… (pauses ominously) the heir of Isildur!
Aragorn: (gasps) How did you know?
Kallomore: How? Gee, I… uh… (can't think of a logical reason) Well… (looks about for a change of subject) Well my hand is rotting off!
Legolas: We noticed. Yuk. I am *seriously* worried about Hannah's imagination.
Kallomore: You should be more worried about the Dúnedain! I am going to sic the Nwelmai on them!
Aragorn: So what else is new? Nice ring by the way.
Kallomore: Thank you, and this time the horrible blood-thirsty Nwelmai will (ominous voice) ACTUALLY KILL SOMEONE.
Legolas: Can they do that?
Kallomore: Believe it or not, they can. Now Eression make sure these two lay off the wisecracks while I do my crazy ranting at the ceiling.
Eression: (stepping up and aiming a punch at Legolas first because, of course, Legolas is the farthest one away from Kallomore at the moment) I'm actually his son, but you're not supposed to know that yet.
Legolas and Aragorn: Gotcha.
Kallomore: (whistles at the ceiling) Here boys! Come to Daddy!
Outside DARK TOWER
The NWELMAI appear in LARGE NUMBERS
Idhrin: Uh-oh.
The NWELMAI and the DUNEDAIN fight
Malvegil: Help!
Moranuen: I'll save you!
INSIDE DARK TOWER
LEGOLAS and ERESSION fight
Aragorn: Guess that leaves you for me, eh?
Kallomore: Even though I am inexplicably strong, I shall resort to psyching you out! (sticks out his tongue) You're gonna looose, you're gonna looose!
Aragorn: Are not! Now stand still so I can stab you.
Kallomore: Hm. This mental thing doesn't seem to be working. (traps Aragorn in a headlock instead)
OUTSIDE DARK TOWER
The NWELMAI and the DUNDAIN are STILL fighting
Erynbenn: Help!
Bartho: I'll save you! Or I'll try, anyway…
Erynbenn: (dies)
Or DOES HE…?
Chapter 17
Opens inside DARK TOWER
Legolas: Hold!
Kallomore: Hold what?!
Legolas: Ha ha! I have your captain and for some reason I think that makes a difference to a big crazy guy like you!
Kallomore: Actually it does because somewhere in my demented mind I somehow retained an affection for Eression who's my son but your not supposed to know that.
Aragorn: (chokes and rasps) How convenient.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Scene changes to OUTSIDE DARK TOWER where there is a BIG FIGHT still going on
Idhrin: I shall now demonstrate my courage, prove that Dúnedain are mortal, provide the readers with someone to cry over, and make Halbarad mad all at once! (dies)
Halbarad: I am insane with anger! (charges Nwalmai)
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Back INSIDE DARK TOWER
Kallomore: I'm a big dummy and let Aragorn escape!
Aragorn: (escapes) Ha ha! Watch while I chop off another hand and gross out all the readers!
Legolas: You do that, I'll cover you from here!
Aragorn: Gee thanks. Even though evil jewelry is supposed to be nearly impossible to destroy I shall now smash this one with my sword and it will obligingly be destroyed!
RING is DESTROYED causing the SWORD to SHATTER and —
Legolas: Hey cool shattering effect!
Aragorn: Isn't it?
— and providing a JUMANJI moment as all local evil is sucked through the window.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
OUTSIDE DARK TOWER
Halbarad: You, of course, realize the only reason I would be so crazy as to charge a Nwalmai is because I have to survive until I die in Return of the King! Otherwise you would never catch me being this stupid! (hacks the life out of the Nwalmai)
NWALMAI DIE after a SHORT DELAY
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
INSIDE DARK TOWER
Kallomore: (keels over)
Eression: Oh no! FATHER!!
LEGOLAS releases him in SHOCK
Legolas: (gasps) I don't believe it!
Aragorn: Kallomore's his FATHER?! I never would have guessed it!
Eression: That was the idea.
Kallomore: Hey sonny, I'm DYING here!
Eression: Yeah and I'm real sorry about that dad!
Kallomore: I shall now perform a brief 180 and die. *performs brief 180 and dies*
Eression: (hiccup)
Aragorn: It's okay Eression! For the sake of the plot and you being a future likeable OC I'm going to ignore that you've been a big jerk and ask you nicely to show us to the twins.
Eression: Of course! You think my dad is the only one who can perform a 180?
They LEAVE
Sharzak: Hee hee hee...I am clever and ominous! Hee hee hee!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
OUTSIDE DARK TOWER
Bartho: I will now perform a very Signs-like scene while Erynbenn scares the wits out of his fans!
Halbarad: Do I get to be Bo?
Erynbenn: (gasps and convulses)
Moranuen: Hm. Maybe we should bandage him up. (does so)
Erynbenn: Ha! I feel much better now, I can actually make a joke! See? (makes a joke)
Bartho: Okay I may have nearly smiled and you may have nearly been on death's door but that WILL NOT keep me from making morbid comments.
Halbarad: Too bad Aragorn's all alone and we can't help him...oh well, I'm sure he's much better off than us anyway!
Bartho: Very good point!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
INSIDE ORC CAVE
Orcs: We never liked you.
Eression: Oh yeah, well I never liked YOU, so we're even.
Orcs: Not really *even*; after all, who're holding the scimitars right now?
ORCS prepare to do NASTY things
Eression: Help!
Aragorn and Legolas: We'll save you!
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS make ORCS wish they had never been SPAWNED
Aragorn: What now?
Eression: Follow me!
Chapter 18
Opens inside NARROW TUNNEL
Aragorn, Legolas, TWINS, and Eression reach END of NARROW TUNNEL
Aragorn: Now what?
Eression: Simple, we spark a cave-in. Technically it's a booby-trap, but the results are the same.
Legolas: Oh yes, the old 'spark a cave-in' trick. Very useful.
OUTSIDE DARK TOWER
The DUNEDAIN are DIRTY and EXHAUSTED
Aragorn: I know your dirty and exhausted, but we need to fight more orcs.
Eression: I'll help!
Halbarad: (very confused) Why? Aren't you one of the Major Villains?
Eression: Yes, but I have done a convenient 180 and am now one of the Major Good Guys!
Halbarad: Oh.
Eression: Besides, I never did like orcs.
They KILL some ORC
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Opens with INEXPLICABLY SAFE PLACE in the WOODS
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS are busy FIXING the TWINS
Aragorn: I am distinctly upset.
Legolas: You're brothers have been beaten, tormented…
Aragorn: I am more than distinctly upset.
Legolas: …called nasty names, starved, maimed, left for dead…
Aragorn: I am about to have an angst attack.
Legolas: Oh yes, and Elladan's leg? We're going to have to break it again.
Aragorn: WHY?
Legolas: Um… so you'll have an angst attack?
Aragorn: Sarah and Hannah have some serious hooey to answer for. (has an angst attack)
LATER
Elladan: (blinks and awakens)
Legolas: How many fingers am I holding up?
Elladan: Twelve.
Legolas: Close enough.
Aragorn: How are you feeling?
Elladan: Dead.
Aragorn: Close enough.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
In the DUNEDAIN CAMP
Eression: I am a worthless worm who has dwelt so much on the error of my ways that I must now trek out into the dark wilderness to serve my penance by being miserable for all my long, distinctly Dúnedain-like Numenorean years!
Aragorn: No, wait! I would like you to join my band of merry men— I mean, rangers.
Eression: Really? Why?
Aragorn: Because you were only 'rotten' and 'gullible', not 'wicked' and 'evil'; because we barely have enough Dúnedain to fight off the forces of evil as it is; because wandering in the wilderness for the rest of your years would be really dumb; and because the readers like you. And no, I'm not foolhardy, I'm just psychic.
Eression: Neat! Where do I sign?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Moranuen: Ha! No, the authoresses have not forgotten me, I have just developed an appreciation for the company of scruffy, injured men.
Halbarad: Thanks, we like you too.
Erynbenn: I think I'll mention Lindamar just one last time for fun…
Bartho: (overhears Erynbenn) WHAT?!
Erynbenn: I guess that was one time too many.
Bartho: Don't worry, I recover quickly.
Chapter 19
Opens with the OUTSKIRTS of RIVENDELL
Glorfindel: Apparently, since I am an impressive elven warrior, Sarah and Hannah felt bad that I got such a small part at the beginning - so they have now relegated me to the role of Border Sentry and Official Welcome Wagon. Oh the irony.
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS try to add some life into the age-old INJURY JOKES by turning them back on ELLADAN and ELROHIR
Moranuen: (laughs)
Legolas: Aragorn, get out of here. Go on ahead or something.
Aragorn: Okay.
LEGOLAS and ELLADAN have a MEANINGFUL conversation
INSIDE RIVENDELL
Elrond: There isn't enough mush in this fic. Allow me to provide some.
Aragorn: I'll help!
THE END … sort of.
Epilogue
Scene opens in RIVENDELL
Elrond: Ha ha ha! This story will never be over!
Elladan: In an attempt to be his clever little self: Estel has nailed my slippers to the floor.
Aragorn: (protests)
Erynbenn and Bartho: Hey there!
Aragorn: Hi guys!
Bartho: To prove we rangers never get a day off — though at the same time *nothing* will seem all that threatening after all those Nwalmai — Aragorn, we have a wolf problem.
Aragorn: You're joking right?
Bartho: Oh yeah. It's a big wolf problem if that makes you feel better. On an uncharacteristically cheerful note, Malvegil and Eression got run off a farm by a Hobbit and his pitchfork!
Aragorn: How nice! (talks about Eression)
Elladan: (looks depressed)
Aragorn: (is sympathetic)
Elrohir: (changes subject)
Celboril: The handy thing about me is that people can hear me all the time without my ever having to show my face!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
IN STABLE
Legolas: And you thought I could leave the story without a parting shot! So: I'll be glad to save you from your own stupidity Aragorn.
Aragorn: See you next time I'm in trouble then.
Legolas: Don't give Sarah and Hannah any ideas!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
On the ROAD of no AFFIXED NAME
Bartho: I'm still pessimistic.
Erynbenn: I'm still cheerful!
Bartho: However, even though I have been a pessimistic grouch for the entire story, I'm clearly not as bad as I was in the beginning and may just consider changing my ways.
Erynbenn: I won't! I think that close brush with death has made me even MORE cheerful!
Bartho: Joy.
Erynbenn: Now I'm going to be all glum and ask if all this work will ever end?
Aragorn: You will all be happy to know that the classic Sarah/Hannah funny-ending-line has turned into a classic Sarah/Hannah funny-ending-word, which, in the absence of Legolas, *I* get to say: Never.
QUOTE to prove that we read the books.
THE END ... really!
______________________________________________________________________________
And that IS the end! Of all of it! Really! For now, anyway… :D
Namárië, mellhyn!