The G-Pub
Chapter 3: Damn the Zeons
Anavel Gato, Augille Delaz, Paptimus Scirroco, and Gym Ginginham all sit together at a table. Paptimus Scirroco is smoking a rather robust cigar.
Gato looks over at Kou with Nina and Mark with Cynthia.
Gato: Damn, at least their happy . . .
Delaz spits his drink out.
Delaz: Damn, what kind of whiskey is this?
Scirroco: Guys, lighten up. The wars are over. The bar is our life now. Just accept it.
Gato: No! The war is not over! Zeon triumphs over all enemies!
Gym: Guys, if I can accept being this ugly, you can accept the fact the Zeon Duchy lost.
Delaz: NEVER! We will never be happy until superiority is brought to the spacenoids!
Scirroco: And I just had a vision of a future where very beautiful women all sitting with me in a spa for free.
Gym: Can I come?
Scirroco: They'll probably charge you.
Suddenly, Gihren Zabi walks in with a podium, prepared to give a speech.
Gihren: Loyal followers of Zeon! Our cause is not over!
Gato and Delaz: YES! SIEG ZEON!
Gihren: All of Zeon will belong to me after I kill my siblings again, father again, and destroy fleets with my laser!
Gato and Delaz begin jumping up and down like a school girl at an N'Sync concert.
Gato and Delaz: Go Gihren! Go Gihren! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
Gihren: And all of Zeon will rule the universe!
Gato and Delaz: Oh my God! He's soooooooooo sexy!
Gihren waves at Gato and Delaz.
Gato: Oh my God! He just waved at me!
Delaz: No! He waved at me!
Gato: Shut up prissy little white boy!
Delaz: Quiet! I am your superior and I say he waved at me!
Gato: Yes, sir . . .
Scirroco: (Shaking his head): Damn Zeeks . . .
Scirocco's cell phone rings, and he answers it.
Scirocco: Yes, this is "Pappy's Escort Service". How may I procure for you? (Speaking from the phone) Yes, my girls will do anything. (More from the phone) . . . Well, maybe not that.
Camille walks up to him.
Camille: You and I need to talk.
Scirocco: (To phone) Can you call me back, I have a pressing matter. (Hangs up) So, what can I do you for, Cammy-boy?
Camille: I'm here to put a stop to this. Do you have any idea what you're doing to people?!
Scirocco: Providing a giddy little thrill at a reasonable price?
Camille: Quatre nearly bankrupted his family's business paying for your escorts! He pawned Sandrock to pay for your last girl!
Scirocco: So the boy has specific tastes . . . so to speak. Heh, heh.
Camille: And I your drug business is out of control.
Scirocco: Hey, I just sell a few medicinal herbs I grew out near Jupiter. Your friends seem to like them.
He points over at a table where the main AEUG crew is getting nice and stoned, complete with laughter and munchies.
Scirroco: And look over at that.
He points over at Amuro, who's stoned out of his gourd.
Camille: Amuro, don't tell me you still use that junk!
Amuro: Hey man, this is medicinal. If I use it, I can get strange psychic powers and stuff.
Camille: . . . you already have psychic powers. You're a Newtype, remember?
Amuro: Dude, you're harshing my groove.
Camille: How can you possibly justify this?!
Scirocco: I just needed some cash to spice up The O.
Out the window, we can see The O, complete with spoilers and a shiny new paint job.
Camille: You've gotta' be kidding me . . .
Scirocco: I even got gold rims.
We get a close up of the feet, which are golden.
Scirocco: And check out the sound system!
He presses a button on a keychain and The-O's pecks open up, revealing massive speakers that start blaring techno music.
Camille: . . . This is a nightmare . . .
Scirocco: Wait a second. (Puts on a fur coat and wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in the band.) NOW it's a nightmare, right?
Camille: I wish I was comatose again . . .
Scirocco: You know . . . I have some friends who could get you a petition for a name change. How does Hercules Q. Einstein sound?
Camille: . . . I'm listening . . .
Scirroco gets another phone call.
Scirroco: Hmm? Mmm hmph. (Hangs up) I gotta' go. (Throws Camille a newspaper) Take care, my boy.
Camille starts reading the newspaper.
Camille: Wow, there are a lot of abductions going on lately.
Char: Please. Anyone who falls for the old "Hey, Mister" bit and gets whopped on the head deserves to be kidnapped. Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
Char walks out and gets stopped by a guy in Neo Zeon uniform.
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.
Char: Yes, comrade?
Another Neo Zeon soldier sneaks up behind him and bashes Char's head with a sap.
Char: I said "yes", not "hit me hard on the head". (Passes out)
Time lapse. Char is in a dungeon, being tortured by a guy who only speaks Spanish.
Char: So, if I don't swear to loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire. But if I DO swear loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire and cut off . . .
Spanish Guy: Sus testÃculos!
Char: . . . Yes, those with a . . . rusty farm impliment of some kind that we couldn't work out. Well, you only live once. I swear loyalty to Glemmy.
The guy runs off and returns with . . .
Char: (Sarcasm) Oh, it's a scythe!
Voice: That's enough!
The guy runs off in terror as his master, Gyunei Guss enters.
Gyunei: So, we meet again, Char Aznable.
Char: (Looks blank) Sorry, no.
Gyunei: Do you remember Axis? That dark-haired child who you said had the greatest Newtype potential you had ever sensed?
Char: My God . . .
Gyunei: That's right! I was his teenaged baby-sitter!
Char: YOU were Alyssa? But I slept with you!
Gyunei: For my cause, I will go to any lengths. When Haman hears that I've kidnapped you, she'll pay me richly for your release. I'll then use that money to buy Nu Gundam and prove myself the greatest Newtype of all time!
Char: Hah, you're certainly underestimating Haman if you think she'll fold to your demands.
Gyunei: Oh, okay then. Don't feel too lonely, you'll soon have a guest.
In the Pub . . .
Scirocco: Say Haman, have you seen Char around lately? He has my little black book.
Haman: Haven't seen him for the past week, sorry.
Scirocco: Oh well.
He goes outside and encounters the two Neo Zeon soldiers.
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.
Scirocco: Yeah?
Time lapse, we're taken to the dungeon.
Scirocco: (Waking up) Uuuugh...my head.
Char: Welcome back to the world of the waking, Pappy.
Scirocco: Char? Where the hell are we?
Char: Oh, at the mercy of a power-hungry artificial Newtype.
Gyunei enters.
Gyunei: Greetings, Paptimus. It's been a while.
Scirocco: I don't believe we've met. Aren't you that kid from Neon Genesis Evangelion?
Gyunei: Argh. Sure we've met. On the Jupitris, there was a blue-haired girl who would bring you snacks while you built your Mobile Suits.
Scirocco: You . . .
Gyunei: Indeed! I was her German Shepard!
Scirocco: Mr. Woofers? But I . . .
Char looks at him funny.
Scirocco: Never mind.
Gyunei: Well, we shall soon see your fate. I've sent a ransom note to Haman, demanding an exorbitant amount of money for each of you. She'll only be able to save one of you, and the other will be tortured to death! (Evil laughter)
Char: Let me guess, your mother died when you were young and your father neglected you to build giant robots. And your legal guardian and friends put lots of sexual stress on you.
Gyunei: I don't know what you're talking about. It was considered quite cool to have inferiority complex where I came from.
Char: Whatever you say, Anno.
Back in the Pub, Haman was having tea with the rest of the girls.
Relena: Nice weather we've been having lately, wouldn't you say so?
Haman: Uh-huh. By the way, I got a ransom note demanding 1 billion dollars each for the safe return of Char and Scirocco.
Four: Tough choice. What are you gonna' do?
In the dungeon . . .
Gyunei: I have received the reply. Let me read it to you.
Char: Typical villain, loves the sound of his own voice.
Scirroco: Most like a typical, screwed up, paranoid Zeon bastard.
Char: Hey, us Zeons take pride in our paranoia.
Gyunei: "Dear Madman: I've done some serious thinking about your demands, and I just can't choose between my old flame Char and my dealer Scirocco. So instead, I'm spending the money on a really big party and male strippers so I can forget about both of them."
Char: WHAT THE . . . ?!
Gyunei: "Hope you're not too mad. Buh-bye."
Char: That girl . . .
Gyunei: This totally ruins my plan, you know. Oh well, at least I get to torture you two.
Char: Hey, I can tell you how to get at Haman during her party.
Scirocco: Char! What happened to your sense of integrity?!
Char: What sense of integrity?
Scirocco: . . . oh yeah.
Gyunei: So you'll both sell out your friend for your freedom?
Char and Scirroco: Yup.
In the bar, the girls are all dressed in casual as flashing disco lights and male strippers fill the place. The usual guys are nowhere to be found.
Christina: This is a great party!
Haman: Yeah, I've almost forgotten about those guys.
Allenby: (Looking slightly tipsy) . . . What guys?
The girls all laugh and clink their glasses together. A guy dressed as a UPS man walks up.
UPS Stripper: There's some guy at the door wearing a military uniform.
Haman: Ooh, how kinky. Did he say what his name was?
Char: (Bursting through the door) The Red Comet!
Haman: Hi there Char, it seems like you got away just fine.
Char: Right. Unfortunately, I'm not alone.
Scirocco comes in and kisses Haman's hand.
Scirocco: But how could I resist the beauty and bitch-ness of She Who Rules All of Space?
Sayla: So, how did you get away from that guy anyway?
Char: Thanks for reminding me.
He pulls out a gun and shoots Four. Camille runs in.
Camille: FOUR!!!
Char: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the master of disguise and our erstwhile captor, Gyunei Guss.
Gyunei: How did you know?
Char: Simple, actually. I knew that if Haman threw a party, she'd be sure to invite all her Shuffle friends. Therefore, I suggested you disguise yourself as Four, which would make your horridly unshorn legs that much more obvious.
Camille: (Looks at Gyunei's hairy legs) Eww! (Drops him)
Gyunei: Very clever. (Pulls off his wig) So we meet again, Haman...
Haman: Um . . . you'll have to refresh my memory.
Gyunei: Do you remember the arrogant, red-headed pilot from Axis High School?
Haman: You . . .
Gyunei: Yes! I was her quiet, introverted friend!
Haman: Shinji Ikari?
Gyunei: ARGH! NO!! (Gets up and starts slinking off) I will return, and reap my revenge!
Char: No, you will die and be buried!
He shoots Gyunei again, who groans.
Everyone: Huzzah!
Char: Odd fellow.
Haman: Welcome back, but the rest of your friends are busy looking for a bar that isn't featuring men removing their clothes for a crowd of drunken and frustrated women.
A sequined thong lands on Char's head.
Char: I think I see why. I'm outta' here.
Meanwhile . . .
President of Funimation: Unit BUTCHHOUND, what is your status?
Mysterious Lead Figure: We are currently undergoing a plan to kidnap a member of the Gundam World and interrogate him. We'll get some information . . .
President: Excellent! I await your success . . .
(Insert heavy, evil laughing)
To Be Continued . . .
Anavel Gato, Augille Delaz, Paptimus Scirroco, and Gym Ginginham all sit together at a table. Paptimus Scirroco is smoking a rather robust cigar.
Gato looks over at Kou with Nina and Mark with Cynthia.
Gato: Damn, at least their happy . . .
Delaz spits his drink out.
Delaz: Damn, what kind of whiskey is this?
Scirroco: Guys, lighten up. The wars are over. The bar is our life now. Just accept it.
Gato: No! The war is not over! Zeon triumphs over all enemies!
Gym: Guys, if I can accept being this ugly, you can accept the fact the Zeon Duchy lost.
Delaz: NEVER! We will never be happy until superiority is brought to the spacenoids!
Scirroco: And I just had a vision of a future where very beautiful women all sitting with me in a spa for free.
Gym: Can I come?
Scirroco: They'll probably charge you.
Suddenly, Gihren Zabi walks in with a podium, prepared to give a speech.
Gihren: Loyal followers of Zeon! Our cause is not over!
Gato and Delaz: YES! SIEG ZEON!
Gihren: All of Zeon will belong to me after I kill my siblings again, father again, and destroy fleets with my laser!
Gato and Delaz begin jumping up and down like a school girl at an N'Sync concert.
Gato and Delaz: Go Gihren! Go Gihren! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
Gihren: And all of Zeon will rule the universe!
Gato and Delaz: Oh my God! He's soooooooooo sexy!
Gihren waves at Gato and Delaz.
Gato: Oh my God! He just waved at me!
Delaz: No! He waved at me!
Gato: Shut up prissy little white boy!
Delaz: Quiet! I am your superior and I say he waved at me!
Gato: Yes, sir . . .
Scirroco: (Shaking his head): Damn Zeeks . . .
Scirocco's cell phone rings, and he answers it.
Scirocco: Yes, this is "Pappy's Escort Service". How may I procure for you? (Speaking from the phone) Yes, my girls will do anything. (More from the phone) . . . Well, maybe not that.
Camille walks up to him.
Camille: You and I need to talk.
Scirocco: (To phone) Can you call me back, I have a pressing matter. (Hangs up) So, what can I do you for, Cammy-boy?
Camille: I'm here to put a stop to this. Do you have any idea what you're doing to people?!
Scirocco: Providing a giddy little thrill at a reasonable price?
Camille: Quatre nearly bankrupted his family's business paying for your escorts! He pawned Sandrock to pay for your last girl!
Scirocco: So the boy has specific tastes . . . so to speak. Heh, heh.
Camille: And I your drug business is out of control.
Scirocco: Hey, I just sell a few medicinal herbs I grew out near Jupiter. Your friends seem to like them.
He points over at a table where the main AEUG crew is getting nice and stoned, complete with laughter and munchies.
Scirroco: And look over at that.
He points over at Amuro, who's stoned out of his gourd.
Camille: Amuro, don't tell me you still use that junk!
Amuro: Hey man, this is medicinal. If I use it, I can get strange psychic powers and stuff.
Camille: . . . you already have psychic powers. You're a Newtype, remember?
Amuro: Dude, you're harshing my groove.
Camille: How can you possibly justify this?!
Scirocco: I just needed some cash to spice up The O.
Out the window, we can see The O, complete with spoilers and a shiny new paint job.
Camille: You've gotta' be kidding me . . .
Scirocco: I even got gold rims.
We get a close up of the feet, which are golden.
Scirocco: And check out the sound system!
He presses a button on a keychain and The-O's pecks open up, revealing massive speakers that start blaring techno music.
Camille: . . . This is a nightmare . . .
Scirocco: Wait a second. (Puts on a fur coat and wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in the band.) NOW it's a nightmare, right?
Camille: I wish I was comatose again . . .
Scirocco: You know . . . I have some friends who could get you a petition for a name change. How does Hercules Q. Einstein sound?
Camille: . . . I'm listening . . .
Scirroco gets another phone call.
Scirroco: Hmm? Mmm hmph. (Hangs up) I gotta' go. (Throws Camille a newspaper) Take care, my boy.
Camille starts reading the newspaper.
Camille: Wow, there are a lot of abductions going on lately.
Char: Please. Anyone who falls for the old "Hey, Mister" bit and gets whopped on the head deserves to be kidnapped. Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
Char walks out and gets stopped by a guy in Neo Zeon uniform.
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.
Char: Yes, comrade?
Another Neo Zeon soldier sneaks up behind him and bashes Char's head with a sap.
Char: I said "yes", not "hit me hard on the head". (Passes out)
Time lapse. Char is in a dungeon, being tortured by a guy who only speaks Spanish.
Char: So, if I don't swear to loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire. But if I DO swear loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire and cut off . . .
Spanish Guy: Sus testÃculos!
Char: . . . Yes, those with a . . . rusty farm impliment of some kind that we couldn't work out. Well, you only live once. I swear loyalty to Glemmy.
The guy runs off and returns with . . .
Char: (Sarcasm) Oh, it's a scythe!
Voice: That's enough!
The guy runs off in terror as his master, Gyunei Guss enters.
Gyunei: So, we meet again, Char Aznable.
Char: (Looks blank) Sorry, no.
Gyunei: Do you remember Axis? That dark-haired child who you said had the greatest Newtype potential you had ever sensed?
Char: My God . . .
Gyunei: That's right! I was his teenaged baby-sitter!
Char: YOU were Alyssa? But I slept with you!
Gyunei: For my cause, I will go to any lengths. When Haman hears that I've kidnapped you, she'll pay me richly for your release. I'll then use that money to buy Nu Gundam and prove myself the greatest Newtype of all time!
Char: Hah, you're certainly underestimating Haman if you think she'll fold to your demands.
Gyunei: Oh, okay then. Don't feel too lonely, you'll soon have a guest.
In the Pub . . .
Scirocco: Say Haman, have you seen Char around lately? He has my little black book.
Haman: Haven't seen him for the past week, sorry.
Scirocco: Oh well.
He goes outside and encounters the two Neo Zeon soldiers.
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.
Scirocco: Yeah?
Time lapse, we're taken to the dungeon.
Scirocco: (Waking up) Uuuugh...my head.
Char: Welcome back to the world of the waking, Pappy.
Scirocco: Char? Where the hell are we?
Char: Oh, at the mercy of a power-hungry artificial Newtype.
Gyunei enters.
Gyunei: Greetings, Paptimus. It's been a while.
Scirocco: I don't believe we've met. Aren't you that kid from Neon Genesis Evangelion?
Gyunei: Argh. Sure we've met. On the Jupitris, there was a blue-haired girl who would bring you snacks while you built your Mobile Suits.
Scirocco: You . . .
Gyunei: Indeed! I was her German Shepard!
Scirocco: Mr. Woofers? But I . . .
Char looks at him funny.
Scirocco: Never mind.
Gyunei: Well, we shall soon see your fate. I've sent a ransom note to Haman, demanding an exorbitant amount of money for each of you. She'll only be able to save one of you, and the other will be tortured to death! (Evil laughter)
Char: Let me guess, your mother died when you were young and your father neglected you to build giant robots. And your legal guardian and friends put lots of sexual stress on you.
Gyunei: I don't know what you're talking about. It was considered quite cool to have inferiority complex where I came from.
Char: Whatever you say, Anno.
Back in the Pub, Haman was having tea with the rest of the girls.
Relena: Nice weather we've been having lately, wouldn't you say so?
Haman: Uh-huh. By the way, I got a ransom note demanding 1 billion dollars each for the safe return of Char and Scirocco.
Four: Tough choice. What are you gonna' do?
In the dungeon . . .
Gyunei: I have received the reply. Let me read it to you.
Char: Typical villain, loves the sound of his own voice.
Scirroco: Most like a typical, screwed up, paranoid Zeon bastard.
Char: Hey, us Zeons take pride in our paranoia.
Gyunei: "Dear Madman: I've done some serious thinking about your demands, and I just can't choose between my old flame Char and my dealer Scirocco. So instead, I'm spending the money on a really big party and male strippers so I can forget about both of them."
Char: WHAT THE . . . ?!
Gyunei: "Hope you're not too mad. Buh-bye."
Char: That girl . . .
Gyunei: This totally ruins my plan, you know. Oh well, at least I get to torture you two.
Char: Hey, I can tell you how to get at Haman during her party.
Scirocco: Char! What happened to your sense of integrity?!
Char: What sense of integrity?
Scirocco: . . . oh yeah.
Gyunei: So you'll both sell out your friend for your freedom?
Char and Scirroco: Yup.
In the bar, the girls are all dressed in casual as flashing disco lights and male strippers fill the place. The usual guys are nowhere to be found.
Christina: This is a great party!
Haman: Yeah, I've almost forgotten about those guys.
Allenby: (Looking slightly tipsy) . . . What guys?
The girls all laugh and clink their glasses together. A guy dressed as a UPS man walks up.
UPS Stripper: There's some guy at the door wearing a military uniform.
Haman: Ooh, how kinky. Did he say what his name was?
Char: (Bursting through the door) The Red Comet!
Haman: Hi there Char, it seems like you got away just fine.
Char: Right. Unfortunately, I'm not alone.
Scirocco comes in and kisses Haman's hand.
Scirocco: But how could I resist the beauty and bitch-ness of She Who Rules All of Space?
Sayla: So, how did you get away from that guy anyway?
Char: Thanks for reminding me.
He pulls out a gun and shoots Four. Camille runs in.
Camille: FOUR!!!
Char: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the master of disguise and our erstwhile captor, Gyunei Guss.
Gyunei: How did you know?
Char: Simple, actually. I knew that if Haman threw a party, she'd be sure to invite all her Shuffle friends. Therefore, I suggested you disguise yourself as Four, which would make your horridly unshorn legs that much more obvious.
Camille: (Looks at Gyunei's hairy legs) Eww! (Drops him)
Gyunei: Very clever. (Pulls off his wig) So we meet again, Haman...
Haman: Um . . . you'll have to refresh my memory.
Gyunei: Do you remember the arrogant, red-headed pilot from Axis High School?
Haman: You . . .
Gyunei: Yes! I was her quiet, introverted friend!
Haman: Shinji Ikari?
Gyunei: ARGH! NO!! (Gets up and starts slinking off) I will return, and reap my revenge!
Char: No, you will die and be buried!
He shoots Gyunei again, who groans.
Everyone: Huzzah!
Char: Odd fellow.
Haman: Welcome back, but the rest of your friends are busy looking for a bar that isn't featuring men removing their clothes for a crowd of drunken and frustrated women.
A sequined thong lands on Char's head.
Char: I think I see why. I'm outta' here.
Meanwhile . . .
President of Funimation: Unit BUTCHHOUND, what is your status?
Mysterious Lead Figure: We are currently undergoing a plan to kidnap a member of the Gundam World and interrogate him. We'll get some information . . .
President: Excellent! I await your success . . .
(Insert heavy, evil laughing)
To Be Continued . . .