The G-Pub
Chapter 5: Court Trouble - Phase 1
At the Pub . . .
The door swings open and a group of strangers walk through the door. Every one stares at the group, not recognizing any of them. They walk over to Char like they know what they are doing.
Man #1: Char, wazzup!
Char: I hate people who say wazzup! Who the hell are you?
Man #1: Aw, you're always joshin' me around, good buddy.
Char: Really man, I don't know who you are, and I really don't care either.
Man #1: Captain Char, your joking right? It's me Gene.
Char: I really could care less, now if you would excuse me I've beer to drink and pre-teens to oogle.
Gene: Jerk, you can't say you don't know me!
Slender: What about me, Captain Char?
Denim: You have to remember me!?
Char: I don't know a damn one of you!
Bob: Anavel, you remember me, huh?
Karius: Commander Gato?
Gato: Quick looking at me like that, I don't know you.
Kult: Cima, please say you know me.
Cima: I don't know you at all, you lunatic.
Random OZ Soldier: Hey, Captain Zechs, don't you remember me?
Zechs: Who are you?
Random OZ Soldier: I'm . . . uh . . . umm . . .
Zechs: You don't even have a name, do you?
Random OZ Soldier: Umm . . . no . . .
Slender: You're all lying! You know us!
Karius: How can all of you say that!
Gene: Were the most important characters here!
Char: You're full of crap! You're all nobodies!
Kult: No we aren't!
Gato: Oh yeah, than what's your last name?"
Gene: . . .
Denim: . . .
Slender: . . .
Bob: . . .
Karius: . . .
Kult: . . .
Random OZ Soldier: . . .
Cima: See, you don't even have last names!
Zechs: And one of you doesn't even have a name!
Char: How can you be important if the creator of the show didn't even give you a last name!
Bob: Shut up! We were still important!
Gato: How?
Gene: I piloted that Zaku!
Denim: I piloted a Zaku!
Slender: I piloted a Zaku II!
Bob: I piloted a Xamel!
Karius: I piloted a Zaku II!
Kult: I piloted a Zaku!
Random OZ Soldier: I had a Leo!
Cima: You're all so pathetic! Only one of you didn't get a Zaku, while one other had something that gets blown away by just being breathed on!
Char: I'll bet they didn't even have customized colors.
Gato: And I'll bet you all died horrible deaths screaming like a little girl.
Char: Yeah! It's a Gundam! Ahhhhhh! Boom! HA HA HA HA HA!
Gato: (Laughing) Good one, Char!
Denim: It's not funny!
Char: No, it's funny as hell. It's just that you are the jokes.
Gato: Yeah, now get out of here you nobodies, or we'll sic Gundam on you.
Char: Yeah! And don't come back!
Gene: You laugh now, but we'll get you back! Wait and see!
Char: Oh no! Don't explode in my vicinity like pathetic cannon fodder!
The group of last-nameless losers leaves the bar vowing revenge
Cima: Gee, maybe we were a little hard on them.
Gato: Yeah right! They got what they deserved.
Char: Yeah, they couldn't touch us if they tried.
Cima: I don't know . . . I have a bad feeling . . .
Meanwhile . ..
Revolver Zero and Newtype Gerbil linger in their base as they go over the plan. Liquid Char is still in the corner thinking.
Zero: So, what's this genius plan, Chronicle?
Gerbil: I introduce to you . . . fellow Unit BUTCHHOUND member - Lawyer Reducto!
Zero: Dude, we got guys from Adult Swim? I thought BUTCHHOUND despises them.
Gerbil: Ah, but Reducto's from the comedy lineup. Don't you just love getting around the yellow tape? Now, time to get back at my former Gundam allies . . .
Days Later, At the G-Pub . . .
Char comes running into the Pub
Char: Craaaaap! Amuro, look at this!
Amuro: Hah, a subpoena. You're being sued!
Amuro laughs. Even Heero cracks a smile.
Char: Not me. Us!
Amuro: WHAT!!! I didn't get one of these in the mail!
Char: Yeah, they sent me one and told me to tell you. Ain't my fault stamps are so damn expensive.
Amuro: This is impossible, who could sue us? Or at least me anyway?
Heero: . . . I'll kill them . . .
Amuro: Settle down, boy.
Char: Remember those nobodies that came in here a few days ago . . .
Amuro: Who?
Char: Ummm, I don't know. They were all losers. Nobody cares who they are and we all made fun of them and now they are suing.
Amuro: How can they sue just cause' you mad fun of them?
Char: They aren't they are saying they were treated unfairly during the show.
Amuro: WHAT!!! How?
Char: Lets see . . . defamation of character . . . wrongful termination . . . the list goes on.
Heero: I'm to blame for some of that . . .
Amuro: How do you figure?
Heero: Remember how Leo Pilots used to fall by the hundreds?
Char: Hmm . . . can't forget that . . .
Amuro: Geez, what losers . . . don't you see what's going on.
Char: The guy writing this is trying to cash in on the recent success of the G-Pub?
Amuro: Yeah that too, but I think that they're just mad they can't be the star like me.
Char: Yeah something like that. Dude, we gotta' sue them back!
Amuro: But for how much, and for what.
Char: I could call punitive damages, I got a paper cut when I opened the letter, I had to go out and buy a box of band-aids to get the bleeding to stop.
Amuro: So how much were the band-aids?
Char: $4.97, that includes the tax.
Amuro: Than it's settled! We're gonna' sue them back for five dollars!
Char: All right, then! So we just need to get an attorney.
Amuro: Who are we gonna' get.
Char: Don't worry I'll figure it out.
Amuro: No.
Char: Why not?
Amuro: Every time you say that we either end up in an impact crater or a graveyard . . . I think I have valid concerns.
Char: Don't be such a sissy. I got everything under control.
Amuro: Fine, when are opening arguments?
Char: Tomorrow at 12:00.
Amuro: All right. You better not screw this up.
Char: Who, me?
The next day at the court room . . .
Char: Sorry, I'm a little late. I met this cute chick and gave her a ride to school. Man I so got her digits!
Amuro: Lucky the judge isn't here yet either.
Char: That's not like Judge Mightor, he's usually so punctual.
Amuro: We don't have Judge Mightor.
Char: Damn! Judge Mightor is such a pushover . . . who do we have than?
Amuro: I dunno, but I hear she is the meanest creature to ever rap a gavel.
Bailiff: The judge is in session, please report to the court room.
Amuro: Well looks like we better go.
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin.
Char: What the hell!? Friggin' Judge Judy!?
Judy: What did you just say?
Char: Ummm, nothing ma'am . . .
Judy: I'm watching you Mr. Aznable. I'm going to be on you like white on rice on a paper plate in a snow storm.
Amuro: (Under his breath) What the hell does that mean?
Judy: All right now let me get this straight you guys want to sue Mr. Aznable and Mr. Rayas well as others in the court including Mr. Yuy. Mr. Ran, and several others for several charges.
Denim: That is correct your honor.
Judy: And you Mr. Aznable are counter-suing based on punitive damages . . . for five dollars . . . is that correct?
Char: Yep.
Judy: Yep? You will speak properly in my court and address me as your honor. And five dollars? Are you trying to make a mockery of this court Mr. Aznable?
Char: Yep.
Judy: Do you see stupid written on my face?
Char: (Grabs a sharp pencil) Not yet.
Amuro: Stop!
Char: Awwww.
Judy: Now Mr . . . umm . . . Your last name isn't written here.
Denim: That's because none of us have one.
Judy: These charges your suing for, over 7000 charges of murder in the first degree, defamation of character, wrongful termination. These are some serious charges, can you validate them.
Denim: Yes your honor.
Judy: Now these 7,849 counts of murder, who died?
Denim: Us.
Judy: You look alive to me.
Denim: Well we all died in the show.
Judy: And what show is this?
Denim: . . .Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta Gundam, Char's Counterattack, Gundam W, Gundam X, Victory Gundam, among many others . . .
Judy: Hmm . . . I'll have to check it out. Court will take a recess and will meet again tomorrow.
Char: (Very confident) Man, we're kicking ass.
Amuro: We're doomed . . .
The next day . . .
Judy: After reviewing the selected material and levying the charges against Mr. Aznable and Mr. Ray, and then taking into account that I really don't like Mr. Aznable, the murder charges stand.
Char: Woohoo!
Amuro: You idiot! (Kicks Char in the shin)
Judy: Now these other charges, defamation of character. Do you have evidence to support this?
Denim: Yes your honor, as you could plainly see we were killed off early so we were never allowed to show our true skills. The audience just assumes we suck, but in truth we're better than them.
Char: Bull!
Judy: You're out of order Mr. Aznable!
Char: No that drink machine is out of order, it stole my dollar!
Judy: I'm the boss, applesauce! The charge stands.
Amuro: Damnit!
Judy: Now, wrongful termination?
Denim: Well, unable to cope with the fact that we were better than them, they killed us in the show and than bribed the director fire us.
Judy: Is this true?
Amuro: (Who has bound and gagged Char) No your honor, we were only following the script.
Judy: So your saying that these people were supposed to die in the show.
Amuro: Yes your honor.
Judy: Hmmm, this charge doesn't stand.
Amuro: Yes!
Judy: I will return with a verdict.
An hour later . . .
Judy: Taking into consideration that this was a cartoon I'm dropping all charges against Mr. Ray and Mr. Aznable and they are to be awarded $5.00. However all further Gundam productions by law can have no death in them.
Amuro: Strange verdict?
Char: Dude, I can't kill anyone?
In the judges chambers . . .
Judy: I did as instructed my dark master.
Judge Judy takes off her cloak and reveals herself as Lawyer Reducto . . .
An evil demonic figure appears in a puff of fire and brimstone. It's none other than . . .
President of Funimation: Excellent, my minion! Soon, Gundam will be mine!
Meanwhile . . .
Liquid Char: So, what did I miss?
Newtype Gerbil: Not much. So, where do we go from here?
Lawyer Reducto: Well . . . I will reprise my role as a lawyer!
Revolver Zero: Sounds reasonable.
Reducto: We're going into Phase 2 of the plan now . . . it is here that we finish off Gundam and bring it to Funimation! And whoever doesn't agree will feel the wrath of my shrink gun!
Liquid: Interesting. I here you're bringing in backup for this plan?
Gerbil: Here he is! The one and only . . .
The lights fade and then turn back on, in the background, a familiar tune begins playing.
Voice: "All right stop, Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly, Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know. Turn off the lights and I'll glow, To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!"
Vanilla Ice enters the seen trying to break-dance, but slips and lands on his head. He tries to play it off, gets up and continues singing.
Zero: Uh . . . uh huh. I guess I'll come along to just to make sure everything goes well . . . (Mumbling) Vanilla Ice, what the hell are these guys thinking? . . .
To Be Continued . . .
At the Pub . . .
The door swings open and a group of strangers walk through the door. Every one stares at the group, not recognizing any of them. They walk over to Char like they know what they are doing.
Man #1: Char, wazzup!
Char: I hate people who say wazzup! Who the hell are you?
Man #1: Aw, you're always joshin' me around, good buddy.
Char: Really man, I don't know who you are, and I really don't care either.
Man #1: Captain Char, your joking right? It's me Gene.
Char: I really could care less, now if you would excuse me I've beer to drink and pre-teens to oogle.
Gene: Jerk, you can't say you don't know me!
Slender: What about me, Captain Char?
Denim: You have to remember me!?
Char: I don't know a damn one of you!
Bob: Anavel, you remember me, huh?
Karius: Commander Gato?
Gato: Quick looking at me like that, I don't know you.
Kult: Cima, please say you know me.
Cima: I don't know you at all, you lunatic.
Random OZ Soldier: Hey, Captain Zechs, don't you remember me?
Zechs: Who are you?
Random OZ Soldier: I'm . . . uh . . . umm . . .
Zechs: You don't even have a name, do you?
Random OZ Soldier: Umm . . . no . . .
Slender: You're all lying! You know us!
Karius: How can all of you say that!
Gene: Were the most important characters here!
Char: You're full of crap! You're all nobodies!
Kult: No we aren't!
Gato: Oh yeah, than what's your last name?"
Gene: . . .
Denim: . . .
Slender: . . .
Bob: . . .
Karius: . . .
Kult: . . .
Random OZ Soldier: . . .
Cima: See, you don't even have last names!
Zechs: And one of you doesn't even have a name!
Char: How can you be important if the creator of the show didn't even give you a last name!
Bob: Shut up! We were still important!
Gato: How?
Gene: I piloted that Zaku!
Denim: I piloted a Zaku!
Slender: I piloted a Zaku II!
Bob: I piloted a Xamel!
Karius: I piloted a Zaku II!
Kult: I piloted a Zaku!
Random OZ Soldier: I had a Leo!
Cima: You're all so pathetic! Only one of you didn't get a Zaku, while one other had something that gets blown away by just being breathed on!
Char: I'll bet they didn't even have customized colors.
Gato: And I'll bet you all died horrible deaths screaming like a little girl.
Char: Yeah! It's a Gundam! Ahhhhhh! Boom! HA HA HA HA HA!
Gato: (Laughing) Good one, Char!
Denim: It's not funny!
Char: No, it's funny as hell. It's just that you are the jokes.
Gato: Yeah, now get out of here you nobodies, or we'll sic Gundam on you.
Char: Yeah! And don't come back!
Gene: You laugh now, but we'll get you back! Wait and see!
Char: Oh no! Don't explode in my vicinity like pathetic cannon fodder!
The group of last-nameless losers leaves the bar vowing revenge
Cima: Gee, maybe we were a little hard on them.
Gato: Yeah right! They got what they deserved.
Char: Yeah, they couldn't touch us if they tried.
Cima: I don't know . . . I have a bad feeling . . .
Meanwhile . ..
Revolver Zero and Newtype Gerbil linger in their base as they go over the plan. Liquid Char is still in the corner thinking.
Zero: So, what's this genius plan, Chronicle?
Gerbil: I introduce to you . . . fellow Unit BUTCHHOUND member - Lawyer Reducto!
Zero: Dude, we got guys from Adult Swim? I thought BUTCHHOUND despises them.
Gerbil: Ah, but Reducto's from the comedy lineup. Don't you just love getting around the yellow tape? Now, time to get back at my former Gundam allies . . .
Days Later, At the G-Pub . . .
Char comes running into the Pub
Char: Craaaaap! Amuro, look at this!
Amuro: Hah, a subpoena. You're being sued!
Amuro laughs. Even Heero cracks a smile.
Char: Not me. Us!
Amuro: WHAT!!! I didn't get one of these in the mail!
Char: Yeah, they sent me one and told me to tell you. Ain't my fault stamps are so damn expensive.
Amuro: This is impossible, who could sue us? Or at least me anyway?
Heero: . . . I'll kill them . . .
Amuro: Settle down, boy.
Char: Remember those nobodies that came in here a few days ago . . .
Amuro: Who?
Char: Ummm, I don't know. They were all losers. Nobody cares who they are and we all made fun of them and now they are suing.
Amuro: How can they sue just cause' you mad fun of them?
Char: They aren't they are saying they were treated unfairly during the show.
Amuro: WHAT!!! How?
Char: Lets see . . . defamation of character . . . wrongful termination . . . the list goes on.
Heero: I'm to blame for some of that . . .
Amuro: How do you figure?
Heero: Remember how Leo Pilots used to fall by the hundreds?
Char: Hmm . . . can't forget that . . .
Amuro: Geez, what losers . . . don't you see what's going on.
Char: The guy writing this is trying to cash in on the recent success of the G-Pub?
Amuro: Yeah that too, but I think that they're just mad they can't be the star like me.
Char: Yeah something like that. Dude, we gotta' sue them back!
Amuro: But for how much, and for what.
Char: I could call punitive damages, I got a paper cut when I opened the letter, I had to go out and buy a box of band-aids to get the bleeding to stop.
Amuro: So how much were the band-aids?
Char: $4.97, that includes the tax.
Amuro: Than it's settled! We're gonna' sue them back for five dollars!
Char: All right, then! So we just need to get an attorney.
Amuro: Who are we gonna' get.
Char: Don't worry I'll figure it out.
Amuro: No.
Char: Why not?
Amuro: Every time you say that we either end up in an impact crater or a graveyard . . . I think I have valid concerns.
Char: Don't be such a sissy. I got everything under control.
Amuro: Fine, when are opening arguments?
Char: Tomorrow at 12:00.
Amuro: All right. You better not screw this up.
Char: Who, me?
The next day at the court room . . .
Char: Sorry, I'm a little late. I met this cute chick and gave her a ride to school. Man I so got her digits!
Amuro: Lucky the judge isn't here yet either.
Char: That's not like Judge Mightor, he's usually so punctual.
Amuro: We don't have Judge Mightor.
Char: Damn! Judge Mightor is such a pushover . . . who do we have than?
Amuro: I dunno, but I hear she is the meanest creature to ever rap a gavel.
Bailiff: The judge is in session, please report to the court room.
Amuro: Well looks like we better go.
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin.
Char: What the hell!? Friggin' Judge Judy!?
Judy: What did you just say?
Char: Ummm, nothing ma'am . . .
Judy: I'm watching you Mr. Aznable. I'm going to be on you like white on rice on a paper plate in a snow storm.
Amuro: (Under his breath) What the hell does that mean?
Judy: All right now let me get this straight you guys want to sue Mr. Aznable and Mr. Rayas well as others in the court including Mr. Yuy. Mr. Ran, and several others for several charges.
Denim: That is correct your honor.
Judy: And you Mr. Aznable are counter-suing based on punitive damages . . . for five dollars . . . is that correct?
Char: Yep.
Judy: Yep? You will speak properly in my court and address me as your honor. And five dollars? Are you trying to make a mockery of this court Mr. Aznable?
Char: Yep.
Judy: Do you see stupid written on my face?
Char: (Grabs a sharp pencil) Not yet.
Amuro: Stop!
Char: Awwww.
Judy: Now Mr . . . umm . . . Your last name isn't written here.
Denim: That's because none of us have one.
Judy: These charges your suing for, over 7000 charges of murder in the first degree, defamation of character, wrongful termination. These are some serious charges, can you validate them.
Denim: Yes your honor.
Judy: Now these 7,849 counts of murder, who died?
Denim: Us.
Judy: You look alive to me.
Denim: Well we all died in the show.
Judy: And what show is this?
Denim: . . .Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta Gundam, Char's Counterattack, Gundam W, Gundam X, Victory Gundam, among many others . . .
Judy: Hmm . . . I'll have to check it out. Court will take a recess and will meet again tomorrow.
Char: (Very confident) Man, we're kicking ass.
Amuro: We're doomed . . .
The next day . . .
Judy: After reviewing the selected material and levying the charges against Mr. Aznable and Mr. Ray, and then taking into account that I really don't like Mr. Aznable, the murder charges stand.
Char: Woohoo!
Amuro: You idiot! (Kicks Char in the shin)
Judy: Now these other charges, defamation of character. Do you have evidence to support this?
Denim: Yes your honor, as you could plainly see we were killed off early so we were never allowed to show our true skills. The audience just assumes we suck, but in truth we're better than them.
Char: Bull!
Judy: You're out of order Mr. Aznable!
Char: No that drink machine is out of order, it stole my dollar!
Judy: I'm the boss, applesauce! The charge stands.
Amuro: Damnit!
Judy: Now, wrongful termination?
Denim: Well, unable to cope with the fact that we were better than them, they killed us in the show and than bribed the director fire us.
Judy: Is this true?
Amuro: (Who has bound and gagged Char) No your honor, we were only following the script.
Judy: So your saying that these people were supposed to die in the show.
Amuro: Yes your honor.
Judy: Hmmm, this charge doesn't stand.
Amuro: Yes!
Judy: I will return with a verdict.
An hour later . . .
Judy: Taking into consideration that this was a cartoon I'm dropping all charges against Mr. Ray and Mr. Aznable and they are to be awarded $5.00. However all further Gundam productions by law can have no death in them.
Amuro: Strange verdict?
Char: Dude, I can't kill anyone?
In the judges chambers . . .
Judy: I did as instructed my dark master.
Judge Judy takes off her cloak and reveals herself as Lawyer Reducto . . .
An evil demonic figure appears in a puff of fire and brimstone. It's none other than . . .
President of Funimation: Excellent, my minion! Soon, Gundam will be mine!
Meanwhile . . .
Liquid Char: So, what did I miss?
Newtype Gerbil: Not much. So, where do we go from here?
Lawyer Reducto: Well . . . I will reprise my role as a lawyer!
Revolver Zero: Sounds reasonable.
Reducto: We're going into Phase 2 of the plan now . . . it is here that we finish off Gundam and bring it to Funimation! And whoever doesn't agree will feel the wrath of my shrink gun!
Liquid: Interesting. I here you're bringing in backup for this plan?
Gerbil: Here he is! The one and only . . .
The lights fade and then turn back on, in the background, a familiar tune begins playing.
Voice: "All right stop, Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly, Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know. Turn off the lights and I'll glow, To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!"
Vanilla Ice enters the seen trying to break-dance, but slips and lands on his head. He tries to play it off, gets up and continues singing.
Zero: Uh . . . uh huh. I guess I'll come along to just to make sure everything goes well . . . (Mumbling) Vanilla Ice, what the hell are these guys thinking? . . .
To Be Continued . . .