The G-Pub
Chapter 8: The End of BUTCHHOUND - Blurb 1
Yuu Kajima and Heero Yuy are sitting at a table just staring at each other. Amuro and Char are looking on, while the rest of the gang are doing what they do best.
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Amuro: What are they doing?
Char: Heero challenged Yuu to a 'Cold Stare of Death' contest. I got five big ones that say the pretty boy will blink first.
A knife flies by Char's head and sinks to the hilt into the wall. Char looks to the table to see Heero with one arm extended from the throw. He hadn't looked away.
Char: Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, if you want to place a bet, see you-know-who.
Amuro looks to the corner, where Paptimus is decked out in a card-dealer's outfit and cash stuffed into virtually every space imaginable.
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: (Blinks)
Scirroco: And it's YUU THE DOMINATOR, with a record 37 hours, 29 minutes and 5 seconds! Make all checks payable to Pappy's Escort Service". Failure to pay will earn the services of "Pappy's Enforcer Service", known for its excellent chiropractic program."
Heero (Stands up and raises his fist): (explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted), and your mother, too! . . . Mission failed . . .
Yuu: (Stands up) Thems fighting words where I come from!
Heero: I'll kill you. (Aims his gun)
Bright: Hey, hey, hey, no blood in the pub!
Heero: Who plans to stop me?
Scirroco: Boys! Take care of this one, aisle three!
Heero: Did you forget who the head of the Enforcer Service is?
Scirroco: I kind of figured that would work against me somehow . . .
Heero pulls back the lock, ready to fire.
Voice: I wouldn't do that, kid.
Heero: Hmm?
A man in a grey sneaking suit and a bandana on his head shows up.
Scirroco: Jesus Christ!
Heero: The great Solid Weasel?!
Weasel: Put the gun away kid, before I do it for you.
Heero puts away the gun. Not even he would try to rival Solid Weasel.
Char: Is he some sort of undercover soldier or something?
Amuro: Char, this is THE undercover soldier.
Char: Wait, I've seen tidbits of that video game. Isn't the name of the main character supposed to be Solid Sna-
Amuro: Ssh! Copyrights, man! Solid Weasel is from the parody of Metal Gear Solid called "RFU Gear Solid".
Char: I see . . . so, what do we owe this honor?
Weasel: Unit BUTCHHOUND is moving in, and they're two best men are moving in. One of them may plan to turn their back on the other and may be working for a group that has supreme control of the USA using the President and Congress as figureheads . . . known as the Patriots.
Char: The football team?
Weasel: Yes.
There's a short silence between the two.
Char: I was kidding.
Weasel: I'm not. We have no idea who they are, as they tend to change their lineup from time to time.
Char: Is that figurative speech?
Amuro: Whatever. Anyway, your help is appreciated. Take a seat, have a drink, it's on the house.
Weasel: I just need to stay here for a while. I'm on your side.
Char leaves. Weasel goes over to the bar to get a drink. Amuro, Camille and Scirroco are seated at a table, stooped over and muttering over some piece of machinery. Weasel grabs his beer and walks up to them.
Weasel: So, what's going on?
Amuro: You know how they have those goggles that let you see what it's like to be drunk?
Scirocco: Well, we decided to put all our mechanical skill together and make a pair that lets you see the world the way Char does!
Weasel: You mean the guy in the red over there? Isn't that filed under "Things Man Was Not Meant to Know"?
Camille: Come on, it's for science.
Weasel: . . . call it morbid curiosity, but I'll do it.
He dons the goggles and looks in some direction.
Yuu: Umm . . . those SEED girls aren't wearing sailor suits, are they?
Amuro: (Looks) Nope.
Weasel: Thought not.
He looks somewhere else and sees the most beautiful girl on Earth.
Weasel: Whoa, who's that hot . . .
He takes off the glasses and sees Tifa Adil.
Weasel: . . . THAT's disturbing.
He puts the glasses back on.
Voice: Excuse me.
He turns and sees a hideous witch, lurching forwards wielding a longsword.
Weasel: GYAAAA!
He draws his M9 tranq refined pistol and fires it at the witch and then takes the goggles off. He sees the tranq dart has hit Haman holding a pool cue in the chest.
Haman: What's eating you? I only . . . gwah . . .
The tranq puts her to sleep.
Weasel: Hope she doesn't wake up until I leave.
Amuro: So, you getting a nice feel for the warped world of the Ped Comet?
Weasel looks at Amuro and bursts into laughter.
Amuro: What's so damn funny?!
He takes the goggles and dons them. Looking in a mirror, he sees himself with horns and a stereotypical devil goatee.
Amuro: . . . He's so dead.
Elsewhere . . .
Liquid Char: It's time!
Revolver Zero: Time to put this plan into action!
Zero and Liquid look at a large structure in front of them. The laugh as this machine's eyes glow . . .
Back at the pub . . .
Weasel has gulped down his 20th beer. He's still sober.
Camille: Wow, how does he do it?
Weasel: Training, kid. These prescription drugs in my system won't let me go down, either.
Camille: Hey, can you explain something to me? Your story, RFU Gear Solid, takes place in the 21st Century, while our era takes place long after. How is it possible that you're here?
Weasel: Well, why is it that people from alternate universes are here?
Camille: It's a parody of a series. A character from G Gundam can talk to a character from Gundam X.
Weasel: Well, you remember in 0083, when they opened up the nuclear storage hold to get the nuke, but they weren't allowed to open it because of the Antarctic Treaty, but opened it anyway to further the story and put the nuke in the GP02A, but had no right making the GP02A at all because nukes were banned, and really, the GP02A had no purpose in war other than to be stolen by the Zeons?
Camille: Umm . . . yeah?
Weasel: It's just a huge ass plot hole.
Camille: Plot hole. Gotcha.
Suddenly, the roof is blown open. The all look at a large machine standing above them.
Amuro: Damn, this place doesn't have insurance, does it?
Two men come out of the machine.
Liquid: Prepare for trouble!
Zero: We're so sorry to burst your bubble!
Liquid: To rid anime of unification!
Zero: To butcher all anime is our dedication!
Liquid: To edit a series until its dead!
Zero: We'll make money off of it from DBZ to Vandread!
Liquid: Liquid!
Zero: Zero!
Liquid and Char: BUTCHHOUND blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Everyone in the pub looks up at the two with a giant sweat drop dropping down the back of their heads. Weasel aims his gun at them.
Weasel: Freeze! Hey, you're not Liquid Weasel . . .
Char looks at Liquid Char.
Char: Oh man, my twin.
Camille: Char has a twin? (Looks at Zechs, Lau Lu, among others, and then shrugs) Nevermind . . .
Amuro: It all makes sense now . . .
Emma: Char, you better do some explaining.
Liquid Char flips off of the giant robot.
Liquid: Brother! It is I, accompanied by Revolver Zero and Gundam Gear X!
All: Gundam Gear X?!
Liquid: Yes! A combination of two technologies from two totally different universes that has so much incompatible techno-babble that it's no wonder it took until the 8th Chapter to show it off!
Char: But brother, why are you here?
Liquid: You abandoned me! Yes, the old days, Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam was making its appearance on television and you had an important matter to attend to! You threw me in to play Quattro Bajina, making it a hit, but everyone thought I was you! And when Char's Counterattack showed its face, I didn't reap any benefits! I deserve some money over here!
Char: Well, I never knew you felt that way . . .
Liquid: Never knew?! I wrote complaints in day in and day out!
Char: Hmm . . . well . . .
Liquid: It's too late now. Now, with Gundam Gear X, we will nuke every existing good dub company, leaving Funimation on top!
Weasel: Damn, you don't get any more evil than that . . .
Zero: Actually, Liquid, I have no intention of helping you at all . . .
Liquid: What?!
Zero: I just needed to get you out here so I could steal the Gundam Gear X for my own purposes. As you can see, I work for the Titans, the Patriots, and the GnBS!
Scirroco: Hey, wait, how do you work fro the Titans? We've been defunct since who knows when.
Zero: Plot hole, man.
Scirroco: Oh.
Liquid: YOU TRAITOR!!!
Zero: Later!
Zero jumps into the GGX and fires many missile pods launching tons of missile pods.
Char: Oh, crap.
Amuro: Guys!
All other Newtypes: Right!
The Newtypes combine their powers, and deflect the missiles into all other directions, saving the pub from utter destruction.
Zero: Damn.
Amuro snaps his finger and looks into the air.
Amuro: Rise, Hi-Nu Gundam!
Domon (Sarcastic): Oh yeah, and us AU series rip off the UC series . . .
The Hi-Nu Gundam flies out of the ground. Its hand reaches out, grabs Amuro, and puts him inside of the cockpit.
Amuro: Let's go!
Zero: Take this!
The Gundam Gear X opens its mouth and firs a High Pressure Hydro Cannon. The Hi-Nu dodges the attack and pulls out its beam saber and impales the GGX. Amuro pulls it out and lifts the saber above his head, but the GGX dashes away before Amuro could go in for the kill.
Zero: You'll never defeat the La-li-lu-le-lo!
Amuro: The what?
Camille: I think he meant the Titans.
Weasel: No, the Patriots.
Amuro: Sorry, I don't play football.
The GGX staggers off. Back in the pub, everyone stares down Liquid Char. Weasel aims his gun.
Weasel: Freeze!
Liquid: You wish.
Camille: Char, he's your twin! Take him down!
Char: Hey, I'm not doing anything.
Liquid: Just like I thought! Always hiding behind any lawyer he can find!
Relena: I'll handle this!
The crowd cheers as Relena decides to enter the scene.
Relena: Take THIS!
Relena pulls out a Puru clone.
Liquid: Muhahaha! I'm a whole different game from Char, little missy!
Relena: Then eat this! BITCH-SLAP END!
Relena's palm flies forward, but Liquid catches it, and takes Relena hostage, running off with her.
Heero: HEY!
Weasel: No, wait, he's got a bomb!
Liquid: That's right! Now, if you're all smart, you'll give into my demands and blow up Sunrise!
Amuro: (Getting out of the Hi-Nu): Never!
Liquid: If that's your choice, it's your choice. But beware what might happen to the girl! Oh, and don't follow me, or else!
Liquid runs off, leaving the G-Pub group dumbfounded on how to win in this scenario.
To Be Continued . . .
Yuu Kajima and Heero Yuy are sitting at a table just staring at each other. Amuro and Char are looking on, while the rest of the gang are doing what they do best.
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Amuro: What are they doing?
Char: Heero challenged Yuu to a 'Cold Stare of Death' contest. I got five big ones that say the pretty boy will blink first.
A knife flies by Char's head and sinks to the hilt into the wall. Char looks to the table to see Heero with one arm extended from the throw. He hadn't looked away.
Char: Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, if you want to place a bet, see you-know-who.
Amuro looks to the corner, where Paptimus is decked out in a card-dealer's outfit and cash stuffed into virtually every space imaginable.
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: . . .
Yuu: . . .
Heero: (Blinks)
Scirroco: And it's YUU THE DOMINATOR, with a record 37 hours, 29 minutes and 5 seconds! Make all checks payable to Pappy's Escort Service". Failure to pay will earn the services of "Pappy's Enforcer Service", known for its excellent chiropractic program."
Heero (Stands up and raises his fist): (explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted), and your mother, too! . . . Mission failed . . .
Yuu: (Stands up) Thems fighting words where I come from!
Heero: I'll kill you. (Aims his gun)
Bright: Hey, hey, hey, no blood in the pub!
Heero: Who plans to stop me?
Scirroco: Boys! Take care of this one, aisle three!
Heero: Did you forget who the head of the Enforcer Service is?
Scirroco: I kind of figured that would work against me somehow . . .
Heero pulls back the lock, ready to fire.
Voice: I wouldn't do that, kid.
Heero: Hmm?
A man in a grey sneaking suit and a bandana on his head shows up.
Scirroco: Jesus Christ!
Heero: The great Solid Weasel?!
Weasel: Put the gun away kid, before I do it for you.
Heero puts away the gun. Not even he would try to rival Solid Weasel.
Char: Is he some sort of undercover soldier or something?
Amuro: Char, this is THE undercover soldier.
Char: Wait, I've seen tidbits of that video game. Isn't the name of the main character supposed to be Solid Sna-
Amuro: Ssh! Copyrights, man! Solid Weasel is from the parody of Metal Gear Solid called "RFU Gear Solid".
Char: I see . . . so, what do we owe this honor?
Weasel: Unit BUTCHHOUND is moving in, and they're two best men are moving in. One of them may plan to turn their back on the other and may be working for a group that has supreme control of the USA using the President and Congress as figureheads . . . known as the Patriots.
Char: The football team?
Weasel: Yes.
There's a short silence between the two.
Char: I was kidding.
Weasel: I'm not. We have no idea who they are, as they tend to change their lineup from time to time.
Char: Is that figurative speech?
Amuro: Whatever. Anyway, your help is appreciated. Take a seat, have a drink, it's on the house.
Weasel: I just need to stay here for a while. I'm on your side.
Char leaves. Weasel goes over to the bar to get a drink. Amuro, Camille and Scirroco are seated at a table, stooped over and muttering over some piece of machinery. Weasel grabs his beer and walks up to them.
Weasel: So, what's going on?
Amuro: You know how they have those goggles that let you see what it's like to be drunk?
Scirocco: Well, we decided to put all our mechanical skill together and make a pair that lets you see the world the way Char does!
Weasel: You mean the guy in the red over there? Isn't that filed under "Things Man Was Not Meant to Know"?
Camille: Come on, it's for science.
Weasel: . . . call it morbid curiosity, but I'll do it.
He dons the goggles and looks in some direction.
Yuu: Umm . . . those SEED girls aren't wearing sailor suits, are they?
Amuro: (Looks) Nope.
Weasel: Thought not.
He looks somewhere else and sees the most beautiful girl on Earth.
Weasel: Whoa, who's that hot . . .
He takes off the glasses and sees Tifa Adil.
Weasel: . . . THAT's disturbing.
He puts the glasses back on.
Voice: Excuse me.
He turns and sees a hideous witch, lurching forwards wielding a longsword.
Weasel: GYAAAA!
He draws his M9 tranq refined pistol and fires it at the witch and then takes the goggles off. He sees the tranq dart has hit Haman holding a pool cue in the chest.
Haman: What's eating you? I only . . . gwah . . .
The tranq puts her to sleep.
Weasel: Hope she doesn't wake up until I leave.
Amuro: So, you getting a nice feel for the warped world of the Ped Comet?
Weasel looks at Amuro and bursts into laughter.
Amuro: What's so damn funny?!
He takes the goggles and dons them. Looking in a mirror, he sees himself with horns and a stereotypical devil goatee.
Amuro: . . . He's so dead.
Elsewhere . . .
Liquid Char: It's time!
Revolver Zero: Time to put this plan into action!
Zero and Liquid look at a large structure in front of them. The laugh as this machine's eyes glow . . .
Back at the pub . . .
Weasel has gulped down his 20th beer. He's still sober.
Camille: Wow, how does he do it?
Weasel: Training, kid. These prescription drugs in my system won't let me go down, either.
Camille: Hey, can you explain something to me? Your story, RFU Gear Solid, takes place in the 21st Century, while our era takes place long after. How is it possible that you're here?
Weasel: Well, why is it that people from alternate universes are here?
Camille: It's a parody of a series. A character from G Gundam can talk to a character from Gundam X.
Weasel: Well, you remember in 0083, when they opened up the nuclear storage hold to get the nuke, but they weren't allowed to open it because of the Antarctic Treaty, but opened it anyway to further the story and put the nuke in the GP02A, but had no right making the GP02A at all because nukes were banned, and really, the GP02A had no purpose in war other than to be stolen by the Zeons?
Camille: Umm . . . yeah?
Weasel: It's just a huge ass plot hole.
Camille: Plot hole. Gotcha.
Suddenly, the roof is blown open. The all look at a large machine standing above them.
Amuro: Damn, this place doesn't have insurance, does it?
Two men come out of the machine.
Liquid: Prepare for trouble!
Zero: We're so sorry to burst your bubble!
Liquid: To rid anime of unification!
Zero: To butcher all anime is our dedication!
Liquid: To edit a series until its dead!
Zero: We'll make money off of it from DBZ to Vandread!
Liquid: Liquid!
Zero: Zero!
Liquid and Char: BUTCHHOUND blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Everyone in the pub looks up at the two with a giant sweat drop dropping down the back of their heads. Weasel aims his gun at them.
Weasel: Freeze! Hey, you're not Liquid Weasel . . .
Char looks at Liquid Char.
Char: Oh man, my twin.
Camille: Char has a twin? (Looks at Zechs, Lau Lu, among others, and then shrugs) Nevermind . . .
Amuro: It all makes sense now . . .
Emma: Char, you better do some explaining.
Liquid Char flips off of the giant robot.
Liquid: Brother! It is I, accompanied by Revolver Zero and Gundam Gear X!
All: Gundam Gear X?!
Liquid: Yes! A combination of two technologies from two totally different universes that has so much incompatible techno-babble that it's no wonder it took until the 8th Chapter to show it off!
Char: But brother, why are you here?
Liquid: You abandoned me! Yes, the old days, Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam was making its appearance on television and you had an important matter to attend to! You threw me in to play Quattro Bajina, making it a hit, but everyone thought I was you! And when Char's Counterattack showed its face, I didn't reap any benefits! I deserve some money over here!
Char: Well, I never knew you felt that way . . .
Liquid: Never knew?! I wrote complaints in day in and day out!
Char: Hmm . . . well . . .
Liquid: It's too late now. Now, with Gundam Gear X, we will nuke every existing good dub company, leaving Funimation on top!
Weasel: Damn, you don't get any more evil than that . . .
Zero: Actually, Liquid, I have no intention of helping you at all . . .
Liquid: What?!
Zero: I just needed to get you out here so I could steal the Gundam Gear X for my own purposes. As you can see, I work for the Titans, the Patriots, and the GnBS!
Scirroco: Hey, wait, how do you work fro the Titans? We've been defunct since who knows when.
Zero: Plot hole, man.
Scirroco: Oh.
Liquid: YOU TRAITOR!!!
Zero: Later!
Zero jumps into the GGX and fires many missile pods launching tons of missile pods.
Char: Oh, crap.
Amuro: Guys!
All other Newtypes: Right!
The Newtypes combine their powers, and deflect the missiles into all other directions, saving the pub from utter destruction.
Zero: Damn.
Amuro snaps his finger and looks into the air.
Amuro: Rise, Hi-Nu Gundam!
Domon (Sarcastic): Oh yeah, and us AU series rip off the UC series . . .
The Hi-Nu Gundam flies out of the ground. Its hand reaches out, grabs Amuro, and puts him inside of the cockpit.
Amuro: Let's go!
Zero: Take this!
The Gundam Gear X opens its mouth and firs a High Pressure Hydro Cannon. The Hi-Nu dodges the attack and pulls out its beam saber and impales the GGX. Amuro pulls it out and lifts the saber above his head, but the GGX dashes away before Amuro could go in for the kill.
Zero: You'll never defeat the La-li-lu-le-lo!
Amuro: The what?
Camille: I think he meant the Titans.
Weasel: No, the Patriots.
Amuro: Sorry, I don't play football.
The GGX staggers off. Back in the pub, everyone stares down Liquid Char. Weasel aims his gun.
Weasel: Freeze!
Liquid: You wish.
Camille: Char, he's your twin! Take him down!
Char: Hey, I'm not doing anything.
Liquid: Just like I thought! Always hiding behind any lawyer he can find!
Relena: I'll handle this!
The crowd cheers as Relena decides to enter the scene.
Relena: Take THIS!
Relena pulls out a Puru clone.
Liquid: Muhahaha! I'm a whole different game from Char, little missy!
Relena: Then eat this! BITCH-SLAP END!
Relena's palm flies forward, but Liquid catches it, and takes Relena hostage, running off with her.
Heero: HEY!
Weasel: No, wait, he's got a bomb!
Liquid: That's right! Now, if you're all smart, you'll give into my demands and blow up Sunrise!
Amuro: (Getting out of the Hi-Nu): Never!
Liquid: If that's your choice, it's your choice. But beware what might happen to the girl! Oh, and don't follow me, or else!
Liquid runs off, leaving the G-Pub group dumbfounded on how to win in this scenario.
To Be Continued . . .