The Fellowship of Quinn.
Part V:
The Fellowship of Quinn.
EXT. PATION SECTION OF THE CASA LANE – MORNING
Several delegates of the people of Lawndale Earth are sitting in
a circle: Brittany, Daria, DeMartino, Jane, Jodie, Kevin, Quinn are among
them. This council is under the supervision of Amanda.
AMANDA:
The ring has been found. This peril belongs to all whole Lawndale Earth.
I have summoned this council to answer the threat of Ms. Li.
Bring forth the Ring Quinn.
Quinn places the Ring on a table.
All gasp.
COUNCIL MEMBER ROBERT VOICE OVER:
The One Ring!
COUNCIL MEMBER KAREN VOICE OVER:
The doom of men!
BRITTANY:
Eep!
JODIE: (smiles)
Yes!
It is a gift!
Not like that gift my father bought himself after hitting the big figures
with his folding cup.
No, it is a gift to the foes of Ms. Li!
Why not use this ring? Long has my father, the Fundraiser of the College,
kept the forces of Principle Li at bay.
By the blood of *OUR* people are your lands kept safe!
All stare at her, after she spoken out the last sentence.
JODIE: (to the readers)
Yes I know.
The role of Tolkien's Boromir played by an Afro-American, gives the
text a new intriguing metaphor.
DARIA: (to the readers)
Actually we can refer this, as a mild form of Blaxploitation in the
fantasy genre.
JODIE: (back to the council)
Give Landon the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against her!
DARIA:
You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Ms. Li
alone. It has no other master.
JODIE:
And what would a mere Ranger know of this matter?
JANE:
This is no mere Ranger! This is Daria, Daughter of Barksdale. You owe
her your allegiance…
DARIA: (modest)
Yes, thank you Jane.
JANE:
… by overthrowing the monarchy and form an anarcho-syndicalist commune.
Viva la revolution!
DARIA:
Hey. Shut up, or I will show you how violence inherent the system.
JANE:
Destroy that self-perpetuating autocracy which represses the working
classes!
DARIA:
Working classes? When did you ever belong to a working class?
JODIE: (interrupting)
As Jane said: The College has no king, and the College needs no queen.
BRITTANY:
No King or Queen? Then how do you play then chess?
JANE: (astonish)
You know chess?
AMANDA:
Daria is right, it cannot be used. There is only one choice. The Ring
must be destroyed.
BRITTANY: (to Kevin)
Well what we are waiting for? My little Kevy-whammy?
KEVIN:
Okey-dokey, Babe!
He stands up and puts on his football helmed. He strikes the ring
on the table with his head.
But the helmet breaks apart and Kevin lies on the floor.
AMANDA:
The Ring cannot be destroyed, Brittany, daughter of Taylor, by any
craft that we here possess.
BRITTANY:
Are you sure?
JANE:
Uhm, no. I think Kevin should try it again.
KEVIN:
Okey-dokey.
He stands up and put on an other football helmed. And strikes the
ring again with his head.
As before the helmets breaks apart and Kevin lies on the floor again.
JANE:
Three times lucky?
Before Kevin tries to stand up again. Amanda interrupts.
AMANDA:
The Ring was made in the fires of the Great Strawberry Volcano. Only
there can it be unmade. It must be cast back deep into the fiery chasm
from whence it came. One of you must do this.
JODIE:
One does not simply walk into Ms Li realms. Its black gates are guarded
by more than just surveillance-cameras. There is evil there that does not
sleep, and a satellite uplink is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland,
riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous
fume.
DARIA: (deadpan)
Sounds like a place for my holidays.
JODIE: (adding)
Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.
JANE:
And yet Bush has invaded Iraq…
I mean, we just have to form a commando, go there, throw it into the
Volcano and everything is cock-a-hoop again. So, let's get packing.
BRITTANY:
And you think you are the one who will do that!
I will be seen in flared trousers, before I see the Ring in the hands
of a Lane!
Never trust a Lane, I have dated once one!
JANE:
Excuse me, but even Lanes have *standards*.
The whole council stand up and start to argue with each other.
DEMARTINO:
While you start bickering around, Ms Li power grows.
COUNCIL MEMBER ROBERT:
No one can escape!
COUNCIL MEMBER KAREN:
Everything gets destroyed!
BRITTANY: (to Kevin)
I mean, I have dated a Lane *before* I met you Kevy.
Quinn stand up.
QUINN: (shouts)
I WILL TAKE THE RING!
All shut up and look at her.
QUINN:
I have got this idea: We put it in an envelope. And send the Ring with
Fed-Ex to the volcano and ask him if he can throw it in.
DARIA: (suffering from the naivety)
I have got a better idea. You can send yourself direct into the volcano.
AMANDA:
No wait, this Fashion Clubber shows a resilience to its evil.
DARIA:
Great deal! This Fashion Clubber shows even a resilience to common
sense.
DEMARTINO:
That is why she is the RING-BEARER!
QUINN! I will help you bear this burden, as long it is yours to bear.
QUINN: (confused)
Teddy bear?
DARIA:
By my life and your death, I will protect myself on this task. You
have my sword…
JANE:
Yo… and you can carry my bow and my CD-collection.
BRITTANY:
…And my shiny dingy.
JODIE:
Axe.
BRITTANY:
But isn't that a deodorant for men?
QUINN:
Hey can I have that cute bunny backpack of yours?
BRITTANY:
Uhm, no! Fluffy stays with me.
JODIE:
You carry the fate of us all little one.
QUINN: (protesting)
I am not little. I am 16 a half.
STACY: (shouts)
Hey! Quinn is not going anywhere without us.
Stacy, Tiffany and Sandi walk into the council.
SANDI
Excuse me Stacy, but you mean: Quinn is not going anywhere without
*you*.
TIFFANY:
Wheeeeeere are they going?
STACY:
But Sandi, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... assignment,
expedition, journey, trip, operation, task, job, chore, duty, pursuit,
goal, aim, quest, search, hunt, adventure, voyage, trek, travel, odyssey,
venture, crusade, mission... quest... thing.
SANDI: (flattered)
People of intelligence? Well then, that rules me in … and of course
Tiffany.
TIFFANY:
Great! Wheeeeeere are we going?
AMANDA:
…6,7,8,9 companions!
Then so be it! Together you form the Fellowship of the Quinn.
DARIA:
The Fellowship of Quinn? With Fashion Clubbers? We are doomed! You
can rule me out.
JANE:
Come on Daria, you have always had a weakness for lost causes, once
they are really lost.
DARIA:
You have spoken well: Rhett Butler.
JANE:
That is why you have chosen Trent.
DARIA:
Shut up!
JANE:
Why so moody? Didn't he visit you last night?
DARIA: (highly embarrassed)
… Go to hell Jane! Go to hell!
SOME DAYS LATER
EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – HILL - DAY
The landscape of course doesn't look like Tolkien's Middle Earth
but like Peter Jackson's New Zealand.
Heroically the Fellowship climbs a hill.
Lead by DeMartino the Grey, Jane the Lane, Brittany the Cheerleader,
the Fashion Club, a pony named Bill and Jodie, president of the French
Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook and member
of the tennis team.
They are followed by Daria, daughter of Barksdale. Who is behind
and glaring at them.
DARIA: (mutters angrily)
Maybe, if I hand you guys over to Ms. Li, she will spare me.
(evil smirk)
MOVE IT, SUCKERS!
JODIE:
What did you say?
DARIA:
Only daydreaming.
SOME DAYS LATER
EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – SNOWY MOUNTAIN - DAY
Quinn slips on ice, falls and loses the Ring.
JODIE: (holding the ring Quinn has lost, slightly manic she looks
at it)
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over
so small a thing. Such a little thing.
QUINN:
For your information, Claude said that my bosom is perfect.
JODIE: (like waking up from a trance)
Quinn, I was talking about the ring.
QUINN:
Oh sorry. Ehem, just forget what I said.
Daria joins Jodie.
DARIA:
Didn't you meant her brain?
Quinn gets up. While Daria and Jodie smirk.
SOME DAYS LATER
EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – VALLEY - EVENING
The Fellowship is walking parallel to a river. Note that Bill the
pony is no more with them.
STACY:
By the way, what happened to the pony Bill that we had in the beginning
of our journey?
JANE:
Pony Bill? Well, what do you think we have been eating for the last
four days?
THE WHOLE FASHION CLUB PLUS BRITTANY: (turning pale)
EWWWWWW!
JODIE:
Sorry, but we ran out of supplies.
JANE:
Don't take it so hard.
DARIA:
And wishing won't make him come back.
The whole Fashion Club plus Brittany get very sick and run off into the bushes.
DEMARTINO:
Well, I won't be so SURE about that.
DARIA:
Well at least, we wont have any stupid Pony Bill spin-offs fanfiction
like in the real Lord of the Rings.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
PONY BILL IS FINE.
HE AND OTHER ANIMALS WEREN'T HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FANFICTION.
…
(EXCEPT BEAVIS)