Chapter 11: And The New Arc Begins . . .
Well, it was a typical day in the Pub when all of a sudden . . .
TV Reporter: . . . And today the UN passed a law making people accountable for stupidity. In other words, being an idiot is a prosecutable offense.
All the guys look at each other.
Duo: Does that mean . . .
Camille: . . . What we think it means?
Reporter: Yes, it means you can sue people for being morons.
A host of angels appears and sings "Hallelujah". With a Powerpuff Girls- style flying background, several characters "fly" by holding subpoenas.
Camille: I can sue those losers who say Zeta's derivative of Macross!
Duo: I can sue those freaks who make me a girl in fanfiction!
Domon: I can sue people for excessively paralleling me and Goku!
Loran: I can sue the writers who made me wear dresses in Turn-A!
Everyone else stops and looks at Loran strangely.
Loran: What, you thought I wore those because I wanted to?
Time Lapse. After about a month, the casts of all the shows have filed and won lawsuits against everything under the sun. The Pub is all decked out with new furnishings, and all the guys are carrying Huge Sacks O' Dough. The girls are absent.
Judau: So where are the women, anyway?
Amuro: They're filing their suit against those writers for that mud wrestling thing. (Rolls his eyes) "G"-String Wrestling my foot.
Char jumps up onto the bar and shouts for everyone's attention.
Char: I'm sure you're all aware that anti-stupid lawsuits have gotten us lots of money. But honestly, have they accomplished anything major? We may have solved a few personal issues, but I believe that together we can strike a blow for all decent anime. Now, as you're all aware, the alternate universes have done well in the US, but the original series suffered from the dual problems of dated animation and the unfortunate events of that September. It is my belief that there is one entity we can blame for inspiring the nation's children to have short attention spans and not thinking of mecha series as serious shows. Now is the time to strike a blow for our trampled rights.
Garrod: Are you saying we should sue Cartoon Network?
Char: No, they're the ones trying to help us out here in exchange for Big Sacks O' Dough, and hell, I don't blame them. But, I believe you're all familiar with our common enemies' works . . .
All: You mean . . .
Char: Yes!
Cut to a pristine building in California. We see a group of writers gathered around a meeting table.
Head Writer: Let's see . . . we've done cars, space, and wild animals. How about powerboats?
The other writers show their agreement. Getting a good look at the building's exterior, we see a sign that reads "Saban - Home of the Power Rangers".
In the courtroom the next day, there's a nice large crowd on the Gundam side of the gallery, including a few people who aren't from Gundam at all. Meanwhile the Saban section is looking a little . . . thin. Char, in a snazzy suit, is consulting with Amuro, who's in the gallery.
Char: Who knew this lawsuit would get so much support? I mean, almost every serious mecha anime from the 70's, 80's and 90's on has sent a representative. I'm even co-prosecuting with a couple of them.
He points at the table, where a similarly snazzy Maximillian Jenius and Misato Katsuragi are organizing some papers. At the same time, Haruko is playing her guitar and Cosmo Yuuki is talking to a few of the representatives.
Amuro: Well, you've got a good case. I mean, how in hell is Saban going to fight back?
The judge clears his throat.
Judge: Will the prosecution please present its case?
Char: Yes, your Honor. For twenty years, the brainchild of one Tomino Yoshiyuki has contributed immeasurably to the science fiction culture of Japan and the world. Gundam has inspired almost all of the "Real Robot" anime which sprang up in the Nineteen Eighties, Ninties, and even now in the 21st Century. And yet, when this classic and groundbreaking show came to the United States, it was ill-received . . .
Why? Because almost a decade earlier, Saban Entertainment brought over a live-action Super Robot show under the moniker "Power Rangers." By depicting giant, humanoid battle machines as cheesy cardboard costumed cretins, this show lowered the intelligence of America's youth to the point where they couldn't tolerate anything with five seconds of plot.
This trend continues as that generation becomes teenagers and Hollywood pitches vapid, pointless movies like "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." Our case is to strike a blow for the thinking American who doesn't need to be distracted by big explosions every five seconds. It is our sincere hope that by removing this purile garbage from the airwaves, our children will actually learn how to enjoy deep plots rather than vapid and visceral media such as that. Thank you.
Char sits and takes a long sip from a glass of water. The anime audience cheers and applauds his speech, but quiets down when the judge bangs his gavel.
Judau: So . . . anyone actually understand one word he said?
Garrod: It would've been so much easier if he didn't use those big words . . .
Amuro: Well, it got our point across that anime needs plot and not all action . . .
Judge: Now, we shall hear the Defense's case.
The defense lawyer stands, flips through a large sheet of paper, and stops at one section.
Defense: I know you are, but what am I?
Everyone Else: . . .
Defense: I'm made of rubber, you're . . .
Judge: (Bangs his gavel) Counselor, your case is going to have to be more than childish taunts if you expect to win.
The attorney flips through some pages. Then some more. After going through the whole document, he nods to his fellow lawyers, and they dash out the door. Everyone else facefaults.
Judge: . . . this is highly unusual. In light of the lack of defense, I rule in favor of the prosecution. The defendant shall pay fifty Big Sacks O' Dough in damages. Case closed. (Bangs his gavel again)
Everyone jumps up and cheers. A few days later, they're back at the G-Pub with their new friends.
Char: (Wearing a suit made entirely out of $100 bills) Well, we won. But I just don't feel like celebrating.
Camille: You struck that blow for thinking minds and got all sentai shows banned. THAT'S not cause for celebration?
Char: . . . yeah, but something's missing.
Judau: Wait, I know what'll cheer you up.
He points over to another side of the bar, where Kou and Nina are holding hands.
Kou: I love you, Nina.
Nina: I love you too, Kou.
Camille: (hands Char the remote control for the Bugs) Better?
Char: (With a devilish grin) Much.
Amuro: Hey, we've got over a few million dollars left over. What'll we do with it?
Camille: Food!
Scirroco: Investments!
Char: Child porn!
Everyone looks at Char.
Char: Hey, I had to try.
Scirroco: How's about Mobile Suit simulations installed?
Amuro: Hmm . . . not a bad idea. We'll try to get some going.
A few days past. In a rare occurrence, the action today is NOT in the bar. In a forest east of Odessa, three MS stomp around, searching for their enemies.
Amuro: (In black-colored Gundam Alex) Anything yet?
Char: (In crimson Gundam) No, it's really suspicious.
Shiro: (In Ez8) I don't like this. How are the others doing?
Amuro: I'll check. (Presses a button on his comms panel) A Team to Z Team, what's your status?
In another part of the forest are Gato with a beam-bazooka-equipped GP02A, Scirocco in a GM Quell, and Bernie in a GM Command.
Scirocco: Z Team, nothing here.
Amuro: How about you, W Team?
The "W" team consisted of Heero in Blue Destiny 1, Camille in the GP01Fb, and Judau in the Full Armor Gundam.
Heero: W Team, a whole lotta' . . . wait, what's that?
Judau: Looks like a Gouf . . .
A streak of blue flashes by, and suddenly the FA Gundam is in pieces. As the other guys turn to fight the enemy, they're taken down by a beam saber and beam gun shots respectively.
Char: (As static comes over the comm system) Dammit! They got W Team!
Shiro: Perfect . . . how's Z Team holding out?
Gato: I see them! Take THIS!
He fires a blast from his beam bazooka, only to watch it dissipate against a barrier of force.
Gato: What the . . . oh no!
A BIG mega particle burst manages to finish off Z Team. At this point, A Team is getting panicky.
Char: How many of them are there?
Shiro: Nine, coming from all directions! Heads up!
Amuro: . . .Oh crap . ..
Out of the forest come a Gelgoog Ground, Z'Gok, Efreet Custom, Zaku Psycommu Type, Acguy, Kaempher, Dom Tropen, Hy-Gogg, and the Apsaras II.
A/C/S: Mommy . . .
GAME OVER. The guys step out of the simulation machines, very dejected.
Camille: They won again! I don't believe it!
Bernie: I don't know why we even bother.
Christina: Maybe because you're suckers for punishment?
Out of the other side's machines step Elpe Puru, Haman, Four, Aina, Sayla, Rosamia, Relena, Rain, and Christina.
Rain: Wow, five in a row. You guys sure suck!
Four: No, we're just that good!
The girls proceed to victory dance, chanting "We Bad! We Bad!" The guys let out frustrated sighs.
Amuro: I just can't stay mad at them.
Heero: Why not?
Amuro: The skintight pilot suits.
Heero: Oh yeah . . .
The guys start ogling, but the girls notice and get out their beam mallets.
Scirocco: BEAM mallets?! That's unfair!
Domon: Well, I always wanted to travel.
*WHAM!*
A little later . . .
The guys step out of the machines, once again, are in vain.
Four: Man, you guys really suck.
Sayla: You're all really pathetic.
Char: Amuro, I'm getting really tired of this. We keep getting beat up by a bunch of girls! I told you we should've invested in porn!
Relena takes her beam mallet and smack Char.
Relena: That's what you get for looking down on us!
Char: Oww . . .
Camille: We want rematches!
Other Guys: Yeah!
Relena: You want more? Fine. Bring it.
To Be Continued . . .
Well, it was a typical day in the Pub when all of a sudden . . .
TV Reporter: . . . And today the UN passed a law making people accountable for stupidity. In other words, being an idiot is a prosecutable offense.
All the guys look at each other.
Duo: Does that mean . . .
Camille: . . . What we think it means?
Reporter: Yes, it means you can sue people for being morons.
A host of angels appears and sings "Hallelujah". With a Powerpuff Girls- style flying background, several characters "fly" by holding subpoenas.
Camille: I can sue those losers who say Zeta's derivative of Macross!
Duo: I can sue those freaks who make me a girl in fanfiction!
Domon: I can sue people for excessively paralleling me and Goku!
Loran: I can sue the writers who made me wear dresses in Turn-A!
Everyone else stops and looks at Loran strangely.
Loran: What, you thought I wore those because I wanted to?
Time Lapse. After about a month, the casts of all the shows have filed and won lawsuits against everything under the sun. The Pub is all decked out with new furnishings, and all the guys are carrying Huge Sacks O' Dough. The girls are absent.
Judau: So where are the women, anyway?
Amuro: They're filing their suit against those writers for that mud wrestling thing. (Rolls his eyes) "G"-String Wrestling my foot.
Char jumps up onto the bar and shouts for everyone's attention.
Char: I'm sure you're all aware that anti-stupid lawsuits have gotten us lots of money. But honestly, have they accomplished anything major? We may have solved a few personal issues, but I believe that together we can strike a blow for all decent anime. Now, as you're all aware, the alternate universes have done well in the US, but the original series suffered from the dual problems of dated animation and the unfortunate events of that September. It is my belief that there is one entity we can blame for inspiring the nation's children to have short attention spans and not thinking of mecha series as serious shows. Now is the time to strike a blow for our trampled rights.
Garrod: Are you saying we should sue Cartoon Network?
Char: No, they're the ones trying to help us out here in exchange for Big Sacks O' Dough, and hell, I don't blame them. But, I believe you're all familiar with our common enemies' works . . .
All: You mean . . .
Char: Yes!
Cut to a pristine building in California. We see a group of writers gathered around a meeting table.
Head Writer: Let's see . . . we've done cars, space, and wild animals. How about powerboats?
The other writers show their agreement. Getting a good look at the building's exterior, we see a sign that reads "Saban - Home of the Power Rangers".
In the courtroom the next day, there's a nice large crowd on the Gundam side of the gallery, including a few people who aren't from Gundam at all. Meanwhile the Saban section is looking a little . . . thin. Char, in a snazzy suit, is consulting with Amuro, who's in the gallery.
Char: Who knew this lawsuit would get so much support? I mean, almost every serious mecha anime from the 70's, 80's and 90's on has sent a representative. I'm even co-prosecuting with a couple of them.
He points at the table, where a similarly snazzy Maximillian Jenius and Misato Katsuragi are organizing some papers. At the same time, Haruko is playing her guitar and Cosmo Yuuki is talking to a few of the representatives.
Amuro: Well, you've got a good case. I mean, how in hell is Saban going to fight back?
The judge clears his throat.
Judge: Will the prosecution please present its case?
Char: Yes, your Honor. For twenty years, the brainchild of one Tomino Yoshiyuki has contributed immeasurably to the science fiction culture of Japan and the world. Gundam has inspired almost all of the "Real Robot" anime which sprang up in the Nineteen Eighties, Ninties, and even now in the 21st Century. And yet, when this classic and groundbreaking show came to the United States, it was ill-received . . .
Why? Because almost a decade earlier, Saban Entertainment brought over a live-action Super Robot show under the moniker "Power Rangers." By depicting giant, humanoid battle machines as cheesy cardboard costumed cretins, this show lowered the intelligence of America's youth to the point where they couldn't tolerate anything with five seconds of plot.
This trend continues as that generation becomes teenagers and Hollywood pitches vapid, pointless movies like "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." Our case is to strike a blow for the thinking American who doesn't need to be distracted by big explosions every five seconds. It is our sincere hope that by removing this purile garbage from the airwaves, our children will actually learn how to enjoy deep plots rather than vapid and visceral media such as that. Thank you.
Char sits and takes a long sip from a glass of water. The anime audience cheers and applauds his speech, but quiets down when the judge bangs his gavel.
Judau: So . . . anyone actually understand one word he said?
Garrod: It would've been so much easier if he didn't use those big words . . .
Amuro: Well, it got our point across that anime needs plot and not all action . . .
Judge: Now, we shall hear the Defense's case.
The defense lawyer stands, flips through a large sheet of paper, and stops at one section.
Defense: I know you are, but what am I?
Everyone Else: . . .
Defense: I'm made of rubber, you're . . .
Judge: (Bangs his gavel) Counselor, your case is going to have to be more than childish taunts if you expect to win.
The attorney flips through some pages. Then some more. After going through the whole document, he nods to his fellow lawyers, and they dash out the door. Everyone else facefaults.
Judge: . . . this is highly unusual. In light of the lack of defense, I rule in favor of the prosecution. The defendant shall pay fifty Big Sacks O' Dough in damages. Case closed. (Bangs his gavel again)
Everyone jumps up and cheers. A few days later, they're back at the G-Pub with their new friends.
Char: (Wearing a suit made entirely out of $100 bills) Well, we won. But I just don't feel like celebrating.
Camille: You struck that blow for thinking minds and got all sentai shows banned. THAT'S not cause for celebration?
Char: . . . yeah, but something's missing.
Judau: Wait, I know what'll cheer you up.
He points over to another side of the bar, where Kou and Nina are holding hands.
Kou: I love you, Nina.
Nina: I love you too, Kou.
Camille: (hands Char the remote control for the Bugs) Better?
Char: (With a devilish grin) Much.
Amuro: Hey, we've got over a few million dollars left over. What'll we do with it?
Camille: Food!
Scirroco: Investments!
Char: Child porn!
Everyone looks at Char.
Char: Hey, I had to try.
Scirroco: How's about Mobile Suit simulations installed?
Amuro: Hmm . . . not a bad idea. We'll try to get some going.
A few days past. In a rare occurrence, the action today is NOT in the bar. In a forest east of Odessa, three MS stomp around, searching for their enemies.
Amuro: (In black-colored Gundam Alex) Anything yet?
Char: (In crimson Gundam) No, it's really suspicious.
Shiro: (In Ez8) I don't like this. How are the others doing?
Amuro: I'll check. (Presses a button on his comms panel) A Team to Z Team, what's your status?
In another part of the forest are Gato with a beam-bazooka-equipped GP02A, Scirocco in a GM Quell, and Bernie in a GM Command.
Scirocco: Z Team, nothing here.
Amuro: How about you, W Team?
The "W" team consisted of Heero in Blue Destiny 1, Camille in the GP01Fb, and Judau in the Full Armor Gundam.
Heero: W Team, a whole lotta' . . . wait, what's that?
Judau: Looks like a Gouf . . .
A streak of blue flashes by, and suddenly the FA Gundam is in pieces. As the other guys turn to fight the enemy, they're taken down by a beam saber and beam gun shots respectively.
Char: (As static comes over the comm system) Dammit! They got W Team!
Shiro: Perfect . . . how's Z Team holding out?
Gato: I see them! Take THIS!
He fires a blast from his beam bazooka, only to watch it dissipate against a barrier of force.
Gato: What the . . . oh no!
A BIG mega particle burst manages to finish off Z Team. At this point, A Team is getting panicky.
Char: How many of them are there?
Shiro: Nine, coming from all directions! Heads up!
Amuro: . . .Oh crap . ..
Out of the forest come a Gelgoog Ground, Z'Gok, Efreet Custom, Zaku Psycommu Type, Acguy, Kaempher, Dom Tropen, Hy-Gogg, and the Apsaras II.
A/C/S: Mommy . . .
GAME OVER. The guys step out of the simulation machines, very dejected.
Camille: They won again! I don't believe it!
Bernie: I don't know why we even bother.
Christina: Maybe because you're suckers for punishment?
Out of the other side's machines step Elpe Puru, Haman, Four, Aina, Sayla, Rosamia, Relena, Rain, and Christina.
Rain: Wow, five in a row. You guys sure suck!
Four: No, we're just that good!
The girls proceed to victory dance, chanting "We Bad! We Bad!" The guys let out frustrated sighs.
Amuro: I just can't stay mad at them.
Heero: Why not?
Amuro: The skintight pilot suits.
Heero: Oh yeah . . .
The guys start ogling, but the girls notice and get out their beam mallets.
Scirocco: BEAM mallets?! That's unfair!
Domon: Well, I always wanted to travel.
*WHAM!*
A little later . . .
The guys step out of the machines, once again, are in vain.
Four: Man, you guys really suck.
Sayla: You're all really pathetic.
Char: Amuro, I'm getting really tired of this. We keep getting beat up by a bunch of girls! I told you we should've invested in porn!
Relena takes her beam mallet and smack Char.
Relena: That's what you get for looking down on us!
Char: Oww . . .
Camille: We want rematches!
Other Guys: Yeah!
Relena: You want more? Fine. Bring it.
To Be Continued . . .