The Fellowship of Quinn.
Part VI:
In the Caves of the Great Football Stadium.
SOME DAYS LATER
INT. CAVES OF THE GREAT FOOTBALLSTADIUM
The Fellowship is walking through the deserted halls.
BRITTANY:
Behold the great realm and city of the Lawndale Lions. Soon, you
will enjoy our fabled hospitality!
Roaring music, malt beer, pizza from the box!
DARIA:
Brittany, you are reading too much Shakespeare.
JODIE:
Something is wrong, this place seems abandoned.
JANE:
Maybe today is Superball.
The Fellowship stops in front the Lawndale Lions changing room. The door is broken up. DeMartino steps in followed by the Fellowship minus Brittany.
BRITTANY: (protesting)
Hey! That is the men's dressing room. Have some consideration for male
modesty, please! Only guys are allowed to enter that sacred place: And
those are players, trainers, doctors, technicians, reporters, water-boys,
cheerleaders… Eep! I mean…
She follows them inside.
INT. THE LAWNDALE LIONS CHANGING ROOM
Brittany enters and finds the Fellowship examining piles of skeletons.
BRITTANY:
Eep!
Sorrowful the Fellowship looks around at the gloomy environment.
Everybody is mute.
DeMartino find a dead body holding a diary, he opens it and starts
to read it.
JODIE: (severe)
What does it say?
DEMARTINO: (reading out loud in a grave voice the last page)
"It has taken the bridge and the second hall.
We have barred the gates, with those bar thingies, but cannot hold
on for long.
The ground shakes.
Drum noises from drums in the deep.
We cannot get out.
A shadow moves in the dark.
We cannot get out.
It is coming:
It is the Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."
JODIE:
What?
DEMARTINO:
"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."
QUINN:
What's that?
DARIA: (sarcastic)
He must have *died* while writing it.
TIFFANY:
Of coooooourse.
BRITTANY:
Oh, come on.
DEMARTINO:
THAT is what it says.
JANE:
Yes and it is also hard to believe that sportsjocks can write.
BRITTANY: (insulted)
Hey!
JODIE: (pacifying)
But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to write "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
He would just say it.
JANE:
Well, he was a sportjock!
BRITTANY: (more insulted)
HEY!
DEMARTINO:
It is there written ON the page.
STACY:
Perhaps he was dictating.
SANDI:
Shhhht, Stacy!
Is that *all* it says?
DEMARTINO:
That is all: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
SANDI:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"?
TIFFANY:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh"??
QUINN:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"???
DARIA:
Try to remember Quinn; maybe you have dated once a guy with such a
name.
QUINN: (scowls at Daria)
Eww!
STACY:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"????
JODIE:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"?????
JANE:
Hey, this is fun-activity: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "
BRITTANY:
Oooooh!
DEMARTINO:
No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the BACK of the throat.
BRITTANY:
No! "Oooooh!". Like a surprise!
JODIE: (in an amazed tone)
Oh, you mean: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!
SANDI:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!
TIFFANY:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh"!!!
STACY:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!!
QUINN:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!!!!
JANE: (grinning at Daria, who is just about to get an headache)
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!!!!!
MONSTER VOICE OVER: (very frightening roar)
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE WHOLE FELLOWSHIP: (frightened)
EEP!
They all turn and look at the entrance of the locker room.
A huge scorpion-like shadow moves towards them.
JODIE:
What is this new devilry?
BRITTANY:
Huh?
JODIE:
What the f**k is that?
QUINN:
*Ohmigawd*! It is the scorpion king.
DEMARTINO:
No, that is THE Legendary Scorpion Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! It is
a DJ!
A demon of the light entertainment industry. This foe is beyond any
of you. RUN!
DeMartino runs out an other entrance, he followed by the Fashion Club.
BRITTANY: (pulling out her axe)
Wait, let him come. There is one cheerleader yet in the Stadium who
still draws breath.
DARIA:
What did I told you about Shakespeare, Brittany? Just follow with us
the DeMartino-shaped blur.
Daria and Jodie run away too.
JANE:
Besides, it doesn't suit your personality.
Jane runs away. Brittany follows her.
BRITTANY
What do you mean by *that*?
INT. CAVES OF THE GREAT FOOTBALLSTADIUM
The Fellowship keeps on running until they come to a bridge, which
crosses a bottomless abyss.
DeMartino halts and gestures the others over the bridge.
DEMARTINO:
Fly you fools! Over the bridge. Fly!
QUINN:
A Fly? Eww, where is the insect spray?
DARIA:
No, he meant your fly is undone.
QUINN: (she runs faster)
Ewww.
EXT. BRIDGE
All make it safely over the bridge. Except DeMartino who stands
now in the middle of the structure.
He uses his magical rod to form a force field.
DE MARTINO:
Hey, Rock 'n Roll Randy, this year you are mine!
THE FASHION CLUB:
*This* year?
BRITTANY:
So the legend is true. Mr. DeMartino did fight the DJ Rock'n Roll Randy
last year and suffered from a heart attack.
JODIE:
Yes, he had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.
JANE:
But a voice told him that his work here on Lawndale Earth wasn't finished.
Some of the free people weren't wetting the bed yet. And this year
he is more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.
The remaining Fellowship is looking at the monumental fight, which is about to unfold.
The demon steps out the darkness. He holds a whip as a weapon.
It looks like the Alter-Ego of Rock'n Roll Randy as half-man half-scorpion
which you can spot in the closing credits of a certain Daria-episode. (If
you are lucky enough, that the network bothers to screen it.)
DE MARTINO:
YOU CANNOT PASS!
I am a TEACHER of the Secret History, WIELDER of the Flame in AOL.
The dark flame shall NOT avail you!
Wave of Z-93 go back to the Shadows!
YOU shall not PASS!!!
DeMartino uses his magical rod to attacks him with a sorcery blast. But Rock 'n Roll Randy hits the blast with his whip away.
DE MARTINO:
Come on! Take your punishment like a MAN!
ROCK'N ROLL RANDY: (grins)
I am not a man, dude, I am a rocker!
DE MARTINO: (aggressive)
Why you...
He uses his magical rod to blast a hole in the bridge under Rock 'n Roll Randy. The structure collapse and the demon fall into the depth.
DE MARTINO: (victorious)
Where's your ROCK 'N ROLL power now!
While falling, Rock 'n Roll Randy swing his whip and whacks DeMartino's leg. He falls into the void too.
DE MARTINO:
Aarghh!
ROCK'N ROLL RANDY: (while falling)
Wahoo! Rock 'n Roll power foreverrrrrrr………….
DE MARTINO: (while falling)
My kneeeeeee………….
The rest of the Fellowship look how those two descend into the abyss.
DARIA:
Well, same time next year.
Money is changing hands and the Fellowship walks to the exit.