The Fellowship of Quinn.
Part VII:
Jesse gotta Ring
INT. ENGLISH-CLASS-TOWER - NIGHT
Mr. O'Neill is alone with a creature, which is the horror of every
decent Dariafan. He starts a dialog with him.
O'NEILL:
Do you know how Mary Sues first came into being?
Once they were new introduced characters. Original, interesting assets
to the main cast, but they were taken by the egos of their creators.
Dark powers, tortured and mutilated. A ruined and terrible form of
life.
But now... perfected by the Master of the Lawndale Universe himself:
The Almighty Glenn Eichler.
My fighting Mary Sue.
What is your name?
CREATURE:
Tom Sloane.
O'NEILL:
Whom do you serve?
TOM:
O'Neill the White.
O'NEILL:
Now Tom, there are Fashion Clubbers who have something, which is of
great value to our cause. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled.
EXT. ENGLISH-CLASS-TOWER - NIGHT
O'Neill is standing now in front of a huge army of about 200 Mary
Sues.
It consists the most awful Daria-Mary Sues who were ever created
in the world of Daria fanfiction.
Their leader Tom Sloane, in full battle gear, is standing in front
of them, while O'Neill holds speech.
O'NEILL:
Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found!
You do not know pain.
You do not know fear.
You are Mary Sues!
You will always have the last line.
TOM AND THE MARY SUES: (battle cry)
Yeah!
EXT. FORREST OF MORENO – EVENING
The Fellowship stumbles trough a shrubbery. They are lead by Brittany.
BRITTANY:
Beware! This is the woods of Moreno. Here lives a great sorcerer of
terrible power, who ever sees him falls under his spell. And he never wears
a T-shirt.
JANE: (eager)
No T-shirt? I hope he works out.
BRITTANY:
Well here is one cheerleader, he won't ensnare so easily. I have the
eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox and…
Suddenly the Fellowship is surrounded by a dozen bowmen pointing with arrows at their heads.
BRITTANY: (she makes a leap)
Eep!
JANE: (adds)
And legs like a rabbit.
BOWMAN #1
You have come to the realms of the master of the wood: Jesse. He was
expecting you.
EXT. YARD OF THE TREEPALAST OF MORENO – NIGHT
Jesse and Quinn are alone.
QUINN:
The Fellowship has failed and is breaking up now. And worst, we ran
out of lip-gloss.
JESSE:
Hmm?
QUINN:
I mean the best thing is, when I got rid of this stupid Ring.
JESSE:
Hmm?
QUINN: (twirls her hair, flirting with him)
I mean, since you are so a powerful *mighty* sorcerer, you can deal
with this Ring, without taking over the world and stuff.
JESSE:
Hmm?
QUINN:
So I will offer it to you freely, then I can be back home in time for
Buffy.
I will give you the One Ring.
Quinn hands it over to Jesse
JESSE:
Cool.
Jesse is about to take the ring, but then he transforms into a frightening
creature of light.
Beautiful and terrible as the morning!
Treacherous as the sea!
Stronger than the foundations of the earth!
Over shining the stars above him!
JESSE: (very evil)
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
But then Jesse reluctantly takes his hand away from the ring. He transmogrifies back to his old self.
JESSE: (calms down and smiles)
Cool.
I pass the test. Luckily I have flunked.
QUINN:
What does that mean?
JESSE:
I will go on tour in the west and remain rhythm guitarist. I don't
need a solo carrier.
QUINN:
Eww, and what about me? I cannot do it alone.
JESSE:
You are a Ring-bearer, Quinn. To bear a Ring of Power is to *be* alone.
This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.
QUINN:
Eww!
JESSE:
For the time would soon come when Fashion Clubbers like you would shape
the fortunes of us all. Even the smallest person can change the course
of the future.
QUINN:
EWWWW! Why everybody thinks I am *small*!
A FEW DAYS LATER
EXT. GREAT STREAM – DAY
The Fellowship is rowing in 3 little boats gently down the stream.
DARIA: (singing)
Row, row, row your boat.
She smirks because this song is annoying especially Quinn.
Before them are two huge statues, one on each side of the stream. They come in reach.
BRITTANY:
Eep!
JODIE: (amazed)
The 2 Queens!
JANE:
Hey, Daria your ancestors!
The statues are modelled after the 2 great Queens of a lost glorious past.
DARIA: (impressed)
Long have I desire to look upon the ancestors of my family.
The Fellowship looks up and notices that both queens have very firm,
large, wonderful shaped, perfect boobs.
They are that kind of boobies Lara Croft, Seven of Nine, Wonderwomen
and other heroines of popular culture have. Which, of course, are designed
to make men drool and women to feel inadequate equipped.
Puzzled the Fellowship turns around to Daria, who zipping up her jacket. So nobody can compare her bust size, with those of the statues.
JANE:
Maybe you were changed at birth.
Daria glares at her.
CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE TWO STATUES
STACY VOICE OVER: (gasps)
Eww, sandals! They are wearing sandals! And I am wearing…
The sound of a slap can be heard.