Chapter 15: Girl Power!
It's another night at the G-Pub, Char is sitting at the bar when the door opens. Unusually, the guys and girls aren't messing with their simulation machines.
Amuro: Hey Char, old buddy, old pal! I want you to meet my old girl that I just got back together with, Sayla.
Char: (Thinking to himself) Hmm, she seems very familiar . . .
Amuro: Well Char, say hi to Sayla. Don't be rude.
Char: (Thinking to himself) Now where do I know her from . . . ?
Amuro: Char, this isn't like you to not drool over a beautiful woman . . . then again, she is over the age of 14 . . .
Char: That's it!
Amuro: What!?!
Char: She's my sister you dog!
Amuro: What the hell!?
Char: How the hell could a Feddie scum like you hook up with MY sister!
Amuro: No she can't be!
Char: Artesia, how could you settle for this low-life?
Amuro: Her name isn't Artesia . . . is it?
Sayla: Yes . . . it is. Brother, why do you always do this?
Char: Well if you could just get a man who isn't a sissy!
Amuro: Excuse me!
Char: Yeah, you heard me! You are a sissy! Little ninny doesn't wanna' go to the graveyard and dig up corpses, noooooo that would make baby cry.
Amuro: That has nothing to do with this, stop bringing up the graveyard, I don't want to know anything about that!
Char: Well you're the one who always asks where I got all that dough to buy Axis, so I figure it has some relevance!
Amuro: . . . That's disgusting.
Sayla: Stop it both of you!
Char/Amuro: NO!
Char: You will not see my sister.
Amuro: You can't stop me!
Char: Like hell I can't! Sayla, you can't see this jerk!
Sayla: Relax, were just having fun.
Char: That's just sick! Amuro, consider our friendship over! Now you DIE!!! . . . Damn it where did I put that remote . . . oh, silly me wrong pocket . . . now where was I . . . Oh yeah! DIE!!!!!!!!
Char takes out his bug remote control.
Amuro: Oh shit!!! Haro!!!!!!
Haro jumps out from behind Amuro and assumes a kung-fu stance
Char: A pity, I don't like resorting to violence . . .
Amuro: Don't like resorting to violence?! What the hell do you call dropping that asteroid on Tibet?!
Char: . . . Shut up.
Char's bug and Haro begin to duke it out, it lasts several minutes until Haro is finally sliced into tiny green pieces.
Amuro: Haro!!! Noooooo!!!
Char: You're next. DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!
'Mysterious voice': STOOOOOOOP!!!
Chan Agi from Char's Counterattack runs up.
Chan: Don't kill him!
Amuro: Chan . . . I thought you were dead!
Sayla: Who is this?
Amuro: Umm, this is Chan, we were sort of . . . umm . . .
Sayla: So you're cheating on me!
Amuro: That's not it! I thought she was dead!
Chan: Oh, cut the crap! I know you paid Hathaway to try and kill me, I'm gonna' have you locked up!
Amuro: Meh. So I did. You were getting really annoying.
Chan: Die, Amuro!
'Another mysterious voice': NOOOOOO!!!
Beltochika runs up.
Amuro: What the hell! You!?
Beltochika: That's right, you're not gonna' kill him. I'm gonna' see this punk pay!
Sayla: Who the hell is this hussy?
Chan: No, I'm killing him!
Beltochika: No you aren't if you kill him he can't pay child support! (Points to her stomach) It's yours.
Amuro: (Whimpers) You can't be serious . . .
Sayla: You little slut, get away from my boyfriend!
Beltochika: You just call me a slut?
Sayla: No shit. I bet we could fit a Rick Dom up that ass of yours.
Beltochika: . . . Only a GM at most, but that's normal, right?
Sayla: Make a choice, you have to go with one of us for good, and the other two will just make your life a living hell by suing you.
Amuro: . . . I don't know . . . I love you, Sayla!
Sayla: Yay! I knew it!
Beltochika: This author is such a Sayla fanboy.
Chan: I know. All the characters he hates just get no damn respect in these stories . . .
Beltochika: He changed up this scene just to fit his biased ways, how dare he . . .
Amuro: Damn it Char, that's your cue to kill the others!
Char: Don't look at me. I'm not killing anybody. I think this is funny as hell!
Amuro: What am I gonna' do?
Scirroco shows up.
Scirroco: I just received orders from the heavens to settle this fight.
Char: Orders from the heavens?
Scirroco: Yep. (He shows a video tape)
Chan: Oh my God, where did you get that!
Scirroco: I can blackmail you all with this. Now leave my buddy alone or everybody in the bar will know!
Sayla: You wouldn't!
Scirroco: Oh really? Hey Domon, find a VCR and hook it up to the TV, its movie time!
Beltochika: No, fine we'll leave!
Scirroco: You better, I can frame every woman here! Ha, ha, ha!
Chan, Beltochika, and Sayla leave.
Amuro and Char: What was that?
Scirroco hands Amuro the video tape.
Amuro: Oh my God! "Mobile Suit-less 'G'-Spot! The woman of Gundam as you've never seen them before!" How did you get this, I thought it was just a legend!
Scirroco: Being the Grand Priest of Titans-ism, I have my ways. I'll lend it to you, for those lonely nights you know.
Amuro: I need a drink . . .
Some time passes as Amuro and Char gulp down some drinks.
Char: Anyway, we need to figure out another way to get the girls.
Domon enters, looking a bit worried.
Gato: What's with the long face? Rain find out you were cheating on her again?
Domon: (Angrily) I was not cheating! And besides, the girls are doing something that sort of makes me concerned!
Amuro: Is it that serious?
Domon: Yeah, I was about to ask Master to join us in all these "Battle of the Sexes" fights, but I heard from the bartender that he's been spending a lot of time with the girls lately.
Char: Well, it's not like he's going to switch sides. He can't, sort of . . .
Everyone begins to think about this, then there's a lot of gagging and vomiting, except for Heero.
Camille: (Urp) How on Earth can you stand thinking about that?!
Heero: Ever seen "A Clockwork Orange"?
Camille: Yeah.
Heero: Been there, done that.
A couple of days later . . .
Char: Hey, I got a formal challenge letter from the girls. Seems like they're pretty serious . . .
Shiro: Formal challenge . . . blah, blah, blah . . .five-on-five . . . yada, yada . . . no DDR crap this time . . .
Amuro: Well, who's our best five?
Char: Well, that's tough. Everyone here is quite skilled, but we need to distill it down to the best of the best.
Shiro: Since it'll probably be a space battle, I'll sit this one out.
Kira (Drunk): I wanna' fight, too!
He falls on the floor totally stones.
Scirroco: I think I'll carry my friend here home.
Gato: . . . That still leaves seven of us. Are we gonna' have to draw straws or something?
Camille: Seems that way. It's not the way I'd like to run things, but we're gonna' have to.
The straws had been drawn, and the team consisted of Amuro, Char, Camille, Domon and Heero. They gathered by their machines to wait for the girls.
Char: Please. They keep us waiting this long just to have their butts kicked. Remind me why we let them order us around.
Amuro: Because you insist that we'll beat them senseless.
Char: Right . . .
Then, the competition arrives. Five girls, wearing flowing Gregorian monk- style robes.
Guys: . . .
Domon: (Smirking) Okay, so when do you guys bash your faces with boards?
They point towards the cabinets, silent. More sweat drops from the guys.
Camille: Well, they're direct.
Set-up, stage select: Satellite Orbit 1. The battle loads up . . .
Heero: So what's with their whole monk act?
Char: Beats me, but it's not gonna' work. We're gonna' win for sure! (Smiles and flashes a V sign)
Amuro: Five high-speed MA approaching . . . dammit . . .
Char: (Sees the MS on the scanners) Domon, I am going to kill you.
Domon: What?! What did I do?
The Mobile Armors take a rather distinctive appearance . . . they're playing card suits. They transform into Mobile Suit Mode, and then the talking begins.
Haman: You guys got too confident.
Christina: Is that something that happens to all guys, or just MS-jocks like you?
Four: It's going to be sweet rubbing this one in your faces!
Allenby: You're going down, and HARD!
Relena: I don't think introductions are needed, at this point. Ladies?
Girls: New Shuffle Alliance Girls, go!
And it went downhill from that point on. Haman's Shuffle Joker got Char with its funnels, Wing Zero got impaled on Shuffle Heart's sword, Zeta Gundam was blasted by Shuffle Diamond, Amuro was ripped up by Shuffle Club's gattlings.
Domon: You think you're something, don't you?! Well, I'm still the one, true King of Hearts! SEKIHA TENKYOKEN!
Girls: Bakunetsu Shuffle Flush!
A big combined ki blast manages to overwhelm Domon's attack and vaporize God Gundam. GAME OVER.
Char: . . . The hell?!
Amuro: THAT'S why they were sweet-talking Master Asia?
The girls exit their cabinets, wearing distinctive Shuffle Alliance-styled clothing.
Allenby: (as Ace of Spades) Aww, did we crush your male hubris?
Four: (as King of Diamonds) Well, we did give you advance notice. We can't be blamed for your loss.
Haman: (as Red Joker) Sure we can, we're the ones who handed them their butts on a platter.
Relena: (as Queen of Hearts) I'm sorry little boys, maybe next time we'll go easy on you.
Christina: (as Jack of Clubs) Yeah, if you ever start feeling suicidal, challenge us again!
Relena: Let's go, Shuffle Girls!
They walk off, cheering and celebrating. The guys are speechless.
Domon: . . . I'm gonna' kill that dirty old man . . .
To Be Continued . . .
It's another night at the G-Pub, Char is sitting at the bar when the door opens. Unusually, the guys and girls aren't messing with their simulation machines.
Amuro: Hey Char, old buddy, old pal! I want you to meet my old girl that I just got back together with, Sayla.
Char: (Thinking to himself) Hmm, she seems very familiar . . .
Amuro: Well Char, say hi to Sayla. Don't be rude.
Char: (Thinking to himself) Now where do I know her from . . . ?
Amuro: Char, this isn't like you to not drool over a beautiful woman . . . then again, she is over the age of 14 . . .
Char: That's it!
Amuro: What!?!
Char: She's my sister you dog!
Amuro: What the hell!?
Char: How the hell could a Feddie scum like you hook up with MY sister!
Amuro: No she can't be!
Char: Artesia, how could you settle for this low-life?
Amuro: Her name isn't Artesia . . . is it?
Sayla: Yes . . . it is. Brother, why do you always do this?
Char: Well if you could just get a man who isn't a sissy!
Amuro: Excuse me!
Char: Yeah, you heard me! You are a sissy! Little ninny doesn't wanna' go to the graveyard and dig up corpses, noooooo that would make baby cry.
Amuro: That has nothing to do with this, stop bringing up the graveyard, I don't want to know anything about that!
Char: Well you're the one who always asks where I got all that dough to buy Axis, so I figure it has some relevance!
Amuro: . . . That's disgusting.
Sayla: Stop it both of you!
Char/Amuro: NO!
Char: You will not see my sister.
Amuro: You can't stop me!
Char: Like hell I can't! Sayla, you can't see this jerk!
Sayla: Relax, were just having fun.
Char: That's just sick! Amuro, consider our friendship over! Now you DIE!!! . . . Damn it where did I put that remote . . . oh, silly me wrong pocket . . . now where was I . . . Oh yeah! DIE!!!!!!!!
Char takes out his bug remote control.
Amuro: Oh shit!!! Haro!!!!!!
Haro jumps out from behind Amuro and assumes a kung-fu stance
Char: A pity, I don't like resorting to violence . . .
Amuro: Don't like resorting to violence?! What the hell do you call dropping that asteroid on Tibet?!
Char: . . . Shut up.
Char's bug and Haro begin to duke it out, it lasts several minutes until Haro is finally sliced into tiny green pieces.
Amuro: Haro!!! Noooooo!!!
Char: You're next. DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!
'Mysterious voice': STOOOOOOOP!!!
Chan Agi from Char's Counterattack runs up.
Chan: Don't kill him!
Amuro: Chan . . . I thought you were dead!
Sayla: Who is this?
Amuro: Umm, this is Chan, we were sort of . . . umm . . .
Sayla: So you're cheating on me!
Amuro: That's not it! I thought she was dead!
Chan: Oh, cut the crap! I know you paid Hathaway to try and kill me, I'm gonna' have you locked up!
Amuro: Meh. So I did. You were getting really annoying.
Chan: Die, Amuro!
'Another mysterious voice': NOOOOOO!!!
Beltochika runs up.
Amuro: What the hell! You!?
Beltochika: That's right, you're not gonna' kill him. I'm gonna' see this punk pay!
Sayla: Who the hell is this hussy?
Chan: No, I'm killing him!
Beltochika: No you aren't if you kill him he can't pay child support! (Points to her stomach) It's yours.
Amuro: (Whimpers) You can't be serious . . .
Sayla: You little slut, get away from my boyfriend!
Beltochika: You just call me a slut?
Sayla: No shit. I bet we could fit a Rick Dom up that ass of yours.
Beltochika: . . . Only a GM at most, but that's normal, right?
Sayla: Make a choice, you have to go with one of us for good, and the other two will just make your life a living hell by suing you.
Amuro: . . . I don't know . . . I love you, Sayla!
Sayla: Yay! I knew it!
Beltochika: This author is such a Sayla fanboy.
Chan: I know. All the characters he hates just get no damn respect in these stories . . .
Beltochika: He changed up this scene just to fit his biased ways, how dare he . . .
Amuro: Damn it Char, that's your cue to kill the others!
Char: Don't look at me. I'm not killing anybody. I think this is funny as hell!
Amuro: What am I gonna' do?
Scirroco shows up.
Scirroco: I just received orders from the heavens to settle this fight.
Char: Orders from the heavens?
Scirroco: Yep. (He shows a video tape)
Chan: Oh my God, where did you get that!
Scirroco: I can blackmail you all with this. Now leave my buddy alone or everybody in the bar will know!
Sayla: You wouldn't!
Scirroco: Oh really? Hey Domon, find a VCR and hook it up to the TV, its movie time!
Beltochika: No, fine we'll leave!
Scirroco: You better, I can frame every woman here! Ha, ha, ha!
Chan, Beltochika, and Sayla leave.
Amuro and Char: What was that?
Scirroco hands Amuro the video tape.
Amuro: Oh my God! "Mobile Suit-less 'G'-Spot! The woman of Gundam as you've never seen them before!" How did you get this, I thought it was just a legend!
Scirroco: Being the Grand Priest of Titans-ism, I have my ways. I'll lend it to you, for those lonely nights you know.
Amuro: I need a drink . . .
Some time passes as Amuro and Char gulp down some drinks.
Char: Anyway, we need to figure out another way to get the girls.
Domon enters, looking a bit worried.
Gato: What's with the long face? Rain find out you were cheating on her again?
Domon: (Angrily) I was not cheating! And besides, the girls are doing something that sort of makes me concerned!
Amuro: Is it that serious?
Domon: Yeah, I was about to ask Master to join us in all these "Battle of the Sexes" fights, but I heard from the bartender that he's been spending a lot of time with the girls lately.
Char: Well, it's not like he's going to switch sides. He can't, sort of . . .
Everyone begins to think about this, then there's a lot of gagging and vomiting, except for Heero.
Camille: (Urp) How on Earth can you stand thinking about that?!
Heero: Ever seen "A Clockwork Orange"?
Camille: Yeah.
Heero: Been there, done that.
A couple of days later . . .
Char: Hey, I got a formal challenge letter from the girls. Seems like they're pretty serious . . .
Shiro: Formal challenge . . . blah, blah, blah . . .five-on-five . . . yada, yada . . . no DDR crap this time . . .
Amuro: Well, who's our best five?
Char: Well, that's tough. Everyone here is quite skilled, but we need to distill it down to the best of the best.
Shiro: Since it'll probably be a space battle, I'll sit this one out.
Kira (Drunk): I wanna' fight, too!
He falls on the floor totally stones.
Scirroco: I think I'll carry my friend here home.
Gato: . . . That still leaves seven of us. Are we gonna' have to draw straws or something?
Camille: Seems that way. It's not the way I'd like to run things, but we're gonna' have to.
The straws had been drawn, and the team consisted of Amuro, Char, Camille, Domon and Heero. They gathered by their machines to wait for the girls.
Char: Please. They keep us waiting this long just to have their butts kicked. Remind me why we let them order us around.
Amuro: Because you insist that we'll beat them senseless.
Char: Right . . .
Then, the competition arrives. Five girls, wearing flowing Gregorian monk- style robes.
Guys: . . .
Domon: (Smirking) Okay, so when do you guys bash your faces with boards?
They point towards the cabinets, silent. More sweat drops from the guys.
Camille: Well, they're direct.
Set-up, stage select: Satellite Orbit 1. The battle loads up . . .
Heero: So what's with their whole monk act?
Char: Beats me, but it's not gonna' work. We're gonna' win for sure! (Smiles and flashes a V sign)
Amuro: Five high-speed MA approaching . . . dammit . . .
Char: (Sees the MS on the scanners) Domon, I am going to kill you.
Domon: What?! What did I do?
The Mobile Armors take a rather distinctive appearance . . . they're playing card suits. They transform into Mobile Suit Mode, and then the talking begins.
Haman: You guys got too confident.
Christina: Is that something that happens to all guys, or just MS-jocks like you?
Four: It's going to be sweet rubbing this one in your faces!
Allenby: You're going down, and HARD!
Relena: I don't think introductions are needed, at this point. Ladies?
Girls: New Shuffle Alliance Girls, go!
And it went downhill from that point on. Haman's Shuffle Joker got Char with its funnels, Wing Zero got impaled on Shuffle Heart's sword, Zeta Gundam was blasted by Shuffle Diamond, Amuro was ripped up by Shuffle Club's gattlings.
Domon: You think you're something, don't you?! Well, I'm still the one, true King of Hearts! SEKIHA TENKYOKEN!
Girls: Bakunetsu Shuffle Flush!
A big combined ki blast manages to overwhelm Domon's attack and vaporize God Gundam. GAME OVER.
Char: . . . The hell?!
Amuro: THAT'S why they were sweet-talking Master Asia?
The girls exit their cabinets, wearing distinctive Shuffle Alliance-styled clothing.
Allenby: (as Ace of Spades) Aww, did we crush your male hubris?
Four: (as King of Diamonds) Well, we did give you advance notice. We can't be blamed for your loss.
Haman: (as Red Joker) Sure we can, we're the ones who handed them their butts on a platter.
Relena: (as Queen of Hearts) I'm sorry little boys, maybe next time we'll go easy on you.
Christina: (as Jack of Clubs) Yeah, if you ever start feeling suicidal, challenge us again!
Relena: Let's go, Shuffle Girls!
They walk off, cheering and celebrating. The guys are speechless.
Domon: . . . I'm gonna' kill that dirty old man . . .
To Be Continued . . .