Chapter 17: The Clone War Has Begun
A late night at the G-Pub.
Char: Hey Amuro, Karozo Ronah's big case with LucasFilm is tomorrow.
Amuro: I knew it was only a matter of time before they sued about him being a Darth Vader wannabe. But . . . it's a lawsuit without us involved!
Amuro and Char high-five each other. excel
Char: So you wanna' go watch how things play out?
Amuro: Hell yeah!
Char: Tomorrow at 8:00!
Amuro: See you at the court house.
And so, begun, this clone war has!
The next day in court . . .
Karozo 'Iron Mask' Ronah: So how do you think we are gonna' do?
Harvey Birdman: I think we're screwed . . .
Ronah: You said this would be an easy case!
Birdman: I just wanted you to pay me . . .
Ronah: I'm gonna . . .
Birdman: Quiet . . . the case is starting!
Bailiff: All rise. The Honorable Judge Reinhold presiding.
The audience assembled in the court room erupts in laughter.
Bailiff: Show some respect for Judge Reinhold!
The court goes silent.
Bailiff: I'm sorry Judge.
Judge: That's okay. It's more laughs than I got in Head Office.
Judge raps his gavel.
Judge: Be seated. Superior Court of Cosmo Babylonia will come to order. The case of LucasFilm Ltd. vs. Karozo Ronah for 20 billion dollars. Is the defendant here?
Ronah: Yes, your honor . . .
Judge: Cool. And are the plaintiffs here?
LucasFilm Attorney: yes, your honor.
Birdman: Your honor, at this time I would like to note that I've seen all of your movies, including Zandalee and Vice Versa.
Judge: I'm listening . . .
Birdman: And at this point I'd also like it noted that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.
Judge: Very well. Let's bring in the jury.
The Star Wars Imperial March begins to play in the background as the jury files in, all of them are wearing Earth Federal Forces uniforms. Familiar faces include Seabook Arno, Harrison, Berghito, Chris, Robar, and several other F91 Feds.
Ronah: What, they're all Feddies! I don't get it! Where's the spacenoids?
Birdman: I think we may have trouble with Berghito.
Judge: All right this court is adjourned until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow when I'll here the closing arguments.
The bailiff whispers in Judge's ear.
Judge: Ummm, I mean opening arguments. The jury will be sequestered and be allowed no contact with anyone for the rest of the case.
Seabook: We get to stay in hotel? Sweet!
Flash over to the set where F91 is being re-made in English.
Stagehand: Sir, all of the cast isn't gonna' show up. What are we gonna' do?
Director: Simple, we'll just replace them with the cast of 0083.
Stagehand: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Director: Of course it is, it will please my Dark Master . . . I mean the fans, yeah!
Stagehand: Fine . . . whatever . . . bring in Kou Uraki . . .
Kou: Hi everybody!
The camera crew boos and jeers at Kou and he starts to cry.
In the Pub, Karozo, Char, Amuro and Birdman plot a way to win the case.
Karozo: I'm doomed! I knew I shouldn't have thought about ripping off Vader. I should have just ripped off Char like everyone else but nooooo!
Char: Like hell you should have, how about not wearing a mask you friggan' clone!
Birdman: Yelling is not helping! (Korozo begins to do the "Force choke" with his Newtype powers) . . . gyah!!!
Amuro: All you need is a jury consultant. Somebody who can relate to them.
Karozo: And just who do you suggest, they are all Federation soldiers!
Char: Hey, wait! Amuro is a damn stinkin' low down dirty Feddie!
Amuro: Exactly . . . Zeke scum!
Char: What you say!
Amuro: All your base are belong to us!
Char: You have no chance to survive, make your time!
Karozo: Guys cut it out! Amuro, I need your help. They are all Feds, what do they want to hear?
Amuro: Right, right. Fed jury. Fed jury. Jury that's all Feds. Twelve men, all Feds. Fed jury. Twelve Fed men, all Feds -
Karozo: Amuro!
Amuro: Errrm, right. Well the thing is to let them know that you're one of them.
Karozo: But I'm evil and they are good! I'm not one of them . . . this is hopeless.
Birdman: One of them, huh? I've got it!
The next day at court . . .
Birdman: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Karozo Ronah is just like you. He loves oppressing spacenoids.
Jury: Huh?
Birdman: He knows what it's like when people say you're a snobby elitist pig . . .
Jury: Hmmm!
Birdman: -or how it feels to be a cannon fodder worthless bunch of pilots.
Jury: Grrrrrrr! (several members of the jury began brandishing small arms)
Birdman: Thank you!
Judge: Wow.
Karozo: Great, now the jury hates us!
Birdman: Nonsense, I've got them eating out of my hand.
A bullet ricochets off Karozo's helmet.
Seabook: I told you I could hit him. You owe me fifty bucks, Berghito!
Birdman: I would like to call to the stand, Mr. Karozo Ronah.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Karozo: Sure, why the hell not.
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, where were you on the date of March 24, UC 0123?
Karozo: Probably killing people. I don't remember.
Birdman: He doesn't remember. How convenient.
Karozo: I don't know!
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, in the sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boy's bathroom floor.
Karozo: No!
Birdman: I remind you you're under oath!
Karozo: You're an idiot!
Birdman: Your honor, strike that from the record.
Karozo: Grrrrr!
Birdman: Karozo, if I may call you that, why should this jury believe anything you say?
Karozo: Because I -
Birdman: Show us on the doll where they touched you! (pulls a rag doll out of his pocket)
Karozo: What! Nobody touched -
Birdman: Who was it? There's no more running from your past! Who touched you?
Karozo: I hate you . . .
Judge: LucasFilm you may call your witness.
LucasFilm Attorney: I would like to call to the stand, Darth Vader.
Vader is sworn in.
LFA: Mr. Vader, or may I just call you Darth?
Vader: (breathing noises) Vader will do.
LFA: Mr. Vader could you please take off your helmet so the jury can see it better, to clearly see how Mr. Ronah is stealing your image.
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure why not? (Takes off his helmet)
Jury: Ugggh! Ewwwwwwww! I'm gonna puke! He's uglier than Quinze!
LFA: Maybe you should leave it on. . . .
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure . . . I used to be so cute as Anakin . . .
LFA: Mr. Vader, could you please demonstrate your 'force choking' ability?
Vader: (breathing noises) Okay.
Vader uses his crazy Jedi mind tricks to choke a person in the audience area, who promptly dies.
Vader: (breathing noises) Good enough?
LFA: Perfect. Could you also show us your lightsaber?
Vader whips out his lightsaber.
Vader: (breathing noises) It's usually longer, but there's a chill in the air . . .
LFA: Right that will be enough, you may step down Mr. Vader.
Vader: (breathing noises) Ok.
LFA: Now, Mr. Ronah. Do you not also share the same traits as Mr. Vader.
Ronah (Lying): Nope.
LFA: But do you not wear a helmet?
Ronah: Mine has a goatee!
LFA: And do you not have crazy force choking powers?
Ronah: I don't use the force.
LFA: But can you or can you not choke people?
Ronah uses his Newtype choking power and kills the LucasFilm attorney, but he soon recovers.
LFA: Nice try Mr. Ronah, but we are lawyers, we are beyond death. But thank you for answering my question anyway.
Ronah: Damnit!
LFA: Now, do you also use lightsabers?
Ronah: It's called a beam saber you dork, and mines bigger!
LFA: I rest my case.
Birdman: I would like to call to the stands Cecily Fairchild - a surprise witness!
Cecily is sworn in.
Birdman: State your name and occupation.
Cecily: Cecily Fairchild, I'm a beauty pageant queen.
Birdman: Do you remember seeing me at the beauty pageant?
Cecily: You're that guy they threw out for exposing himself in public.
Birdman: Correct. What is your phone number Ms. Fairchild . . .
Karozo: Stop hitting on her!
Birdman: Relax, this is important for the justice process.
Cecily: 555-2345. I have a boyfriend, but, I don't mind three-ways!
Birdman: (scribbling the number down on a piece of paper) That'll be all. Thank you.
Cecily steps down.
Karozo: I don't think we're doing so good . . . but maybe if you would actually call a witness that has something to do with this case!
Birdman: You're such a worry wart. Everything is under control.
Another bullet ricochets of Karozo's helmet.
Seabook: Double or nothing my ass, you so owe me Berghito!
Birdman: The defense would like to call . . . George Lucas!
Bailiff: George Lucas!
Birdman: State your name and last films.
Lucas: George Lucas. And Star Wars Episode 1 and Episode 2.
Birdman: And do you think Phantom Menace was as good a movie as Empire?
Lucas: Well certainly, I think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Birdman: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?
Judge: Permission granted.
Birdman: Mister Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy
Lucas: (beginning to sweat) Ummm, well my kids thought -
Birdman: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him but in Menace Quai-Gon Jin trains Obi-Wan?
Lucas: (beginning to tear up) Uh, well the power of myth -
Birdman: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie!?! That you wrote it over a weekend but kept saying it was done for years?
LFA: Objection, Your Honor . . . the pod race was pretty cool.
Birdman: May I remind the court that Your Honor has never been in a George Lucas movie? And you were age appropriate for Liam Neeson's Qui-Gon Jinn role.
Judge: I'm going to allow it. Objection denied.
Lucas: (Bursts into tears) Fine, I admit it . . . they were all bad movies. I just ripped off an old samurai flick . . . bwah waaaaa waaa. (Lucas runs out the court crying)
LFA: That solves nothing, you still have us and the judge and jury to deal with.
Birdman: Not quite! I call Axel Foley!
Beverly Hills Cop II music begins to play as the courtroom door is kicked open.
Axel: Billy, I need your help man.
Judge: All right! Axel!
Judge Reinhold jumps out from behind the bench and runs out the door carrying a frightening amount of bananas.
Birdman: As you we're saying?
LFA: The case is not over yet!
Judge peeks back into the room.
Judge: Sorry, this case is dismissed because I didn't like Episode I either.
Axel: Hey come on, before the fruit stands run out of bananas.
Karozo: We won? We won!!!!
Amuro: Yeah, I knew you could do it, see you're not a Star Wars rip-off after all . . . Karozo . . . hey . . .Korozo.... what are you staring at?
Oblivious to the others the spirits of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin wave their good-byes to Karozo.
Karozo: Thanks you guys . . .
The blue glowing figures fade away as Karozo stares.
Karozo: May the force be with you.
Char: The what!?
Karozo: Ahem . . . I mean the crazy assed Newtype powers be with you. . . . screw, it lets go get drunk!
Meanwhile in the alley outside . . .
LucasFilm Attorney: Come forth, my Dark Master!
Two evil figures beyond comprehension appears in a billowy cloud of smoke and brimstone . . .
President of 4Kids Entertainment: How did the trial go? Did you bring the Gundam fools to their knees?
President of Funimation: Yes, tell us . . .
LFA: . . . Please forgive me my Dark Master, things did not go as you foresaw . . .
4Kids Prez: You lost! This would have made taking Gundam over a snap but because of your insolence my plans are set back. Now as for your punishment for failure, I will erase you!!!
LFA: NOOOOO -
The Director of 4Kids effortlessly slays the heartless attorney.
4Kids Director: This setback is unacceptable... I will have to take a more direct approach . . . but Gundam will be mine!
And in a cloud of fire and ash the supreme evil vanished back to it's lair to plan it's next move . . .
To Be Continued . . .
A late night at the G-Pub.
Char: Hey Amuro, Karozo Ronah's big case with LucasFilm is tomorrow.
Amuro: I knew it was only a matter of time before they sued about him being a Darth Vader wannabe. But . . . it's a lawsuit without us involved!
Amuro and Char high-five each other. excel
Char: So you wanna' go watch how things play out?
Amuro: Hell yeah!
Char: Tomorrow at 8:00!
Amuro: See you at the court house.
And so, begun, this clone war has!
The next day in court . . .
Karozo 'Iron Mask' Ronah: So how do you think we are gonna' do?
Harvey Birdman: I think we're screwed . . .
Ronah: You said this would be an easy case!
Birdman: I just wanted you to pay me . . .
Ronah: I'm gonna . . .
Birdman: Quiet . . . the case is starting!
Bailiff: All rise. The Honorable Judge Reinhold presiding.
The audience assembled in the court room erupts in laughter.
Bailiff: Show some respect for Judge Reinhold!
The court goes silent.
Bailiff: I'm sorry Judge.
Judge: That's okay. It's more laughs than I got in Head Office.
Judge raps his gavel.
Judge: Be seated. Superior Court of Cosmo Babylonia will come to order. The case of LucasFilm Ltd. vs. Karozo Ronah for 20 billion dollars. Is the defendant here?
Ronah: Yes, your honor . . .
Judge: Cool. And are the plaintiffs here?
LucasFilm Attorney: yes, your honor.
Birdman: Your honor, at this time I would like to note that I've seen all of your movies, including Zandalee and Vice Versa.
Judge: I'm listening . . .
Birdman: And at this point I'd also like it noted that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.
Judge: Very well. Let's bring in the jury.
The Star Wars Imperial March begins to play in the background as the jury files in, all of them are wearing Earth Federal Forces uniforms. Familiar faces include Seabook Arno, Harrison, Berghito, Chris, Robar, and several other F91 Feds.
Ronah: What, they're all Feddies! I don't get it! Where's the spacenoids?
Birdman: I think we may have trouble with Berghito.
Judge: All right this court is adjourned until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow when I'll here the closing arguments.
The bailiff whispers in Judge's ear.
Judge: Ummm, I mean opening arguments. The jury will be sequestered and be allowed no contact with anyone for the rest of the case.
Seabook: We get to stay in hotel? Sweet!
Flash over to the set where F91 is being re-made in English.
Stagehand: Sir, all of the cast isn't gonna' show up. What are we gonna' do?
Director: Simple, we'll just replace them with the cast of 0083.
Stagehand: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Director: Of course it is, it will please my Dark Master . . . I mean the fans, yeah!
Stagehand: Fine . . . whatever . . . bring in Kou Uraki . . .
Kou: Hi everybody!
The camera crew boos and jeers at Kou and he starts to cry.
In the Pub, Karozo, Char, Amuro and Birdman plot a way to win the case.
Karozo: I'm doomed! I knew I shouldn't have thought about ripping off Vader. I should have just ripped off Char like everyone else but nooooo!
Char: Like hell you should have, how about not wearing a mask you friggan' clone!
Birdman: Yelling is not helping! (Korozo begins to do the "Force choke" with his Newtype powers) . . . gyah!!!
Amuro: All you need is a jury consultant. Somebody who can relate to them.
Karozo: And just who do you suggest, they are all Federation soldiers!
Char: Hey, wait! Amuro is a damn stinkin' low down dirty Feddie!
Amuro: Exactly . . . Zeke scum!
Char: What you say!
Amuro: All your base are belong to us!
Char: You have no chance to survive, make your time!
Karozo: Guys cut it out! Amuro, I need your help. They are all Feds, what do they want to hear?
Amuro: Right, right. Fed jury. Fed jury. Jury that's all Feds. Twelve men, all Feds. Fed jury. Twelve Fed men, all Feds -
Karozo: Amuro!
Amuro: Errrm, right. Well the thing is to let them know that you're one of them.
Karozo: But I'm evil and they are good! I'm not one of them . . . this is hopeless.
Birdman: One of them, huh? I've got it!
The next day at court . . .
Birdman: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Karozo Ronah is just like you. He loves oppressing spacenoids.
Jury: Huh?
Birdman: He knows what it's like when people say you're a snobby elitist pig . . .
Jury: Hmmm!
Birdman: -or how it feels to be a cannon fodder worthless bunch of pilots.
Jury: Grrrrrrr! (several members of the jury began brandishing small arms)
Birdman: Thank you!
Judge: Wow.
Karozo: Great, now the jury hates us!
Birdman: Nonsense, I've got them eating out of my hand.
A bullet ricochets off Karozo's helmet.
Seabook: I told you I could hit him. You owe me fifty bucks, Berghito!
Birdman: I would like to call to the stand, Mr. Karozo Ronah.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Karozo: Sure, why the hell not.
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, where were you on the date of March 24, UC 0123?
Karozo: Probably killing people. I don't remember.
Birdman: He doesn't remember. How convenient.
Karozo: I don't know!
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, in the sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boy's bathroom floor.
Karozo: No!
Birdman: I remind you you're under oath!
Karozo: You're an idiot!
Birdman: Your honor, strike that from the record.
Karozo: Grrrrr!
Birdman: Karozo, if I may call you that, why should this jury believe anything you say?
Karozo: Because I -
Birdman: Show us on the doll where they touched you! (pulls a rag doll out of his pocket)
Karozo: What! Nobody touched -
Birdman: Who was it? There's no more running from your past! Who touched you?
Karozo: I hate you . . .
Judge: LucasFilm you may call your witness.
LucasFilm Attorney: I would like to call to the stand, Darth Vader.
Vader is sworn in.
LFA: Mr. Vader, or may I just call you Darth?
Vader: (breathing noises) Vader will do.
LFA: Mr. Vader could you please take off your helmet so the jury can see it better, to clearly see how Mr. Ronah is stealing your image.
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure why not? (Takes off his helmet)
Jury: Ugggh! Ewwwwwwww! I'm gonna puke! He's uglier than Quinze!
LFA: Maybe you should leave it on. . . .
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure . . . I used to be so cute as Anakin . . .
LFA: Mr. Vader, could you please demonstrate your 'force choking' ability?
Vader: (breathing noises) Okay.
Vader uses his crazy Jedi mind tricks to choke a person in the audience area, who promptly dies.
Vader: (breathing noises) Good enough?
LFA: Perfect. Could you also show us your lightsaber?
Vader whips out his lightsaber.
Vader: (breathing noises) It's usually longer, but there's a chill in the air . . .
LFA: Right that will be enough, you may step down Mr. Vader.
Vader: (breathing noises) Ok.
LFA: Now, Mr. Ronah. Do you not also share the same traits as Mr. Vader.
Ronah (Lying): Nope.
LFA: But do you not wear a helmet?
Ronah: Mine has a goatee!
LFA: And do you not have crazy force choking powers?
Ronah: I don't use the force.
LFA: But can you or can you not choke people?
Ronah uses his Newtype choking power and kills the LucasFilm attorney, but he soon recovers.
LFA: Nice try Mr. Ronah, but we are lawyers, we are beyond death. But thank you for answering my question anyway.
Ronah: Damnit!
LFA: Now, do you also use lightsabers?
Ronah: It's called a beam saber you dork, and mines bigger!
LFA: I rest my case.
Birdman: I would like to call to the stands Cecily Fairchild - a surprise witness!
Cecily is sworn in.
Birdman: State your name and occupation.
Cecily: Cecily Fairchild, I'm a beauty pageant queen.
Birdman: Do you remember seeing me at the beauty pageant?
Cecily: You're that guy they threw out for exposing himself in public.
Birdman: Correct. What is your phone number Ms. Fairchild . . .
Karozo: Stop hitting on her!
Birdman: Relax, this is important for the justice process.
Cecily: 555-2345. I have a boyfriend, but, I don't mind three-ways!
Birdman: (scribbling the number down on a piece of paper) That'll be all. Thank you.
Cecily steps down.
Karozo: I don't think we're doing so good . . . but maybe if you would actually call a witness that has something to do with this case!
Birdman: You're such a worry wart. Everything is under control.
Another bullet ricochets of Karozo's helmet.
Seabook: Double or nothing my ass, you so owe me Berghito!
Birdman: The defense would like to call . . . George Lucas!
Bailiff: George Lucas!
Birdman: State your name and last films.
Lucas: George Lucas. And Star Wars Episode 1 and Episode 2.
Birdman: And do you think Phantom Menace was as good a movie as Empire?
Lucas: Well certainly, I think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Birdman: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?
Judge: Permission granted.
Birdman: Mister Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy
Lucas: (beginning to sweat) Ummm, well my kids thought -
Birdman: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him but in Menace Quai-Gon Jin trains Obi-Wan?
Lucas: (beginning to tear up) Uh, well the power of myth -
Birdman: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie!?! That you wrote it over a weekend but kept saying it was done for years?
LFA: Objection, Your Honor . . . the pod race was pretty cool.
Birdman: May I remind the court that Your Honor has never been in a George Lucas movie? And you were age appropriate for Liam Neeson's Qui-Gon Jinn role.
Judge: I'm going to allow it. Objection denied.
Lucas: (Bursts into tears) Fine, I admit it . . . they were all bad movies. I just ripped off an old samurai flick . . . bwah waaaaa waaa. (Lucas runs out the court crying)
LFA: That solves nothing, you still have us and the judge and jury to deal with.
Birdman: Not quite! I call Axel Foley!
Beverly Hills Cop II music begins to play as the courtroom door is kicked open.
Axel: Billy, I need your help man.
Judge: All right! Axel!
Judge Reinhold jumps out from behind the bench and runs out the door carrying a frightening amount of bananas.
Birdman: As you we're saying?
LFA: The case is not over yet!
Judge peeks back into the room.
Judge: Sorry, this case is dismissed because I didn't like Episode I either.
Axel: Hey come on, before the fruit stands run out of bananas.
Karozo: We won? We won!!!!
Amuro: Yeah, I knew you could do it, see you're not a Star Wars rip-off after all . . . Karozo . . . hey . . .Korozo.... what are you staring at?
Oblivious to the others the spirits of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin wave their good-byes to Karozo.
Karozo: Thanks you guys . . .
The blue glowing figures fade away as Karozo stares.
Karozo: May the force be with you.
Char: The what!?
Karozo: Ahem . . . I mean the crazy assed Newtype powers be with you. . . . screw, it lets go get drunk!
Meanwhile in the alley outside . . .
LucasFilm Attorney: Come forth, my Dark Master!
Two evil figures beyond comprehension appears in a billowy cloud of smoke and brimstone . . .
President of 4Kids Entertainment: How did the trial go? Did you bring the Gundam fools to their knees?
President of Funimation: Yes, tell us . . .
LFA: . . . Please forgive me my Dark Master, things did not go as you foresaw . . .
4Kids Prez: You lost! This would have made taking Gundam over a snap but because of your insolence my plans are set back. Now as for your punishment for failure, I will erase you!!!
LFA: NOOOOO -
The Director of 4Kids effortlessly slays the heartless attorney.
4Kids Director: This setback is unacceptable... I will have to take a more direct approach . . . but Gundam will be mine!
And in a cloud of fire and ash the supreme evil vanished back to it's lair to plan it's next move . . .
To Be Continued . . .