Chapter 19: Across the Highlands and the Pain Down Our Backs
The background is black. Suddenly, lights come up, revealing the Pub's gambling group, sitting in tall chairs like Stalker.
Amuro: Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to make a public service announcement.
Char: In the past few weeks, you've seen Kou Uraki and Mark Currant attempting to get the better of us, and sometimes succeeding.
Camille: In the interest of fairness, we wish to express our concern with these developments and to provide you with the truth.
Scirroco: The truth is: G-Saviour sucks. And Gundam 0083's characters suck. And they suck mightily. They suck more than all the sucking that goes on inside the Playboy mansion. It's almost an insult for them to have the word "Gundam" anywhere near them.
Heero: G-Saviour is a hackneyed Canadian excuse for a sci-fi movie. And 0083 is simply a sad imitation of an American action film using Gundam as a setting.
Shiro: Neither of these films have any real plot. If you want to watch a Gundam series with plot, watch anything that we appear in.
Domon: The fact is, neither of these guys have the brains to walk and chew guy at the same time, let alone outsmart us. Here's what would really happen if Kou tried to trick us.
Kou walks in, carrying a brown paper bag which probably contains dog poo. Gato grabs him by the lapels.
Gato: MY GOD MAN, HIRE SOME DECENT WRITERS! (He bitch-slaps Kou, then pushes him onto the ground, face-first into his own bag).
Domon: As for Mark . . .
The camera pans slightly, revealing Mark locked in a pillory with Amuro, Camille and Heero brandishing wooden hazing paddles.
Char: So please, ladies and gentlemen, say "no" to plotless tripe.
This message has been brought to you by the GnBS - Fandom Isn't a Right, It's a Privelege.
The members of the G-Pub all clap as they watch their commercial aired on International television on the Gundam Planet Network.
Char: Man, I looked good!
Amuro: Rrright . . .
They all go to the game room to practice, but notice that the dancing machines are gone and the simulation pods are back.
Scirroco: Hey! I thought I shipped these back!
Camille: How the hell are these machines back?
Domon: And where are our games?
Voice: Ahem.
The guys turn towards the voice and see several familiar figures . . .
Heero: The Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance?
Four: That's right! Garma used his family influence to get rid of those lame music games and bring back the real one.
Scirocco: But I banished them to Hoboken, New Jersey!
Garma: Nothing is impossible for money! Hahaha!
Relena: We challenge you to a match, and the loser has to leave the bar for good!
Allenby: And no cheap tricks! This is going to be a real fight!
Seabrook: . . . So says the girl with the GameShark.
Allenby: That's it, we fight NOW!
Gundam Fight all set; Battle Stage: Shinjuku, Neo-Japan. Ready . . . GO!
The match begins with the guys standing near the Diet building.
Domon: This is definitely not good. As easily as we can whip Kou's group, the Shuffle Girls are the real threat.
Char: Right. No tricks this time. We're going to have to put up the best fight ever.
Amuro: Pair off! Domon and Gato are a team. So are Char and Seabook, Shiro and Judau, and Scirocco and Heero. That leaves Camille and me.
Shiro: And here they come!
The radar lights up with five blips. Out of the ruined buildings burst the GP01, Guncannon, G-Savoiur, Kaempher and Gyan. The fighting was intense, but still wasn't much of a battle. A Double God Slash bisected the Gyan, the Ez8 and FAZZ ripped through Guncannon, G-Saviour was dismantled by The O and Wing Zero, and Crossbone X1 distracted the Kaempher so Sazabi could impale it.
Char: Blame this on the misfortune of your birth, Garma!
Kou: You may have beaten my teammates, but you still have to fight them!
Standing on top of the Diet building, the Shuffle-Ko Gundams had been watching the proceedings the whole time. Angrily, Camille finishes Kou off.
Camille: Perfect, we were just being tricked into wasting our energy with those losers. Now we have to deal with them.
Char: Hit them with everything you've got, NOW!
Quite an impressive sight; simultaneously, everyone fired their most powerful weapons. Wing's twin buster, Zeta and Nu's hyper mega launchers, FAZZ's high mega cannon, Sazabi's mega particle gun, God's Sekiha Tenkyoken and Physalis' atomic bazooka while Ez8, Crossbone and The O gave support fire with their beam rifles. But out of the massive smoke cloud came . . .
Girls: Shuffle Royal Flush!
The Shuffle Gundams transformed into glowing comets and combined into one massive burst of power that surged right through the guys' MS. They remained standing as the girls' Shuffle Crests appeared in the air, then caused a giant explosion, taking them out. Five minutes later, outside the bar . . .
Amuro: We lost.
Judau: WE lost?!
Heero: We LOST!?
Domon smashes a garbage can into pieces.
Domon: DAMMIT! As long as they have those powers, we can't beat them, and we've even been kicked out of the bar! Now there's nothing we can do about it!
Voice: Oh really?
From the shadows appears . . .
Domon: Oh my God! It's that ninja again!
Shwartz: It's me, you idiot!
Domon: Oh yeah, Shwartz Bruder!
Camille: Where have you been?
Shwartz: Me and Solid Weasel visited fanfiction heaven where he played some Five Card Draw with Revolver Zero, AmuroNT1, necropenguin, and the rest of the contributors to this story . . .
Char: Biter.
Schwarz: That's a fine attitude to take with the man who's going to help you regain face and get you back into the pub. Only through my leadership can you hope to defeat that alliance founded on perversion and fueled by estrogen.
Guys: . . . Wha?
Schwarz: (Sweatdropping) Let me teach you how to beat the girls up.
Guys: Oh!
Some days later, Schwarz had lead the guys out to the Guyana Highlands. They were still muttering and being PO'ed.
Amuro: What's the point of this trip, anyway? The fact that they're Shuffle Alliance now means we can't hold a torch to them.
Schwarz: Are you giving up that easily? Watch this!
In a quick, fluid motion, Schwarz throws a fist-sized rock straight between Amuro's eyes. It hits with a soft THUNK and the other guys wince, but all that's there is a small bruise.
Schwarz: For a legendary soldier and powerful Newtype, you're giving up awfully early. What keeps you from using your powers outside of the Hi-Nu Gundam?
Amuro: Because I need some kind of psycommu device to enhance my brainwaves.
Schwarz: What about Iron Mask Ronah? He could do a full Darth Vader Force- choke and you're much stronger than him. Besides, I threw that rock with all my strength. Why didn't it leave more than a little mark?
All: . . .
Schwarz: We're out here so you men can learn how to truly master control of your new Mobile Fighter Gundams. Through rigorous training, you will be able to defeat them, Shuffle crests or no.
Time lapse: a montage of clips plays as "Eye of the Tiger" blares in the background. The guys undergo the typical training regimen: standing under waterfalls, punching into buckets of heated sand, meditation, hanging upside-down, and balancing on top of trees. The montage ends as we see Heero, suspended from a tree by ropes and tied up with only his right hand free. Schwarz is pulling him backwards to build up momentum.
Schwarz: Ready?
Heero: Yes!
Domon: Alright, here we go!
Simultaneously, Schwarz throws Heero forwards as Domon throws a similarly suspended boulder right at him.
Heero: Take this!
He stabs the boulder with his extended forefinger, and they both stop in the middle, motionless. Suddenly, the other guys, who were sitting off to the side, speak up.
Shiro: What does this have to do with training?
Schwarz: . . . Nothing, I just saw it in Ranma 1/2 and I thought it looked really cool.
The other guys facefault. Suddenly, the boulder crumbles into dust. Everyone looks on in shock.
Heero: . . . I think my finger is broken.
Finally, the training was finished. The guys were grouped outside the plane, getting some final advise from Schwarz.
Schwarz: I'm very proud of all of you. You've managed to achieve a new level of skill and power through this training. Now, go take back the bar and prove the superiority of the Y chromosome!
Guys: Zuh?
Schwarz facepalms, then raises his other fist in a salute.
Schwarz: Guys rule.
Guys: YEAH!
They march off to the plane, cheering, woofing and Tim Allen-barking as Schwarz sighs and follows them.
Back at the bar, the Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance were preparing to enter the game for some training.
Elle: Well, here we go again. What simulation do you wanna' do this time?
Garma: How about the Tragedy in Jaburo setting?
Four: Sounds good. (Aside to the other girls) Why are we hanging around with these losers?
Haman: Cannon fodder.
Relena: And Rain's working on hiding hologram generators in their MS that make them look like ours, for decoys.
Four: Good reasons.
The simulation begins, outside of Jaburo, complete with "Ai Senshi" playing in the background. After a couple minutes, nothing has happened.
Kai: What's going on? Usually the Zeon forces show up by now.
A Gaw carrier appears overhead and opens its bay doors, releasing ten familiar MS . . .
Girls/Kou's Guys: THEM!
Amuro: We're not going to lose this time.
Camille: We've trained way too hard to be defeated by posers like you.
Char: Come at us, if you want to lose!
Kou: Hah! Prepare to eat the dirt again!
As Kou charges, the rest of his men shrug and follow him. Without moving, the guys start firing their vulcans and machinecannons, ripping the five MS into scrap.
Girls: . . .
Allenby: Vulcans can do THAT?!
Four: Who cares? We can still beat these losers down. Ready?
Domon: Not so fast! First, we have to show you our new special technique.
Girls: Special technique?
The guys all close their eyes and let out low hums of concentration. In a burst of light, their MS transform and begin glowing gold.
Elle: Hyper Mode?!
Relena: They're still not good enough! HEART BREAK SLASH!
Shuffle Queen rushes towards Wing Zero with its sword drawn, only to have the blade caught in one of Zero's hands.
Heero: I'm not going to go easy on you women anymore.
He flicks Relena's MF away with ease.
Heero: Shiro, let's go!
Shiro: Right! Impresive Vulcan Storm!
Heero: Grand Angel Cyclone!
Wing Zero flaps its wings, creating a massive wind column that sweeps Queen into the air, where the Ez8's assault blows it up.
Haman: You! Take this!
She launches her funnels, only to have Char control them and crash them into the water.
Char: Well, you're next. Beam Shot Flush!
Gato: Nuclear Rain!
Haman's Joker is pinned between falling bombs and bursts of mega particles, taking her out.
Four: Dammit! How'd they get so powerful?
Camille: Burning Shockwave Rider!
Judau: Hyper Saber Cutter!
A flame-covered Zeta charges straight into Diamond as blades of beam energy rip through it, finishing her off.
Amuro: Nu Funnel Cannon!
Scirocco: Trio The O Combo!
The-O begins slashing Elle's Club with three sabers as the fin funnels perform a Death Star-style combined blast. Exit Club.
Allenby: Ah . . . heeheehee . . . truce?
Seabrook: Yeah, right! Crossbone Slayer . . .
Domon: . . . combined with Sekiha Tenkyoken!
A big, X-shaped ki blast melted Spade quickly, ending the game. In the real world . . .
Camille: Gee, does this mean we get back in the bar?
Char: And don't have to put up with your bragging anymore?
Scirocco: Sounds like a plan to me! To the bartender!
They run off, leaving the frustrated girls.
Girls: . . . Kill . . .
Kou: Um . . .
They snarl at Kou, and he hides under the nearest bed.
To Be Continued . . .
The background is black. Suddenly, lights come up, revealing the Pub's gambling group, sitting in tall chairs like Stalker.
Amuro: Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to make a public service announcement.
Char: In the past few weeks, you've seen Kou Uraki and Mark Currant attempting to get the better of us, and sometimes succeeding.
Camille: In the interest of fairness, we wish to express our concern with these developments and to provide you with the truth.
Scirroco: The truth is: G-Saviour sucks. And Gundam 0083's characters suck. And they suck mightily. They suck more than all the sucking that goes on inside the Playboy mansion. It's almost an insult for them to have the word "Gundam" anywhere near them.
Heero: G-Saviour is a hackneyed Canadian excuse for a sci-fi movie. And 0083 is simply a sad imitation of an American action film using Gundam as a setting.
Shiro: Neither of these films have any real plot. If you want to watch a Gundam series with plot, watch anything that we appear in.
Domon: The fact is, neither of these guys have the brains to walk and chew guy at the same time, let alone outsmart us. Here's what would really happen if Kou tried to trick us.
Kou walks in, carrying a brown paper bag which probably contains dog poo. Gato grabs him by the lapels.
Gato: MY GOD MAN, HIRE SOME DECENT WRITERS! (He bitch-slaps Kou, then pushes him onto the ground, face-first into his own bag).
Domon: As for Mark . . .
The camera pans slightly, revealing Mark locked in a pillory with Amuro, Camille and Heero brandishing wooden hazing paddles.
Char: So please, ladies and gentlemen, say "no" to plotless tripe.
This message has been brought to you by the GnBS - Fandom Isn't a Right, It's a Privelege.
The members of the G-Pub all clap as they watch their commercial aired on International television on the Gundam Planet Network.
Char: Man, I looked good!
Amuro: Rrright . . .
They all go to the game room to practice, but notice that the dancing machines are gone and the simulation pods are back.
Scirroco: Hey! I thought I shipped these back!
Camille: How the hell are these machines back?
Domon: And where are our games?
Voice: Ahem.
The guys turn towards the voice and see several familiar figures . . .
Heero: The Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance?
Four: That's right! Garma used his family influence to get rid of those lame music games and bring back the real one.
Scirocco: But I banished them to Hoboken, New Jersey!
Garma: Nothing is impossible for money! Hahaha!
Relena: We challenge you to a match, and the loser has to leave the bar for good!
Allenby: And no cheap tricks! This is going to be a real fight!
Seabrook: . . . So says the girl with the GameShark.
Allenby: That's it, we fight NOW!
Gundam Fight all set; Battle Stage: Shinjuku, Neo-Japan. Ready . . . GO!
The match begins with the guys standing near the Diet building.
Domon: This is definitely not good. As easily as we can whip Kou's group, the Shuffle Girls are the real threat.
Char: Right. No tricks this time. We're going to have to put up the best fight ever.
Amuro: Pair off! Domon and Gato are a team. So are Char and Seabook, Shiro and Judau, and Scirocco and Heero. That leaves Camille and me.
Shiro: And here they come!
The radar lights up with five blips. Out of the ruined buildings burst the GP01, Guncannon, G-Savoiur, Kaempher and Gyan. The fighting was intense, but still wasn't much of a battle. A Double God Slash bisected the Gyan, the Ez8 and FAZZ ripped through Guncannon, G-Saviour was dismantled by The O and Wing Zero, and Crossbone X1 distracted the Kaempher so Sazabi could impale it.
Char: Blame this on the misfortune of your birth, Garma!
Kou: You may have beaten my teammates, but you still have to fight them!
Standing on top of the Diet building, the Shuffle-Ko Gundams had been watching the proceedings the whole time. Angrily, Camille finishes Kou off.
Camille: Perfect, we were just being tricked into wasting our energy with those losers. Now we have to deal with them.
Char: Hit them with everything you've got, NOW!
Quite an impressive sight; simultaneously, everyone fired their most powerful weapons. Wing's twin buster, Zeta and Nu's hyper mega launchers, FAZZ's high mega cannon, Sazabi's mega particle gun, God's Sekiha Tenkyoken and Physalis' atomic bazooka while Ez8, Crossbone and The O gave support fire with their beam rifles. But out of the massive smoke cloud came . . .
Girls: Shuffle Royal Flush!
The Shuffle Gundams transformed into glowing comets and combined into one massive burst of power that surged right through the guys' MS. They remained standing as the girls' Shuffle Crests appeared in the air, then caused a giant explosion, taking them out. Five minutes later, outside the bar . . .
Amuro: We lost.
Judau: WE lost?!
Heero: We LOST!?
Domon smashes a garbage can into pieces.
Domon: DAMMIT! As long as they have those powers, we can't beat them, and we've even been kicked out of the bar! Now there's nothing we can do about it!
Voice: Oh really?
From the shadows appears . . .
Domon: Oh my God! It's that ninja again!
Shwartz: It's me, you idiot!
Domon: Oh yeah, Shwartz Bruder!
Camille: Where have you been?
Shwartz: Me and Solid Weasel visited fanfiction heaven where he played some Five Card Draw with Revolver Zero, AmuroNT1, necropenguin, and the rest of the contributors to this story . . .
Char: Biter.
Schwarz: That's a fine attitude to take with the man who's going to help you regain face and get you back into the pub. Only through my leadership can you hope to defeat that alliance founded on perversion and fueled by estrogen.
Guys: . . . Wha?
Schwarz: (Sweatdropping) Let me teach you how to beat the girls up.
Guys: Oh!
Some days later, Schwarz had lead the guys out to the Guyana Highlands. They were still muttering and being PO'ed.
Amuro: What's the point of this trip, anyway? The fact that they're Shuffle Alliance now means we can't hold a torch to them.
Schwarz: Are you giving up that easily? Watch this!
In a quick, fluid motion, Schwarz throws a fist-sized rock straight between Amuro's eyes. It hits with a soft THUNK and the other guys wince, but all that's there is a small bruise.
Schwarz: For a legendary soldier and powerful Newtype, you're giving up awfully early. What keeps you from using your powers outside of the Hi-Nu Gundam?
Amuro: Because I need some kind of psycommu device to enhance my brainwaves.
Schwarz: What about Iron Mask Ronah? He could do a full Darth Vader Force- choke and you're much stronger than him. Besides, I threw that rock with all my strength. Why didn't it leave more than a little mark?
All: . . .
Schwarz: We're out here so you men can learn how to truly master control of your new Mobile Fighter Gundams. Through rigorous training, you will be able to defeat them, Shuffle crests or no.
Time lapse: a montage of clips plays as "Eye of the Tiger" blares in the background. The guys undergo the typical training regimen: standing under waterfalls, punching into buckets of heated sand, meditation, hanging upside-down, and balancing on top of trees. The montage ends as we see Heero, suspended from a tree by ropes and tied up with only his right hand free. Schwarz is pulling him backwards to build up momentum.
Schwarz: Ready?
Heero: Yes!
Domon: Alright, here we go!
Simultaneously, Schwarz throws Heero forwards as Domon throws a similarly suspended boulder right at him.
Heero: Take this!
He stabs the boulder with his extended forefinger, and they both stop in the middle, motionless. Suddenly, the other guys, who were sitting off to the side, speak up.
Shiro: What does this have to do with training?
Schwarz: . . . Nothing, I just saw it in Ranma 1/2 and I thought it looked really cool.
The other guys facefault. Suddenly, the boulder crumbles into dust. Everyone looks on in shock.
Heero: . . . I think my finger is broken.
Finally, the training was finished. The guys were grouped outside the plane, getting some final advise from Schwarz.
Schwarz: I'm very proud of all of you. You've managed to achieve a new level of skill and power through this training. Now, go take back the bar and prove the superiority of the Y chromosome!
Guys: Zuh?
Schwarz facepalms, then raises his other fist in a salute.
Schwarz: Guys rule.
Guys: YEAH!
They march off to the plane, cheering, woofing and Tim Allen-barking as Schwarz sighs and follows them.
Back at the bar, the Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance were preparing to enter the game for some training.
Elle: Well, here we go again. What simulation do you wanna' do this time?
Garma: How about the Tragedy in Jaburo setting?
Four: Sounds good. (Aside to the other girls) Why are we hanging around with these losers?
Haman: Cannon fodder.
Relena: And Rain's working on hiding hologram generators in their MS that make them look like ours, for decoys.
Four: Good reasons.
The simulation begins, outside of Jaburo, complete with "Ai Senshi" playing in the background. After a couple minutes, nothing has happened.
Kai: What's going on? Usually the Zeon forces show up by now.
A Gaw carrier appears overhead and opens its bay doors, releasing ten familiar MS . . .
Girls/Kou's Guys: THEM!
Amuro: We're not going to lose this time.
Camille: We've trained way too hard to be defeated by posers like you.
Char: Come at us, if you want to lose!
Kou: Hah! Prepare to eat the dirt again!
As Kou charges, the rest of his men shrug and follow him. Without moving, the guys start firing their vulcans and machinecannons, ripping the five MS into scrap.
Girls: . . .
Allenby: Vulcans can do THAT?!
Four: Who cares? We can still beat these losers down. Ready?
Domon: Not so fast! First, we have to show you our new special technique.
Girls: Special technique?
The guys all close their eyes and let out low hums of concentration. In a burst of light, their MS transform and begin glowing gold.
Elle: Hyper Mode?!
Relena: They're still not good enough! HEART BREAK SLASH!
Shuffle Queen rushes towards Wing Zero with its sword drawn, only to have the blade caught in one of Zero's hands.
Heero: I'm not going to go easy on you women anymore.
He flicks Relena's MF away with ease.
Heero: Shiro, let's go!
Shiro: Right! Impresive Vulcan Storm!
Heero: Grand Angel Cyclone!
Wing Zero flaps its wings, creating a massive wind column that sweeps Queen into the air, where the Ez8's assault blows it up.
Haman: You! Take this!
She launches her funnels, only to have Char control them and crash them into the water.
Char: Well, you're next. Beam Shot Flush!
Gato: Nuclear Rain!
Haman's Joker is pinned between falling bombs and bursts of mega particles, taking her out.
Four: Dammit! How'd they get so powerful?
Camille: Burning Shockwave Rider!
Judau: Hyper Saber Cutter!
A flame-covered Zeta charges straight into Diamond as blades of beam energy rip through it, finishing her off.
Amuro: Nu Funnel Cannon!
Scirocco: Trio The O Combo!
The-O begins slashing Elle's Club with three sabers as the fin funnels perform a Death Star-style combined blast. Exit Club.
Allenby: Ah . . . heeheehee . . . truce?
Seabrook: Yeah, right! Crossbone Slayer . . .
Domon: . . . combined with Sekiha Tenkyoken!
A big, X-shaped ki blast melted Spade quickly, ending the game. In the real world . . .
Camille: Gee, does this mean we get back in the bar?
Char: And don't have to put up with your bragging anymore?
Scirocco: Sounds like a plan to me! To the bartender!
They run off, leaving the frustrated girls.
Girls: . . . Kill . . .
Kou: Um . . .
They snarl at Kou, and he hides under the nearest bed.
To Be Continued . . .