Hey You. Pink Floyd.
Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.
Sandy shuffled paperwork. This waiting was making him nervous. He was the attorney, his client was supposed to be the nervous one not him. Yet sitting here waiting for Ryan to arrive was nervewracking. His meeting with Ryan's new probation officer had gone fairly well, now he had to straighten out a few final things with Ryan. A time had been set for a meeting with a judge this afternoon. The probation department was hopeful that he could get released today, depending on the counselor's report. Counseling? How had they gotten Ryan to agree to that? Sandy was still surprised. Amazed even. He did think it was a good idea in the long run, but he wasn't sure if forcing Ryan to do anything would be possible. For a kid who appeared to agree to most suggestions, Ryan had a way of still doing his own thing in his own way. To your face, he'd agree- but somehow things just didn't work out the way they were planned.
Deep in thought, Sandy didn't hear the initial noises of incoming guard and inmate. He startled and looked up to see an exhausted Ryan standing in front of him.
A "Hey" was uttered as Ryan dropped into the seat across from him. Body language was a definite don't ask, won't talk mode.
Sandy looked intently at him. He appeared exhausted and worn out, but it was definitely Ryan. But it was a Ryan that wouldn't look at him. After a moment Sandy gave up on a personal response and found the counseling agreement in his stack of papers. He slid it across the table towards Ryan. "First, let's talk about this, Ryan. I think it's a good idea for you. I've already discussed it with Kirsten, and we're willing to go along. It'll still be up to you though." Sandy sighed, "Come on Ryan, you have to talk to me. I'm not just your attorney; I'm also your guardian. I want whatever is best for you, but I have to know what you want." Sandy reached out for Ryan, but just wasn't surprised when he twisted out of his reach and turned away from him. As Ryan turned away, Sandy dropped his head. Sandy still felt guilty. He should have stopped this before it got this far, he should have been available. He was the attorney, he should have been able to fix it. As Ryan's guardian he wasn't doing such a hot job of guardianship, was he? Sandy sat there for a moment tapping his pen against the table. This wasn't going well, and he knew if he didn't fix it and fix it good he'd be in deep shit at home. "OK, I spoke with your PO, he thinks we can get you home this afternoon. We have some more paperwork to straighten out and a court date this afternoon. But it's basically all set; you'll be back in Newport by dinner tonight."
Across the table, Ryan dropped his head in his hands. He swallowed deeply several times, finally clearing his throat to speak. "Yeah, well, that counseling stuff..they have this guy here. We talked." He turned in the chair so he was facing towards Sandy. His fingers were busy poking at the scratches on the table; his eyes followed his fingers, never looking up. "I agreed. But I changed my mind." Ryan finally looked up, looking Sandy in the face for the first time. "I'll stay with Dawn. I thought about it, I need to do this with my family. I can't go back with you, back to Newport."
Sandy leaned back, surprised. He'd had a long discussion with the probation officer this morning. He knew the requirements of the agreement. He knew Ryan knew those same requirements. They were spelled out in the agreement. Dawn was not part of the package; counseling had to be with the Cohen's or at Youth Authority. His mind tried to follow Ryan-speak., tried to figure out what Ryan really meant to say and why. He stood, paced the room. A guard peered in, brought to attention by the sudden movements. Sandy waved him away. Ryan went back to deciphering scratches in the table. Sandy paced.
Mumbling to himself, Sandy tried to think this through. Ryan's phone message for Seth last night. The counselor's ultimatum. Ryan's aversion to opening up. Ryan's idea of going back to Dawn and back to Chino. Ryan's tendency to push people away, his fear of losing control. Ryan, family, Atwoods, Cohens. Sandy stopped mid pace. He stopped and stared at Ryan. It was beginning to make sense, he thought.
"You really think it's that easy? You can just drop this family? Go back to Chino and pick up your life where it was before?" Sandy leaned over the table in front of Ryan. "It won't wash, things change. Your life changed the night you helped Trey steal a car and *you* *can't* *go* *back* Do you really think this is just about you now?"
Ryan pushed himself back in response to Sandy coming closer. Outside the room, attracted by the sudden movements and raised voice, two guards were now intently watching.
Sandy came around the table to stand in front of Ryan. "Look, I know what the agreement is. I know you can't stay with Dawn." Sandy stepped back, shocked as Ryan leaped up. For as slow and deliberate as he usually moved, Ryan in motion could be explosive.
Ryan reached the end of the room and spun around towards Sandy. He opened his mouth, realized he couldn't say what he wanted to say, what he thought he had to say. He didn't want to need anyone. He wanted self sufficiency, self reliance. He'd been let down too many times, the easiest way to deal was to push them away first, before anyone got hurt again. He thought of his blood family. This morning's message with its new problems. He twisted again, towards the wall. Unable to respond verbally, he lashed out with his fists against the only solid object available, the wall.
Already on high alert, guards raced into the room, slamming him towards the floor. Intent on his problems, Ryan reacted without thinking, struggling to get free. At the first sign of resistance, the guards escalated their response. Ryan responded to force the only way he knew how, he fought back. It was a short quick struggle, the two trained guards overpowering the young man. Ryan however continued to fight, his persistent effort a lost cause. Finally getting him handcuffed, the guards allowed Sandy to approach.
As Sandy came near, Ryan collapsed, all fighting ceased. Held upright only by the guards on his arms, he hung his head. Sandy reached for Ryan but was stopped by the guards, "If you still want to speak to him. We can handcuff him to the table. Otherwise we have to take him back. Handcuffs have to stay on though." The second guard added "We have to tell the counseling department too."
Sandy waved back towards the table. "Please, leave him here. I'm not done with him." He sadly watched as Ryan's handcuffs were attached to the table, anchoring him in place. Ryan himself had shut down, showing no reaction.
Sandy stared at Ryan. Ryan stared at the floor. The floor, well it was a floor. So it just was. The clock ticked, time passed. And the staring continued.
Sandy spoke, his voice quiet and sad. "I don't get it. You have a life with us; we want you in the family. We're willing to help you get through this. But I still don't get why you keep pushing us away. Seth.Seth is devastated by the current situation and then your message last night. He felt abandoned by someone he thought of as his brother.."
Ryan was spaced out. Ryan had stopped being there during the scuffle with the guards, he most definitely was not aware of Sandy's monologue directed at him. He was thinking of this morning, the hallways of Orange County Juvenile Hall.
"Hey, man- you Atwood?" The voice reached out to him as he traveled the halls.
"Yeah, who's askin'?"
"Don't matter, I got a message for you. S'posed to tell you AJ sponsored Trey for NLR. Trey sent it down- leave Newport one way or another and get back to Chino. He wants his brother back in with his family."
***********************************************************************A/N California Youth Authority (CYA) in Chino is the birthplace of the Nazi Low Riders (NLR), a gang with ties both in and out of prison. Noted for their ruthlessness, they are motivated by both racial hatred and profit. New members are recruited and mentored by senior members. They are closely tied with the Aryan Brotherhood. **********************************************************************
Sandy gave up talking. Ryan wasn't listening, nothing he said got through. He had expected Ryan to be changed by his night in Juvie, but this went past anything he imagined. Already feeling guilty over his role in Ryan's incarceration, working with a nonresponsive Ryan made him feel worse. Working with a Ryan that exploded in anger made his guilt meter hit the roof. A paperwork error was turning into losing a part of his family. And it came down to it was *his* fault. He needed to fix it, quickly. More paperwork and time before a judge were the next steps. Without input from Ryan it was possible but not as easy. Hopefully getting Ryan home with his family, with his Cohen family, they could work out any other problems.
Sitting back in his chair, Sandy observed Ryan. Sandy's mind wandered, remembering past Ryan encounters. A thought traveled through Sandy's mind, a memory of similar behavior. Anger, with no physical outlet. But, that involved Dawn, and Dawn hadn't visited Ryan. No one had yet. Ryan had mentioned his family and going back to Chino. Maybe it was worth investigating. It was all he had to work with so far, he might as well run with it. This would need input from the probation department. It was time to meet the infamous counselor that actually got Ryan to agree to talk. Sandy grinned, that was one person he really wanted to get to know.
Hey look- It's not Pink Floyd!
Blind Faith. Can't Find My Way Home
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home
Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.
Sandy shuffled paperwork. This waiting was making him nervous. He was the attorney, his client was supposed to be the nervous one not him. Yet sitting here waiting for Ryan to arrive was nervewracking. His meeting with Ryan's new probation officer had gone fairly well, now he had to straighten out a few final things with Ryan. A time had been set for a meeting with a judge this afternoon. The probation department was hopeful that he could get released today, depending on the counselor's report. Counseling? How had they gotten Ryan to agree to that? Sandy was still surprised. Amazed even. He did think it was a good idea in the long run, but he wasn't sure if forcing Ryan to do anything would be possible. For a kid who appeared to agree to most suggestions, Ryan had a way of still doing his own thing in his own way. To your face, he'd agree- but somehow things just didn't work out the way they were planned.
Deep in thought, Sandy didn't hear the initial noises of incoming guard and inmate. He startled and looked up to see an exhausted Ryan standing in front of him.
A "Hey" was uttered as Ryan dropped into the seat across from him. Body language was a definite don't ask, won't talk mode.
Sandy looked intently at him. He appeared exhausted and worn out, but it was definitely Ryan. But it was a Ryan that wouldn't look at him. After a moment Sandy gave up on a personal response and found the counseling agreement in his stack of papers. He slid it across the table towards Ryan. "First, let's talk about this, Ryan. I think it's a good idea for you. I've already discussed it with Kirsten, and we're willing to go along. It'll still be up to you though." Sandy sighed, "Come on Ryan, you have to talk to me. I'm not just your attorney; I'm also your guardian. I want whatever is best for you, but I have to know what you want." Sandy reached out for Ryan, but just wasn't surprised when he twisted out of his reach and turned away from him. As Ryan turned away, Sandy dropped his head. Sandy still felt guilty. He should have stopped this before it got this far, he should have been available. He was the attorney, he should have been able to fix it. As Ryan's guardian he wasn't doing such a hot job of guardianship, was he? Sandy sat there for a moment tapping his pen against the table. This wasn't going well, and he knew if he didn't fix it and fix it good he'd be in deep shit at home. "OK, I spoke with your PO, he thinks we can get you home this afternoon. We have some more paperwork to straighten out and a court date this afternoon. But it's basically all set; you'll be back in Newport by dinner tonight."
Across the table, Ryan dropped his head in his hands. He swallowed deeply several times, finally clearing his throat to speak. "Yeah, well, that counseling stuff..they have this guy here. We talked." He turned in the chair so he was facing towards Sandy. His fingers were busy poking at the scratches on the table; his eyes followed his fingers, never looking up. "I agreed. But I changed my mind." Ryan finally looked up, looking Sandy in the face for the first time. "I'll stay with Dawn. I thought about it, I need to do this with my family. I can't go back with you, back to Newport."
Sandy leaned back, surprised. He'd had a long discussion with the probation officer this morning. He knew the requirements of the agreement. He knew Ryan knew those same requirements. They were spelled out in the agreement. Dawn was not part of the package; counseling had to be with the Cohen's or at Youth Authority. His mind tried to follow Ryan-speak., tried to figure out what Ryan really meant to say and why. He stood, paced the room. A guard peered in, brought to attention by the sudden movements. Sandy waved him away. Ryan went back to deciphering scratches in the table. Sandy paced.
Mumbling to himself, Sandy tried to think this through. Ryan's phone message for Seth last night. The counselor's ultimatum. Ryan's aversion to opening up. Ryan's idea of going back to Dawn and back to Chino. Ryan's tendency to push people away, his fear of losing control. Ryan, family, Atwoods, Cohens. Sandy stopped mid pace. He stopped and stared at Ryan. It was beginning to make sense, he thought.
"You really think it's that easy? You can just drop this family? Go back to Chino and pick up your life where it was before?" Sandy leaned over the table in front of Ryan. "It won't wash, things change. Your life changed the night you helped Trey steal a car and *you* *can't* *go* *back* Do you really think this is just about you now?"
Ryan pushed himself back in response to Sandy coming closer. Outside the room, attracted by the sudden movements and raised voice, two guards were now intently watching.
Sandy came around the table to stand in front of Ryan. "Look, I know what the agreement is. I know you can't stay with Dawn." Sandy stepped back, shocked as Ryan leaped up. For as slow and deliberate as he usually moved, Ryan in motion could be explosive.
Ryan reached the end of the room and spun around towards Sandy. He opened his mouth, realized he couldn't say what he wanted to say, what he thought he had to say. He didn't want to need anyone. He wanted self sufficiency, self reliance. He'd been let down too many times, the easiest way to deal was to push them away first, before anyone got hurt again. He thought of his blood family. This morning's message with its new problems. He twisted again, towards the wall. Unable to respond verbally, he lashed out with his fists against the only solid object available, the wall.
Already on high alert, guards raced into the room, slamming him towards the floor. Intent on his problems, Ryan reacted without thinking, struggling to get free. At the first sign of resistance, the guards escalated their response. Ryan responded to force the only way he knew how, he fought back. It was a short quick struggle, the two trained guards overpowering the young man. Ryan however continued to fight, his persistent effort a lost cause. Finally getting him handcuffed, the guards allowed Sandy to approach.
As Sandy came near, Ryan collapsed, all fighting ceased. Held upright only by the guards on his arms, he hung his head. Sandy reached for Ryan but was stopped by the guards, "If you still want to speak to him. We can handcuff him to the table. Otherwise we have to take him back. Handcuffs have to stay on though." The second guard added "We have to tell the counseling department too."
Sandy waved back towards the table. "Please, leave him here. I'm not done with him." He sadly watched as Ryan's handcuffs were attached to the table, anchoring him in place. Ryan himself had shut down, showing no reaction.
Sandy stared at Ryan. Ryan stared at the floor. The floor, well it was a floor. So it just was. The clock ticked, time passed. And the staring continued.
Sandy spoke, his voice quiet and sad. "I don't get it. You have a life with us; we want you in the family. We're willing to help you get through this. But I still don't get why you keep pushing us away. Seth.Seth is devastated by the current situation and then your message last night. He felt abandoned by someone he thought of as his brother.."
Ryan was spaced out. Ryan had stopped being there during the scuffle with the guards, he most definitely was not aware of Sandy's monologue directed at him. He was thinking of this morning, the hallways of Orange County Juvenile Hall.
"Hey, man- you Atwood?" The voice reached out to him as he traveled the halls.
"Yeah, who's askin'?"
"Don't matter, I got a message for you. S'posed to tell you AJ sponsored Trey for NLR. Trey sent it down- leave Newport one way or another and get back to Chino. He wants his brother back in with his family."
***********************************************************************A/N California Youth Authority (CYA) in Chino is the birthplace of the Nazi Low Riders (NLR), a gang with ties both in and out of prison. Noted for their ruthlessness, they are motivated by both racial hatred and profit. New members are recruited and mentored by senior members. They are closely tied with the Aryan Brotherhood. **********************************************************************
Sandy gave up talking. Ryan wasn't listening, nothing he said got through. He had expected Ryan to be changed by his night in Juvie, but this went past anything he imagined. Already feeling guilty over his role in Ryan's incarceration, working with a nonresponsive Ryan made him feel worse. Working with a Ryan that exploded in anger made his guilt meter hit the roof. A paperwork error was turning into losing a part of his family. And it came down to it was *his* fault. He needed to fix it, quickly. More paperwork and time before a judge were the next steps. Without input from Ryan it was possible but not as easy. Hopefully getting Ryan home with his family, with his Cohen family, they could work out any other problems.
Sitting back in his chair, Sandy observed Ryan. Sandy's mind wandered, remembering past Ryan encounters. A thought traveled through Sandy's mind, a memory of similar behavior. Anger, with no physical outlet. But, that involved Dawn, and Dawn hadn't visited Ryan. No one had yet. Ryan had mentioned his family and going back to Chino. Maybe it was worth investigating. It was all he had to work with so far, he might as well run with it. This would need input from the probation department. It was time to meet the infamous counselor that actually got Ryan to agree to talk. Sandy grinned, that was one person he really wanted to get to know.
Hey look- It's not Pink Floyd!
Blind Faith. Can't Find My Way Home
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home