Change My Mind

Introduction

Tom was quietly shutting the door to Anita's apartment, not wanting to wake her. And yet… he wanted her to wake up. He wanted her to wake up, to see him, and to talk to him, to convince him that his fears were irrational. But nothing happened. He managed to leave the bedroom without her hearing. And, from then on, he knew that she would not hear him. He had taken one last look at her, sleeping, her hair fanned out on the pillow, and had almost changed his mind. But he had convinced himself he was doing the right thing.

He knew that, inevitably, he would end up getting hurt. He wanted to protect himself from that, but, more than anything, he wanted to protect Anita. He wanted more than anything to keep her from being hurt. And, if he had found another solution, he would have taken it. But… he could think of nothing else. For some reason, unknown to him, Anita seemed to love him. She had wanted him to come to America with her. But, although her enthusiasm had over-ridden his fears for a time, over the past week, he had come to realise that, when they inevitably broke up, it would hurt him more than ever. And it would hurt Anita too. And whilst he could handle being hurt, he didn't know if she could. She was stronger than he, but he had had more experience in life. He had been hurt in the past. She, being younger, had probably not. And he did not want to be the first man to break her heart.

He would never be able to live up to her. He was an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic, and he was twenty-five years older than her. It was not a fairytale romance. He knew that. He had known it from the outset, which was why he had never asked her to stay for him, and why he had never planned to go with her. But then he had let his selfish heart rule his mind, and had followed her to America. But, when he had woken up from the dream that he had been living, that they had been living, he had faced the reality. The reality that it would not last. He was enough guarantee of that.

So, whilst she had been out, he had placed his belongings in a suitcase, hidden it by the door, and waited for her to come home. He had pretended to her that everything was fine. He just wanted her to be able to deal with this as calmly as possible. And, in his mind, that meant alone. He would let her find out that he had gone when she was by herself. She would be able to deal with it in her own way. And he could deal with it in his own way. But… what was his way?

*~*~*

Ric was sitting at his desk, not feeling the need to go home. There was no one for him there. There was no one for him in the hospital either, but at least he was not alone. There were sounds – people were there. It was the same sort of philosophy as turning the television on just to have the background noise. Safety.

He just wanted to think. About everything – about Leo, about his new job, about the gambling, about Diane. He was tackling the problems one by one. Leo, first. He was saddened that his son had done that to himself. What father wouldn't be? But then, he still believed Leo's accusatory statement that it was his own fault. Zubin and Jess had both told him that he had done nothing wrong. But he couldn't believe that. Because he had not been there for Leo when he needed him the most. It was true. He had just thought about Leo's education, about his physical well-being. But he was going to change that. He had talked to him, they had had a father and son chat, not just the usual "how's school?" discussion. And it was a start.

Another start was his job. He had wanted to be clinical director for so long, believing that he could do a better job than Tom. Well, he probably could. But it was daunting. He had honestly not expected it… he had never expected Tom to leave, no one had. But, this was what he needed. What he needed to get his life back on track. He could immerse himself in the job, and forget all about gambling. And all about the reason that he had started gambling. Diane.

When she had moved back to Holby, he had almost managed to convince himself that they could just pick up where they had left off. He had thought that Diane agreeing to come back meant that she was regretting her decision. And, although he had been engaged to another woman at the time, when that had gone wrong, he had assumed that she would be there for him. And she was. But not in the way he wanted. She was only offering friendship – which he took. Because surely, to be friends with her was better than nothing? Besides, he knew her better than she knew herself. One day, she would realise what they had was special. But until then, he could barely cope with seeing her all over other men. He just wanted her to be happy. But he would have preferred it if she was happy with him.

*~*~*

Diane was lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come. She had been lying there for hours, it seemed. And all she could do was think, think over what had happened recently. So much had happened to her over the past few months. It had been little more than a year since she moved to Holby, and yet it felt like a lifetime.

The events that were uppermost in her mind… well, there were a few. Alex. Images of him were spinning around in her mind. Alex crying in the hallway, Alex nervous before his operation, Alex cradling a gun… These were not the acts of a stable man. She knew what people had thought about their relationship, but the rumours were untrue. She and Alex had just been friends. More than that? Well, she could not deny that she might have been tempted. But it would have been meaningless. She had never felt anything more than friendship for him. She had fancied him, but he was her friend, and she never would have jeopardised that. But, being friends, that meant talking. It meant telling your friend what was going on in your life. She knew that she had kept details of her own life private, but she had hoped that Alex had told her everything. And he hadn't. He had left without telling her. And that hurt.

And then… she was remembering some of the incidents that she had kept from Alex. Mainly, that was her pregnancy. The termination. The fact that she had been too scared to even keep her own child. Not a baby, she had told Ric. Well, if it was not a baby, what was it? She had just been so – terrified. And now, she wanted to forget all about it. She was just grateful that she had had someone to help her through. Ric.

And there was the most important event. She had met Ric again. That had taken some courage. Always quite a proud person, it had taken every ounce of strength that she possessed to walk into his office. But she had done it. And, being Diane, she had not just timidly walked into his office when he was there. He had found her sitting in his chair, her feet comfortably on his desk, looking as though she belonged there. And, after spending a year with him, as a friend, she had come to the conclusion that she had started as she meant to go on. She did belong with him. He was there for her, and she was going to be there for him when he needed her as well. She knew how he felt about her, she knew that he would have been perfectly content to take more than she was giving him, but she was not ready for that. Not yet. Maybe… maybe one day.

*~*~*

Anita was sleeping peacefully, oblivious to it all.