Chapter Six
"What the hell was that?" Ed demanded, as Diane let him go.
She didn't say anything, embarrassed and unsure of how to explain her behaviour away. She couldn't explain it to herself; it had been a spur of the moment action, not encouraged by Ed, but by Ric, by her irrational feelings.
Ed stood up, breathing deeply. "Diane, what was that for?" Maybe he had enjoyed it. Maybe he had had a crush on Diane ever since he first saw her. Maybe he could have had feelings for her recently. Maybe he liked her more than he had ever liked Chrissie. Maybe he had hoped, just a little bit, that she might one day have thought along the same lines. Maybe.
"It was…" She paused. "I don't know. I'm sorry."
He sat down next to her again. "You've really got it bad for Ric, haven't you?" he asked, gently. This was not about him. However much he might have wanted it to be about him, it wasn't. She was upset, he could see that. And he had been there; he had been the nearest thing. It hurt him to think that he was just disposable, but he didn't dare dwell on that for long. This was about Diane.
"No," she said feebly. If she said it enough, it might become true. She felt the lump in her throat dislodge itself, and suddenly she was overwhelmed with sobs, her body shaking. "I – I don't know why I'm crying…"
He put an arm around her again. "You're allowed to cry." He stroked her hair back gently. "If you're in love with Ric, why don't you tell him?"
"I'm not in love with Ric!" she insisted. It sounded unconvincing even to her, so she tried to justify it. "I'm not in love with him. I love him, of course I do, he's my best friend. But I don't love him, not like that. Not…" She paused, trying to explain. "How did it make you feel when you saw Chrissie with Owen?"
Ed was startled at her sudden change of direction, but gave heed to her question. "I… slightly jealous, I suppose." He paused. "Because, even though I didn't love her really, it was hard to know that I'd had a chance with her and lost it."
Diane nodded. "And, even though you didn't love her, you still missed her, and a part of you wanted her back?"
"Yeah." Ed smiled in understanding. "Were you and Ric ever…?"
"A long time ago." She smiled sadly. "I messed it up. And you don't get second chances in this life."
*~*~*
Anita glanced at her watch. One o'clock? "I should go," she told Ric, standing up somewhat reluctantly. She had enjoyed herself – she hadn't expected to, but she had. And he had seemed to as well. He had been a bit down at first, but he had soon cheered up… although it had been annoying that he had spent most of the evening talking about Diane Lloyd.
"Why, what time is it?" Ric asked. He had been enjoying himself. Anita was good company – at the back of his mind, he knew that it was because she was an awful lot like Diane. But he was ignoring that thought.
"One. They'll be kicking us out soon." Anita picked up her bag. "This has been fun."
"We should do it again sometime," Ric suggested, as they walked outside.
Anita paused, awkwardly. Yes, it had been fun. She couldn't deny that she was tempted to agree, it would be fun to go out again, talk… but… she wasn't looking for anything remotely like a relationship. She was living with Tom, she was in love with Tom, she was pregnant with Tom's child, and that was as complicated as she wanted her love life to get. But Ric was obviously waiting for an answer, so she settled for a simple, "Hmm, yeah."
"Don't sound so enthusiastic, will you?" he joked, slightly hurt. He was reminded even more of Diane, with her jokes about how he wasn't good at relationships, how he shouldn't try and advise people on what to do in their own relationships… As Anita looked guiltily at him, he noticed that her eyes weren't as blue as Diane's. He shook his head slightly, trying to forget about Diane. She didn't love him. She didn't want him. He couldn't have her.
Anita smiled uncomfortably. "No, no, I mean… sure. Tomorrow? Same time?" Part of her was cringing. Why was she doing this?
"Great." Ric wasn't too sure why he'd asked her. He wanted Diane. If it came to a choice between Diane and Anita, Diane would win. He loved her. Anita was… pleasant, she was attractive, she was interesting to talk to… but she wasn't Diane. She wasn't the woman that he loved. But… there's always a 'but'. Diane didn't love him. She would never have agreed to a date. She flirted with him occasionally, normally when she wanted him to give in to her. But then… she flirted with everyone. She flirted with Zubin, with Ed, with Alex… He sighed. Diane was a dream; he wanted her, but would never have her.
Anita fumbled in her bag for her keys, and was taken by surprise when Ric spoke again. She had thought that he had gone. "What's your phone number?" he repeated, as she looked at him blankly.
She scribbled her number down on a piece of paper quickly, and Ric looked at it in some confusion. "Isn't that Tom's number?"
"Yeah, I – I'm staying with him." It was the truth. So why did she feel guilty for telling him? Maybe it was talking about Tom when she was with another man.
"Oh." Ric looked slightly confused. "Okay." He decided not to ask why. It was probably safer.
Anita opened her car door. "I'd invite you back to mine for coffee or something, but I don't think Tom would be too pleased."
Ric laughed. "I can understand that." He kissed her, and walked off, leaving her slightly stunned. She hadn't expected that.
*~*~*
Anita shut the front door quietly behind her, not wanting to disturb Tom. She put her bag down, and was just about to go upstairs when she heard a voice.
"Have fun?" Tom asked, trying not to look as jealous as he felt.
Anita jumped violently. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded, shocked.
"Asking a polite question." He shrugged. "So, did you have fun?"
"Yeah. It was great, actually." She watched the hurt expression flicker over his face and felt guilty. "Y'know, even my mum stopped waiting up for me when I turned eighteen," she teased, trying to change the subject.
"I wasn't waiting up for you. I was… reading." Tom gestured vaguely towards a book sitting on the coffee table.
"Hmm." Anita decided not to tease him any more. She was tired, and, to be perfectly honest, not in the mood to have a long discussion. "Well, see you in the morning." She stumbled slightly in the dark, and grabbed onto the banister to save herself from falling.
"Are you drunk?" he asked her.
She whirled around to glare at him. "No!" He looked as though he believed her, but she wasn't going to let him off that easily. "How could you think I'd get drunk?"
"I just asked…"
"Do you think that I don't care about this baby?" She glared at him again, and he looked away. "I don't need alcohol. I'm not you." A pang of guilt hit her as she shouted that, but she ignored it, and stalked off, annoyed.
*~*~*
"Have fun last night?" Diane asked Ric, noticing that he looked tired.
"Yes, thank you." He glanced at her, unsure of whether or not to mention Ed. "Did you?"
"What? I didn't do anything." She shrugged innocently.
"You and Ed Keating? Outside?" he suggested, wanting to find out what was happening.
Diane looked uncomfortable. "Oh. That." She didn't want to think about it. She had embarrassed herself and Ed, she had probably lost a good friend, and, to top it off, it hadn't helped at all. "It was nothing. Just… y'know. Sometimes these things happen."
"Oh. Right." Ric decided not to pursue it further. Heat of the moment, was it? Diane and Ed… he had never seen them as a possible couple before. Maybe because he had never believed Diane could love anyone but him.
"So… you and Anita?" Diane prompted. She wanted to know if it was serious. If it had just been two friends going out for a drink. Or if it had been the start of a relationship.
"It was enjoyable." Ric smiled at her.
Diane looked at the floor, concentrating on her shoes. Don't cry, don't cry. As long as you don't cry, everything will be alright. "So… are you serious about her?" What sort of morbid curiosity was making her ask this? She didn't know.
"I went on one date with her." Ric shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think so." He paused. "It's more just… casual."
"Oh." What a wonderful comment that was. She had never felt so awkward in all her life. The only question that leapt into her mind was "Are you seeing her again?", which she didn't want to ask. Firstly, it was inappropriate. Secondly, she didn't want to know the answer. Well, she did. But she wanted to know that he wasn't going to see her again.
"Diane, if you want to know whether I'm seeing her again, just ask," Ric interrupted her train of thought.
"I didn't…" She trailed off. "You know me too well."
"I've known you a long time." He looked at her tenderly. He was about to say something more when Zubin came in.
Zubin looked between the two of them. "Oh. Am I interrupting a 'moment'?" he asked.
Ric glared at him. "No. I'll see you later." He walked out.
*~*~*
By the time that he arrived in the bar to meet Anita that evening, Ric was tired of Zubin and Diane's incessant questions. He had arrived earlier than her, so he ordered drinks, and went to sit down.
Ten minutes later, she arrived, and sat down, smiling. "Hey."
He handed her a glass of wine. "Have a good day?"
She put the glass down. "No… I don't… I can't drink." The same guilt as she had felt the previous night flooded her mind, as the taunts she had hurled at Tom came back to her. 'I don't need alcohol. I'm not you.'
"Why not?" he asked, curiously.
"It's…" She paused, not sure of whether to tell him. So far, only Tom knew. To tell Ric seemed like betraying him. And she had done enough of that already. She had been cruel to him; she had hurt him more than anyone could. She had taunted him about his alcoholism, she had broken his heart, she had gone out with Ric, and she had hurt him. She knew it. She could see it in his eyes. "Nothing," she finished, feebly.
"Are you sure?" He was concerned.
"It's nothing to worry about." That was true. It wasn't anything for Ric to worry about. Even if she worried about it, was none of his business. She stood up. "I'll get myself another drink." She walked over to the bar, and leant against it, holding onto a stool for support, feeling scared. Scared of what? She didn't know. She just felt lonely.
"Hey," Ric greeted her, as she sat back down with a glass of Coke. "It's not that you're worried about being unhealthy then," he teased.
She shrugged apologetically. "I get drunk really easily," she lied. "It's embarrassing."
He laughed. Suddenly, unbidden, an image of Diane appeared in his mind. 'You always used to be able to hold your liquor.' He shook his head to rid himself of the image.
"Are you alright?" Anita asked, as she saw him shaking his head.
He smiled. "Sorry, I just…" He laughed self-consciously. "It was nothing. So…" He paused, unsure of what to say. "How was your day?"
Nearly an hour later, Ric put down his fourth empty glass. "Do you want to come back to mine for coffee or something?" he asked, slightly drunk.
Anita, still sipping her first glass of coke and not drunk in the least, laughed. "Subtle."
"What?" he queried.
"No… nothing." She smiled innocently. Coffee… well, according to Tom, that was off-limits as well. Ric was going to think she was odd, refusing to drink anything. But… refusing, that would be rude. "Sure," she replied, awkwardly.
When they arrived back at Ric's, Anita sat down uncomfortably on a kitchen chair and shook her head when he asked if she wanted coffee. "No. I can't drink coffee…"
"Do you drink anything?"
"Only if I get really thirsty," she joked.
He smiled. "Tea? Water? Milk?" he offered.
"Tea, yeah, sure." She shrugged.
"So… why don't you drink coffee?"
"It's complicated… y'know."
"You're pregnant," he stated.
"Well… sort of." How did he know? Did she look pregnant? "How…?"
He smiled. "Well, you're not drinking, and you keep touching your stomach."
Anita looked down to see that her hand was rested on her stomach. She smiled. "I didn't realise I was doing it." She turned serious. "Ric, please don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't," he promised. "Have you told Tom?"
"Of course! That's why I'm living with him… I wouldn't do it otherwise, because… well…" She stopped abruptly.
"You love him and it hurts you too much," he finished.
She glanced at him in shock. "How did you…?"
He smiled. "Anita, I know what it feels like, to love someone and not be able to have them. And I know what it looks like."
She smiled sympathetically. "Diane?"
"Yeah." He sat down.
Anita sighed. "I suppose we might as well call this a day. It's not gonna work out, is it?"
He put an arm around her. "No, it isn't." He paused. "I'm sorry."
"So'm I."