Lost
~*~*~*~*~*~*
I don't know what's happened to me. I used to be so strong...so independent. Things have changed. They have changed beyond reason. Life was so good to me. I had a good job, good friends, and I had her. That's all changed now. I look at my reflection in the mirror and I don't see myself. I see someone with a gaunt face, someone who constantly vomits, someone who doesn't have the strength to eat. What has happened to me?
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Earlier that month…
She walked in that day. She was so bright and cheery. I don't think I ever saw her that cheerful. Then, I saw why. I saw the medium-sized diamond ring on her left ring finger. I swallowed hard. I just. . . I couldn't believe it. The idiot finally proposed. I thought I saw it coming, I honestly did. What was I preparing myself for all these weeks for anyhow? I have no idea. The emotional impact hit harder than I thought it would. As Congratulations were being said and whispered, I stood there and it felt like my feet were cemented to the ground. I could not move. I could not blink. I felt paralyzed. Remembering the prescription my doctor gave me that I had tucked in my pocket for later that afternoon, I rushed out of the door. I sat in my car for who knows how long. I just sat there, silently weeping for lost efforts. When I felt emotionally stable again, I headed for the pharmacy.
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away
I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more (so much more)
Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?
I probably broke some laws, but I arrived at the pharmacy. I quickly handed the man my prescription and he filled it. I took the bottle and read the label: Take two twice a day without food. Guess now is as good as ever to start. I pop two elliptical yellow pills into my mouth and dry swallow them. A tranquil feeling washes over me. Oh, maybe I can handle talking to Mac now. I drive back towards JAG headquarters.
"Harm!" she greets me. "I was looking all over for you. Look!" She flashes me her left hand. Truthfully, she pretty much shoved her hand in my face. I feign a smile and congratulate her.
"I'm sure Brumby will be very happy." She quirks an eyebrow up. Not acting like myself. I flash her one of my grins and say, "After all, he's taken a very good prize off the market." She smiles.
"Flyboy."
"Jarhead." It almost seems like old times. It almost seems like things are back to normal. It almost seems like she's not engaged. It almost seems like my heart isn't cracking like an ice skater on thin ice. I hear the edges of my heart crack. I feel it work its way inward. It almost seems like I should be happy again. I head into my office and notice that my right hand is quivering and my left hand is fiddling with the prescription bottle in my pocket. I remove it and I place it in a drawer, popping two into my mouth and down it with some coffee. As much as I know that I could possibly do some damage to myself that could be irreversible, I have to. I need that feeling. The pain is too strong.