Change My Mind

Chapter Nine

Zubin looked up from his book as Ric and Diane came in. "Where did you two get to yesterday?" he queried.

Ric and Diane exchanged a look. "What do you mean?" Ric asked.

"Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come for a drink, but by the time I'd got to your office, Ric, the two of you had scarpered," Zubin replied.

Diane shrugged. "Well, you know how it is. At the end of a day in this place, you don't exactly want to hang around, do you?"

"True," agreed Zubin. He turned back to his book.

"What are you reading now?" Ric questioned, feigning interest.

"It's…"

"Another love story, I bet," Diane put in, smirking at Ric. "I'd never have thought you'd be so fond of stories like that, Prof."

"It's not technically a love story," Zubin replied, holding out his book. "Emma, by Jane Austen."

Diane raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes?"

"Like I said, it's not technically a love story, but at the end, Emma does get married – to a man who's a good deal older than she is."

Ric laughed, putting an arm around Diane. "Zubin, stop hinting. We get the message."

"Hinting? Moi?" Zubin looked innocent. "Who said I was hinting at anything?" He paused. "What do you mean, you get the message?"

"We get the message," Diane repeated, smiling.

"Thank you, that's a lot clearer, I'm glad you explained," Zubin told her sarcastically, dodging as she playfully kicked out at him.

"Well, I would have thanked him," Ric told Diane, "But I don't think he'd understand." She laughed and shook her head, causing Zubin to look on in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"We'll leave you to work that out," Diane said, grinning, as she dragged Ric from the room. "I think we've got patients to see."

Zubin sat on the desk for a few more minutes, thinking, until suddenly his expression cleared, and he began to laugh. "Did they mean…?" He smiled. "Well, I'm glad they finally realised."

*~*~*

Anita put her bag down next to her desk, and sat down, hoping that people would leave her alone. She had paperwork to do, patients to see, and tears to cry. Unfortunately, she didn't get her wish. She had only just picked up some forms to fill in when there was a knock on the door, and Diane entered.

"Hi, I just thought I'd come to see if you were alright, after yesterday," she said, slightly awkwardly.

Anita smiled. "Thanks… I'm fine."

"You've been crying," Diane commented, looking at Anita shrewdly.

"No, no… I haven't." Anita looked away, trying to hide her red eyes.

Diane sat down, a sudden thought hitting her. "You didn't… I mean, the baby… you're still…?"

Anita placed a hand on her stomach protectively. "I'm still pregnant, if that's what you mean. I didn't lose the baby. You were there, you know that."

"I thought maybe… after you left, I don't know, something could have happened." Diane shrugged. "So… what made you cry? Do you want to talk about it?"

Anita sighed. "Nothing happened."

"Is it Tom?" Diane didn't believe Anita; something must have happened to make her look like that.

"Diane, I said nothing happened…"

"And I didn't believe you. Did you have an argument with Tom? Is it because he didn't turn up last night?"

Anita nodded slightly. "Well… no. It's more to do with… everything."

"Everything?"

Anita sighed, resigning herself to explaining it all to Diane. "Well, I yelled at him because he wasn't there, he was in the bar with Ed. And then, when he got home – at about four o'clock in the morning, by the way – I apologised, and… well, to cut a long story short, I moved out."

"You moved out?" Diane repeated. "Why?"

"I think it was something to do with being hurt." Anita fiddled with her pen, trying not to look at Diane. "I don't know. It was a stupid idea. Now I'm still hurt, and I'm homeless as well."

Diane hid a smile. It wasn't funny, but the way Anita put it did sound humorous. "Well…" she hesitated, knowing that she would probably regret this the moment the words were out of her mouth. "You can stay with me for a bit… if you want… I mean, if…"

"Are you sure?" Anita asked, dubiously. It sounded like a good idea… well, sort of. But hadn't it just been the previous day that they'd been having a slanging match in the middle of Keller ward?

"Yeah," Diane decided. It couldn't be that bad. Besides, she couldn't leave Anita homeless. She was… well, not a friend. But she was a friend of Ric's. That had to count for something. And she was pregnant. That counted for a lot. "I've got a spare room, and I'd feel ever so guilty if you had to stay in a hotel or somewhere."

Anita smiled. "Thank you, then." She paused. "Will Ric mind?"

"Ric? What's he got to do with it?"

"I saw the two of you in his office last night," Anita said, her tone hinting that she wanted to know all the gossip. Anything to take her mind off her own disastrous love life. She sat forward eagerly, waiting. "What happened?"

"The usual," Diane replied, casually.

Anita stuck her tongue out. "Such as…?"

"Why are you so interested, anyway? I'd have thought you wouldn't want to know, having dated Ric and everything." Diane shrugged. Although, part of her liked the idea of telling Anita everything… as well as the opportunity to tell it to someone other than Jess, who simply said she didn't want to know about her father's love life, she sort of liked the idea of letting Anita know that she had won this one. She had got Ric and Anita hadn't. Although, from the looks of things, Anita wasn't bothered at all.

"I pretty much take responsibility for whatever happened," Anita explained.

"What? How?"

Anita smiled. "Well, I convinced Ric that he should go after you. I told you that he loved you…"

"What?" Diane exclaimed. "Love? At no point in our conversation…"

"Argument," Anita corrected her.

"Argument then. At no point did you say that he loved me!" Diane stood up, looking slightly flustered. "He loves me? Oh God."

"What's the matter with that?" queried Anita. "I'd have thought you'd be pleased. You like him, don't you?"

"Love… oh God, why didn't you say?" Diane shook her head. "How do I fix this one?"

"Diane, what's the matter with him loving you?" Anita was honestly confused.

"You're the psychiatrist, you work it out." Diane looked down at her hands, and sat down again. Anita was still looking at her blankly, so she continued. "Look, why… why don't you want to be with Tom?"

"Because it hurts," Anita replied simply.

"Precisely. When you love someone, they can hurt you like hell. I don't want that responsibility. That worry." Diane fiddled with her keys, avoiding Anita's eye. "Maybe I should just…"

Anita interrupted her. "You'd be willing to break up with Ric just because you might get hurt? That's ridiculous!"

Diane shot her a look. "I couldn't do it, not now… he wouldn't hurt me, I'm sure, it's just scary…" She paused for a moment, smiling as she thought of Ric. "But, Anita… Remind me again, why aren't you and Tom together?"

"That's entirely…" Anita trailed off, blushing. "Fine, it's similar. Slightly." Why did it seem wrong for Diane to be so afraid of being hurt, and yet it was perfectly fine for herself? The answer came to her almost at once. Ric would never hurt Diane. Tom… well, Anita wasn't so sure.

*~*~*

Tom arrived late, and Ed attacked him the moment he walked through the door. "Tom! Where were you?"

"At home." Tom sighed, not wanting to explain.

"Your shift started an hour ago!" Ed exclaimed. "Did you oversleep?" He glanced at Tom curiously. "You've not been drinking again, have you?"

"No, no, I haven't." Having not slept at all, Tom didn't even have the energy to raise the anger that he normally would have felt at such an insinuation. He sat down at his desk and sighed. "What are we doing today?"

"Nothing if you're looking like that," Ed replied promptly. "I'd advise you to wake up before you start fiddling around with people's hearts."

"I am awake." Tom tried desperately not to yawn.

Ed shot him a look. "Really?" He paused, remembering Tom's frantic expression the previous day. "Have you had another argument with Anita or something?"

Tom turned away. "Yeah." He felt oddly as though he was going to cry if he said anything more.

"What happened?" Ed asked, oblivious to how much his idle questioning hurt his friend.

"She moved out." Tom sighed. "She can't trust me, so she moved out."

Ed was shocked at the defeat he heard in Tom's voice. He'd never heard him like that, not even in the darkest times of his alcoholism. "I'm sorry," he said feebly, knowing that his words were meaningless.

"So am I." Tom leaned back in his chair. "God, I've screwed up."

"Tom, it'll work out, you love her, she loves you…" Ed babbled.

"She told me that whenever she looks at me, all she can see is someone who abandoned her." Tom sighed heavily. "I'm not going to get her back. I've lost her for good now. I thought I might have had a chance, when she came back…"

"She came back for you, you mean a lot to her…"

"She didn't come back because of me. She came back because she lost her job and because she's pregnant." The words tumbled out, and Tom heard them in horror. He'd never meant to tell Ed that.

"She's pregnant?" Ed repeated, shocked. "God, Tom, why didn't you say something?"

"What could I have said? How could you have helped?" Tom demanded bitterly. He knew it was unfair to take his anger out on Ed, but he was there, he was the easiest victim.

"Tom, I've been there. I've seen someone I love be pregnant and not be with me. It hurts. I know." Ed felt the familiar depression wash over him as he thought of Chrissie's pregnancy, of Amanda, of the chance that he had missed.

"This is different." Tom didn't want to notice the similarities. Because if he did, then he would really be admitting that there was no hope. Because Chrissie and Ed had just been a fling… no feelings. Not on Chrissie's side. And Tom didn't dare admit that he was afraid that Anita was the same as Chrissie. Did she love him? Had she ever loved him?

"Tom, I'm not saying that your situation, your relationship, I'm not saying that was the same." Ed was perfectly aware of Tom's train of thought. "I'm just saying that I know something about having to be on the sidelines whilst someone you love is pregnant. I know that it hurts. Especially if you want to be involved."

"I missed my chance," Tom replied, dejectedly. "She went to Mubbs with stomach cramps yesterday and I didn't go to see her."

"Did she…?" Ed didn't want to ask. The only thing was, if Anita had lost the baby, then the similarities were clearer than ever.

"No. But she thinks it means I don't care." Tom looked at Ed. "I promised her I'd be there if she needed me, and I wasn't." He slid down slightly in his chair, feeling his emotions overwhelm him. He leant his head in his hands as tears stung his eyes. Ed hadn't cried when Amanda died. Why should he cry over this? Ed had had a reason, and he had stayed strong. But then, Ed was a stronger person. He would never have let alcoholism, addictions, emotions, get the better of him.

Ed sighed. "Tom, don't let her call all the shots, take charge for once…"

"You don't understand Anita," Tom interrupted, his eyes full of tears. "She wouldn't let me… it wouldn't work. She's said what she wants. It's her choice."

"It doesn't have to be." Ed paused. "Tom, do you realise how often I've wished that I'd done more to try and change Chrissie's mind? I just sat back and let Owen have her. And I regret that now. You've still got a chance."

"I haven't. Ed, I broke her heart, I don't deserve another chance. She's given me so many chances that I've lost count. I've hurt her so badly it's a wonder she still speaks to me, and for some reason, she still loves me. I can't risk being taken back and hurting her again, ruining it again." Tom's voice quivered slightly, and he turned his face away so that Ed wouldn't see the tears falling down his cheeks.

*~*~*

Eek this is depressing! *sigh* Hm, only a few more parts to go now…