Chapter 38 - Childhood Scars
***********************************************
Snape watched Jane. The girl was clearly petrified - the fear was readily identifiable in her eyes. He felt nothing but relief at having found her, but could tell that she didn't share the same feeling of joy.
Still tense from his unexpected altercation with Malfoy, realising just how close they had come to disaster, Snape's words were harsher than he would have wished under the circumstances. "What on earth did you think you were doing?" He snapped.
Jane didn't respond.
"Come here!" He ordered.
Jane shook her head and backed away, preparing to run again.
Snape moved forward, and Jane retreated again, brandishing the stick in defence.
Snape stopped, realising the futility of his current approach, annoyed with himself for his foolish anger. If he wanted her back, she would have to forgive him, and for that to happen she would have to see that he was not only sorry for his anger, but that he was no longer angry. "Jane, please. I am sorry I overreacted." He tried.
Snape wondered if Jane was even listening to him, if it wasn't for the fact that she was staring at him wide eyed with fear, he would have thought she wasn't even aware of his existence. With a sinking heart he realised that Jane didn't currently inhabit the same world he did; the terrified girl was in another world he couldn't imagine, a world of fear and terror she had thought she was free from.
Fang barked at some movement, and he looked towards the hound and its master. In the time he looked away, Jane saw her chance, and bolted off into the darkness.
"Damn!" Snape cursed, following.
**********
Jane waited, on edge, wound up and ready to spring if she was given the chance. Fang barked at some movement, probably a forest animal, and Snape looked away. It was just the opportunity she needed. Turning quickly, she ran into the darkness, loosing her newly acquired shoes as she ran, praying he wouldn't find her this time, and that Malfoy really was gone.
Stumbling over a log she fell to her knees. Heart racing, she started to rise when she found herself face to face with Fang. In her terror, the hound looked like a monster. He growled, understanding that she was his quarry. He had caught her too, and he wouldn't let her go until his Master or the other one came and got her. That didn't help Jane calm down in the slightest.
Jane felt trapped. She realised she was about to be beaten. She still remembered the first time her father beat her, and she still wore the scars. She lowered herself back to the ground, unable to go on. It was hopeless. Curling up on the cold, wet forest floor, protecting her head as best she could, she shut out her surroundings and held her breath, waiting for the inevitable beating, and tried desperately not to cry again.
**********
"You little bitch, what did you think you were doing, running off like that? Like I don't have enough problems without you causing more!"
Jane felt the searing pain as a piece of wood hit her on the back of the legs. She bit her tongue and tried not to cry out. "Well girl, I am waiting for an answer." Whack, whack, whack. Jane couldn't answer him; she was biting her tongue too hard in an attempt not to cry. "Answer me!" He finally yelled, hitting her across the back of the head.
"Please." She whimpered before loosing consciousness.
**********
Snape moved cautiously towards Jane, curled up on the ground, under Fang's guard - the last thing he wanted to do was scare her into fleeing again. "Please." He heard her whimper.
"Jane?"
She didn't respond.
"Little one, please." He tried again, gently.
There was still no response.
Moving closer, he could see her trembling, her body twitching uncontrollably. Every now and then she would tense, then return to the trembling. Snape reached out slowly, not wanting to startle her. "Jane." Touching her, he felt her stiffen, and then a sob broke from her.
Not wanting to frighten her more, Snape drew back slightly to give her room. Patience had never been one of his strong points but he needed every bit he had at this moment. Sitting on the wet ground, he spoke gently, saying all the calming words he could think of to break into the child's dreams without having to touch her again. He would have laughed, in the past, had someone told him he would be sitting on the ground like this, speaking garbage in an effort to calm a Muggle child. Now, calming Jane was the most important thing in his world.
He didn't know how long he sat there, but when Jane finally stopped sobbing and opened here eyes, he smiled. "Jane, are you alright?"
**********
He was watching her - she could feel it. Turning over, she opened her eyes, and was surprised to find him sitting on the ground just beyond arms reach. She realised then that it hadn't been he who had been beating her - her most recent beating had been nothing more than the memory of her first. She wiped her eyes.
"Jane, are you alright?"
"Severus?" She asked confused, the intensity of her memories still swirling around inside her head clouding her perception.
"Yes Jane." He answered gently.
"Are you still angry? Please don't hit me." She begged.
The pleading quality of Jane's voice nearly broke the Potions Master's heart, and the thought that she was expecting him to hit her only increased his feeling of wretchedness. "I won't, I promise." He responded. "Is that why you ran? Because you thought I would hit you?"
Jane nodded slightly. "You said to get out." She accused softly.
"I didn't mean it and I am sorry. You startled me and I overreacted because I am unaccustomed to living in such close quarters with someone. Sometimes I forget that you aren't a threat." He explained. "I want you to know that I would never hit you. Never."
Jane nodded, almost understanding, almost believing. She desperately wanted to trust him. She wanted to trust him more than anything else. She was cold, wet, tired and lost. Her feet hurt. All she wanted was to be warm, dry and safe again if that was possible, or dead if it wasn't. He offered all of that, at least he had in the past, but could she trust him ever again?
She waited, watching him. Snape didn't move a muscle - he remained where he was, still, sitting on the ground, and watched her in return. Hagrid watched both and waited. It was an impasse that neither was prepared to break for fear of what would result. Being together wasn't easy, but being alone again, for both of them, would be far worse.
Watching him closely, Jane saw his weariness and wretchedness. It was clear that he blamed himself for what had happened, not her, and that he felt terrible guilt as a result. She continued to contemplate the man as he sat, unmoving, watching her with a look of unease on his face. Realising that he would not move in case she found it threatening, realising too that they may not yet be safe from the threat of the Death Eaters, Jane made her decision and sat up, before crawling towards him. "I'm sorry."
Snape opened his arms and Jane climbed into them with some trepidation, still concerned that he might punish her. When nothing happened apart from his arms closing gently around her, she knew for certain that she had chosen wisely, and she nestled closer into him, enjoying the meagre warmth that his slender body provided.
Knowing that Lucius was probably lurking somewhere nearby, Snape, now happily burdened with Jane's body, rose, and wrapping his cloak around the shivering girl, started on the long trek back to Hogwarts. Hagrid offered to carry Jane, aware of the Potions Master's own weariness, but Snape wasn't about to let her go. Not when he had come so close to loosing her.
**********
Jane slid out of bed and crept tentatively to the door of her room. Her feet still hurt from that morning's bare footed run though the forest. It was typical, she thought, that Malloy's magic would wear off. She should have known the blonde man couldn't be trusted.
Silently, she stood in the doorway and watched Severus. He was sitting quietly, not moving, staring morosely at the fire. His shoulders were slumped and there was a half empty glass of brown liquid in his hand - probably some weird type of wizard alcohol she decided. Even from across the room she could tell that he was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. It was also clear that he was still blaming himself for that morning's difficulties.
Jane knew that he still felt remorseful for his earlier anger, particularly considering the fact that it almost resulted in tragedy. He blamed himself, but she didn't. They had both overreacted, and she felt terrible because he seemed to be taking it so hard. Jane had realised, long ago, that the dark haired man suffered terribly from guilt, and while he had done a few things that he deserved to feel guilty for, this wasn't one of them. She wasn't sure she could make things better for him, but she had to try.
Moving quietly forward, she touched his shoulder gently. "I am sorry for what happened this morning. Please don't be sad. It is all right now. I know you would never hurt me, I guess I just kind of went back to when my father did. That is why I ran."
Gently taking the hand resting on his shoulder, Snape pulled Jane around the chair, until she was standing in front of him. He drew her onto his lap, and enfolded her in his arms. Realising, not for the first time, how small she was - barely larger than a first year student, anger grew in him at the deprivations she had been forced to survive. One day, someone would pay for that, if it were the last thing he would ever do.
"I'm sorry too." He smiled down gently. "I reacted badly. Before you came along, someone creeping into my bathroom would probably be trying to kill me, not help me." He explained.
Jane nodded, understanding the feeling of vulnerability well. The only difference was that she had never had a bathroom, and when she had, the threat she faced then was actually far worse than death. She had decided long ago that death was freedom - she might even get to be with her mother again if she was lucky, not that she had really ever been over endowed with luck.
Jane sat silently for a while, listening to the soothing sound of his heart beating, and happy to be safe again. "Severus?" She tried tentatively, not wanting to upset him, "The scars -," she paused, "did Voldemort do that, or did your father beat you too?"
Snape stiffened - he had known the question would come after she had seen him unrobed, but he still wasn't prepared to face the truth of his own childhood demons. It wasn't something he enjoyed being reminded of. He decided telling the truth would be easier in the long run. "Both, to a certain extent," he answered tensely. Thinking about her question, he looked down at her. "What do you mean 'too'?"
Silently, Jane slid from his lap and turned away from him. Reaching down, she pulled up her nightgown to reveal the healed scars on her back. They were similar to those he bore, and obviously resulted from the same type of punishment.
He gasped softly. "Your father beat you as well?" He asked shocked. He had never known she had been beaten as well as sexually abused. He would kill the man who did this!
Jane nodded, releasing her nightgown and turning around. "The first time was after my mother died. I ran away to find her because I didn't understand about death. When he found me, he beat me with a stick until I was unconscious."
"And that is why you were so scared when we found you earlier? You thought I was going to beat you too?"
Jane nodded.
Snape sighed. "You know I would never hit you."
"Yes, I do now." Jane answered quietly. "I guess I overreacted too. You just looked so angry. I had never seen you like that before."
Jane climbed back into Snape's lap and rested against his body. Holding her gently, he rubbed her back soothingly.
Appreciating his unashamed caress, knowing now of their shared childhood experience and that they were both fighting against the same scars both mental and physical, Jane decided it was finally time to tell him of the full horror of what her father had put her through. The nurse already knew, and now it was Severus' turn to know the truth too.
"Some times," Jane said very softly, "after my mother died, he would show me how much he loved me. He said he was lonely you see, with my mother gone. I didn't really understand. Then, if I cried he would punish me for complaining. He said he loved me and that he would punish me for not loving him enough to stop complaining. Of course, if blood from my wounds stained the bed sheets, he would beat me more. Then he would have to show me how much he loved me again to make up for the beatings." Jane paused briefly. "I really tried not to bleed and cry, but it was very hard." She finished simply.
Snape wanted to be sick. After that sensation left him he wanted to kill the man that had done this to his own daughter. No wonder her life on the streets had been preferable. Living through a cycle of beatings and rape would be enough to drive anyone away. He was amazed at how well adjusted she was, considering what she had been through. He hadn't coped anywhere near as well, and that had cost him dearly, and would continue to until the day he died.
***********************************************
Snape watched Jane. The girl was clearly petrified - the fear was readily identifiable in her eyes. He felt nothing but relief at having found her, but could tell that she didn't share the same feeling of joy.
Still tense from his unexpected altercation with Malfoy, realising just how close they had come to disaster, Snape's words were harsher than he would have wished under the circumstances. "What on earth did you think you were doing?" He snapped.
Jane didn't respond.
"Come here!" He ordered.
Jane shook her head and backed away, preparing to run again.
Snape moved forward, and Jane retreated again, brandishing the stick in defence.
Snape stopped, realising the futility of his current approach, annoyed with himself for his foolish anger. If he wanted her back, she would have to forgive him, and for that to happen she would have to see that he was not only sorry for his anger, but that he was no longer angry. "Jane, please. I am sorry I overreacted." He tried.
Snape wondered if Jane was even listening to him, if it wasn't for the fact that she was staring at him wide eyed with fear, he would have thought she wasn't even aware of his existence. With a sinking heart he realised that Jane didn't currently inhabit the same world he did; the terrified girl was in another world he couldn't imagine, a world of fear and terror she had thought she was free from.
Fang barked at some movement, and he looked towards the hound and its master. In the time he looked away, Jane saw her chance, and bolted off into the darkness.
"Damn!" Snape cursed, following.
**********
Jane waited, on edge, wound up and ready to spring if she was given the chance. Fang barked at some movement, probably a forest animal, and Snape looked away. It was just the opportunity she needed. Turning quickly, she ran into the darkness, loosing her newly acquired shoes as she ran, praying he wouldn't find her this time, and that Malfoy really was gone.
Stumbling over a log she fell to her knees. Heart racing, she started to rise when she found herself face to face with Fang. In her terror, the hound looked like a monster. He growled, understanding that she was his quarry. He had caught her too, and he wouldn't let her go until his Master or the other one came and got her. That didn't help Jane calm down in the slightest.
Jane felt trapped. She realised she was about to be beaten. She still remembered the first time her father beat her, and she still wore the scars. She lowered herself back to the ground, unable to go on. It was hopeless. Curling up on the cold, wet forest floor, protecting her head as best she could, she shut out her surroundings and held her breath, waiting for the inevitable beating, and tried desperately not to cry again.
**********
"You little bitch, what did you think you were doing, running off like that? Like I don't have enough problems without you causing more!"
Jane felt the searing pain as a piece of wood hit her on the back of the legs. She bit her tongue and tried not to cry out. "Well girl, I am waiting for an answer." Whack, whack, whack. Jane couldn't answer him; she was biting her tongue too hard in an attempt not to cry. "Answer me!" He finally yelled, hitting her across the back of the head.
"Please." She whimpered before loosing consciousness.
**********
Snape moved cautiously towards Jane, curled up on the ground, under Fang's guard - the last thing he wanted to do was scare her into fleeing again. "Please." He heard her whimper.
"Jane?"
She didn't respond.
"Little one, please." He tried again, gently.
There was still no response.
Moving closer, he could see her trembling, her body twitching uncontrollably. Every now and then she would tense, then return to the trembling. Snape reached out slowly, not wanting to startle her. "Jane." Touching her, he felt her stiffen, and then a sob broke from her.
Not wanting to frighten her more, Snape drew back slightly to give her room. Patience had never been one of his strong points but he needed every bit he had at this moment. Sitting on the wet ground, he spoke gently, saying all the calming words he could think of to break into the child's dreams without having to touch her again. He would have laughed, in the past, had someone told him he would be sitting on the ground like this, speaking garbage in an effort to calm a Muggle child. Now, calming Jane was the most important thing in his world.
He didn't know how long he sat there, but when Jane finally stopped sobbing and opened here eyes, he smiled. "Jane, are you alright?"
**********
He was watching her - she could feel it. Turning over, she opened her eyes, and was surprised to find him sitting on the ground just beyond arms reach. She realised then that it hadn't been he who had been beating her - her most recent beating had been nothing more than the memory of her first. She wiped her eyes.
"Jane, are you alright?"
"Severus?" She asked confused, the intensity of her memories still swirling around inside her head clouding her perception.
"Yes Jane." He answered gently.
"Are you still angry? Please don't hit me." She begged.
The pleading quality of Jane's voice nearly broke the Potions Master's heart, and the thought that she was expecting him to hit her only increased his feeling of wretchedness. "I won't, I promise." He responded. "Is that why you ran? Because you thought I would hit you?"
Jane nodded slightly. "You said to get out." She accused softly.
"I didn't mean it and I am sorry. You startled me and I overreacted because I am unaccustomed to living in such close quarters with someone. Sometimes I forget that you aren't a threat." He explained. "I want you to know that I would never hit you. Never."
Jane nodded, almost understanding, almost believing. She desperately wanted to trust him. She wanted to trust him more than anything else. She was cold, wet, tired and lost. Her feet hurt. All she wanted was to be warm, dry and safe again if that was possible, or dead if it wasn't. He offered all of that, at least he had in the past, but could she trust him ever again?
She waited, watching him. Snape didn't move a muscle - he remained where he was, still, sitting on the ground, and watched her in return. Hagrid watched both and waited. It was an impasse that neither was prepared to break for fear of what would result. Being together wasn't easy, but being alone again, for both of them, would be far worse.
Watching him closely, Jane saw his weariness and wretchedness. It was clear that he blamed himself for what had happened, not her, and that he felt terrible guilt as a result. She continued to contemplate the man as he sat, unmoving, watching her with a look of unease on his face. Realising that he would not move in case she found it threatening, realising too that they may not yet be safe from the threat of the Death Eaters, Jane made her decision and sat up, before crawling towards him. "I'm sorry."
Snape opened his arms and Jane climbed into them with some trepidation, still concerned that he might punish her. When nothing happened apart from his arms closing gently around her, she knew for certain that she had chosen wisely, and she nestled closer into him, enjoying the meagre warmth that his slender body provided.
Knowing that Lucius was probably lurking somewhere nearby, Snape, now happily burdened with Jane's body, rose, and wrapping his cloak around the shivering girl, started on the long trek back to Hogwarts. Hagrid offered to carry Jane, aware of the Potions Master's own weariness, but Snape wasn't about to let her go. Not when he had come so close to loosing her.
**********
Jane slid out of bed and crept tentatively to the door of her room. Her feet still hurt from that morning's bare footed run though the forest. It was typical, she thought, that Malloy's magic would wear off. She should have known the blonde man couldn't be trusted.
Silently, she stood in the doorway and watched Severus. He was sitting quietly, not moving, staring morosely at the fire. His shoulders were slumped and there was a half empty glass of brown liquid in his hand - probably some weird type of wizard alcohol she decided. Even from across the room she could tell that he was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. It was also clear that he was still blaming himself for that morning's difficulties.
Jane knew that he still felt remorseful for his earlier anger, particularly considering the fact that it almost resulted in tragedy. He blamed himself, but she didn't. They had both overreacted, and she felt terrible because he seemed to be taking it so hard. Jane had realised, long ago, that the dark haired man suffered terribly from guilt, and while he had done a few things that he deserved to feel guilty for, this wasn't one of them. She wasn't sure she could make things better for him, but she had to try.
Moving quietly forward, she touched his shoulder gently. "I am sorry for what happened this morning. Please don't be sad. It is all right now. I know you would never hurt me, I guess I just kind of went back to when my father did. That is why I ran."
Gently taking the hand resting on his shoulder, Snape pulled Jane around the chair, until she was standing in front of him. He drew her onto his lap, and enfolded her in his arms. Realising, not for the first time, how small she was - barely larger than a first year student, anger grew in him at the deprivations she had been forced to survive. One day, someone would pay for that, if it were the last thing he would ever do.
"I'm sorry too." He smiled down gently. "I reacted badly. Before you came along, someone creeping into my bathroom would probably be trying to kill me, not help me." He explained.
Jane nodded, understanding the feeling of vulnerability well. The only difference was that she had never had a bathroom, and when she had, the threat she faced then was actually far worse than death. She had decided long ago that death was freedom - she might even get to be with her mother again if she was lucky, not that she had really ever been over endowed with luck.
Jane sat silently for a while, listening to the soothing sound of his heart beating, and happy to be safe again. "Severus?" She tried tentatively, not wanting to upset him, "The scars -," she paused, "did Voldemort do that, or did your father beat you too?"
Snape stiffened - he had known the question would come after she had seen him unrobed, but he still wasn't prepared to face the truth of his own childhood demons. It wasn't something he enjoyed being reminded of. He decided telling the truth would be easier in the long run. "Both, to a certain extent," he answered tensely. Thinking about her question, he looked down at her. "What do you mean 'too'?"
Silently, Jane slid from his lap and turned away from him. Reaching down, she pulled up her nightgown to reveal the healed scars on her back. They were similar to those he bore, and obviously resulted from the same type of punishment.
He gasped softly. "Your father beat you as well?" He asked shocked. He had never known she had been beaten as well as sexually abused. He would kill the man who did this!
Jane nodded, releasing her nightgown and turning around. "The first time was after my mother died. I ran away to find her because I didn't understand about death. When he found me, he beat me with a stick until I was unconscious."
"And that is why you were so scared when we found you earlier? You thought I was going to beat you too?"
Jane nodded.
Snape sighed. "You know I would never hit you."
"Yes, I do now." Jane answered quietly. "I guess I overreacted too. You just looked so angry. I had never seen you like that before."
Jane climbed back into Snape's lap and rested against his body. Holding her gently, he rubbed her back soothingly.
Appreciating his unashamed caress, knowing now of their shared childhood experience and that they were both fighting against the same scars both mental and physical, Jane decided it was finally time to tell him of the full horror of what her father had put her through. The nurse already knew, and now it was Severus' turn to know the truth too.
"Some times," Jane said very softly, "after my mother died, he would show me how much he loved me. He said he was lonely you see, with my mother gone. I didn't really understand. Then, if I cried he would punish me for complaining. He said he loved me and that he would punish me for not loving him enough to stop complaining. Of course, if blood from my wounds stained the bed sheets, he would beat me more. Then he would have to show me how much he loved me again to make up for the beatings." Jane paused briefly. "I really tried not to bleed and cry, but it was very hard." She finished simply.
Snape wanted to be sick. After that sensation left him he wanted to kill the man that had done this to his own daughter. No wonder her life on the streets had been preferable. Living through a cycle of beatings and rape would be enough to drive anyone away. He was amazed at how well adjusted she was, considering what she had been through. He hadn't coped anywhere near as well, and that had cost him dearly, and would continue to until the day he died.