"You dropped this," Tom said, running up behind Anita, holding up a piece of paper. She slowed down and waited for him.
"Thanks." She slotted the piece of paper into the folder she was carrying, smiled at him and began to walk off. He hurried after her.
"You're in a hurry."
"I am."
"Where are you going?" he asked, wanting to get a longer answer. "Skiving?"
"No," she replied, half-laughing. "I'm going shopping. I've got a free afternoon and I wanted to get some things for the baby."
"Oh." He paused, feeling as though this might be his chance to help. "Do you want me to come with you?"
She looked at him. "Not really."
He sighed. "I know that you want to do this by yourself, Anita, but I care about you, and I care about this baby, and I would like to come with you."
"Well, I can't stop you coming." Anita placed the folders on Kath's desk, and turned back to Tom. She had to admit, she didn't want to do this by herself. It seemed almost weak to confess it, but she wanted someone to help her. "Come if you want," she told him, smiling as she saw how pleased he looked.
"Wait ten minutes, I need to explain to Ed that I'm going." He raced out of the room as Anita laughed. She was half-tempted to leave without telling him, but decided against it. So, when Tom returned, he found her sitting on Kath's desk. "Normal people sit on chairs," he teased.
"I know." She stood up. "So, what did you tell Ed?"
He looked awkward. "That there was a family emergency," he confessed. "Don't look at me like that, what was I meant to tell him?"
"The truth?" she suggested. She debated commenting on the fact that Ed had covered for Tom before, but decided against it. She didn't want to start an argument.
"Anita, there are only a few reasons that I could leave work in the middle of a shift. Surprisingly enough, shopping is not one of them," he teased her.
"Well, it should be."
*~*~*
"Diane!" Ed hissed, poking his head around the door of the ward.
"Ed? What's the matter?" Diane queried, seeing his serious expression. "I'll be with you in a moment, Mr Taylor," she told her patient, going to see Ed.
"I need to talk to you – and Ric, if he's anywhere about." Ed looked around.
"He's at the Hadlington, I'm afraid. What's the matter?" Diane took him into Kath's office and sat on the desk.
"It's about Tom…" Ed said, hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
Ed paused for a moment, feeling slightly guilty to even be thinking about discussing this with someone. It was none of his business. But then again, he felt that he should try and help Tom.
"Ed, get on with it, I've got a patient waiting." Diane smiled to show that she wasn't trying to be rude.
"Well… it's just… you're friends with Anita, aren't you?" He waited for Diane to nod, and continued. "Well… ah, this is, I probably shouldn't even be talking to you about this. But… well, Diane, is there any way you could try and talk to her, about Tom? Because he's really depressed about all this, and I think he might end up doing something stupid if Anita doesn't stop being so stubborn."
Diane sighed. "I know. Ric and I have tried to get her to talk… to him, to us, whatever. But she won't."
"Does she even realise what it's doing to Tom?" Ed sighed. "Diane, I've never seen him look so depressed, okay? He looked happier when he was dependent on alcohol. That's what she's done to him."
"It's not exactly easier on her either, you know." Diane shrugged. "I must say, Tom does deserve it. He left her."
"And she's been toying with him ever since. Diane, no one deserves that! He adores her, and she's just messing around."
"Maybe she doesn't know how else to deal with it!" Diane shot back at him. "Ed, we don't know the full story, you can't judge Anita like that!"
Ed sat down heavily. "Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Just… can you please try and talk to her? Because Tom's a good friend, and I don't like to see him in such a state." He didn't mention that he was afraid it might already be too late.
Diane heard the pleading note in Ed's voice, and softened. He did really care, Tom was his friend, and he wanted him to be happy. And they both knew what – or who – would do that. "I'll do my best. But Ed, it might not be good enough, no one can force them to be together, even if it is what they both want. As long as Anita's being stubborn and pretending she doesn't care, not even her friends can help her. I'm sorry. I know Tom's your friend, I know you want him to be happy, but Anita's my friend, I have to respect what she wants."
"Just… please, Diane, please try."
*~*~*
"This was fun," Anita said, brightly, as she unlocked her car.
"It was. Although I never pictured you as the maternal type," Tom commented.
"What do you mean?" Anita queried, leaning against the car.
"I just never thought you'd be one of those women who 'ah' over baby clothes," he explained.
"Is that a bad thing?" She pulled a small pair of shoes out of the bag and waved them at him. "How can you not think these are cute?"
"I didn't say that they weren't, I just didn't feel the need to squeal when I saw them," Tom laughed.
"Men," she sighed, pretending to be exasperated.
Encouraged by the way she had acted all afternoon, knowing that he should take this one chance, he leaned in to kiss her.
She pulled away, shocked and confused. "Don't… don't."
He looked hurt. "I thought you…"
She started gathering up the bags. "No. I don't want… I don't know what I want. Not this."
"Anita, you can't spend the rest of your life running away from me." He caught hold of her hand, as she was about to move away. "I made one mistake, Anita. One mistake. I got scared once, and ran. How can you say that I did something wrong when you're doing exactly the same?"
She wrenched her hand free. "It's different."
"Fine, I made the first mistake," Tom conceded. "And ever since then, you've been so set on getting revenge, or – or not letting yourself get hurt again, or, I don't know, something… and you're not even letting yourself admit it."
"Admit what?" she asked quietly.
"Admit that you wish you could swallow your pride and come back." He watched her face intently, convinced that he was right. And, as he saw the surprise in her eyes, he knew that he was.
"You don't…" She stopped abruptly, not able to contradict him, and not allowing herself to admit that he was right. "It's complicated."
"You think I don't know that, Anita?" He sighed, frustrated. "I know it's complicated, and I know it might be hard, but I think… we could make it work."
"It's not that easy." She avoided his eyes. "It's not a matter of just moving on, it's not just something we can work on, because…" Why not? Why wasn't it? She didn't know. "It's just not."
He took her hand again. "Anita, look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me, that you don't wish we could start over, that you don't think we have a chance. If you can do that, then I'll walk away, I'll go, and I'll not bother you again."
"I – I can't. But that's not… I just can't do this, not again. I can't let you hurt me again, I can't, I'm so sorry but I can't." She looked at him apologetically, and watched him walk away, dejectedly. She got into her car and felt tears fall down her cheeks. She didn't want to do this by herself. But she couldn't afford to let Tom back into her life. He had hurt her once before, what was to say he wouldn't do it again? And that would be worse. She didn't want to be hurt like that again, not ever.
*~*~*
Diane looked up anxiously as Anita entered the room, impatiently wiping tears from her cheeks. "Are you alright?"
"Fine." Anita threw her bag across the room and glared at Diane. "Do I look alright to you?"
"I was only asking, don't snap at me!" Diane defended herself.
Anita shook her head. "Sorry… I just…" She sat down. "It's really over this time."
"You've argued with Tom again, then?" Diane asked, casually.
Anita sighed. "He offered me a way back in, and I said no." She kicked out at the table, frowning. "Why am I so incapable of just getting on with my life?"
"Because you love him." Diane shrugged. "Anita, I don't know whether you realise this or not, but you're only hurting yourself doing this."
"I'm not." Anita shook her head. She was holding back because she didn't want to get hurt. This was to protect herself; she wasn't just doing it for the fun of it. She was doing it because, in the long run, it would be beneficial, for her, for the baby, and even, maybe, for Tom. Why couldn't Diane understand that, why couldn't Tom understand? Why couldn't it all be easier?
"You are." Diane got up to make a drink. "You want him back, don't you?"
"Eventually…" Anita shrugged. "Of course I do. I love him."
"Anita, if you keep pushing him away, then one day he's not going to come back. You need to wake up and accept that." Diane sighed. She didn't want to speak so bluntly, but she was starting to get frustrated.
Anita sighed. "I know. I just don't know how to fix it." It took a lot for her to admit that. "I don't know what to do to make it right. I want to, I really do want to, but I just don't know how."
"Talk to him," Diane suggested.
"Tried it."
"No you haven't. You've tried yelling at him, or having your say and walking out of the room. I mean talk to him, properly. Tell him how you feel." Diane was privately amazed that Anita needed this help. She was a psychiatrist, after all.
"It's hard." Anita stared at her hands, thinking. "I don't know how to start."
"Just… swallow your pride, and do it. If you don't, you'll regret it."
*~*~*
"No one with you today?" Rosie asked Anita, as she sat slightly nervously in the waiting room.
"No… just me." Anita smiled weakly. "Diane's in theatre, Ric's… well, I don't know, but he was busy." She had wanted one of them with her, they were no substitute for Tom, but it still felt better to have someone rather than no one. She couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness that had settled over her recently.
"And Tom…?" Rosie prompted. He'd tagged along to a few appointments recently, and Rosie had thought it was sweet how concerned he was for Anita and the baby.
"Doesn't know and doesn't care." That's not true and you know it, a little voice inside chided her. But she pushed it to the back of her mind, and smiled nonchalantly at Rosie.
"I'm sorry," Rosie replied, awkwardly.
"No, don't be, it – it was only ever a bit of fun, it just got out of hand." She forced the words to come, and squirmed inside at the enormity of the lies she was telling. She didn't know why she had to lie to Rosie, maybe it was something to do with the lies she was telling herself, maybe it was to do with the fact that she didn't think it was Rosie's business, maybe it was that she didn't want to tell anyone what she had done.
"That's the trouble about fun. It always goes further than you mean it to," Rosie commented, and Anita could have sworn that she saw her shoot a sideways glance at Mubbs.
She decided not to comment; her own life was so complicated that she daren't pass judgement on anyone else's. Instead, she followed Rosie through to the consulting room, and sat down.
"So, how've you been?" Rosie queried. This was a professional enquiry now; any further mention of Tom – or Mubbs – was unnecessary.
"Fine… a bit of nausea, but otherwise fine." Anita didn't mention that this was whenever she saw Tom; she always felt the nervousness creeping in. And she always felt sick after seeing him, after shouting at him, after seeing how much it was hurting him, hurting her. Stop thinking about him, she told herself. Stop it now. It's not doing you any favours.
Rosie smiled sympathetically at Anita. "Feeling a bit lonely?" she queried lightly.
Anita sighed. "No." It was the truth. She wasn't feeling a bit lonely. She was feeling a lot lonely and she didn't know how to stop it. Or rather, she knew how to, and didn't like the answer.
*~*~*
"Anita looks happier today," Ric commented to Diane, as they were driving home.
"Yeah, she's got a plan… that I'm not allowed to tell you about. I think she knows what she's doing now." Anita had told Diane her plans, but Diane had promised not to tell even Ric, in case they didn't work out.
"That's a relief then." Ric smiled brightly. He had been concerned about Anita – and not only Anita, but Diane as well. Having to live with someone who spent her time alternating between depression and anger couldn't be easy.
"It is. Hopefully she can get on with her life now." Diane sat back in her seat. "I'm tired."
"Hardly surprising, considering it's nearly midnight." Ric parked the car. "You can go straight to bed and to sleep now, if you want. Although I don't have to say that I'll be very disappointed if you do."
Diane giggled. "I would never have thought of doing that before you mentioned it." She faked a yawn, enjoying teasing him.
"Well, if you're that tired, maybe I should go," Ric teased her, opening the car door.
"I'm awake, I'm awake!" she said, smiling, grabbing hold of his hand to stop him leaving.
"So you won't object to me coming back with you then?" he checked, laughing.
"Not at all." Diane smiled. She fumbled for her keys, clumsily unlocking the door. As she stepped into the house, she looked around. "Anita?" she called. There was no reply, and she shrugged. "Probably talking to Tom."
"So that's her plan then?" Ric queried.
"I said I wouldn't tell, and I won't." Diane stuck her tongue out. Ric turned a pleading look on her, and she smiled. "No, I promised her!"
"Fine, fine. I'll have to ask her then." Ric sat down and Diane curled up next to him.
"You know she won't tell you." Diane paused. "Well, if it goes well, she'll probably be telling everyone," she corrected herself. She smiled at Ric's curious look. "I'm not telling."
"What, don't you love me enough?" Ric teased, stopping as he saw Diane's look. "What's the matter?"
She sat up. "We haven't actually said that yet, you know."
"Said what?" Ric looked a bit confused, and slipped an arm around her.
"You know… the L-word…" Diane hesitated.
Ric laughed. "Oh, that."
"Yes, that." She fiddled with a button on his jacket.
"I thought you knew how I felt, Diane. I love you." He looked at her gently.
She looked up at him, remembering what Anita had told her, remembering that it was ridiculous to be scared, remembering that she loved Ric so much, that she had cried at the thought of never being with him… "I love you too."
"You look terrified," he commented. "I won't hurt you."
"It's not you," she replied. "I'm not scared of you – I'm more scared of us. This, this relationship, getting hurt, anything."
"I think it's worth chancing it, don't you?" He pulled her closer to him.
"Of course it is… I love you, I couldn't let you go." She cuddled up to him. "Thank you for being so understanding."
*~*~*
A wave of black hair went un-noticed by Tom as he dejectedly made his way to his office before returning home. He ignored the sound of heels against the hard linoleum floor, and didn't notice when the clicking noise suddenly stopped. He pushed open his door. Seeing an envelope on top of a basket of files, he crossed the room to his desk. Picking the envelope up curiously, he didn't notice Anita standing in the doorway. She folded her arms, smiling. Tom slit the envelope open, and a small piece of paper fell out. He picked it up. It was a scan picture.
"Rosie says it's a girl," Anita announced.
He looked up. "Anita…"
"I'm sorry," she said, softly. "I've been being horrible to you. I – I'm sorry."
Part of him was convinced this was all a dream; Anita couldn't be standing in front of him, she couldn't be apologising, showing him a picture of their child… this wasn't real. "Anita…" he repeated, taking her hand.
"I shouldn't have said – what I did." She didn't want to recall what she had said, didn't want to go back over the memories, the heartbreak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I love you."
His breath caught in his throat as he heard the unexpected words. "You – you…" He cleared his throat and noticed that he felt as though he wanted to cry. "What are you saying?" he queried, after a few moments had passed in a tense silence.
Anita glanced at her hands, not trusting herself to speak for a moment. "I want to say that I'm sorry, that I love you, that I want you to forgive me, that I forgave you ages ago, that I want another chance… I want you back."
He took both of her hands in his. "Anita, I don't need to forgive you. You never did anything wrong, not in my mind."
She waited tensely for his answer; feeling as though her world would end if he wouldn't forgive her, give her another chance. "Please…" she whispered. She didn't want to beg for another chance, the plea came unwillingly, involuntarily.
Tom gently placed a hand on Anita's stomach. "A girl, eh?" She nodded wordlessly. "Let's hope she's as beautiful as her mother, then. Less of a heart-breaker, though."
Anita felt her heart racing, she was silently begging Tom for a straight answer. He didn't seem to notice how much this was tearing her apart, how much she needed to know his answer.
"You don't need a second chance, Anita." He kept one hand on her stomach, and drew her close to him.
"Why not?" she queried, laying her head on his shoulder and accepting what his answer was without him even saying so.
"You're still on your first. I'm the one who should be asking for another chance."
"You don't need to ask."
"I've been begging for the past three months, and you haven't said yes yet." He spoke lightly, but she knew that he was hurt.
"I'm sorry… I really am."
He smiled. "You don't have to be sorry." He paused. "I love you."
She felt tears coming to her eyes, and a smile spreading across her face. She saw her own emotions reflected in his eyes, and leaned in to kiss him. This was it.