The Face Of Every Kid
Hawkeye was sitting on the edge of his bed, hands jerking spasmodically. His pain filled blue eyes flicked back and forth rapidly, seeing things only he could see. Lips that moved in silence, holding one-sided conversations with invisible specters, replaced his teasing grin.
Trapper sighed. Hawkeye had been this way for three years now – he had spent a thousand days lost in his own mind. It was that bus incident, Trapper remembered, that planted the seed for Hawkeye Pierce's undoing.
After his return to the States, Hawkeye went home to Crabapple Cove, to find a surprise on his front porch. Trapper John McIntyre was waiting for him, hadn't forgotten about him after all. Trapper remembered seeing a flash of guilt in Hawkeye's eyes as he ran up the steps – sure, Trapper had left without saying goodbye, but Hawkeye hadn't tried to contact him. Perhaps he forgot, instead of the other way around.
Not saying a word, Hawkeye walked up to Trapper, who stood waiting, hints of a smile playing about his lips. Trapper remembered those first words as clear as if they had been said yesterday.
"Hi Trapper. Thanks for waiting."
That was all he had managed before Trapper caught him in a kiss. The rest is history.
And now, Trapper's friend and lover teetered on the edge of a cliff – alone. He blocked out anyone who tried to communicate, speaking instead with those who couldn't hear him. Night was the worst time.
Hawkeye's nightmares started about a month after his homecoming. He would toss and turn, muttering snippets of sentences, the muffled words working their way up into screams – for an unnamed baby, for Henry, Radar, Margaret, Trapper. He would jerk into consciousness, sweat dripping from his face, breath shallow and rapid, eyes wild. At first, Trapper was able to calm him down. But soon, he grew inconsolable, and would take to pacing about the house and yard.
When Hawkeye locked himself in his room, refusing to come out and face "all of them", Trapper called Sidney Freedman. Who sent Hawkeye to the Portland Mental Rest Home. After all his joking and teasing, Hawkeye Pierce landed himself in the laughing academy.
He was far from alone. He had a steady stream of visitors – visitors who left the room pale, frightened by the shadow of the lively, teasing man they knew.
But one day, he fell quiet.
He refused to speak, not meeting Trapper's eyes, ignoring the pleas from the people who loved him. He retreated further into his mind – and in doing so, shut himself off from everyone. He stopped screaming in the night. He just – stopped.
Trapper shook himself, a conversation suddenly flashing into his mind. He had been watching an interview with a M*A*S*H unit – the 4077th. He saw Hawkeye, saw how pale and lean he was, saw how vulnerable and frightened he looked. He remembered something Hawkeye said during that interview. The interviewer asked what Hawkeye would take home with him, what memories. Hawkeye's eyes had darkened as he replied. "That's easy. The face of every kid who's ever passed through here."
Trapper reached out to touch Hawkeye's shoulder, shuddering as he realized the other man didn't even notice his presence. "Do you, Hawk? Do you see those kids parading across your mind?" He sighed. "Of course you do. We all do. But why you more so…"
He stood, shaking his head. He didn't know how much longer he could stand seeing Hawkeye like this. If things didn't improve…his thoughts trailed off. How could he condemn the man he loved to death? But worse, how could he condemn him to this life – a fragile, shaky existence – hardly a life.
With one last look at his tortured lover, Trapper shut the door.
There! No one died! Please review.