----Ch 1
"Xu?" I spoke calmly into the intercom in the old Headmaster's office, as if nothing had changed.
"Yes Commander?" Cid had gone Hyne knew where after the Sorceress War, taking Matron with him. I didn't bother looking for them. They understood that the whole of Gaia wouldn't be happy seeing the formerly possessed woman walking free, even if she did no wrong. The job of heading Balamb was now passed on to me. Like I wanted it.
"Could you call Rinoa in for me?" Rinoa...the little princess. I shouldn't be angry at her, but I couldn't help it. Not that she'd notice. The girl wouldn't notice a ten foot tall Grendel standing on her foot if it said 'Excuse me'. But I can't hate her...she didn't make me forget.
"Yes Commander." I look up as Rinoa wanders in. She was still beautiful, after five years of knowing her. Most of Garden believes I don't love her. They're wrong...I just never loved her the way everyone wanted me to. She knows this as well as I did, but it was nice to pretend. Safer. But now...I had remembered.
"Squall? Are you all right?" I hadn't noticed I was rubbing the scar between my eyes until Rinoa spoke. I cleared my throat audibly, resting my hands on the edge of the giant oak desk that dominated this particular room.
"..." What should I say? 'I'm sorry Rinoa, I know we've been through a lot, but I can't love you the way you need me to. So... goodbye. I'm off to search for the only person in my life who has made me feel. You see... I promised. But I forgot; silly me! Now I've remembered.and I can't forget again.' Yeah.that'll work.
"You know, Squall, you have to talk to me if you want me to hear what you're saying." She smiles so sweetly, and I feel a twinge of guilt. I hate speaking, I can't say what I mean. I can never find the words I need when I need them. Why can't people just read my mind? Zell is the closest to doing that...even he needs me to speak sometimes. How am I going to do this?
"Rinoa..." 'I'm sorry Rinoa...for what I'm about to do to you. I hope you understand' "It's over." I don't know if I can look at her, but I have to. I watch impassively.
"I know. It has been for awhile, huh?" She smiles at me...why? Shouldn't she be screaming...or throwing something...or.. I don't know! I don't let this surprise get through though. I nod to her, mask in place, but I do sigh. She'll figure it out by that...right?
"..." She looks so sad, but she's smiling. How can she smile like that?
"Squall...we were never good for each other. It took you this long to figure it out? I love you Squall...you know that. But it takes two people for a relationship."
Is this really Rinoa? When did she get so damn perceptive? Last time I looked, she was whining that her dog didn't coordinate with her outfit. Poor Angelo; poor, blue-furred Angelo.
"Rinoa..." 'I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I thought...maybe if I could just pretend...', "I'm...not good with...talking." I hold up a hand when she starts to speak. She immediately stops. After five years, I guess she has gotten used to my little gestures, "I'm...sorry. For this." 'Hyne...why can't I just say what I MEAN. I'm sorry for hurting you Rinoa... I'm sorry for trying to protect you without understanding you were hurting all the more for it. I'm sorry for letting you down...for not being your knight. I'm sorry.' Why can't I just say it? My hands flail around the desk uselessly, rearranging papers and pens into a neater order.
"I know Squall. I'll be going back to Timber...the Owls have been asking me to lead them for awhile now." The Timber Owls...who would have thought the most inept resistance group in all of Timber would end up running the damn place. But Rinoa's heart always belonged to Timber. "I'll miss you Squall. I hope you find what you need," she's trying so hard not to cry...Hyne... Rinoa.. don't cry. I'm not worth crying over...but there. Tears. "But you'd better call me every week, or I'll sic Angelo on you!"
"..." 'I love you Rinoa...I just can't be in love with you' She's putting so much emotion into her words...so much strength. I was never that strong.
"I will. But I'll be out of contact for awhile." I give up trying to be stoic, my right hand drifts back to my face, tracing the memory that lay there. The only visible sign of my weakness., I can't help but call attention to it with my fingers, tracing the scar over, and over again. This is me...this is all I am. All he made me into...my fingers rub the raised line, it's slightly rough to the touch, a mocking manifestation of what I'm feeling right now.
Rinoa is watching the floor, hands clasped behind her back. She's thinking about something...it's so easy to figure out what she thinks about, she wears her emotions proudly. This time I'm unable to decipher them.
"..." 'I wanted to protect you Rinoa...I failed. I'm sorry.' She looks up, into my eyes, done questioning whatever it was in her mind. I could see the hurt and determination in her eyes, I caused that hurt.
"You're going off to find him, aren't you?" My eyes must have registered some surprise, though I was careful not to show it on my face.
"...?" 'You're smarter than I give you credit for Rinoa, how did you figure it out so easily?' "He told me, you know. Once...right before we went our separate ways. He wasn't in that TV station for me...he was there for you. Even if you didn't know. I thought...I thought you might like to know that." Rinoa walks around the desk slowly, trying not to show her pain. I knew it was there though...I knew it when she looked down at me and smiled, and I really knew it when she leaned down to hug me. I couldn't breathe...but I think that was deliberate. A small, sweet reminder of the pain she's feeling along with her forgiveness.
"You find him," Rinoa whispers in my ear gently. Her breath is warm against my skin, and I can smell that perfume she always wears. Rainwater and spring lilacs. "You find him, and you keep your promise." She steps back, allowing me to breathe again, nods once, turning her back to me. She leaves, on the verge of running, and I watch her go, silently promising her that I shall not fail in this, her last request of me.
I will not fail.
I cannot fail.
I have given my word, twice, and intend to keep it.
Who cares if it may be impossible?
"Xu?" I spoke calmly into the intercom in the old Headmaster's office, as if nothing had changed.
"Yes Commander?" Cid had gone Hyne knew where after the Sorceress War, taking Matron with him. I didn't bother looking for them. They understood that the whole of Gaia wouldn't be happy seeing the formerly possessed woman walking free, even if she did no wrong. The job of heading Balamb was now passed on to me. Like I wanted it.
"Could you call Rinoa in for me?" Rinoa...the little princess. I shouldn't be angry at her, but I couldn't help it. Not that she'd notice. The girl wouldn't notice a ten foot tall Grendel standing on her foot if it said 'Excuse me'. But I can't hate her...she didn't make me forget.
"Yes Commander." I look up as Rinoa wanders in. She was still beautiful, after five years of knowing her. Most of Garden believes I don't love her. They're wrong...I just never loved her the way everyone wanted me to. She knows this as well as I did, but it was nice to pretend. Safer. But now...I had remembered.
"Squall? Are you all right?" I hadn't noticed I was rubbing the scar between my eyes until Rinoa spoke. I cleared my throat audibly, resting my hands on the edge of the giant oak desk that dominated this particular room.
"..." What should I say? 'I'm sorry Rinoa, I know we've been through a lot, but I can't love you the way you need me to. So... goodbye. I'm off to search for the only person in my life who has made me feel. You see... I promised. But I forgot; silly me! Now I've remembered.and I can't forget again.' Yeah.that'll work.
"You know, Squall, you have to talk to me if you want me to hear what you're saying." She smiles so sweetly, and I feel a twinge of guilt. I hate speaking, I can't say what I mean. I can never find the words I need when I need them. Why can't people just read my mind? Zell is the closest to doing that...even he needs me to speak sometimes. How am I going to do this?
"Rinoa..." 'I'm sorry Rinoa...for what I'm about to do to you. I hope you understand' "It's over." I don't know if I can look at her, but I have to. I watch impassively.
"I know. It has been for awhile, huh?" She smiles at me...why? Shouldn't she be screaming...or throwing something...or.. I don't know! I don't let this surprise get through though. I nod to her, mask in place, but I do sigh. She'll figure it out by that...right?
"..." She looks so sad, but she's smiling. How can she smile like that?
"Squall...we were never good for each other. It took you this long to figure it out? I love you Squall...you know that. But it takes two people for a relationship."
Is this really Rinoa? When did she get so damn perceptive? Last time I looked, she was whining that her dog didn't coordinate with her outfit. Poor Angelo; poor, blue-furred Angelo.
"Rinoa..." 'I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I thought...maybe if I could just pretend...', "I'm...not good with...talking." I hold up a hand when she starts to speak. She immediately stops. After five years, I guess she has gotten used to my little gestures, "I'm...sorry. For this." 'Hyne...why can't I just say what I MEAN. I'm sorry for hurting you Rinoa... I'm sorry for trying to protect you without understanding you were hurting all the more for it. I'm sorry for letting you down...for not being your knight. I'm sorry.' Why can't I just say it? My hands flail around the desk uselessly, rearranging papers and pens into a neater order.
"I know Squall. I'll be going back to Timber...the Owls have been asking me to lead them for awhile now." The Timber Owls...who would have thought the most inept resistance group in all of Timber would end up running the damn place. But Rinoa's heart always belonged to Timber. "I'll miss you Squall. I hope you find what you need," she's trying so hard not to cry...Hyne... Rinoa.. don't cry. I'm not worth crying over...but there. Tears. "But you'd better call me every week, or I'll sic Angelo on you!"
"..." 'I love you Rinoa...I just can't be in love with you' She's putting so much emotion into her words...so much strength. I was never that strong.
"I will. But I'll be out of contact for awhile." I give up trying to be stoic, my right hand drifts back to my face, tracing the memory that lay there. The only visible sign of my weakness., I can't help but call attention to it with my fingers, tracing the scar over, and over again. This is me...this is all I am. All he made me into...my fingers rub the raised line, it's slightly rough to the touch, a mocking manifestation of what I'm feeling right now.
Rinoa is watching the floor, hands clasped behind her back. She's thinking about something...it's so easy to figure out what she thinks about, she wears her emotions proudly. This time I'm unable to decipher them.
"..." 'I wanted to protect you Rinoa...I failed. I'm sorry.' She looks up, into my eyes, done questioning whatever it was in her mind. I could see the hurt and determination in her eyes, I caused that hurt.
"You're going off to find him, aren't you?" My eyes must have registered some surprise, though I was careful not to show it on my face.
"...?" 'You're smarter than I give you credit for Rinoa, how did you figure it out so easily?' "He told me, you know. Once...right before we went our separate ways. He wasn't in that TV station for me...he was there for you. Even if you didn't know. I thought...I thought you might like to know that." Rinoa walks around the desk slowly, trying not to show her pain. I knew it was there though...I knew it when she looked down at me and smiled, and I really knew it when she leaned down to hug me. I couldn't breathe...but I think that was deliberate. A small, sweet reminder of the pain she's feeling along with her forgiveness.
"You find him," Rinoa whispers in my ear gently. Her breath is warm against my skin, and I can smell that perfume she always wears. Rainwater and spring lilacs. "You find him, and you keep your promise." She steps back, allowing me to breathe again, nods once, turning her back to me. She leaves, on the verge of running, and I watch her go, silently promising her that I shall not fail in this, her last request of me.
I will not fail.
I cannot fail.
I have given my word, twice, and intend to keep it.
Who cares if it may be impossible?