Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to JK Rowling, not me... Only the crummy things that you don't recognise from her books were added by me, and of course the plot which sucks in comparison to anything she would ever come up with.

Author's Note: The Third chapter, what would your reaction be if you were covered in fungus? I think I'd be pretty miffed! Please read and review and let me know what you think... Enjoy... ^_^

::~::~::

If you follow the rules you might escape.

Music is my Radar

Madam Pomfrey had no trouble dealing with the colossus of mushroomed students pouring in a constant flow into the hospital wing. Professor Snape however was not so easy to deal with - mushrooms had begun to grow out of his nostrils and were sprouting from his ears. His expression still couldn't be made out. It was the same for Harry. Snape's expression was probably better left unseen, the pupils muttered among themselves, since he couldn't have been happy. He must have been fuming under the fungus that looked like they had been fried in a cooked breakfast, but eventually Madam Pomfrey had managed to get the majority of the mould off his face.

However, he still had fluff up his neck, and it looked like he had acquired side burns, but otherwise he was fine. As soon as Snape was clear, he rushed out of the hospital wing back to his office and privacy.

"Professor Snape?" Professor Dumbledore was tapping lightly on the door of Snape's office not long afterwards.

"Yes!" Snape barked at the door. Dumbledore stepped in and closed the door silently behind him.

"I was just wondering what happened in your potions lesson today," Dumbledore said with a tiny smile. "Quite an eventful day we are having. An escaped Manticore and exploding potions - both have something to do with Professor Stark I noticed."

"An escaped Manticore?" Snape said his eyes bulging.

"It turned out to be a Boggart. Thank Goodness no one was hurt. Mr Malfoy was looking in the wardrobe at the back of the classroom and knocked something over it seems - the Boggart took form as one of his greatest fears and the whole class went haywire," Dumbledore, however concerned, seemed in quite good humour.

"Raine was doing a job quickly for me; delivering a few notes to the rest of the staff when she passed her class whom were all trying to escape. I can't blame her for it since she did sort the problem out as soon as she broke the door down," Dumbledore laughed softly beaming from ear to ear.

"Now, what was it that caused the explosion, Severus?" Dumbledore sat on a chair on the other side of Snape's desk, looking at him in an odd, yet commanding, manner.

"I was sitting at my desk when Stark walked in, then Potter's potion exploded, covering the whole class, except Stark. I don't honestly know what happened," Snape tried to look convincing but Dumbledore wasn't buying it.

"Professor Stark informed me that she was just dropping off more test papers to you, when your wand decided to fly off around the room, landing in Mr Potter's potion after nearly hitting several people, including herself, and coating the class in Fungus potion. Would that be correct?" Dumbledore was trying not to laugh too much as Snape scratched his fluffy neck and muttered:

"Yes," as quietly as he could.

"Well, there's that matter sorted. Anyway, I will see you at dinner Severus," Dumbledore left before Snape could protest.

::~::~::~::~::~::

"What do you think of the new Professor?" Ron said beaming. "That Potions lesson - I've never had such a laugh!" Ron said as he pulled a mushroom from behind his ear.

"Thank God the effects aren't lasting," Hermione said, pulling another from Ron's neck.

"She's a bit odd..." Harry said looking at the head table, not feeling quite so pleased about the whole experience. Stark was sitting next to the fluffy necked Snape, she was trying to keep herself from laughing - Harry turned and smiled at his friends. "I think I'm going to enjoy her lessons if she's going to be cruel to Snape and Malfoy."

"Did you see his face? He went bright red and she was so mean!" Ron said laughing and looking at Malfoy, who was still subdued from the earlier events. "Well, I hope she is a bit calmer in the next lessons. She'll scare the wits out of me otherwise," he added while deciding what he should eat.

"Yes, well look at Snape. His lips are really curling up. She must be saying some pretty witty stuff to have him look that mad," Hermione was watching Snape with genuine pity for the man as she began to eat her roast chicken cautiously. She could see Snape was listening to Professor Stark whispering the odd thing to him- his expression slowly changed to look murderous with every other word. She merely smiled passively at the reply that was equally as hushed.

::~::~::~::~::~::

"Why did your wand explode today Severus?" She whispered slyly into his ears, the words rolling swiftly off her tongue. "Release of tension?" Snape's eyes narrowed and shot her a blazing look.

"It wasn't my wand!" He whispered sharply back to her bemused face, her eyes were looking into his soul and he felt that he had to look away.

"I handed it back to you. Of course it wasn't your wand," she whispered patronisingly.

"It wasn't!" He insisted, nearly shouting at her impassive expression.

"There, don't you worry. We'll learn to control it soon," she crooned with a menacing glint in her eyes. "I really must go to my office to make some tests. See you again Severus. Good night Albus, everyone." She said, leaving the staff table and stepping gracefully out of the great hall; her black robes skimming along the floor smoothly as she stepped daintily onwards, her head held high with perfect posture.

::~::~::~::~::~::

"This fungus thing really itches!" Harry said scratching his neck viciously as they all headed back to the Gryffindor common room.

"I don't know. It kinda gives me the sexy stubble look," Ron grinned stroking his chin and looking at Hermione for support. "What do you think?" He asked her as he stroked the fluff on his chin. "Should I grow a beard?"

"No," she said shortly with no enthusiasm at all, her lips curled at his immaturity. "For starters Ron, you need to be a little older," Ron said nothing more as Harry and Hermione had a good laugh while walking on out of the great hall.

::~::~::~::~::~::

Snape left the great hall more agitated than he had been before he went in. Why couldn't I eat in my office? He thought as he walked towards the dungeons. Stark had caused him to feel a fool yet again even if she didn't intend to. He had to sort this out. She couldn't go around causing him to look like an idiot all the time. Snape went straight passed his office and headed towards Stark's office to straighten out her behaviour. She must have been one of his previous students because of her age. Only he didn't recognise her.

He headed towards her office; the cold corridor just outside seemed even colder than he remembered. He stepped up to the large oak door and knocked on it sharply to gain her attention. There was no sound - remembering the previous events he opened it cautiously. There was a strange beat being played in the room that he heard as he silently entered. Snape didn't recognise it. It was Muggle music.

He didn't step in at first. He wanted to make sure that he didn't make a sound so that he wouldn't wind up making her flinch and give him even slimmer chances at fatherhood. He slid into the room looking around for her. She appeared to be a lot more relaxed; she was dancing on the spot to the music. Raine's figure spiralled, first her shoulders went round followed by the rest of her body, all of the time she kept her back to Snape, who was trying to say something but was lost for words. He watched as she smoothed her hands out of his view down her front then pushed her shoulders back allowing her robes to slip down her slender arms. Snape turned his head away from her so that he wouldn't see what he thought was about to happen. He coughed to get her attention.

"Yes?" She said, confidently turning her head to see Snape holding his hand over his eyes as if he were shielding them from the sun. "What's the matter with you?" She said dropping her robes to the floor.

"Could you put some clothes on please?" He said hearing the cloth dropping with a muffled thud.

"You really think I'm like that?" She said standing defensively. "You can look! I am dressed!" She said looking as if he had really insulted her.

Snape removed his hand and looked up, first raising his head from her bare feet slowly passing them and up her shins to her knees not having seen a scrap of cloth and decided to turn his head back and gained bit of colour in his cheeks.

"Will you stop standing there like a school boy?" she snarled, walking up to him.

"You haven't got any clothes on!" he snapped back. She pulled his arm out of the way of his face.

"I can't stand it when people come to talk to me and don't bother to make eye contact!" she barked, as he noticed she was wearing a tight sleeveless black dress that went just to her knees and revealed her shoulders and well-defined collarbone, creeping just above her bust. He let out a short sigh of relief but felt a bit stupid. Of course she wouldn't walk around her office nude! What was I thinking? He thought scolding himself.

"I was just going to discuss your behaviour," he said, letting out a short cough, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

"My behaviour?" she said flabbergasted. "I'm not the one who can't control my wand!"

"That was an unrelated incident!" he barked. "You walk around setting Manticores on my students!"

"Ahh Draco," she relieved the memory with a cruel smile.

"Yes, Mr Malfoy!" Snape spat.

"Well, you should tell him to keep his big nose out of pots reading: 'Highly Dangerous' and perhaps then they won't attack him," she glowered at Snape who didn't have a leg to stand on about the whole Manticore mess.

"You have the most dislikeable attitude of any member of staff!" he snapped. "You make callous comments about me when you get the chance and you hit me the moment we first met, we didn't even know each other! What's more, you've got me into a mess!" He looked into her furious eyes. "I do not want to help you with this self defence thing," she looked away out of the window that blew a soft breeze around the room waving a few wisps of satin black hair into her face. "Why will you not comply with school policy?!" he snapped, finally believing he had broken her spirit.

"I - Professor Snape, comply with nothing for no one!" she growled, placing the tips of her slender fingers on his chest. "You will not beat me into submission. I am here to stay and no - you will not get this job because I'm keeping it!" She stared into his hollow black eyes. "I will not be stopped by you!" she said, walking her fingers up his chest and pressing her index finger firmly upon his Adams-apple with her last word. Snape gulped.

"You are not the only pure blood wizard to walk the earth you know!" She said shortly.

"Just stay away from my lessons in future Professor," Raine smiled as he glowered down at her.

"Didn't I just say I don't take orders from anyone?" she said softly. There was a definite collapse of his self-esteem. "Make sure your students keep out of my cupboards Snape and I'll see what I can do, until then..." She swiftly opened her door. "Please get out of my office," they stared unconvinced of each other's trust for a moment. His black eyes delved into hers and met some sort of truce.

"Very well, Miss Stark..." Snape slithered out of her office without a backward glance.

"And less of the 'Miss' thank you! Mister Snape!" The door slammed shut behind him. It had been a while since anyone had called him 'Mister.' He got a little pleasure from it actually and proceeded to make his way down one floor to his office in the cold dungeons.

::~::~::~::~::~::

An uneventful week passed and nothing else of much interest happened. Snape would take his lessons as normal. The students would see it as a haven after sitting through Professor Stark's reign of terror. Stark kept a class like a drill squad. Nothing was allowed out of place and they eventually got used to that. No one wanted to argue with her since they saw what her temper was like on the very first day. Snape's behaviour was less than civil to her as they sat next to each other at dinner.

Snape was dreading the day that Dumbledore was going to fix the self-defence class. Stark was so cold to him he thought that she might try killing him. After all, it was no secret that he wanted her job and she could just eliminate the competition while no one expected it. She wouldn't kill him.

He knew that, but his imagination went a little off scale when he could see himself in the hospital wing, being nursed by Madam Pomfrey for broken bones and numerous other injuries. Snape decided that the best way to make sure she didn't do any of the things he imagined was to learn how to block her or something so took out a book from the library: 'Muggle Marshall Arts.'

Dumbledore was sitting at the head table about three weeks later and Snape was paying no attention when he told the whole school about the self defence class. Stark glanced around the room. The sixth and seventh years were all smiling brightly. They would see their two least favourite teachers attempt to injure each other without magic. It would be interesting since they appeared to hate each other. Ron, Harry and Hermione decided to take the class even though they didn't take Muggle studies. The chance to see Snape try to with stand the strength of their other hated teacher was too much to pass up on. The younger year groups were very disappointed, since it was common knowledge that Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers lasted only a year and that they would never get a chance to participate in such a class or witness the entertainment that would be displayed within. Snape's lip curled as he saw all the happy faces. This was not going to be a small class.

::~::~::~::~::~::

Three days later, the great hall was filled with crash mats and Madam Pomfrey stood around the edge of them as the entire student body of the sixth and seventh years filed in to take the first class in Muggle self defence. Stark was dressed as a Muggle again. She wore her sweatshirt and shorts without shoes so that she wouldn't injure Snape when doing demonstrations. Snape stood arms folded nervously, as he awaited the arrival of all the people taking the class.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you- much," Raine said, smiling trying to reassure Snape, who stood looking at her like she was evil. "I trust you did some research," she said more seriously.

"Yes," Snape said, composing himself. "What exactly do you plan to show them?"

"Oh, just a basic defence thing today. All you will be required to do is to attack me and I will hold you off using different defences. I hope you can manage that. By the way, I hope you are good at taking pain. You can't imagine the embarrassment of seeming weak to pupils. They begin to take less notice of your lessons," Stark whispered as the hall went quiet.

"Good evening," she said, in a loud clear yet soft voice. "You are all here to learn a bit of Muggle self defence. It is especially helpful when you have lost your wand or have been disarmed. I will show your basic defence tonight and Professor Snape has volunteered to help me. He will demonstrate the attacker while I will be showing you how to fight him off," she said, smiling as the whole hall gave a little laugh.

"The attacker, you say?" Snape said quietly, but with a cruel grin on his face.

"Yes. In your own time," she said, standing still with her back to him. "The neck grab, if you please, Snape - ready?"

"Ready," he said, an unsteady tone in his voice.

"Now!" she shouted, as Snape ran at her back, wrapping his arms round her neck tightly. Stark didn't seem too bothered by his arms as she thrust her elbow into his chest, causing him to let the grip loosen. She then trod on his instep, punched him in the face using the back of the same hand she had elbowed him with, then jammed it back into his groin. Snape let go doubled over cursing and hopping around.

"Any questions?" she asked the stunned multitude. "No? Okay then pair off and practice. For the benefit of the boys, you will not be elbowing the groin. I can't stand screechy males. Begin!" she commanded, offering Snape some help, as he tried to stand upright again.

"You could have warned me you were going to do that," he said, as she put his arm around her shoulder and led him out of the centre of the hall, wheezing after having been winded and then paralysed in one foot. "You don't expect me to help again do you?!" he said, looking worried and disgusted by her nerve as she allowed him to sink slowly to the floor.

"Of course I do!" she snarled. "You haven't finished here yet and we have to do what we told Dumbledore we would. I do not like braking my word. Do you know what I mean Snape?" Snape looked at her in an annoyed manner as he slowly stood up to full height. He towered over her as she stood in front of him. His broad powerful shoulders dwarfed her small, but well-toned ones and she turned her back on him and headed back to the centre of the hall. He followed like a lost puppy hanging his head low.

She stopped and turned to face him as she continued to orally bash him. "In future when you attack me try to make it look as if you mean it, they will learn nothing from being shown what to do in totally put on situations. When you think about attacking remember that I am a little girl and you will look a complete idiot if I completely kick your ass without you putting up at least a little resistance. I will not.." Something snapped in Snape as she began to speak, it enraged him and with all the force he could muster thrust his fist into her well-structured face. She stood still- her body facing him but her face in the direction that it had been forced when he hit her. Stark slowly turned her head round to face him, she didn't falter like he expected her to. She had an impressed but unamused look on her face. Her cheek was swollen and she brushed it slightly being watched by the entire hall as to what her reaction would be. Snape began to regret losing his temper as her eyes looked down to the arm that hit her- his left arm. She looked at it as if she could see through his robes in a bemused sort of way. Then she looked back at his face that changed expression from anger to shock. She tilted her head to the side and narrowed her eyes before turning her back on him, and proceeding to walk calmly to the centre of the hall. All the students were silent.

"Right then, I think that you have all done very well with that first task. For the second and final part of Muggle self defence, Professor Snape is going to attack me with all that he's got," she said, looking at Snape who looked slightly embarrassed. "Would you all like to see Professor Snape attack me?" She looked at all the students who were not quite sure how to respond.

"I don't think…" Snape began.

"That's your trouble!" she snapped quietly so that he was the only one that could hear her. He looked murderous once more. "Ready 'Professor'?" She whispered making the word 'Professor' sound like it was a title that didn't suit him.

"Professor Snape, I would like you to grab me, or attempt to, using all necessary force," she said clearly so everyone could hear her. "Don't worry old boy. You won't even get a touch," she whispered to him, her eyes narrowed, looking at Snape and smoothing the fingers from her left hand over the bruise on her right cheek. "Begin!" she commanded her voice sharp.

::~::~::

Author's Note: What did you think? Please review! ^_^ I enjoy writing this... Ok I let you read something else now...

Ciao

I.C. Fire

silver_shadow54@hotmail.com