A/N: Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? I'm really sorry for taking so
long, I kinda forgot about it. :.once again cowers under desk.: Well,
anyway, I remembered didn't I? You wouldn't believe the nasty weather here.
I'm half afraid that the power will go out and I'll lose the data on this
new chapter. I certainly hope not.
Today, I'm home sick. But I'm also bored out of my mind. I've watched The
Lord of the Rings twice, two episodes of The Tribe, and Bill and Ted's
Bogus Journey. And it's only 4:10 in the evening. So that's why I'm here.
To be un-bored. If that's even a word.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies. Don't know what the Standard disclaimer is? Should I shoot you now or later?! I DON'T OWN IT! 'cepting the plot of course. Because that is mine. I've never ran across a Harry Potter fanfic like this one. If there is one out there, I didn't copy the idea, I swear!
This chapter is dedicated to: HAZZAGRIFF! Thank you for your faithful reviews!
Chapter 7: Harry
Yeah, hello everyone. It's me. Harry. I guess you're wondering 'what my problem is'. So is everyone else. It won't make me talk any faster. I don't understand why people won't just leave me alone. I would have been fine at the Dursleys. They weren't mistreating me at all.
It's all my fault anyway. I deserve the pain, I deserve to feel this way. I certainly don't deserve anything else. I don't deserve to be happy.
You see, I killed him. I killed Sirius. You don't believe me do you? It was all my fault. You know it as well as I do. No, I didn't want him to die, but that didn't change what happened. Nothing can change what happened. No one can help him. No one can help me.
I feel sorry for Remus. I know there was something between him and Sirius. I'm not sure what it was, but I know he's angry with me for killing him. But, I'd much prefer him to yell. I can't stand his kindness. It isn't deserved. I don't deserve any kindness.
Sure it wasn't my hand (or wand) that killed him. But it all amounts to the same thing. If I had just listened to Remus and Sirius. If only I had just tried what Snape had told me. If I had just done better, Sirius might still be here.
Why are you looking at me that way? He's dead. That's all there is to it. There's no way he could still be alive. He would have answered me if he was. He would have come back.
I've killed the only Father I ever really knew. I deserve to be alone. Everyone who cares about me dies. I don't want to hurt anyone else. So I won't have any friends. I won't let them care about me. If I hurt them now, at least they'll be alive later.
I know what you're thinking now. 'Don't give up, just go get even with Voldemort!' If only it were that easy. I'm lucky to be here now. If only Voldemort had just killed me then.
Do you know what it's like having the entire world rely on you to save them? Probably not, because you're not me, now are you? Well just try to imagine it, will you? Because that's what I'm feeling right now.
By remaining silent, I can live in my own world. I can ignore everyone, I can exist in one solitary place. I can believe what I want, and ignore what I don't want to believe. I can be me. No one sees who I really am.
If I refuse to acknowledge their presence, perhaps the world will ignore me as well. I pose no threat to anyone like this.
You probably think I am just a coward, taking the cowards way out. But if that was true, I would no longer be here at all. I have had many such thoughts myself, and many opportunities to carry out the deed. Maybe it makes me even more cowardly to still be here. I could never make myself do the necessary thing.
In any case, I would be better off in my own isolated world. I would be better off away from all people. There is no need to be around people. If I am around them, they are in danger.
I didn't want to come to Grimmauld Place. I wanted Remus to forget me. I wanted them all to forget me. But they wouldn't go away.
I hate them so much. I hate them for being able to forgive me for killing him. I hate them for not hating me. I hate them for caring so much.
I just want to be alone. I don't want to be where I can hurt others. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I wish I could just fade away. I wish I could be swallowed up by the earth itself.
That will never happen though. Life will go on the way it always has, and everyone will depend on me. I'll go back to Hogwarts, and I'll have to speak to them again. I will have to go back to my old life, and save everyone from the evil I allowed to return. I'll have to be the famous Harry Potter. And no one will really see me for who I am.
A/N: Well, the end of the chapter has arrived. I know, it likely sucked big time, and I apologize. Really I do. Please review me and tell me what I need to fix, and what you liked.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies. Don't know what the Standard disclaimer is? Should I shoot you now or later?! I DON'T OWN IT! 'cepting the plot of course. Because that is mine. I've never ran across a Harry Potter fanfic like this one. If there is one out there, I didn't copy the idea, I swear!
This chapter is dedicated to: HAZZAGRIFF! Thank you for your faithful reviews!
Chapter 7: Harry
Yeah, hello everyone. It's me. Harry. I guess you're wondering 'what my problem is'. So is everyone else. It won't make me talk any faster. I don't understand why people won't just leave me alone. I would have been fine at the Dursleys. They weren't mistreating me at all.
It's all my fault anyway. I deserve the pain, I deserve to feel this way. I certainly don't deserve anything else. I don't deserve to be happy.
You see, I killed him. I killed Sirius. You don't believe me do you? It was all my fault. You know it as well as I do. No, I didn't want him to die, but that didn't change what happened. Nothing can change what happened. No one can help him. No one can help me.
I feel sorry for Remus. I know there was something between him and Sirius. I'm not sure what it was, but I know he's angry with me for killing him. But, I'd much prefer him to yell. I can't stand his kindness. It isn't deserved. I don't deserve any kindness.
Sure it wasn't my hand (or wand) that killed him. But it all amounts to the same thing. If I had just listened to Remus and Sirius. If only I had just tried what Snape had told me. If I had just done better, Sirius might still be here.
Why are you looking at me that way? He's dead. That's all there is to it. There's no way he could still be alive. He would have answered me if he was. He would have come back.
I've killed the only Father I ever really knew. I deserve to be alone. Everyone who cares about me dies. I don't want to hurt anyone else. So I won't have any friends. I won't let them care about me. If I hurt them now, at least they'll be alive later.
I know what you're thinking now. 'Don't give up, just go get even with Voldemort!' If only it were that easy. I'm lucky to be here now. If only Voldemort had just killed me then.
Do you know what it's like having the entire world rely on you to save them? Probably not, because you're not me, now are you? Well just try to imagine it, will you? Because that's what I'm feeling right now.
By remaining silent, I can live in my own world. I can ignore everyone, I can exist in one solitary place. I can believe what I want, and ignore what I don't want to believe. I can be me. No one sees who I really am.
If I refuse to acknowledge their presence, perhaps the world will ignore me as well. I pose no threat to anyone like this.
You probably think I am just a coward, taking the cowards way out. But if that was true, I would no longer be here at all. I have had many such thoughts myself, and many opportunities to carry out the deed. Maybe it makes me even more cowardly to still be here. I could never make myself do the necessary thing.
In any case, I would be better off in my own isolated world. I would be better off away from all people. There is no need to be around people. If I am around them, they are in danger.
I didn't want to come to Grimmauld Place. I wanted Remus to forget me. I wanted them all to forget me. But they wouldn't go away.
I hate them so much. I hate them for being able to forgive me for killing him. I hate them for not hating me. I hate them for caring so much.
I just want to be alone. I don't want to be where I can hurt others. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I wish I could just fade away. I wish I could be swallowed up by the earth itself.
That will never happen though. Life will go on the way it always has, and everyone will depend on me. I'll go back to Hogwarts, and I'll have to speak to them again. I will have to go back to my old life, and save everyone from the evil I allowed to return. I'll have to be the famous Harry Potter. And no one will really see me for who I am.
A/N: Well, the end of the chapter has arrived. I know, it likely sucked big time, and I apologize. Really I do. Please review me and tell me what I need to fix, and what you liked.