PART EIGHTEEN : " Rectitude "
"The first ordinary to help us, any of us." ... "Gave her life so we could live." ... "Always remember..."
They stood in the rain, holding Hannah Sukova's funeral. Max felt the eulogy she gave was incredibly inadequate but she couldn't seem to put how she felt into words. It had been her first encounter with an ordinary that helped her, not because she was a soldier, but because she was a person. It was that action that first made her feel as if she could live amongst them instead of hiding in the woods, as she'd first intended when they had escaped. She had still moved from place to place, but because of Hannah it was among normal humans. She had given it her best shot. Somehow it never seemed enough.
She watched as the transgenics lowered the coffin into the ground at the makeshift cemetery. They had lost a couple of people since they moved into Terminal City over a year ago, but not many. So far the area they designated was sufficient. Back at Manticore they had been taught to burn the dead, never leave traces, destroy the evidence. She wasn't sure that planting them in the ground was any better or worse but it seemed to make everyone, both transgenic and ordinary, feel a little more bonded to each other.
She looked over at Sharon Bradford. Beck was by her side, having allowed this brief outside excursion. I wonder if she's as uncomfortable as I am; I finally find out who my mother is and discover she lied to me about it.
After the ceremony, she walked with Original Cindy for a while, not saying anything.
"I hear through the grapevine you've got something on your mind. What's the gimme?" Cindy finally asked.
She glanced at her friend. "There'll be a briefing shortly. You've probably heard, Logan's missing. I'm pretty sure the Conclave has him but White has some info I need before I can go after Logan. Since I have to wait, I want to talk with Sharon first and clear the air. I found out she was my host mother back at Manticore."
"For real? That can't be easy, but what's there to clear the air about? You got some baggage, Boo?"
"Yeah, a little. She lied about it when I first caught up to her, said it was her sister that was involved instead of her. Probably doesn't want one of us as her kid after learning what we are. And getting shot up probably didn't inspire the welcome wagon either." she said unhappily.
Cindy paused, considering her words. "You know, it may have been tight on her. You don't know why she said what she did, but you told me once that the gal we just buried said your mother fought to keep you. It's not her fault Manticore was stronger than she was. And Boo… if she didn't actually say all those other things to you about wanting you and getting shot, then you're the one not being fair."
Max looked over at the ordinary walking beside her and felt a smile play on her lips. "You're right, I'm feeling selfish and I'm not sure what else I'm feeling... I had this big scene in my mind where I'd find my mother and she'd pull me into her arms and wave her magic-wand and I'd never have to think of Manticore or the Conclave again. Blame it on those "happily-ever-after" books of Logan's I was reading to his niece."
Cindy laughed, then turned serious. "Don't go in with expectations. Go to find the truth and if-or-when you get the lowdown from her, come to terms with it. We all make mistakes or choices we don't like. She didn't want to lose you back at Manticore and they locked her away for it. Give her a chance to be human, and give yourself a chance to be human while you're at it. Know what I mean?"
She nodded. "Yeah. But..."
Original Cindy stopped and turned to her. "No expectations. Give her the chance you would want if it were reversed. You finally found her, now give her the road to walk herself into your life. Give yourself the opportunity to figure it all out. Don't force it, just go with it. I know you, you're not happy unless you're fighting the current. Sometimes you have to just go with the flow. Original Cindy knows what she's talking about."
Max conceded. "You're right. It's not easy though... God, I hope Logan's ok. Things are bad enough without something happening to him too."
Cindy smiled at her. "He'll be fine, Boo. He's got you. You'll get him back, and he has faith in you... wherever they've got him."
* * * * *
Max knocked at Sharon's open door. Sharon looked up from the book she was reading, and her face brightened. "Come on in..."
She came in and sat down in the chair by the bed. The quiet soon grew to an uncomfortable silence.
Sharon began first. "I'm sorry I lied to you, Max. I didn't know you were the one I carried... and I was afraid for the safety of my other children. If I'd known it was you, I'd have told you immediately. You must be furious with me..."
"No." Max said quickly, then paused. "Well, I guess I was upset. I had this preconceived notion in my mind that when I finally found you that everything would fit into place, that I might have answers. But then Beck told me you gave birth to me... and I guess we didn't exactly start off on the best footing with White barging in like that. Logan tells me I have a habit of judging people based on my own expectations. And now I'm rambling..." She stopped. "Can you just tell me the truth now?"
The woman in the bed nodded somberly. "Of course I will. Are you sure you want to hear it all?"
Max hesitated, and nodded her head. "Yes. Anything you're comfortable with telling me."
She took a deep breath and began.
"For starters, my real name is Michelle. My sister's name was Sharon. I was in the medical field and through some high-level doctors in the governmental fields, I was given an opportunity to interview at a classified medical facility. Manticore. Turns out they came across my medical records and found I was a completely viable host. They told me they wanted to enable artificial pregnancy and induce gene therapy. They never told me I wouldn't be able to keep the child once it was born. I only found out about that later when I overheard a doctor talking about the on-base genetic soldier project.
"By my third trimester, they realized I knew they were going to take the baby away from me. I'm afraid I didn't play it very smart, I was young and feisty and often acted before I thought things through. Maybe that's what tipped them off. Eventually they sedated me so I wouldn't hurt the doctors, myself or you.
"When I gave birth to you, they took me immediately to a secure facility away from Manticore. They held me there for a couple of years; I suppose I'd probably still be there if my parents hadn't made such a squawk to the government. But they had made me forget, Max. Over time I started to remember again, bits and pieces. Enough to know they were still keeping an eye on me. And enough to know they'd taken my child.
"Sharon and I moved from Wyoming to Washington State in 2005. When we moved out here she insisted we switch our first names and take different last names, in case Manticore came looking. That was easy enough because we used to do the same thing to boyfriends on the phone back when we were going school; we didn't look anything alike but we sounded identical." She chuckled quietly at the memory."
"I met Mark shortly after moving here. He was a construction contractor with a terribly childish sense of humor and a passion for baseball, science fiction, classical music and Jamocha Almond Fudge ice cream. We fell in love immediately. We got married, had two kids and were as happy as anyone could possibly be. He even built a house on the other side of the barn for my sister. He sensed a dark secret in my past but I didn't dare tell him for fear that they were still watching and listening. It was all I could do just to not think about it or let it interfere with my life. He was such a doll... he never asked about it. He only commented once that if I ever wanted to tell him, in my own time, that it was good enough for him.
She looked at Max, tears on her face. "He was a wonderful, kind man who loved his kids. I wish you could have met him."
Max handed her a towel, and drying her tears with it, she went on. "In 2009, like I told you, my parents were flying in, and she went with Mark to get them. The plane that Mom and Dad were in was in the air when the pulse hit... one of hundreds that crashed because of it. They didn't survive.
"I almost went mad when I learned of it all, first of my parents and then of Mark and Sharon. Almost everyone I cared about, gone. The only thing that kept me together was the thought of my kids. I couldn't fail them... not like I failed you."
She took Max's hand in hers. "I always felt like I should have done more, that somehow they would have given you back to me. In a way I felt by being there for my kids, I wasn't just being a good loving mother, I was making up for my losing my first born. You'll never know how bad I felt when they took you away from me. I wanted to die, which is why I guess they found it fairly easy to make me forget. For a while, anyway.
A knock on the door and they both looked up to see Alec. "Sorry, Max. Briefing in five minutes."
"Ok. Give me a minute," she answered.
Alec nodded and waited outside.
The transgenic pondered briefly what she'd just been told, then made her decision. She leaned over and hugged Sharon lightly. "As a friend of mine says, 'it's all good'... but we'll talk later. I have to be at this briefing."
Sharon waved her out. "Be careful."
Rolling her eyes, the transgenic couldn't stop herself. "God, you're starting to sound like Logan already."
"Hey, about Logan... he was supposed to stop by here?"
A worried look flickered across Max's face. "He never showed up with the rest of us. We're... looking for him."
Sharon straightened up as much as she could, and looked concerned. "Then I guess you really should be careful."
"All my life..." she said reflectively as she left to catch up with Alec.