A/N: I spent a few days reading nearly all of Kouri's fanfics and you know what I ended up thinking? I thought to myself; Why on earth do you people read my stories? When I compare the genius that is Kouri and the "genius" that is me. . .hell, I might as well stop this story right here and now.
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CHAPTER 6: Do I Deserve You?
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"Ohayo, Takashi!"
"Tsuzuki! Ohayo!" he grinned back.
Tsuzuki and Hisoka were walking down the gloomy hallway towards him and Watari, holding hands with Hisoka looking definitely pleased about something. If the big grin he was trying to control was any indication that is.
"You look like the cat that got the cream Hisoka," Takashi raised an eyebrow meaningfully. "Had a good sleep?"
"More like a good Valentine's Day present," Tsuzuki chirped and Hisoka rewarded him with an elbow jab.
Watari's grin got wider then. "Well, you guys better be on your guard. When I came in this morning, all the girls were here already and they refused to let me in the staff room. I'm guessing they're doing something in there."
"Oh god, no," Hisoka rolled his eyes. "Think we still have a fighting chance to run away?" he asked hopefully.
Takashi laughingly answered him, pointing down the hall. "I doubt it. Here comes Tatsumi."
"Good morning everyone," Tatsumi greeted and they gave back a chorus of 'ohayo!'. The Kagetsukai stepped nearer to Watari and bestowed him a secretive smile. "Happy Valentine's Day, Watari."
Watari blushed and replied back. "Happy Valentine's Day. Hey, I got you a present!"
"So did I," Tatsumi smiled. "But I'll give it to you later when it's more private and nobody's eavesdropping in on us."
"Hey!" Tsuzuki spoke up with a feigned look of hurt. "We're not eavesdropping. We're standing right beside you!"
"Precisely. Takashi-san, where's Kyo-kun?"
He indicated back in the direction of the staff room. "He's in there already. Watari said the girls' been in there all morning. Got any idea what they're up to?"
Tatsumi shook his head with a faint smile. "None. And we're not going to find out anyway just standing in the hallway like this. Shall we?"
They made quite a noisy bunch, walking towards the staff room with Tsuzuki and Watari horsing around as usual and even Tatsumi was smiling along. Takashi took the chance to chat with Hisoka on their plans for today as Tatsumi had not mentioned any case that needs working on. They were joined by the girls who, despite several persuasive attempts, refused to divulged what they did. But the knowing glances Saya and Yuma shot Hisoka was enough to make the boy scurry behind Tsuzuki for protection.
The minute they stepped in the room, everyone stopped dead in surprise.
Red velvet drapes, red loveseat, red roses on every desk, streamers of red hearts and red juice instead of the usual coffee. Everything was extremely. . .red. Takashi was speechless.
"So what do you guys think?" Saya asked brightly. "We really tried to bring in the Valentine spirit!"
"Yup!" Yuma nodded cheerfully. "We even got presents for everyone! Ne, Hisoka-chan?"
"Er, you guys don't really look happy. . .what's wrong?" Wakaba asked worriedly. "Is it too much? We'll clean it up afterwards!"
He guessed it must have been pretty obvious from the looks on their faces that they didn't think much about their surprise. It must be the expression of absolute horror mixed with complete bafflement. It took them several blinking moments before they could let it all sink in and Hisoka voiced out their trepidation.
"It's. . .like we're back at Akuma's place again. . ." he said weakly.
The boy was right. Eerily so. If it was like this for them, then Kyo?
"Oh, god! Kyo!"
Takashi vaulted over Terazuma's desk and was greeted with the sight of Kyo sitting bonelessly on the floor.
"Kyo? Are you alright?" He didn't like the looks of this. Kyo didn't seem to hear him, his eyes staring straight ahead and not an eyelid twitched at his call.
"Takashi-san? What's wrong with Kyo?" Hisoka asked worriedly. The others had all gathered around him and Kyo and were fidgeting nervously. Watari reported that there was no sign of any ominous clouds outside the windows but that hardly comforted him. Hisoka reached out to touch Kyo's shoulder but Takashi quickly grabbed his hand and shook his head in a sharp negative.
"No, don't touch him. I think he's having a flashback. We don't want to provoke him."
"What can we do then?" Tsuzuki demanded. "We can't leave him like this!"
He could see the girls hanging by the fringes and he gave them a curt nod. "Help the girls pull everything down. Get everything out until there's no trace of it at all, even the loveseat."
The rest scurried off to do just that while Tatsumi and Hisoka stayed by his side. Amidst the bustle, Takashi knelt in front of Kyo and was careful to not touch him. Instead, he spoke low and soft, but insistently, trying to get his attention.
"Kyo? It's alright. You're not with Akuma. Akuma's dead. Remember? You're with us, at the Shokan office. See? Tatsumi's here with me, even Hisoka. If you don't hurry, Tsuzuki's going to finish all the chocolate doughnuts. You don't want that right?"
No response. He tried again.
"You're not with Akuma, Kyo. The girls wanted to give us a Valentine surprise, that's it. So they decorated the office for the occasion. Akuma's gone. He's long dead. We're sitting on the floor in the office, right in front of our desks. Which I have to say, is quite clean. We did all our reports and Tatsumi was quite happy about that. Tsuzuki's though. . .if you turn your head to the right a bit, you can see Tsuzuki's desk, right next to Hisoka's. You can tell he hasn't done at least 2 weeks of reports by the stack on it.
Think he'll try to bribe you to help him with it again like last time Kyo-kun? Hisoka's done his though so he'll probably try to get Hisoka to do it."
Kyo blinked and started to shift a little. Takashi felt a rush of giddiness at the progress and hurried on before he lost him again.
"That's right," he said encouragingly. "Akuma's dead. You're with us, in the Shokan. In fact, here comes Kanoe Kacho. He looks pretty surprised. I bet he's wondering why we're sitting on the floor like this. Oops, there goes the jelly-filled doughnuts. I think the chocolates ones still there but you have to hurry. Tsuzuki's looking pretty hungry still."
Kyo shifted again and a hand lifted wonderingly. "Tsu. . .zu. .ki?"
"Yeah," Hisoka chimed in. "I haven't fed him breakfast yet so he's targeting the doughnuts. You know what a bottomless pit that guy is. Hey, Takashi told me earlier that you guys are going out for lunch. Why don't we do a double-date? It'll be fun! We'll go to this small café that makes the best chocolate cake in Kyoto. At least," Hisoka added thoughtfully, "That's what Tsuzuki claims. I'm no expert at chocolates so you have to try it out for yourself."
"Va. . len. . tine?" Kyo asked, still looking bemused.
"That's right," Tatsumi spoke up. He looked as calm as always and his tone was a comforting no-nonsense one that was his trademark. In fact, his voice alone could usually stop a brawl between Tsuzuki and Kyo on normal days. "I plan on celebrating myself later, with. . ah, Watari-san," he coughed slightly. "Though I hope you won't tease him about it too badly, ne, Kyo-kun?"
Their combined efforts seemed to get through him. He shuddered a bit and placed a trembling hand against his forehead. "Taka?" he asked weakly. "What am I doing on the floor?"
"You were feeling a bit off just now," Takashi smiled. "But you're okay now, right?"
"I-I think so. . ." he swallowed and closed his eyes briefly as another shudder shook his frame. For a minute, they were afraid they might lose him again when he opened his eyes and gave us a weak smile. "Are the chocolate doughnuts still there?"
The grin on Takashi's face could have lit up a city with its wattage. "Why don't we go and check it out?"
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The two of them made it through the day well enough and the girls apologized profusely for the trouble they had caused. Takashi assured them that it wasn't their fault. After all, no one really told them the specifics of the case. As Hisoka had promised earlier, the four of them went on a lunch double date down at Chijou.
During that lunch, the cat got out of the bag. About Kyo's non-eating habits that is. They had barely gone through half of their meal when Kyo suddenly stood up and pushed his way out of the booth they took and ran to the bathroom. Takashi hurried after him to find him hunched over the toilet bowl, vomiting every thing he just ate. He didn't say anything but helped Kyo to clean up and they sat back down at their table. Waiting for Kyo was a pot of hot tea and some dry toast.
"Eat that at least and you'll feel better," Hisoka smiled.
Takashi shot them a grateful look and the rest of the lunch was spent chatting amiably about every thing except work. When the four of them got back, Tatsumi informed them that there were no cases to handle as yet, so why don't he and Kyo go home and take a break?
They did just that and spent a quiet evening at home watching a movie. By ten o'clock, Kyo was already nodding off so Takashi carried him gently to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed. After a moment's hesitation, he climbed in next to him and drew the covers up.
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The hands on his wristwatch said that it was past midnight already. Since they didn't have any cases today, Tsuzuki and he were relatively fresh, having spent a relaxing evening at home. It was always a treat having time for themselves and they enjoyed every minute of it. However, instead of being in bed watching a late movie and pigging out on ice cream, the pair found themselves on Takashi's and Kyo's doorstep.
Takashi had called them around 20 minutes ago and begged them to come over. He said he didn't know what to do anymore. Hisoka's knock was answered quickly and revealed Takashi in t-shirt and sweat pants and looking like hell.
"Are you alright, Takashi?" he asked worriedly.
The older man waved off his concern and pointed down to their bedroom. "Kyo's in there. He had a nightmare," he said hoarsely. "I tried to calm him down but he won't let me touch him. I don't know what to do anymore," he finished helplessly.
Tsuzuki nodded silently at Hisoka and took Takashi by the arm, talking soothingly, "C'mon, you'll feel better after some hot tea. Let's sit down and Hisoka will go talk to Kyo, okay?"
Takashi let Tsuzuki propel him to the sitting room and sat down blindly on the couch. Hisoka gave him a brief glance as he made my way to the bedroom. He knew without a doubt that Takashi had reached his limit. It was only a matter of whether he can get back up or keep on sinking. As he knocked softly on the door, though it was ajar, the boy muttered a curse under his breath at Akuma. The damn man still touched them even in his death. They all do.
No answer. Hisoka ignored the social norms of propriety and manners and all that and went in anyway. The room was dim, lit only by the soft, orange glow from the bedside lamps. The covers on the bed were rumpled but Kyo wasn't in them. He looked around and his eyes fell on a particularly shadowy corner. Found him.
He wasn't really doing much of anything from what Hisoka could tell. Knees drawn up and face buried in his arms, he wasn't crying, but he was rocking back and forth gently and didn't look up as the younger boy padded his way over to him. He knelt before Kyo and pondered for a moment on the best way to approach him.
"Kyo?" He said softly. Yep, the tried and tested method. They can move on from there.
He refused to answer and just went on rocking silently. Truth to tell, it was slightly unnerving seeing him like this and so silent. Hisoka's shields were quite high up as he didn't want to pass out on them in case he got overwhelmed but even through it, he could usually get a general sort of feel from the other person. But from Kyo, he was getting practically nothing. He was controlling himself so tightly that he made Tatsumi feel genki.
He reached out a tentative hand but Kyo isn't a good fighter for nothing. He sensed the movement and flinched back, huddling even deeper into his corner but still refusing to say a word.
Hisoka sighed and sat back. Right, can't use the ol' 'whop-him-on-the-head-with-a-good-dose –of-empathy' trick.
There doesn't seem to be much choice left for him then. Keeping his hands to himself, he asked the older boy a question.
"Do you know the full details of how I died Kyo?"
The question didn't seem to be one he expected and the surprise of it stopped his rocking. He still refused to lift his face though but answered anyway, his voice muffled by his arms.
"No."
He figured. No one really did except for Tsuzuki. He knew the others suspected but since he wasn't exactly forthcoming with the information, they respected his privacy. Come to think of it, he didn't know how the others died. Not Tatsumi, Watari or even Kyo.
"You know that Muraki killed me right?" Hisoka waited for his faint nod before continuing. "My parents usually let me out of the cellar at nights so I can take some air and that one night, I happened to witness Muraki killing someone." He hated telling this. Always did but somehow, he thought it could help Kyo. To know that he's not the only one.
"Instead of killing me though, he decided I was too pretty and he. . raped me. He cursed me after that and three years later, I died."
Kyo didn't expect that it seemed. When he mentioned the word 'rape', Kyo's head snapped up and he stared back with wide eyes, his face pale in the little light that there was.
"He," Kyo swallowed, "he raped you?"
"He did."
"Oh." Kyo now couldn't seem to keep his eyes on him. They wandered to the side and anywhere else but on him. "I'm sorry," he added.
He shrugged the apology off. "You have nothing to be sorry about. You didn't do it."
Kyo didn't answer but started to rock himself back and forth again. He stared fixedly at a far corner and said distantly. "I feel dirty. Every time I close my eyes I see him again. Every time Taka touches me I feel him instead."
"I know," Hisoka said softly. "I felt the same way."
"But you can cope. You can put it behind you," he went on, still in that detached voice. "Why can't I?"
"I didn't at first." He took the chance to move closer to Kyo and the still rocking boy didn't move away. "Even after we got married, it was a few months before I was able to. ." he coughed slightly, "make love with Tsuzuki. The memories were too painful. But slowly, I realized one thing."
"What's that?"
"That Tsuzuki is not Muraki and he'll never hurt me."
The words hung in the air and Kyo finally turned his eyes back to him. They were full of unshed tears.
He went on. "And Takashi is not Akuma and he'll never hurt you."
Kyo broke down then and started to cry. His tears were harsh and sounded as though it was torn from his throat but Hisoka took it as a good sign. He could finally feel him lose some of the control he had on his emotions and he was well prepared. Keeping a tight hold on his shield but still able to feel him, Hisoka gathered his trembling form in his arms and hugged him tight.
"That's right," he murmured. "You can cry. It's okay. You'll feel better, ne?" Words of comfort fell out of his mouth as he continued to hug Kyo. His tears were soaking his shirt but Hisoka didn't care. Taking his cue from Takashi, he stroked Kyo's hair and murmured in his ear.
It wasn't a cure-all but it's a start. With this, maybe he can start to put it all behind him, with Takashi's help. He'll never completely forget, none of them do, but at least, it'll hurt less.
A sound of movement alerted him and Hisoka looked up. Framed in the doorway was Takashi. He stood there silently but when Hisoka tilted his head questioningly, he backed away. Green eyes frowned in consternation but Takashi spun around and left.
Hisoka stared at the now empty doorway.
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Kyo was crying. But it sounded like a good kind of cry. You know, the healing kind. And all because of Hisoka.
He kept on failing him, didn't he?
Takashi stumbled to the living room, ignoring Hisoka's obvious invitation to come in to the bedroom and take his place. God, he wanted to. He wanted to hold Kyo in his arms and comfort him and keep him safe. But he can't. If he couldn't do it then, how could he do it now?
Tsuzuki was in the kitchen making some fresh tea and called out as he went to the sitting room but Takashi ignored him. Reaching the couch, his legs finally failed him and I sank down to the floor.
"Takashi?" came Tsuzuki's alarmed voice.
He didn't look up but felt him hurrying to his side. Tsuzuki tried to get him up but he refused to move. He wanted to die all over again.
"What's wrong?"
Takashi tried to work his throat and said numbly, "I wanted to help him. But I couldn't. I never could help him. Even when he badly needed it. I don't deserve him."
"Don't say that! You both belong together!"
"But I don't deserve him."
"What the hell are you talking about?" His voice was still scratchy from crying but it held much of his old fire.
Takashi winced and tried to move away but arms locked around him and he was forced to look at him straight in the eyes. His eyes were beautiful as always. They looked like flecks of ice, so pale and seeming to glow with a light of their own. The trials he had been through added a certain weariness to them, adding vulnerability but Takashi thought he looked even more beautiful for it.
"Kyo, I. . ." he looked away.
"What? Tell me," he demanded.
"I don't deserve you," Takashi said hoarsely and tried to break away but his grip was strong.
"And like I asked you before, why the hell not?"
Kyo had never talked to him like that before with such a harsh tone and he winced now.
"When you needed me the most, I couldn't help you!" he burst out. "All I could do was stand there and watched! And even afterwards, there was still nothing I could do to help you! I can't even keep you safe from the nightmares! So yes, I don't deserve you!"
A moment of silence and then, "Idiot."
Takashi gaped at him and despite himself, he started to feel a bit annoyed. What's with the idiot thing?
Kyo saw his flash of irritation and though his face was ravaged from crying, he smiled slightly. "Yes, you can't stop the nightmares, but," he continued as Takashi wilted, "did you know, when you're not beside me, the nightmares get worse."
"They. . .they do?"
"Yeah, why do you think I was making such a fuss about getting back to active duty? And," he added softly, "You did help me."
He gave Kyo a disbelieving look.
"You did. You're the reason I held on. After I did the spell of unbinding, I wanted to die. The pain was terrible. But you kept me going. You made me want to live."
"But I should have done more! I should have fought harder! I sh-"
"You gave more than enough," Kyo interrupted him firmly. "Not once did I think you failed me. You are everything to me, Taka. If you leave me like this, then I might as well die. Because then I won't have any reason to live."
He couldn't answer him. Instead, he hung my head as the tears leaked out.
"You are everything to me, Taka," he went on insistently. "Without you by my side, I would have given up a long time ago."
"I'm still sorry."
He sighed. "If you want to feel sorry, fine. As long as you believe me."
"Aa. But you have to let me doubt myself once in a while," Takashi smiled shakily.
"Do that and you can spend eternity in heaven alone on the couch."
He gaped. "You actually heard me when I. . .er, said that?"
Kyo rolled his eyes and laughingly poked him in the ribs. "Kinda hard not to when you were screaming in my ear."
"Hey, at least it got you back."
"That's right," the mood of levity vanished and Kyo cupped his face between his hands. "I came back for you and I will always come back for you."
He clasped Kyo's hand and rubbed his palm softly against his cheek. "And I you," he whispered. He leant forward slightly and placed a gentle kiss on Kyo's forehead. But even then, Takashi could feel him trembling slightly.
"You do realize," Kyo started, hesitant, "That it's not that I don't want to, it's just. . .I guess I need some time to adjust."
"I understand perfectly. Hey, if we can do it before we got married, then we can damn well do it now. Though," Takashi added thoughtfully, "when you do feel up to it, I might end up not letting you out of bed for a week."
"Promise?" Kyo smiled cheekily.
He crossed my heart and snapped his fingers twice. "I promise."
Kyo sighed and rested his head against his shoulder. He relished the feel of him, fitting him so perfectly as though they were made just for each other. Cliché, yeah, but it's true.
They sat like that in silence for a few minutes and only then that Takashi realized that Hisoka and Tsuzuki were gone. Those two must have let themselves out without them realizing. Takashi reminded himself to thank them tomorrow. Kyo stirred a bit then and mumbled into his shoulder.
"You know, what with vomiting regularly and having the occasional hysterical outburst, I'm feeling kinda tired."
"I don't blame you."
"So do you mind if I quietly pass out in your arms now?"
"Please feel free to do so."
"Thanks. Oh yeah, I love you."
"I love you too."
And Kyo quietly, gracefully, did pass out.
~ * ~
My true love hath my heart and I have his
By just exchange one for the other given
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss
There never was a better bargain driven
His heart in me keeps me and him in me
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides
He loves my heart for once it was his own
I cherish his, because in me it hides
His heart his wound received from my sight
My heart was wounded with his wounded heart
For as from me on him his hurt did light
So still methought in me his hurt did smart
Both equal hurt, in this change sought our bliss
My true love hath my heart and I have his
~Sir Phillip Sydney~
~*~
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~to be continued~
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A/N: . . . . .ack. my back's killing me.