8th May 2005: Due to this website's recent outright ban of songfics, I have had to edit my songfics and remove the song lyrics so as not to have them deleted. I am also reposting all of my other fics (without making changes to them) so that they appear in the right order on my profile. I apologise if this annoys anyone. ((I am still hoping to produce more chapters for this fic, however, there will almost certainly be no new ones until at least July - i.e. after I've finished my exams. That means there'll have been at least twenty months between chapters two and three. That must be some kind of record...))

Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to Eoin Colfer, except the generic unnamed fairies who are probably too boring to belong to anyone.

Author's Note: Yes, chapter two is finally here. Hopefully you won't have to wait ten months for the next chapter... Although it would've only been nine months if I hadn't been ill, because I wrote this several weeks ago but couldn't post it until today. Anyway, it's here now and I hope you enjoy it. (trundles away)

TALES FROM THE LEP : ROOT

Day 1

Knew today was to be a good day almost as soon as walked into building. Yelled at three elves before even reached own office. Suspect it was their first day but still think they deserved it. Nobody should be that perky so early.

Passed Short's cubicle whilst prowling around in search of perky fairies/fairies with red complexions. Noticed she was attempting to put her chair back together. Decided it was best not to ask. Female elves are funny.

Still, was pleased to note that am grumpiest and reddest person on whole floor. Mood only improved by large cigar and fact that managed to terrify another two elves and a sprite.

Day 2

Was standing in front of mirror in my office today when had impulsive moment. Asked "mirror, mirror, on the wall - who's the reddest of them all?" Felt v. foolish when no reply came... and when noticed Corporal Newt had just poked his head around the door to ask about some forms. Shouted at him for not knocking and then felt slightly better. Shall have to impress upon him the importance of never mentioning this incident again.

Day 3

Some stupid co-worker moved my wastebin today. Was not expecting it to be there, and so fell over it. Lovely cigar was squashed into carpet. Carpet now has small burn mark from that, and larger burn mark from where cigar set alight wastepaper in wastebin.

Narrowly avoided total disaster by using hydrosion shell. Stupid Foaly good for something, at least.

Bright side is that was v. red person afterwards. Proud of my amazing redness under pressure. Also, noticed Short was laughing v. hard. Whether or not it was her who moved my wastebin, I am going to punish her. She's bound to have done something, and, anyway, she laughed!

Shouted at a gnome today. Did not realise he was a civilian until he ran away without saluting. Sure he was too scared to report it though.

Day 4

Sent Short on snack-run today. Requested a latte but thought drink tasted more like mocha - suspect Short ordered wrong thing on purpose.

Another fairy was attacked by a wastebin today - Corporal Newt, from Traffic. Broke an arm and a leg. I had a moment when I wondered if the wastebins were fed up of having rubbish dumped in them and were rebelling. Decided instead that I have been spending too much time with Foaly.

Did, in fact, talk to the donkey this morning. Mentioned I was rather glad to have escaped with only a squashed cigar, rather than broken bones - magic may heal them, but the breaking still hurts. Centaur suggested that lack of damage may be due to the "built-in cushion" on my stomach. Stupid Foaly.

Day 5

Thought it might be a nice idea to send Newt a get well card. We are both wastebin victims, after all. Wrote encouraging message inside: "get well soon, and if you tell anyone about that thing with the mirror I'll break your other arm and leg."

Short is obviously losing her touch. After latte/mocha thing yesterday, made her fetch a new box of cigars for me. It was easy to tell she'd slipped in a fake one, and not just because of the grin plastered across her face... She'd forgotten to remove the joke shop label. Noticed it was of the exploding variety, so lit it and had it returned to her sharpish.

Fairly sure that bang could be heard two streets away.

Day 6

Discovered that it was Short who moved the wastebins. She'd confided in Foaly, who told everyone as soon as she had gone. Suspect, however, that cushion joke may have been repeated... Can feel self turning red just at thought. Glad I sent Short to do those errands, even if much redness has come from this.

After having a long session of shouting at Short, decided to go on the prowl for others to terrorise. Only found one elf - total disgrace. Must be out of practice. Shall have to start a new daily anger routine. Wonder if there are instructional videos available?

Day 7

Short called in sick today. Short is never sick. Suspect something fishy is going on. Foaly is definitely involved. He wouldn't stop humming, and actually tried to hug me. Stupid Foaly, am not teddy bear. Even threatening to slash his budget had no effect - had to resort to kicking him in the shins.

Did some more prowling today, and came across Corporal Frond painting her toenails. Not only does she squeal perkily, but she also runs perkily whilst simultaneously trying to salute and escape.

Checked up on Newt; have not seen him for days and reckoned he ought to have been back by now. Turns out that even though the medics healed him on arrival, he insisted upon staying "for observation". Either he really loves hospital food, or he's scared of returning to work. Hope it's my card that's preying on his mind, and not Short. She's barely red at all - she doesn't deserve fear!

Day 8

Found three gnomes having an unauthorised conference today. Had immense fun telling them to get back to work - at top volume, of course. However they were v. angry and growled at me. One may have bitten my leg; he certainly jumped at me and now my leg is sore.

Needed to sit down and rest after that. Decided to have a bit of fun doodling on pile of papers on my desk. Drew me giving that pony a good kick in the pants. Was v. fun and could hardly suppress my glee.

Unfortunately the centaur chose that moment to wander in and hand me an "important" memo. Gave him a good shouting at to calm self but he just informed me that my stick figure wasn't very true to life, as it should have been a blob figure.

Stupid Foaly.

Day 9

Short was back at work today, although she looked as though she'd been mauled by a rabid feline. Knowing Short, she probably had. Even so, I sent her to run more errands - still not forgiven her for the wastebin incident. And why should I? V. good excuse to make someone else fetch my coffee.

Guessed that Short had done something to my coffee so did not drink it. Instead kept it to throw at next person who came into office me. Turned out to be my superior, Chairman Cahartez. Luckily noticed this at last instant and instead sloshed coffee over carpet.

Would have been disaster if I had damaged his pointy hat. Might've been forced to pay for dry cleaning bills.

Day 10

Found something rather odd today. Was "DIE FROND DIE" message written on scrap of paper. Looked like Short's handwriting. Turned it over and discovered something else: "note to self, write death threat to Frond to cover up plan for Ultimate Revenge on Foaly." Whole-heartedly support Ultimate Revenge plan but suspect it better not to let Short know this. Just erased the note on back of paper and left it in more pertinent place, to help with cover-up operation.

Later was feeling v. bored so decided to be even more helpful and go shout at Frond. Now she will already be in state of panic when she receives death threat. Am genius.

Unlike that centaur, of course, who is completely useless and deserves to have Ultimate Revenge exacted upon him. Stupid Foaly.

Day 11

Brilliant day today! Spied a young elf wandering around and looking very lost. Had a little bit of fun before got stuck right into him. Crossed the corridor he was walking down, then quickly ran around the back of some cubicles and crossed the corridor in the same direction. Did not see his face, but suspect he was dumbfounded. If he actually noticed, that is.

When finally confronted him, only managed to get half way through my sentence before he burst into tears. Then he dashed away bawling about his Mummy. Had to pretend I was having a coughing fits for the rest of the day... Kept remembering the whole scene and couldn't help laughing. But must preserve image of being uncaring and mean commander. Will gain no respect otherwise.

Stupid Foaly does not respect me as it is.

Day 12

D'Arvit. Had a bit of a shock today. In fact, quite a large shock. The elder brother of the elf I upset yesterday came to have a little "talk" with me. He is Trouble with a capital T. And I mean that literally - the elf from yesterday was Grub Kelp.

Trouble is v. scary. He is also v. good at suggestion. He was curiously calm the whole time he was in my office, but was v. menacing. Have promised self that will never terrorise young elves again, in case they are Grub - do not want to "end up resembling Swiss cheese, if you know what I mean" just because I can't tell them apart.

Glad that outrank Trouble, else whole situation could have been much worse. Was not red person today, was v. white. And I had to change my trousers. V. embarrassing. Hope this does not get out...