I never meant to…
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!
A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.
Now I have to thank Herbie, for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.
Mione-n-Ron4ever I haven't stopped writing this story, but exams are getting really close now, and I haven't really picked up a book to revise and I have my French and Spanish speaking tests to prepare for, so the updates are going to be quite slow until the end of June when they all finish. Oh and thank you for all your reviews too.
I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Really chuffed to hear about your counselling being cut down. I'm not going any more cause well he was not good I didn't like him. I go talk to one my teachers now, she's safe.
In answer to one of Herbie's questions is Ron based on any of my mates, yes he is. He is based on 5of them Steph, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Emma all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.
I'd also like to make an apology for this really late update, O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.
A knock on McGonagall's office door caught her attention away from the fifth year's essays she had been grading. She eased herself out of her comfortable chair and opened the door.
"Hello Mr Weasley, what can I do for you this evening?"
"I found an ideal letter for you to confront Hermione with, your still going to do it aren't you Professor?" His voice rose with slight panic at the thought of her forgetting the plan they had formed the previous night.
"Of course I will would you care to come in?"
"No thank you, I promised Hermione I'd meet her in the library, for a bit of revision in preparation for the OWLS just thought I'd quickly drop the note off, I mean the quicker you confront her the quicker she'll get better right?" Ron's voice sounded hopeful, and McGonagall could see the anticipation of his best friend returning to normal in his eyes.
"Well it won't be resolved straight away, but it should begin to move along quickly. I would like to talk to you about it though."
"Sorry, not right now, Hermione will kill me if I'm late for a revision session, you know what she's like about school and exams," he gave a quick wry smile.
"Well then Mr Weasley you better not keep Miss Granger waiting, I wouldn't like to get you into trouble after all." She gave him a small genuine smile, as he ran off down the corridor.
"No running Mr Weasley!" He quickly slowed down to a fast walk once the sound of her office door closing reached him he sprinted down the corridors and staircase towards the library.
As soon as she had closed her door she neglected her marking for a few minutes and settled herself into a snug red armchair, tucking her feet underneath her, and carefully unfolded the note she had been given by Ron.
26th December 2002
Dear RonI hate it here; I want to come back to school now! You wouldn't believe how awful this Christmas has been!
What's happened to make her feel this way about Christmas, most of the children adore this holiday what with all the presents they receive and the big family dinners they have. Oh I understand now, dinner.
I hate my family they wouldn't leave me alone. I had to eat yesterday, a whole Christmas dinner I had to eat. They wouldn't let me leave the table until everything on my plate had been eaten. My grandma was sitting opposite, and watched my every move throughout the whole meal, as did my grandad and cousin who had sat themselves on either side of me. I could feel their eyes on me, they didn't think I knew, but I could feel them watching me as I put a piece of food in my mouth. Do you know how conscious I was of what I was doing?
Well at least I know that her family are most likely to be aware of the problem, that's one letter that won't be as hard to write anymore. The poor child though, to feel like that towards her family when all their trying to do is look after her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Its apparent from the sound of it that she's completely lost control over this problem. Why didn't I see this before?
It hurt so much Ron, it hurt my stomach, and it still hurts now. I could feel the food hitting the bottom of my stomach, and I knew instantly I was putting on weight. I could feel it happening! Every piece of food that went into my mouth meant that I was putting on weight. Do you know how depressing that thought was, I was putting all the weight on that I had worked so hard to lose. Its not easy starving yourself you know! You might not know that, but it really isn't easy. You have to ignore the temptation of food, because all it can do is make you fat, and yesterday I gave into that temptation. I feel so guilty and dirty. All that effort was in vain because of my family and their food!
I can't believe a 15-year-old girl can feel so much hate and pain towards food. I wonder how much damage she has done to her body. Poppy will have to give her a full medical to find out. I wonder if Albus has told her yet?
Its my family's fault, if they hadn't of made me eat, I wouldn't feel this way. They just want to make me fatter than I already am! Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't they let me get on with my life? They don't understand how long it's going to take me to get all this weight off again.
Why can't the child see what is going on? Doesn't she understand that they are only trying to look out for her? She's supposed to be a bright and sensible girl, but why can't she see through this? Why can't she see that this problem has completely took over the way she thinks, the way she feels towards other people and most of all her actions towards food.
I hate them I hate them all! I wish I were at Hogwarts with you and Harry; at least I'd have someone to talk to, instead of my family. My cousin kept looking over at me yesterday when she thought I wasn't looking. They must all think I'm stupid that I don't see these glances and looks I'm sent every so often by every member of the family. She looked as though she wanted to come and talk to me, but then she would decide not to. I don't know what she wants to talk about, no doubt it will come out today. Yep that's right their all coming round our house again today. See with our family, everyone comes round on Boxing Day for a buffet of all the left over food from yesterday. Won't that be fun! I have to eat again, oh what a joyous occasion Christmas is.
She truly sounds scared of the prospect having to eat. This needs to be sorted out soon, I'll have Albus look over this letter and consult him over how I should broach the subject to Hermione. God help me, this is going to be difficult.
Before I go thanks a lot for the present Ron, it was really sweet; I have to write a letter to Harry after this one. I hope you won your snowball fight against Fred and George, but I really have to go, their all coming round in half hour and I'm still in my new pyjamas. I'll see you soon, write back quickly, I don't know whether I will be able to cope with my family and food for another whole day before I begin to get stressed out!
All my love
Hermione (A/n: that's the whole of chapter nine, but it thought I'd insert it, so you could see the note Ron had given McGonagall and her thoughts.)
She carefully folded the note up once again and placed it into the pocket of her robe, she'd show Dumbledore at dinner for his opinion.
Dinner wasn't Hermione's favourite time of the day. She could see the plates of food that stretched down each of the houses tables. This food, all of it could and would and would make her fat! There was no question about it this could be her downfall. All she had to do was look at it, and a sour taste would rise in her throat. As she scanned the table, and the people sitting close to her, she could smell the food. She didn't need to taste it to know, that in her mind there was no doubt to how delicious that would taste. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Ron eating chicken drumsticks, the enjoyment of each bite shining in his eyes. She remembered the taste of them, and her eyes stared at them hungrily. Opposite her sat Harry and Ginny. Harry was tucking into his last few roast potatoes. They were another favourite of hers; there was such a contrast between the crunch outer skin, and the soft white potato inside. To the left of Harry sat Ginny, she had finished dinner and was now on desert. Hermione's favourite course, but then the most fattening. Ginny was eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream, with chocolate sauce piled on top. Hermione could feel the jealousy begin to build up in her. Why could Ginny eat that ice cream, without considering the fact that, that sweet flavoured pudding would make her fat. How could she do it didn't she know the consequences of what she was doing to herself, she'd have to live with those consequences when she became fat. The thought of becoming fat could not out weigh the idea of chocolate ice cream melting in her mouth.
Maybe a small spoonful wouldn't be too bad, I mean a spoonful couldn't put that much weight on surely. Half her mind was trying to persuade her to eat the ice cream, and her stomach was backing up the argument. However a larger part of her brain brought her back to her senses. How could she eat such a thing like that. She would ruin everything, she'd put even more weight on than she already had. She'd get fatter and fatter with each spoonful of such a vile thing.
A slight shiver went down her spine as she brought herself back to her senses. What had even made her consider such a stupid idea of even considering eating that ice cream. The sour taste of vomit rose back in her throat at the thought of all the food surrounding her, and that ice cream sitting in front of her. The thought of it touching her lips turned her stomach.
"Hermione, are you alright, you haven't eaten tonight?"
"What?" Hermione was brought of the conflict that was raging between the two sides of her mind by Ginny's inquisitive voice.
"I said are you alright, you haven't eaten. Are you feeling ill? Maybe you should go and see Madame Pomfrey."
"No!" Hermione had raised her voice slightly more than she had wished to, and her sudden outburst had caught the attention of the Gryffindor table, the head table and some of the students sitting close by. The Gryffindor table had come to standstill and all eye were looking at Hermione interested in what had caused her outcry. Ginny's eyes were wide in unbelief, trying to work out what she had said to cause her protest. She gave a quick glance to Harry who shook his head unknowing what was wrong. He gazed intently at Hermione expecting an explanation to be given soon. Hermione glanced out of the corner of her eye to see Ron. He was gazing at her with his blue eyes, she could see his worry flickering in them. She glanced up at the head table to see another hushed silence up there with all gazes concentrating on her. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes had vanished, and McGonagall's were narrowed with scrutiny
She felt the temperature in the room begin to rise, or was she beginning to blush? Why were they all looking? What had she done? Did she look fat? The paranoia was beginning to set in, with many eyes focused on her she began to feel quite conscious of her weight. She knew she was fat, they were staring at her because of her size. They were looking down on her, wondering why anybody could be so fat. Why did they have to look, why did they have to stare? She knew she was fat she didn't need their eyes to tell her what she already knew. She couldn't take it anymore she had to get away from those stares; she had to get away from it all.
Her chair scraped back as she stood up and fled from the hall, she managed to keep her tears hidden until she entered the entrance hall, only then did she let her tears flow freely as she ran towards the common room and her dormitory.
McGonagall was about to stand up to leave, and follow the distraught member of her house, but was stopped by a hand that was placed on top of hers. She looked to see Dumbledore incline his head towards the Gryffindor table, Ron had stood up and was following Hermione's path out from the Hall. McGonagall lowered herself back into the chair and felt Dumbledore patting her hand. Leave it to Ron for the minute you should follow later. Let him try and talk to her, she opened her mouth to protest but was stopped by the gentle squeeze of her hand, and the nodding of his head before they both returned to the food in front of them.
Hermione reached the portrait of the Fat Lady in no time at all, but by that time she was out of breath finding it hard to breath.
"Are you alright dearie?" She opened her mouth to answer, but she didn't seem to be able to form the words to answer her, so instead decided to nod her head. It took Hermione a few minutes to regain her breath to even be able to mutter the password, as an alternative she had slid to the floor leaning against the cold stonewall.
"Maybe I should go and get you some help," the fat lady offered
"No!" this time however her protest was weak and gasping. She lowered her head and rested it against her knees taking slow shuddering breaths, trying to ease the pain that was present in her chest with every breath took.
"Hermione?" The soft and reproachable voice of Ron bounced of the walls of the corridor. She slowly lifted her head to look at him.
"Go away Ron!" she told him in a weak and feeble voice. There was no feeling put into the demand and for once Ron could see a weak and helpless girl. He lowered himself on to the floor next to her and put his arm around her.
"Leave me alone Ron, I've already told you just go away!" Once again he ignored the request this time pulling her closer to him.
"What's the matter Hermione, why are you sitting out here?"
"She couldn't say the password"
"What?" Ron turned his head to look up at the fat lady who was watching the scene in front of her unfold.
"The poor girl was out of breath by the time she reached me, didn't have enough breath to tell me the password and you know the rules I couldn't let her in without her telling it to me. I offered to get her help but she refused it. Then she just sat down and began to cry again from the look in her eyes when she reached here."
"Come on Hermione, lets get you inside before people begin to arrive back from dinner, you don't want them to see you in this state do you? She shook her head and was helped up by Ron. He was surprised at how little effort he needed to put into pulling her up, she was scarily light.
Ron gave the portrait the password and helped Hermione into the common room and up the stairs to her dormitory. She got changed and crawled into bed, Ron left her to go and talk to Harry and Ginny.
"Are you sure she's alright mate?" Harry asked looking at Ron intently trying to find any hint that could tell him Ron was lying through his teeth.
"Yeah she's fine don't worry she's feeling a bit emotional at the minute, she hasn't really told me much but I think that perhaps we should leave her be for the minute."
"I still don't understand what I said to her to make her run out of the hall, I only asked whether she was alright, and if she wasn't feeling well she should go and see Madame Pomfrey." Ginny was on the verge of tears at having upset the girl upstairs so much. Harry placed a comforting arm round her.
"Don't worry Gin, Ron's already said she's feeling slightly emotional, the stress of the OWLS is probably getting on top of her, you know what Hermione's like when it comes to exams?" Ginny gave a shaky laugh at Harry's comment, Ron however saw it as a brilliant excuse, Harry didn't know just how much he had saved him from answering difficult questions that could arise from his sister.
"Harry's right Gin, Hermione's getting a tiny bit stressed out with these exams coming up, they're important to her, and I don't think she's getting much sleep what with studying late into the night" He seemed to have convinced Ginny with his little speech, but wasn't to sure on Harry, who was gazing at him. "I'm going to check on Hermione take a bit of chocolate to her." Ron explained quickly, and was on his way up the stairs when Ginny's voice called out.
"Ron will you tell her I'm sorry if I said anything to offend her" Ron smiled sadly at his sister and nodded his head.
"Sure I will Gin, but trust me none of this is your fault."
Ron slowly and as quietly as possible opened the door leading into the 5th year girls dormitory. He knew Hermione was the only one in there as he had seen the others talking to Seamus and Dean. He heard a sniffling come from Hermione's bed and saw a curled up ball underneath the blankets. He hated to see her like this; the sight he saw now was one he wished he would soon be able to rid from his memory sometime soon. One of his best friends was hiding underneath her bedcovers, hiding from the world, and crying he eyes out. He could see the jerky movements of her body as she cried and cried her heart out. He wanted to comfort her but he didn't no what to do he didn't no what to say. Part of him wanted to take her by the shoulders and give her a shake, trying to get her to see sense that what she was doing was wrecking her life. She couldn't go on like this she needed help, she was destroying her body and her life but she just couldn't see it. The other half however wanted to comfort her, to tell her that she wasn't fat and that he knew she would get through all this, but in all honesty he didn't know whether she would anymore. Had she gone to far down the track of self-destruction that she wouldn't be able to return?
Back down in the common room Harry and Ginny were having a conversation with Professor McGonagall
"Have you seen Miss Granger?"
"Yes she's upstairs in her dormitory, Ron's up there too" Ginny explained trying to hold back tears.
"Is he really?"
"It's nothing like that Professor" Harry told her quickly before she could jump to conclusions. "His trying to calm her down after her outburst at dinner." McGonagall nodded her head.
"Yes I wanted to talk to her about that." She went to leave but was stopped by an outcry by Ginny.
"It was my fault it was all my fault!" McGonagall spun round on her heel to face Ginny.
"What are you talking about Miss Weasley?"
"I made her run out of the hall it was something I said to her" the tears that had been fighting to escape had succeeded and were now falling freely. Once again Harry's arm found its way around Ginny's shoulders, and McGonagall had to suppress a smile. She sat opposite Ginny and had her explain what she meant.
"I asked if she was alright because she hadn't eaten." The whole incident now slotted into place, she nodded her head at Ginny who took it as her cue to continue with the explanation. "Well I told her that if she was feeling unwell then she should see Madame Pomfrey."
"I take it she didn't like that idea." Ginny shook her head and Harry pulled him towards her. "I'll go and speak to her, but I'm sure that its not your fault Miss Granger is no doubt under a lot of pressure with the OWLS." Ginny nodded her head,
"That's what Ron said." McGonagall gave her a smile and headed up the staircase leading to the Girl's dormitory.
"Do you get the feeling that they all know something that we don't? Harry asked as McGonagall disappeared for sight.
"Don't be so paranoid Harry of course they don't."
Ron was standing by Hermione's bed still looking at the sight in front of him, the wreck Hermione had become. He felt a hand land on his shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. He looked round to see Professor McGonagall standing next to him. She led him quietly out of the room, I'll have a talk with you soon Mr Weasley, but I think its time for me to talk to Hermione. Ron nodded his head and slowly headed back down the stairs to the common room, glancing back at McGonagall every now and again as he went. McGonagall entered the room silently her abilities she gained during her animagus transformation remained with her. She slowly seated herself on Hermione's bed. Hermione could feel the weight of someone sitting on her bed, and no guesses as to whom it was.
"Ron I told you already, go away and leave me alone!"
"Its Professor McGonagall Miss Granger, and I will not be going away, I think we need to talk don't' you?"
A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter, I just wrote that from around three in the morning, so I don't think its all that good, very tired but can't sleep, just like Hermione actually. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. Updates will probably be a lot slower now because I unfortunately have to start revising for my wonderful exams that start the beginning of May.
This is my longest chapter ever, but that might be cause it contains another one, I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.