I never meant to…
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!
A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.
Now I have to thank Herbie, for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.
Mione-n-Ron4ever I haven't stopped writing this story, but exams are getting really close now, and I haven't really picked up a book to revise and I have my French and Spanish speaking tests to prepare for, so the updates are going to be quite slow until the end of June when they all finish. Oh and thank you for all your reviews too.
I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Sorry to hear about your set back. I had one not so long ago, really bad, and my friends went into 'help mode' as well. Then I ended up having massive row with them all because they went and got me help. I am so glad they did though.
Big thanks to MouseBrat, I'm fine like I said did have a little set back that stopped me from updating for a while but please feel free to e-mail me at its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com
Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, its cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.
Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.
You might notice that I use eating disorders a lot throughout this chapter, and I'm sorry for repeating it so much but I don't actually like saying anorexia or anorexic I think its scares me a little just don't like those words.
O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.
"Ron I told you already, go away and leave me alone!"
"It's Professor McGonagall Miss Granger, and I will not be going away, I think we need to talk don't you?
Hermione tried to ignore the Professor sitting on the edge, hoping that if she took no notice of her she'd go away. They remained in silence for five minutes, to Hermione's dismay the weight did not shift, but was beginning to become impatient.
"Miss Granger this is not the time to be playing silly little games, I have a need to talk to you, and I do not wished to be ignored!" The message was loud and clear to Hermione her Professor wasn't going anywhere however long she tried to overlook her presence.
Professor McGonagall could feel a small amount of slow movement as the curled up figure began to stir. She saw the figure begin to uncurl and slowly move towards the pillows from the middle of the bed. She gradually sat up, careful to keep the covers hiding her face. Only when she sternly called the girls name did she peek over the duvet. The appearance she saw of this girl was a total contrast to the girl she was used to seeing. Instead of the headstrong proud and somewhat confident girl she knew, she could only make out the vulnerable little girl she had become. Her eyes were all swollen and red from what could only be considered as a vast amount of crying. Her eyes were still full of un-fallen tears, as well as black streaks of mascara. Her face was drained of all natural colours, she could see only patches of foundation and powder, and they had obviously been rubbed off in her distress. They were no doubt an attempt to cover her lack of skin colour. Her cheekbones were far more prominent than she had noticed before, signifying a great weight loss from the girls face; she wondered how the rest of her body would have been affected.
Hermione slowly uncurled from her ball and began to sit up clutching the bedcovers as she did so. As she peeked over them to look at her stern Professor, she was surprised to see a look of sympathy and care. She could feel her eyes taking in her image, and she couldn't help but wonder what a state she must have looked. While the Professor scanned over her face Hermione couldn't help but stare at her, and once the Professor had finished her scan she to gazed back at Hermione.
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about Professor?" The strain in her voice was evident as she tried to keep it from wavering. The Professor gave a stern look, indicating that Hermione should have known what the talk was about.
"Miss Granger…" However it had clicked in Hermione's head that she must have been there because her small scene in the Great Hall
"I didn't mean to make an outburst at dinner, I'm just under a lot of stress with the OWLS coming up, and Ginny just kept asking me questions and I just wanted to eat in peace!" Hermione was quite pleased with how her explanation had just gone. She'd been able to lie without preparing any of it. Nevertheless she couldn't miss McGonagall's look. She stared over the top of her glasses in what seemed to be slight disbelief.
"You wanted to eat dinner peacefully?" Hermione's head snapped up and glared intensely at her. Shit, McGonagall mentally cursed maybe that wasn't quite the correct way to put it.
"What do you mean by that Professor?" Hermione's words came out a little to harshly than she had meant, and McGonagall looked quite taken aback. Think Minerva think you need to involve this letter from Ron.
"Well Miss Granger one of the house elves came across quite an interesting piece of paper while cleaning the fifth year boys dormitories." Hermione's face became colourless as she took in what she was being told.
"What was on that piece of paper?" Hermione couldn't help the small hesitation in her voice.
"I have it right here with me, you are welcome to take a look." McGonagall slowly pulled out a folded piece of parchment and handed it to Hermione. She took the note from the Professor, and McGonagall couldn't help but notice the shaking hands Hermione had now developed.
Hermione carefully unfolded the note, scared of what its contents maybe. This was it she'd been found out for sure, they were going to try and stop her. They were going to take away the only control over her life she had left. Why? Why did they have to become involved? She should never have told Ron. This was his fault. This was his entire fault she was going to loose everything all because of him, and his so called caring.
She scanned the note, recognising her handwriting. She looked at the date 26th December. God she remembered this day well, the pain of having to eat two meals in two days, God did she pay for giving into temptation. She'd put on weight that week, she couldn't remember how much, but it had set her back a bit. She had to work extra hard that week not eating for 6 days to make up for her failure and lack of control. She glanced over the letter. The feelings of hate towards her family came flooding back as she remembered the stares as she ate, the glances to check she was all right. How she had hated being under examination for those two weeks. She glanced up and saw Professor McGonagall studying her face for a reaction.
"How did the house elves get this?" Hermione demanded, her voice once again far different from what she had thought it would sound like.
"They found it lying on the floor next to Mr Weasley's trunk, not knowing what it was or whether it did actually belong to Mr Weasley, they read the note and then brought it straight to me out of concern." McGonagall was quite surprised at how relaxed she had managed to keep her voice. Hermione was seething her eyes bore into McGonagall trying to find any trace of lying, but could not find any.
"They had no right to read a private letter!" Hermione's voice had once again become the strong and confident voice McGonagall was use to. The anger she was feeling was clearly expressed through it.
"They did not know that it was private, and did not know of its contents, but when they did they brought it straight to me as I have already said. Now Miss Granger is there anything you would like to tell me to explain the contents of this note?" McGonagall took the letter from Hermione's hand, folded it back up and returned to her pocket, making a mental note to return it to Mr Weasley as soon as possible.
"I don't really think that it has brought up a subject to discuss"
"Miss Granger do not act like a fool. You are a smart girl, and you know what that letter implies, now would you like to tell me about it?"
"I'm sure I don't understand what you're getting at Professor…"
"Miss Granger don't try and be ignorant to this. You know very well what that letter implies, and if I have to spell it out to you then I will. This letter gives me reason to believe that you are suffering from an eating disorder." Once again the colours from Hermione's face visibly drained.
"I…I..."
"Now I would like to talk to you about it, and this time it isn't a request Miss Granger!"
What would you like me to say Professor, where do you want me to start?"
"How about we start from the beginning, when did this all begin?"
"When did it all begin, that's quite a hard question to answer. I think it was at the beginning of summer, but then I don't really remember it that much. It isn't that bad you know."
"What do you mean its not that bad, do you remember what you wrote in that letter or do you need a few quotes to jog your memory." McGonagall withdrew the letter quickly and unfolded it, ready to read a few chosen references.
"No I remember what I wrote, but it isn't that bad, I don't understand why people won't listen to me when I tell them that there is no problem, and that I am completely under control of what is happening." McGonagall's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "What? I know what I'm doing, there is no need for anyone to get involved in this. If you all left me alone to get on with my life then I'd be fine, and so much happier."
"Miss Granger if we left you alone to get on with your life then, I some how doubt that you would be around much longer."
"That's a slight exaggeration Professor, you have to do far worst than I do to get into that sort of situation. I mean I am perfectly fine thank you very much."
"Miss Granger 10% of anorexics die, you could be one of those 10% if you do not cease to stop this." Hermione's eyes narrowed in anger.
"I am not, I repeat not anorexic, why do people assume this. I know whose put this idea into your head its Ron isn't it. I should never have told him anything this is all his fault if I hadn't have wrote those stupid letters to him than no one would have been involved, I could have been left alone in peace, left alone to get on with things!"
"Miss Granger I did not hear this from Mr Weasley, and do I have to point out to you that you are a very lucky to girl to have a friend like him. He obviously cares about what you're doing to yourself to notice what was going on and to write you letters. Miss Granger I strongly advise that you do not try to push away the help myself and Mr Weasley are trying to give to you."
"Help!" Hermione flung the bedcovers off the bed and stood up to face McGonagall. "Help! You're trying to help me by trying to take over this situation. The only situation I myself am in control of. I don't need yours or Ron's help I am perfectly capable of getting on with my life without help. I'm not going to let you, Ron or anyone take over this, it's my only control and I won't give it up easily!"
"Miss Granger how can you insist that you are in control of this situation when it is clear that you are not. Listen to yourself your isolating yourself from everyone, including Ron. How can you possibly believe that you are in control? I strongly request that you put some careful consideration into what your doing and the consequences that will arise from pushing those who are trying to help you away!" McGonagall got up to leave and Hermione stared at her retreating back.
"I don't mean to" Hermione whispered. McGonagall spun round on her heel.
"What was that Miss Granger?"
"I said I don't mean to push people away, I just don't need their help!"
"Is that need or want their help?"
"Both I suppose, look Professor I know your only doing your duty as a teacher and my head of house, but I'm fine. I don't need, or want any help I am in control of what I'm doing, I just need to be left alone without any interference." McGonagall looked at her, she was fighting a losing battle she was not going to admit to this, but something was going to have to be sooner rather than later.
"Miss Granger I can't admit that I know what your doing or even why your doing it, but I would like to make it clear that I am not offering my help just because it is as you put it my duty. I am genuinely concerned about your health, like Mr Weasley is no doubt. However I cannot force you to accept my help. I do however hope you will consider the outcome of what you will end up doing to yourself. The effects that have already taken place are quite clear to me, nevertheless they seem to have completely passed you by. If you ever feel you need to talk Miss Granger, you know where I am, just don't resist the help your friends offer you, just think what will happen when they give up on you." McGonagall turned on her heel and left Hermione alone in the silence of the room, leaving her to contemplate what she had just said.
McGonagall walked back to her rooms trying to shake off the image of Hermione. The skin and bones that had made up her body, that was all she was skin and bones. The vest top that had been part of her pyjama set , drowned her out. It did show off her ribs, each rib prominent in their own right. The skin was pulled so tightly over them she could make out the shape of them. Her shoulder and collarbones, had been the same. The bones near her throat had a sharp edge to them, with the skin pulling on them. Her shoulders were small and bony, that led to her tiny arms and wrists. She no longer had any muscles on her arms, and her wrist, well how the girl was keeping her watch and bracelet on were a complete mystery to her. Her hipbones had stuck out from her pyjama shorts. She'd noticed that they had been pulled to they're tightest. Her legs were, well they were basically non-existent, little sticks that looked as though they could have broken at any movement they had to endure. The girl looked ill, yet she couldn't see it and she had done such an admirable job at hiding it throughout the day. She had reached the entrance to rooms in no time at all, and was quite surprised to see Dumbledore sitting next to the fire when she arrived.
"Cup of tea Minerva?"
"Oh err… yes please Albus." Dumbledore busied himself with the teapot that was sitting on the coffee table next to him. She mad her way over to the chair next to him and seated herself down accepting the cup graciously. "Wh…"
"I'd gathered you had gone to visit Miss Granger when I called round earlier. There was no answer, I hope you don't mind that I made myself comfortable"
"Oh, of course I don't you know I don't mind you popping in. How long have you been here?"
"Around 15minutes, how did your talk go with Miss Granger?"
"Well it could have been a lot more productive than it was, I somehow don't think I've managed to get her to see sense. She is most adamant that there is no problem and that she is in complete control. It was plain to see that she was not but she just doesn't seem to accept it." Dumbledore noticed the tears that had begun to well up in his deputy's eyes and produced a handkerchief from his top left hand pocket. She accepted it and dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry I know I shouldn't let myself get so involved, but she's a bright girl Albus, and she has such a promising future ahead of her."
"You have every right to become involved Minerva, she is one of your precious lions, as I used to put it." McGonagall gave a small weak smile at his comment.
"What can we do to help her though Albus. She's not going to take it willingly she's already told me that."
"There is very little we can do until she is ready to face up to the fact she has a problem."
"Albus we can not leave the girl to her own devices. She will continue to starve herself, we can't allow that to happen!"
"We are aware of the situation as it stands. If Miss Granger is unwilling to get better, then all the help we would give her would be in vain. The girl needs to want to get better until the help we give begins to work."
"Surely your not suggesting we leave her to get on with this. If only you had seen her Albus, you would have seen what a wreck she was. She looked so, so helpless and vulnerable. There was very little left of her only made up of skin and bones. We can't allow this to go any further!" Once again McGonagall's eyes had begun to fill at the memory of the skeleton her student had become. Dumbledore reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Surprised at the amount of desperation present in her voice.
"We won't allow it to go further, but you must understand Minerva that we cannot help her to fully recover until she accepts that she has a problem. All her effort into overcoming this predicament must be used. She must want to get better, otherwise there is little that can be done."
"Well what do you suggest we do? Watch her starve herself until she is ready and willing to see a problem"
"No I do not mean that, I have said already that we shall not let this go any further. We need to make her realise the damage she is doing to her body and life." McGonagall stared at him allowing the words to sink in.
"How exactly do you expect to get the girl to do that? She has completely lost control. If only you had heard her talking, it wasn't the Hermione I knew. It was something else. She seemed to be rationalizing the whole idea of starving herself. She kept repeating the idea that she was in control, it sounded as though she thought that the more she repeated it, the more I would believe what she was saying." Dumbledore nodded his head, and squeezed her hand sensing she was beginning to become saddened again.
"That's what happens Minerva, the eating disorder takes over her, and her mind would be full of mixed emotions, her normal feelings conflicting with those of the eating disorder. Unfortunately as you no doubt will have noticed the eating disorders feelings overpower her regular ones, taking control of the situation, but allowing Miss Granger to think that it is she who is in actual fact in control. In answer to your previous question on how we should get her to realise she has lost control, well I'm not sure of the answer yet, I'm sure we'll figure one out sooner or later." McGonagall nodded her head slowly and gave him a small smile. She gave a quick dab at her eyes, and offered him his handkerchief back. He quietly refused, curling her fingers around it and pushing it towards her. He gave a soft smile and straightened herself up.
"I'm sure you didn't visit me just to talk about Miss Granger now, did you Albus?"
"Well there was an idea that had popped into my head today, what do you think to the idea of a Easter Ball?"
A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter. The Easter Ball's going to play a big part when I get round to writing it. I can't decide whether to write a few hints of romance, not sure, tell me what you reckon. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. Updates will probably be a lot slower now because I unfortunately have to start revising for my wonderful exams that start the beginning of May.
I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.