I never meant to…
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!
A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.
Now I have to thank Herbie and Mione-n-Ron4ever for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.
I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Sorry to hear about your set back. I hope your OK. its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com
Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, it's cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.
Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.
I just got my first flame from some bloke called Dave. Now I can't decide whether it was one or three, I couldn't really understand his third.
I should actually be revising for my English Literature exam tomorrow, but well, you cant really revise for it, so I thought I'd do something more productive with my time. Lets all hope I don't fail.
O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.
A knock on the fifth year girl's bedroom awoke Hermione from her thoughts.
"What?" she hissed.
"It's me Hermione, I need to talk to you." The recognisable voice of Ron whispered through the door.
"Oh I suppose you've come to offer me your help now have you. I don't need it you understand me I don't need yours or anybody's help just leave me be!"
"Hermione, open this door!" he waited for an answer but all he got was silence. "Hermione are you listening to me?" Silence was once again the answer he received. "Hermione I'm going to come in now whether you like it or not we need to talk."
"Talk about what?" she barked through the door.
"Talk about what's going on with you. Why Professor McGonagall spent the last hour up here."
"Oh you want to talk about that do you, want to come and confess what you've done to me!"
"Confess? What are you talking about?" the tone of his voice suggested a complete bafflement.
"You betrayed me Ron!" The statement was hissed in anger, yet the hurt was still evident in her voice.
"I what? Hermione I'm not prepared to have this talk through a wooden oak door!" The door swung open with anger, and he came face to face with Hermione. Her eyes were narrowed with hate, all of her dislike focused solely on Ron.
"You betrayed me Ron, you went running to McGonagall when I specifically asked you to keep everything I told you to yourself." Ron stared at her; both eyes were locked in anger. Neither ready to back down to the other.
"I betrayed you! How dare you Hermione, how dare you excuse me of that!" his anger now matched Hermione's, he couldn't believe she was thinking these things. He hadn't betrayed her, he'd got her the help she needed, he hadn't betrayed her had he?
"Oh come on Ron, there is no way you would have left one of my letters just randomly lying around. You gave it to her didn't you? I know what you did don't treat me like I'm stupid."
"How can I not treat you like you're stupid, I mean look at what you're doing to yourself and you can't even realise the damage your doing. I mean what's the point Hermione? I try and help you, I try my God damn best, and all you do is push me away. You excuse me of betrayal, because someone else has twigged onto what your doing. Well you can forget it Hermione, I've had enough, I can't deal with this anymore."
"What do you mean you can't deal with this anymore? You're not doing anything. You're not the one starving yourself, worrying about how much weight your going to put on with one spoonful of ice cream. You have know worries, you don't have to deal with anything!"
"I have nothing to deal with? I have a big problem to deal with" she raised her eyebrows at this statement. "I have you to deal with, I have to watch you, making sure you don't go to far, try and help you even though you insist on pushing me further and further away!"
"Have I ever asked you to watch me? No I don't think I have. Have I asked you for help? The answer to that once again is no, I don't want your help Ron, so you needn't be worrying about me anymore."
"You don't want my help? Fine you won't get my help. I'm fed up of it every time I try and help you out, get you to see sense, you push me away. Well that's it, you've gone too far this time. I give up, I admit defeat, I can't help you Hermione, not until you admit there is a problem! I just give up." He stared into her eyes, and slowly turned and walked back to the common room.
The door slammed shut on his retreating back and Hermione lent against it slowly sliding down, to sit on the floor. That was it she was on her own now, just her. She know longer had anyone trying to help her. She could carry on; she'd be allowed to do what she wanted to her body, and when she wanted. She no longer had anyone watching every step and mouthful she took. She had been released from the constraints she had endured with having Ron around trying to help. She should be feeling happy, she was free to get on with it, no one trying to take over, but why did it feel as though her whole world had come crashing down. She didn't have Ron anymore; he'd given up on her. She should be happy about it, but instead she felt for the first time lonely. She had no one she could confide in. He'd walked out on her and she'd finally managed to push him away. She'd fulfilled her aim, but now she felt empty and lonely, with no one around to care for her. What was she going to do? She needed Ron more than she'd ever care to admit. He'd been around looking after her; he'd noticed things before anyone else had. Why did she have to be such an idiot? Why had she allowed him to walk away from her?
Hermione gathered herself up from the floor and returned back to her bed. Crawling underneath her covers she pulled her legs to her chest and allowed the tears to flow freely. What surprised her the most was the reason she was crying. It wasn't the fact that McGonagall now knew what was going on, and was bound to try and stop her, but the fact that she had probably lost her best friend. That was what she'd done, she'd lost him now, and he wasn't coming back. She looked around, the duvet cover blocked out all light this was her world now. This was all she had a lonely and dark existence, no Ron, no nothing, she was alone in the world.
As Ron returned to his dormitory he went over in his mind what had just occurred between himself and Hermione, he'd left her; he'd left her all alone. He shouldn't have lost his temper with her; if it had kept his cool then maybe he'd still be in there talking to her. Instead he had let all the frustration that had been building up over the past year out. He had let it all out in one stupid argument and now he'd lost her. He knew it was all his own fault. If he hadn't of shouted at her and told her he'd had enough she might have accepted an apology, but he knew Hermione, she wouldn't accept it, not after he'd shouted and lost his temper like that. She wouldn't forgive, she'd let him in and told him nearly everything, but he doubted he would every regain that trust.
He entered his dormitory, glad to see that the rest of the 5th year boys, were down in the common room, he lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling. Why did he have to be such an idiot? He knew he shouldn't have pushed; this was bound to happen sooner or later. If he hadn't tried to pressure her into admitting she had a problem then maybe this wouldn't have happened. If he had kept his mouth shut and let her carry on without interfering then maybe they both would still be friends. A small voice argued back with his reasoning. If he hadn't of involved himself then he wouldn't have been able to help her at all. They would all still be oblivious to what she was doing to herself and how badly it was affecting her. He'd helped her by making others aware of the problem. He'd thought it would all be solved and that maybe she'd be grateful for what he had done. Why did it make him feel so guilty? He hadn't really helped, he'd caused a rift between the two, and it looked as though he'd lost her friendship forever. He'd lost his Hermione, and he didn't know what to do to regain her back.
Hermione entered the Great Hall for breakfast the next day, her head hung low, concentrating on her feet as she moved towards the Gryffindor table. She sat next to Ron opposite Ginny, and helped herself to cornflakes. She could sense Ron looking at her through the corner of his eye, but neither looked at each other. Keeping most of their attention on the food in front of them, and the rest on each other's actions. Ginny and Harry exchanged glances at the lack of communication between their two friends. They were not the only two to notice, as up at the head table, the Headmaster was pointing out their change in behaviour to Professor McGonagall. Both watched them carefully, while quietly discussing the possibilities that may have occurred.
"They've had an argument, that's plain to see," explained Dumbledore while spreading butter across his piece of toast.
"Your extremely observant Albus, you know that don't you?" Dumbledore only smiled in return to his Deputy's sarcastic comment. "What do you thinks caused it though, she was upset last night, but I didn't see Mr Weasley after I left. You don't think his given up do you?" A crunch was the reply that came from the man sitting next to her. "Albus!"
"Sorry, I'm hungry! It is very likely that she's managed to push him away, I mean it must be quite frustrating for Mr Weasley he can't reason with her, and she is out of control." Dumbledore returned to breakfast taking another piece of toast, and applying a thin layer of butter.
"He can't allow her to push him away! She'll have no one to talk to apart form us, she needs him, why can't she realise it?" Dumbleore place the buttered slice of toast in McGonagall's hand and began his reply while she ate the slice.
"We've been through this before Minerva, frequently, she is no longer in control, she has to fight with the illness to gain any rational thought. Now if you wouldn't mind tapping that glass of yours, I have a small announcement I'd like to make."
The tapping of Professor McGonagall's glass goblet chimed throughout the Great Hall, silencing the students gathered. All attention was focused on the Headmaster who had risen from his seat.
"I'd like to make an announcement this morning, that will concern an event that will be taking place during the Easter Holidays. Now last years Yule Ball, as those in the 5th year and above will remember was a great hit, and myself and your fellow teachers have decided that we will recreate the Ball this Easter." Cheers rose from the elder students who had been present at the Ball that was held last Christmas. Excitement shone in the eyes of the younger years, a smile was even brought to Hermione's lips as she raised her head to look at the Head Table. Once again the chime of McGonagall's goblet echoed throughout the Hall signalling silence.
"The Ball will take place on 21st April, and will be attended by all students of all years. Dress robes must be worn, and the Ball will be chaperoned by us." He signalled to the line of teachers sitting at the head table. As he sat himself back down, the student's voices broke out in excited chatter at the prospect of the up and coming ball. Ron noticed Harry and Ginny in deep conversation in front of him, in glanced a look at Hermione, whose face was full of disgust as she stared at the half eaten bowl of cereal before her. Ron lent slightly towards her,
"You can stare at it as much as you like, but you can't make it go away." He whispered quietly, so only she could here. Her head spun around to face him; she picked her spoon up, and loaded large spoonfuls of cereal onto it. Loading the rest of the cereal into her mouth in a dramatic display. All she received from Ron was the rolling of his eyes and a shake of the head; he turned his attention back to his plate of beacon.
"Ron?" Harry's voice caught his attention he looked up and smiled.
"Yeah Harry?"
"You wouldn't mind if I went to the Easter Ball with Ginny would you?" Harry's voice was tentative, waiting for an immediate no to be the reply.
"Its up to you, I can't say I particularly mind," his reply was met by a strained hug from his sister across the table.
The rest of the day passed slowly for both Hermione and Ron, neither had spoke to each other since the small scene at the breakfast table. Fortunately for Hermione Transfiguration wasn't on their timetable today and Hermione had successfully managed to avoid McGonagall for the day. She had taken to locking herself in her dormitory in attempt to avoid her friends, mainly Ron though. Having been in her room for most of the evening she felt like some fresh air, it had begun to get quite claustrophobic and she made her way down to the Quidditch pitch where the Gryffindor team would be practicing. As she made her way towards the stands she had not been expecting to meet the one person she was trying to avoid most.
She silently sat behind him, but he had already heard her footsteps had she walked behind him. The uncomfortable silence surrounded them for a couple of minutes while both watched the practice that was taking place above them. The silence had become too much for Ron though, and he felt it was time to break it.
"Hello Hermione" it was a simple greeting that was not worth taking his eyes away from the players.
"Ron" his name was the only reply he received, she was obviously not willing to make the effort, but he however could not allow the silence to continue.
"How have you bee today?"
"Fine" neither Both Hermione nor Ron would remove their eyes from above to look at each other, instead focusing their attention exclusively on the movement above them.
"Have you eaten today?"
"Yes!" Her one-word answers were beginning to become quite irritating now, and she was taken by surprise when his body spun round to face her.
"This is stupid Hermione, don't you know how to string a full sentence together?" His question was received with a glare. "Look Hermione I know I'm not your favourite person right now, but well what happened it wasn't my fault."
"Wasn't your fault? You left me Ron, I had no one to talk to, and I know it wasn't for long, but well I missed you. You weren't there for me when I needed you." He climbed over his seat and took one next to her, placing his arm round
"I am so sorry Hermione, I didn't mean to leave you, I just couldn't cope anymore, I can't bare to se you doing this to yourself. Do you know how much it hurts to watch one of your best friends deteriorate in front of your very own eyes, knowing that there is nothing you can do to help her? All you can do is watch, trying to get her to see sense. It hurts me to see you like this Hermione." Tears began to roll down her eyes, as she buried herself into his shoulder. He could hear her muffled sounds of her cries. She lifted her head to look at him; her brown eyes glistened from the tears that were still rolling down her cheeks.
"I missed you so much Ron, I didn't realise how much I relied on you until you went. I shouldn't have pushed you away, I'd been warned about it and ignored those warnings and continued to do so. Part of me said that I should have been happy that you had gone, it would allow me to continue, but the rest of me argued back. Without you I realised how lonely my world had become, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. Please promise me that you won't go, promise you won't let me push you away again. I don't know what to do without you. You're the only one who realises and understands what is going on." Once again she buried her head into his shoulder, but he slowly moved it to face him. He gently swept the tears from her cheeks, and looked into her eyes.
"I promise you Hermione, I promise with all my heart that I will never, and I mean never leave you again, and I certainly won't allow you to push me away again. I missed you so much; I couldn't focus my attention on anything, because you always slipped into my mind. I couldn't allow myself to leave you again Hermione, I promise you that." She flung her arms around his neck, and held on like he was her last lifeline. He returned the hug with as much enthusiasm. When they finally pulled back, Ron gave her a small kiss on the forehead, and she into gave him a grin, his arm had still remained around her shoulder, and she in turn made herself comfortable, resting her head on her shoulder, she felt his arm tighten around her. Their attention returned to the players flying above them, silence surrounded them once again, but this time it was a comfortable one.
"Hermione, would you be my date for Easter Ball?" Ron's question broke the silence, and a small grin appeared on her face as she kept her concentration on the players.
"I'd love to be Ron." A smile appeared on his face to match Hermione's, and he gently place a kiss on the top of her head, and once again both turned their attention above.
A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter. The Easter Ball's going to play a big part when I get round to writing it. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. I think this will be the last update until after the 21st June, because my wonderful G.C.S.Es have begun, but half term is next week and I maybe able to write the Easter Ball then, but I have science exams coming up, and I need to get As in them to get back into school, so it all depends. Oh the joy of exams!
I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this, I mean I should be revising for English Lit tomorrow and Spanish Reading and Writing Thursday. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.