I never meant to…
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!
A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.
Now I have to thank Herbie for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.
I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. I hope your OK; I haven't heard from you in a while, hope everything's ok. its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com
Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, it's cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.
Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.
I also want to say how sorry I am for the long, long delay in this update, I finished my exams and got great results if I do say so myself. I also lost my grandad on 13th October 2003, and that has caused a great setback in my whole eating thing. I'm quite determined now however to get much better, because he always told me how upsetting it was to him to see me like that. So I've decided I'm going to get better for him. Also please check out my new story, 'It feels like a Dream', that's about my grandad's death.
O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.
"Hermione? Hermione?" his voice getting louder with each call of her name what was happening why wasn't she responding to him. He didn't know what to do so he gently lay her down on the floor. People had gathered round them in a circle by now. Ginny and Harry were at his side. The circle of on lookers was broken by the teachers streaming into the middle McGonagall and Dumbledore at the front. As Ron cradled her head, Professor McGonagall crouched beside him to see the condition Hermione was presently in. To Ron, the whole occurrence was a slow blur, the only thing he could focus on was that of Hermione, lying in his arms, her breathing shallow, and in a state of collapse. The professors had gathered together, and were being instructed to lead their students back to their common rooms as quickly as possible with the aid of the prefects, while Madame Pomfrey was made aware of the situation at hand.
"Hermione, Hermione can you hear me?" Ron slightly shook her body. He turned to look at his Professor crouched on the floor, "why isn't she answering?"
"I don't know Mr Weasley, Madame Pomfrey will be over in a minute, they'll be moving her to the Hospital Wing and assessing the damage caused." Ron nodded his head; quite surprised to see his Professor's eyes begin to fill with tears. As Madame Pomfrey approached he gripped onto Hermione slightly more. Professor Dumbledore conjured up a stretcher, and he and Snape, managed to carefully remove Hermione from Ron's grip, and place her on it. While she was floated out of the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall escorted Ron to the Hospital wing, closely followed by Harry and Ginny.
Dumbledore lifted Hermione delicately on to a vacant hospital bed, and before Ron had even entered the room, Madame Pomfrey had whipped the curtains around the bed for some privacy while assessing her patient. Five chairs were placed near to the fireplace on the other side of the room, which Dumbledore gestured fro Ron, Harry and Ginny to take. They did so, seating themselves opposite Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore.
"Could someone explain to us what is happening? Why's Hermione lying in their practically unconscious?" Ginny voice was beginning to rise with panic at the thought of her friend. Ron turned his head away, and stared to look into the flames of the small fire that had only been ignited.
"It seems that Miss Granger, is not her normal self at the moment…"
"Yes Professor that is quite plain to see, but is there a certain reason that would explain this?" Harry asked cutting off Professor Dumbledore in desperation to hear as quickly as possible.
"As I was saying Mr Potter, Miss Granger has been experiencing some problems with her self image, and therefore eating habits." Realisation quickly dawned on both Ginny's and Harry's face, as the image of Hermione in her dress tonight resurfaced.
"How do you know about this Professor?"
"It was brought to my attention by Professor McGonagall…"
"That's why you spent so long in the dormitory that night" Ginny exclaimed, once again cutting Dumbledore off
"Yes Miss Weasley, however it was brought to my notice by Mr Weasley." Ron turned his head to the sound of his name, and looked questioningly at his Professor.
"Ron? Why didn't you say anything to either me or Harry?" Ginny asked quietly.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I mean," Ginny's voice began to rise. "Why didn't you inform me or Harry of what was happening? Why did you keep it a secret from the both of us? Perhaps if we had been informed we may have been able to help."
"Look Ginny, she tried to keep it a secret from everyone, she wouldn't even admit to herself for Gods sake, do you think she'd actually let me come out and tell both you and Harry?" Ron's voice had also risen to a high volume, rivalling that of Ginny's. "I mean, I got into enough trouble when I told Professor McGonagall, she didn't talk to me. Do you know how hard it as for me to sit there and watch her deteriorate, knowing that there was nothing I could really do?"
"Mr and Miss Weasley, if you do not lower your voices, and stop disturbing my patients, you will both be asked to leave until you can control those tempers of yours, do you understand me?" Poppy Pomfrey's head had popped out through the gap in the curtains, and had raised her voice loud enough to overcome both Weasleys.
"Yes Madame Pomfrey was the small quiet reply whispered in unison, as both bowed their head, and each pair of ears began o slightly redden.
"Look Gin, I had to watch one of my best friends put herself through so much pain, and hurt because she thought she was fat, do you know how hard that was? How hard it was to watch her weaken down to the person she's now become. I mean did you see her, did you see what she looked like, she's not even a shadow of her former self, and I had to watch her become that being able to do absolutely nothing, but sit and watch." Tears sprang to Ginny's eyes as she watched her brother cover his face with his hands the anguish he was feeling apparent from his actions.
"I'm sorry Ron, I really am sorry. I shouldn't have snapped, but…"
"I know Gin, I know, bit of shock isn't it. You'd never of thought this would happen to Hermione, she's the…"
"Sensible, levelheaded one," Harry continued cutting off Ron. "The one who always helped us escape trouble. If we think about it, without her we probably wouldn't have even lasted our first year here. She's so clever and knowledgeable, why on Earth didn't she see what she was doing to herself?" Harry, who had remained quiet for some time, had finally released some of his despair.
"Mr Potter, as I have already said to Professor McGonagall, who asked a similar question to yours. As time goes on Miss Granger would have begun to lose control over what she was doing. The illness itself begins to control not only her mind but also her actions. It switches off her hunger, and implants the theory that any food eaten would make her put on weight, and in her view fat. She would not see herself as becoming thin, in her mind she would still be 'fat' although that wouldn't necessarily be the image others were seeing." Harry just nodded his head at his headmaster, his explanation slowly sinking in.
"Minerva, could I speak to you for a minute" Madame Pomfrey requested as her head once again came around the drawn curtains. McGonagall nodded in answer and vacated her seat and stepped behind the screen. The conversation outside came to halt, each person trying to listen to the conversation, taking place on the other side. However all that could be heard were faint whisperings between the two women, and nothing more.
"After a few minutes had passed both women reappeared on the other side of the screen, and were immediately accosted with questions.
"Can I see her?"
"Is she awake?"
"Will she be ok?"
"Children please, no Mr Weasley you cannot see her yet, so would you please sit back down in your chair. Yes Miss Weasley she has awaken, but Madame Pomfrey has given her a sleeping potion, as we have discovered she has had many restless nights. Mr Potter, she will be ok, but we will need to give her time to fully recover. Now Professor McGonagall will quietly repeat that of which I have discussed previously with her, I will be in my office if I am needed." Madame Pomfrey departed, leaving McGonagall to explain what had happened to Hermione, and what would need to be done in order to allow her to recover.
"Miss Granger has suffered many physical problems from the action of not eating. It appears her stomach has shrunk to a considerably small size, as well as damaging her stomach lining, this explains the pain she experiences when eating, however it will take a while to begin to repair and return to normal. Madame Pomfrey has also discovered that her immune system has suffered greatly due to mainly vitamin and mineral deficiency, so at the precise moment, she is at a high risk of catching the flu, or something of that likeness. Madame Pomfrey is also carrying out to tests, on Hermione's heart rate, and blood sugar levels."
"She's damaged her body that much?" Ginny asked, disbelief written on her face. "How? I mean I know how, but surely that much harm could have occurred."
"I'm afraid Miss Weasley, depending on the seriousness of the case, Miss Granger could have caused far more damage, that could have resulted in her death. However we have been lucky enough in this situation to prevent that from happening." Ginny's mouth formed an 'oh' shape at Dumbledore's words.
"I think it would be best if the three of you went back to the common room, Miss Granger won't be waking tonight, but I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will allow you to visit her when she's awoken in the morning." Both Ginny and Harry nodded their heads, and stood from their chairs. Ron made no movement, and preceded to look into the orange flames of the fire.
"Ron?" Harry asked quietly. Silence met his call, until both he and Ginny were ushered out of the room by Professor Dumbledore, who escorted them to their common room.
"Mr Weasley? Are you all right?" Ron turned his head to his Head of House sitting in the chair opposite him.
"I'm sorry Professor I just don't know what to do." McGonagall moved from her chair, next to the chair previously occupied by Harry, next to Ron.
"I know Mr Weasley, but…"
"I feel so guilty, I should have done so much more. I could have helped her more than I did. I should have tried much harder to persuade her she wasn't fat. I should never have allowed it to go this far. I knew what she was doing, and I just sat there and watched. I did try, but obviously not harder enough. Maybe if I had been more persistent and made sure she ate at every meal, she might not be in this situation. I feel as though I'm half to blame for the condition she's in. I'm so sorry I didn't seek yours or Professor Dumbledore's help sooner. Perhaps if I had you may have been able to help her before it got out of hand. I was too stubborn, I thought I could help her, just me, but I didn't think it would end up like this. I'm so sorry Professor, I let her down, and I didn't mean to, I just wanted to help." Ron's head was bowed, his hands covering his face in anguish at the thoughts buzzing around his head. He felt an arm go round his shoulders, and heard the soft accent of his Professor.
"Mr Weasley, there is no reason you should feel in any way guilty. Everything you did was done in Hermione's best interests, and in no way can anyone fault you in the way you went around it. You coped so well with the situation, and endured so much from her. You have to understand that no matter how early myself or Professor Dumbledore had been informed of what was taking place, there would be little we could have done to prevent this from happening. From what I understand Miss Granger had already begun to lose control, when you yourself found out. If anyone was in the wrong it was me I should have noticed beforehand, and taken some action against this as soon as you told me. So please Ron don't blame yourself, you did everything you could have, and no one can say otherwise!" Ron turned his head to look at his Professor, and was slightly surprised to see her eyes brimming with tears.
"Thanks Professor" he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.
"Now come along Mr Weasley, you should be back in the common room, there is no reason for you to sit here tonight, she won't awake till the morning." McGonagall rose from her chair, and was copied by Ron, as he followed her out of the Hospital Wing towards the Gryffindor common room.
Ron had awoken at 7am the next morning, had been in the Hospital Wing for an hour, before Hermione began to stir. Her eyes began to flutter open, opening warily to the bright sunshine that was streaming through the long window opposite her bed.
"Hermione?" Was the tentative sound of Ron's voice that met her ears.
"Hi Ron. You all right?"
"I'm fine, you?"
"Not bad, sorry the end of last night wasn't exactly as either us planned."
"It doesn't matter Hermione, I'm just glad your ok, and their going to help you get better." Hermione smiled back to him, until his words sunk in, and brain processed what he had just said.
"What do you mean help me get better? I don't need to get better I'm fine!" Hermione's tone had begun to raise, her voice still sounded throaty, from her sleep.
"Please Hermione, lets not start this, you and I both know you need sorting out, they're not going to allow you to continue all this you know. You gave everyone such a shock last night. You blacked out, collapsing in my arms. Do you realise how scared I was, I didn't know what to do." Hermione ducked her head in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry Ron, really I am, but you can't take this away from me…"
"I think you'll find we can Miss Granger, you gave us all quite a fright as Mr Weasley has already said." Professor McGonagall had entered the conversation that she'd been listening into at the door, Professor Dumbledore, who had managed to persuade Harry and Ginny to give them an hour with both Ron and Hermione, followed her.
"Good morning Miss Granger, its nice to see you awake, Madame Pomfrey will be bringing you some breakfast shortly." Dumbledore told her in a cheerful, blue eyes twinkling happily.
"Break… breakfast?" Hermione blanched. "I never eat breakfast."
"I know Miss Granger, but we need to start you on at least one meal. What would you prefer two slices of toast to begin with, or a lamb chops for lunch or dinner?" Madame Pomfrey asked as she entered the ward holding a tray that contained three plates of toast.
"Well I'd prefer neither," this comment received a stern glare from both women in the room. "But I suppose if I HAD to choose it will be the toast, but all three plates aren't for me are they?"
"No Miss Granger, Mr Weasley hasn't had his breakfast this morning, and neither has Professor McGonagall. Now I'd like to see all of that eaten when I come back." Madame Pomfrey handed a plate to each of the people in need of breakfast, and murmured something into Professor Dumbledore's ear, that she was unable to hear.
She looked at the two pieces of toast sitting on the plate in front of her. Each slice had butter spread over them that was at this moment slowly melting due to the heat. The thought of the food made her feel sick, her stomach turning at the thought of eating it.
"You don't have to eat it all at once Hermione, you can take your time." Professor McGonagall suggested seeing the disgusted look on her students face.
"I can't, I can't eat this, it hurts my stomach, and just look at the fat dripping off of it."
"May I suggest you eat it slowly, it may cause less pain, but you must eat it Miss Granger, we can not experience another night like last night." Hermione looked at her teacher.
"Go one Hermione, please for me?" Hermione turned to look at Ron, the pleading look on his face made her give into the demand, and slowly she teared the corner of a slice of toast. Once again her stomach flipped, but she slowly raised it to her mouth, fully chewing the toast before swallowing. The first taste had always been the worst, and this was no different. Her body began to crave more, more toast, more anything, she needed some more food. Taking another corner of toast she began to readily eat.
"Miss Granger, slow down, the faster you eat the more stomach pains you will experience," Dumbledore recommended. Hermione nodded her head, accepting the advice. Her mind was telling her two different things. One side was telling her how good it felt to be eating something, and that by eating breakfast, she was likely to still lose weight, due to speeding up her metabolism. The other half however, began to argue louder and louder than the other voice. The guilt that came flooding back to her, as she ate the food. Everything she'd worked for, all the time and effort she'd put in to her attempt to become thin. Starving had worked slightly, she was still fat, but living without food made her happy. She felt better without it, and now here she was greedily eating this toast. In a sudden movement, she threw the plate and remaining slice of toast to the floor.
"No!" I can't do this!" The anguish had risen to a scream.
"Hermione, calm down, you need to get better."
"Don't you see, I don't want to get better, this is my life this is what I do, it makes me happy. I don't need food, when I have food, it just depresses me. Without it, I feel happy, I feel more like myself. You can't take this away from me, I won't let you!" Professor Dumbledore had stood, and bent down to speak to Ron.
"Come with me Ron, we've had an idea we'd like you to hear." Ron nodded and followed his Headmaster out of the room, taking one last glance at Hermione, before shaking his head and walking away.
Hermione, and McGonagall sat for a few minutes in silence, before McGonagall felt the need to break it.
"You know his only worried about you, we all are Hermione, Ron doesn't want to see you hurt yourself, like you are. His watched you deteriorate, and his stuck by you, but believe me when I say there is only so much that boy can handle. You need help Hermione, and we're offering it you why won't you accept it?"
"No one seems to understand, I can't except help because I don't want it. I need to be thin, and until I achieve that I'm going to carry on whatever anyone says. Once I reach the right size, I'll stop, because I'll want to stop. If you'd all leave me to get on with it then, I would have achieved my target far quicker by now." McGonagall looked at her student before giving out an exasperated sigh.
"Hermione, I don't know how to get the fact that you are already thin into your head. In your head you may be fat, but in reality you're shockingly thin, and no matter how much you want to carry on, I am unable to let you. If you do begin to try and get better, more drastic actions will be taken in order to see you get onto the road of recovery. Would you like to be force-fed? Have a teacher follow you to the bathroom, checking you don't make yourself sick." Hermione's eyes widened at her suggestions. "No I didn't think you would Miss Granger, just think about it." A knock interrupted the conversation, and Harry and Ginny entered the Hospital Wing.
"Can we see her now, Professor Dumbledore asked us to wait an hour, and it's nearly up." McGonagall nodded her head in reply and got up from the chair.
"Just remember what I said Hermione" she added quietly before leaving.
"I'm so glad to see your ok. You gave us such a fright." Ginny rambled as she took up McGonagall' s vacant chair. Harry seated himself in another chair remaining silent for a few minutes allowing Ginny to talk.
"Why'd you do Hermione?" He asked interrupting Ginny's talkative chat.
"I'm sorry?"
"I said why'd you do it? Why'd you start this, what made you decide to start starving yourself?" Hermione's face began to redden, ducking her head from Harry's stare.
"I don't really know. I'm fat, and thought that if I cut out food, I'd lose weight."
"You know how ridiculous that sounds don't you? You've put yourself through so much, and Ron, do you know how strained and stressed his been because of this?"
"That's all anyone ever says, Ron this, and Ron that, I never asked him to interfere but he did. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want anyone to know, if I'd have been left I…" Hermione was cut off by the arrival of Professor Dumbledore, followed closely by Madame Pomfrey.
"Miss Granger, I'd like to request a favour please. Would you like to go into Madame Pomfrey's room and allow her to take a picture?"
"A picture?" the puzzlement at the headmaster's request evident in her voice
"Yes a picture Miss Granger, Madame Pomfrey has the camera, and if you'd kindly assist, I would be very grateful." His voice once again filled with amusement. He turned to look at Harry and Ginny giving the small wink, before watching Hermione get out of the hospital bed, and follow Madame Pomfrey into the office.
Hermione entered the office behind Madame Pomfrey.
"Do you know what's going on?" She shrugged in response, and indicated to her to stand in front of a stonewall. Hermione followed her instructions, and looked to her, expecting more to come.
"Right Hermione, could you lift your pyjama top slightly, so that I can see your stomach?" She received a quizzical look from the girl in question, but the request was carried out.
"Don't breathe in Hermione."
"I'm not!"
"Oh" was the only answer she received. The flash of the camera signalled the photo had been taken, but before she could lower her top, one more request was made.
"Can you turn to the side please?" Hermione did as she was told slowly, giving a curious look to the school nurse in front of her. As another flash went off, Hermione remained in her position waiting for some more instruction, however none came, and she lowered her top.
"Madame Pomfrey, was there any precise reason for these photos to be taken?"
"Professor Dumbledore will answer all your questions shortly, you may return to your bed." Hermione shot one last glance over to the school nurse before entering the hospital wing again. Professor McGonagall, had one again entered and was sitting next to Dumbledore, the two Professors were having a short discussion with their three students, as Hermione neared however, the talk was quickly wound up, before she could hear any information. As she climbed into bed, she sent a cautious glance to each person, but just as she'd made herself comfortable, Madame Pomfrey stride briskly into the room. Taking the empty seat next to McGonagall, she leaned across and handed Dumbledore a brown envelope.
"Thank you Poppy. Now Miss Granger, I'd like you to look at these four photos, and tell me which you think, is the photo of you. He carefully removed the photos from the envelope, and placed them on a table tray in front of Hermione. The reasons for the previous photos became apparent as she looked at the two bodies, each in the same pose she had just held. The figure that caught her the most was the thinnest, when turned to the side the stomach seemed concave. Each rib was defined from the skin being stretched tightly over them. This was the figure Hermione I had wanted to be. To be able to say her stomach was so flat, but Hermione knew that that would never be her.
"Have you made a decision Miss Granger?" McGonagall asked, she looked up; all eyes were focused on her face looking for a reaction to each picture.
"Yes, I'm this one." She indicated to the photo on the left, the photo of a slightly overweight person.
"I'm afraid you're…"
"Right!" Hermione finished off.
"Well no Miss Granger, you're wrong, you're the one on the left." Hermione's eyes widened, as she looked at the picture. She turned it to show her Professor.
"This one, are you sure you have the right photograph, this is me, look at her, she's so thin, and I'm, I'm so fat."
"I'm afraid Hermione, Professor McGonagall's right that's you, and it really is." Hermione shook her head in disbelief. They were lying; there were all lying again in a hope of getting her to begin to eat. She knew the game they were playing, but this time she wasn't going to allow them to win. She wouldn't let them trick her. She knew she was fat, and that the body she'd been shown was in no way hers.
"If you'd like to pass over those two photos Miss Granger, I an revel the face, a simple illus ional charm was placed on it. Hermione's eyes bore into both photos as the charm was lifted, revealing her own face looking straight back at her.
"That's, that's…"
"You, yeah it is. Do you not see how ill you look Hermione? Don't you understand why we've been so worried about you? Look at that picture, you may think its nice now, but look at the damage you've done to yourself to achieve that. Your not well Hermione, and you need help." Ron's plea struck a cord in her heart, as she flopped down onto the bed. Her mind still reeling from the information that she actually looked like that. Why hadn't she seen it in the mirror, why did she still appear and feel fat?
"Can I talk to Ron alone please?" Everyone nodded their heads, quickly leaving their seats and vacating the room. He watched them leave, turning to look back at Hermione, he felt something grip his hand, looking down; he discovered it was Hermione's.
"I just have to say two words Ron. Thanks, and Sorry." He looked at her quizzically puzzlement written over his face.
"I want to say thank you for everything you've done for me. You've been there with me through everything, and I know that must have been hard considering I tried to push you away so many times. Thank you for staying with me through it all. There were so many times you could have just left me to get on with it, leaving me to suffer on my own, but thankfully you didn't. I don't know what I would have done with myself if you had have done. I couldn't have coped without having you there by my side, knowing that you were looking out for me, and that as long as you were there I'd be all right. I'd also like to say sorry. Sorry for trying to get rid of you, for shouting at you, and for putting you through so much. I'm really sorry you had to see all of this, and that you had to keep it too yourself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, you're a great friend Ron, and I don't know where I'd be without you." Tears had begun to slide down Hermione's face, and with his spare hand, he wiped them away with his thumb. He rested his forehead against hers.
"Hermione, I could never, and I mean never have allowed you to go through this on your own. You mean so much to me, and to see you in so much distress broke my heart. I know you Hermione, and I know you're strong enough to overcome all this. Just promise me one thing though." Hermione looked into his eyes, and nodded. "Please get better, pleases try and get better, I want my old Hermione back, I want you to go back to normal, if not for me, then for you. Will you promise me that?" Hermione nodded her head flinging her arms around his neck, both holding onto each other tightly.
"Ron?" She whispered quietly into his ear. "I want you to know one thing. I never meant to do this." Ron just nodded squeezing her more tightly.
A/n: Ok that's all. I'm thinking of writing a sequel that deals with Hermione recovering or something. I'd love your opinions on whether I should do that, because I don't really want to make this story a big long mission if you know what I mean. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones, lets see if we can make it 120 reviews.
My Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this story especially:
T2Girl who gave me the idea for Hermione's way of finding out that bits for you.
Herbie who has reviewed every single chapter, all of whish have been words of encouragement. Thank you.
Coolchick207 I hope everything's ok with you, and your all right.
Edynadove I hope this chapter has answered some of the way Hermione will deal with it, but I like I said I'm planning a sequel.
E I know what you mean about friends like that, mine did that too me, and I still haven't fully forgiven her yet.
Keva just like you I have my own McGonagall and Ron who try to keep me grounded and I couldn't have asked for a more supportive family.
Thanks to all those who haven't been mentioned, there's a few too many. Thank you for all your encouragement, and I hope this ending was good enough for you all.