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I love thee purely, as they turn from praise
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints-I love thee with the breath
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose
I shall but love thee better after death.
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Chapter 32
When doves cry
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The light blinded him. It pierced his eyes to stab deep into his brain, pounding spikes that hammered relentlessly until throbbing bands of red were wrapped around his skull. He ignored the pain. He kept on running even deeper into the light until he was literally stopped short by a hard wall. Kyo's kekkai.
This time, he didn't play around. Not that he wasn't trying his hardest earlier. Just that this time, he had finally acknowledged to himself that there was no way back. That Kyo will do what he will do and if no one stopped him, the world would end. Takashi didn't want that. As much as he knew that Kyo didn't want that. If Kyo had been in his right mind.
And that was the problem. Kyo wasn't.
So armed with the sure knowledge that he will die in the very real sense of the word despite his status as a God of Death, Takashi dove deep into himself. Like Kyo, like any trained practitioner of magic and onmyouji, he had restrained his power so as to harness it better. The restraints helped his control and in a way, helped to actually increase his power. When he first joined the ranks of the Shinigami, he had been classified as a Class B, Level 1. Kyo was Class A, Level 2. But that was over 20 years ago. Time passed. And the restraints remained and with it, his power grew. Enough, he hoped, to stop Kyo but not enough, he knew, to prevent what may be his very real demise.
But he would do anything for Kyo. And he knew that the real Kyo would not want to be responsible for the mass death and destruction that would ensue.
The restrains slipped off easily and he revelled for a moment, basking in the glow of his power. Adjusted, he opened his still blinded eyes and brought his hands up. Against the blinding white, it glowed a deep green laced with silver tendrils. Pushing aside his fascination with it, Takashi placed his hands palms down on the kekkai, fingers digging into the hard surface and pulled.
The kekkai burst apart with invisible sparks and a high-pitched whine. It collapsed like so much tissue paper and in a moment, he was inside.
Surprisingly, the light was gone in here. Looking around, he saw that the light began from the outside circumference of the now broken kekkai. Inside, everything was as normal as it could be. If you discounted the fact that Kyo was currently using the Spear that moulded the world to play tic-tac-toe in the dirt.
"No, no, should go here instead. Get trapped there won't we? Tricky Kyo, tricky," Kyo mumbled to himself. Apparently he was winning the game against. . .himself. But with every scratch in the dirt, with every x and every o and every crossed line, Takashi could feel more and more of the wrongness that first started with Hino's death building up. Too long of this and Takashi knew for sure that not even Enma could stop the ensuing destruction.
Takashi was not as familiar with the Kojiki as Watari apparently was. So it wasn't surprising that the blond had been the one to identify Ama-no-Nuboko. But even so, he doubted that anyone could mistake the Spear for anything else. It thrummed with a vast power that defied imagining, terrible in its beauty and simplicity and the fact that you could remould the world in any shape you want to with it. He knew some of the legends from the Kojiki. That the Two Gods had created the world with it and subsequently created humans. He now had ample proof that most of the legends in the Kojiki were true. And even if he had only the confirmed legends to go by, he knew as well as anyone that the Spear was never meant for a mortal to wield.
"Kyo," he called softly and crouched down on the dirt, careful to steer clear of the lines scratched messily. Kyo ignored him in favour of crossing a line through three Xs. "Kyo," he went on, undeterred and held out his hand. "You have to stop that," he said gently. "Can you give me the Spear? You'll hurt yourself if you keep on using it."
Strands of white were starting to streak through Kyo's black hair. Pure white that glimmered like frost in the light. His baby blue eyes had dimmed in their ferocious glow but that did not comfort Takashi in any way. Those pale blue irises were now even paler, almost white. The Spear was draining Kyo beyond the point of no return. Kyo was still ignoring him.
"Kyo," he tried again and tentatively touched his shoulder. Kyo snapped his head up.
He blinked near-colorless eyes slowly, forgetting his game with the world. "Yes?" he said politely. "Can I help you?"
Takashi fought the lump in his throat and pasted a reassuring smile on his face. "Kyo, do you remember me? It's Takashi."
The Spear was propped up with a shoulder as Kyo sat back on his haunches, regarding him quizzically. The sharp point of the Spear was resting idly on the dirt but Takashi couldn't help noticing how the earth was slowly melting in a puddle around it.
"You must be mistaken, Takashi's dead," Kyo informed him, still in that polite voice as though he was talking to no more than an inquisitive stranger. Takashi wanted to cry. "I killed him you see. Him and Aki and Ayame and Hino and my parents. So now I'm going to kill everyone. I'm very sorry but I have to kill you too."
Despair wanted to drown him under a numb haze but he refused that comfort. Instead, still smiling comfortingly, Takashi nodded seriously and asked, "I understand. I don't mind. But can I take a look at your Spear? I've never seen one before."
Kyo's polite stare turned suspicious and he hugged the Spear closer. A low hum answered him. "What for?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in distrust. "I'm just going to destroy everything. You don't have to worry."
"Yes, I know," his smile was turning painful. "But it's a very beautiful Spear and like I said, I've never seen one before. Can I just hold it for a second? Just a second? I promise I won't be long."
Kyo looked back and forth from him to the Spear he cradled protectively. He bit down on his lower lip, gnawing unconsciously and after a tense minute which Takashi could swore that he could feel the wrongness building up even more, Kyo finally nodded.
"Alright," he said grudgingly. "But only for a second!"
"Just a second," Takashi nodded and held out his hand, careful to not appear threatening. Slowly, with obvious reluctance, Kyo held the Spear out to him, distrust still suffusing his pale features. But Takashi kept his smile on his face and waited patiently.
The Spear was just an inch away from his hands when something went wrong. Alarm filled Kyo's face and his grip on the Spear tightened. He made to move back, to pull away but Takashi threw caution to the wind and struck quickly.
He grabbed the Spear.
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He didn't know where he was. Only that he was suspended in a place that was not a place. Nothing seemed real here. Not the ground that was not a ground which he stood on or even the nebulous mist that swirled unconcernedly around him. For some reason, this place scared him.
Why are you here?
He started wildly, not expecting the Voice but instantly, he knew that it was the Voice. The Voice was what he was looking for. The Spear. He tried to speak.
'I came to stop this,' and he stopped, unnerved by how his own voice was not a voice in this place that was not a place. But he went on. 'I have to stop Kyo. This is not what he would want.'
And how would you know what the Insane One wants? The Voice was not curious. It just merely wanted to know. How can you be sure that this isn't what he wants exactly? He has been torn apart by his rage and despair, by his own powers and by secrets that were not revealed. How can you be sure?
'Because I love him,' he had to close his eyes against his own despair but he rallied on. 'Because I love him, I know that this is not what he would have chosen. Hino has used his guilt and grief against him. The Kyo I know loves life. He had friends that he would see living their lives happily. He would not want to see them destroyed.'
But I know him as well, the Voice pointed out. I have reached deep into him and seen his Purpose. This is his Purpose. He knows of no other. Have you a Purpose?
'This is his only Purpose because he has been driven mad with his grief!' He could have shouted out his anger if this place would have allowed him to. 'He's drowning. I have to save him,' he ended helplessly.
Is this your Purpose then? The Voice asked. Even if your Purpose is fulfilled, he is beyond salvation. His soul has been damaged and his sanity irredeemable. And you will die.
'Then I will die,' he replied quietly. 'But not before I save Kyo from complete destruction.'
But to what Purpose? The Voice was relentless. You will die and as I have said, he is beyond salvation. There will be no future for the two of you. You will be apart. Him in his insanity and you in your final death. For what Purpose?
He could have been imagining it but it seemed as though there was a greater emphasis placed in the last question. There was an importance to it that told him it would decide the next step and maybe, seal his death.
'Because I know Kyo,' he repeated softly. 'This is not what he wants. And death means nothing to me. Even insane, we could still be reunited together in death. And I know that he would be destroyed if he holds on to you,' he finished wearily.
The Voice was quiet, expectant.
'And because I love him.'
The mist swirled, coalescing and giving birth to a solid form. The Spear glimmered in the non-light and waited for him.
Then that is your true Purpose. You may wield me.
He allowed no hesitation to mark his movements, nor apprehension or fear. There was nothing but peace and calm acceptance on his face as he reached out and his fingers closed around the hard yet silky shaft of the Spear. Pain laced through him with the contact. Pain that burned and froze him at the same time. His blood felt like it was boiling, trying to burst out of his skin. The mist swirled again to reveal light. Before it grew too bright for him to see, he screamed soundlessly from the pain.
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"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
The earth rumbled deep beneath its skin, a sullen roar more felt than heard. Unending ripples fanned out, shifting the ground subtly until the Shinigami felt as though they were standing on a solid wave. Even as they try to lose themselves in the chanting, they couldn't help but notice that the waves were getting stronger and stronger with each passing second.
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
The wind was a low, keening cry. It whistled through the grass and plucked incessantly at their clothes, their hair and the littered, dead bodies of demons and angels alike. It fell in pitch only to rise again to a dissonant shriek and only to fall again to low groan. It was driving them mad, scattering their concentration like so many sand but they had an incentive to try harder. They were after all, trying to stop the Apocalypse.
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
The waves that battered the beach, passing easily through the very same wards they're trying to bring down crashed against the sandy shore in matching fury that voiced what the earth and wind cannot. Silver streaks glinted like fallen snow amidst the waves and the sand; hapless fishes battered and tossed from the riptides that rose in concerted anger.
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
The thunder at least, had died down. But the lightning grew in intensity until it rivalled the slowly expanding bubble of light that had long swallowed their two friends. They tried to concentrate on the task at hand but their thoughts kept on wandering to the pair and they wondered, as the last flare of lightning left blinding afterimages, will we see them again?
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
There was a barely discernible crack in the spot they concentrated upon. Heartened by the progress they made, their chanting rose in determination and strength and the spiderweb cracks grew larger and larger.
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
Four of them, though eager as the others to flee the ensuing destruction, could not help but exchange worried looks. Their friends were right in the middle of the chaos. And they can do nothing to help.
"On ha bin sa ni sapo bin a sa."
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Ne, can I ask you a question?
A hypothetical one only, don't worry. See, I was wondering. . . .can you destroy the world?
You look surprised that I asked you such a question. Well, can't I? It's a perfectly normal question I think. Most, if not all of the major religions in the world has touched upon the subject of the Apocalypse in their teachings. There's the Four Horsemen, the Cyclops, Shiva. . .a lot really. So the world can be destroyed then, right?
Why do you look so reluctant to answer? Is it because it's possible? You think so? Wow. . .imagine, just one day waking up and you're just. . . no longer there. Or anywhere. Everything's gone in a blaze of glory! Haha! Sorry about that. Didn't mean to laugh like a loon. I'm not crazy really. I think. I'm not sure about him though. . .
Hmm? Him who? Ah, don't worry about it. So, if you can destroy the world, what does it take to do so? Magic rituals involving goat's blood, a slaughtered pig and a beheaded chicken or two? I'll wear robes perhaps (black of course) and I'll walk in a circle with a smoking censer swinging rhythmically in my hands and I'll chant in an ancient language. You're rolling your eyes at me. Fine. I was just kidding anyway. I think I know how to end the world.
It's just a theory mind you. Taking into consideration that the world can be destroyed, you naturally have to wonder how you go about doing it. I don't really think you'd need all those magic hullabaloo really. I was just indulging in a moment of drama there, haha. No, what you need is. . . .a switch. Yeah, a trigger if you will. Most people don't realise that for something big to happen, it's usually a small action that sparked it. Maybe something as innocuous as coming up with a little equation.
Einstein did it. E=mc2 he said. And look what happened.
A butterfly flaps its wings. . . . .hmm. A landslide action if you will. A small, innocent snowball rolling down a steep mountain and in the end, it's a roaring monster devouring everything in its path. Whoa. Scary isn't it? That to end the world you only need the right trigger?
Then there's for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. If you can flip the switch to end the world, that means you can stop it as well. But like I said; it's a landslide effect. By the time you see it coming, it's already a tsunami of white bearing down on you with all the mercy of a blind and deaf god. But nothing's impossible right? So I say you can stop the world from ending as well. Only, I don't think it's as easy as flipping a switch. No, there has to be an equal and opposite reaction. To stop the world from ending, you need the power to stop the world from ending.
I can feel shivers running down my spine. Who has the power to stop the Apocalypse? A god? I don't know if I have the power to do it. . . Hmm? Why should I be bothered about it? Well. . . .I don't know. . .just. . .curious, you know. I—
Shh! Can you hear it? He's laughing again. I hate it when he laughs like that. He doesn't sound like himself, the person I fell in love with. . . .there! Can you tell? It sounds. . .different now. . .he sounds almost. . . .scared.
I hate seeing him scared.
I have to go now. Thanks for listening to me. Yeah, I really have to go. Can't dally.
You see, I promised him that I'll never leave him. And I keep my promises.
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Pain.
Oh Enma help him, it hurts so bad. Hisoka was right. This was never meant for a mortal's hands. He can only wonder why he's not burnt to a crisp yet. But to think that Kyo had held it for as long as he had, he hadn't been immolated either. Maybe there was something in a Shinigami's makeup that allows him and Kyo to hold on as long as they had? They did, after all, been in Enma's presence, a true god.
No, can't wonder about that now. Have to concentrate. Concentrate and let everything go.
He's gasping, fire burning in his chest, his lungs, his mouth and behind his eyes. Everything is burning. His fingers are stuck to the Spear now and no amount of effort could pry his hands away from the obsidian shaft. Kyo's trying to hold on as well but he's already drained from summoning the Spear in the first place. He's at the advantage here since all he as to do is to bury the Spear once again.
God, if he could, he'd be laughing at how easy it sounds. Just bury the Spear again. Yeah, of course it's as simple as that. Excuse him while he rolls his eyes. But dammit, it is a simple as that. He just has to return the Spear where it belongs and maybe things can go back to how they were before. . .or at least, the Apocalypse can be stopped.
It's just. . .
I'm so sorry Kyo, a voice whispers in a corner of his mind. I'm so sorry. I think. . .no, I know I have to leave you. I can't do this without sacrificing everything. You understand that right?
He would have closed his eyes in despair if he could. But he couldn't. So he keeps them open and let the light burn him and he could just make out Kyo's pale form, shock and a glimpse of sanity in his eyes.
He mouths a voiceless cry.
I love you.
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They were going to be too late.
They were going to be too late.
It's too late.
It's too late.
That was the only mantra Hisoka could repeat in his head even as he chanted the words of destruction in perfect harmony with the others. The light was creeping nearer and nearer, a palpable heat that he knew with utter certainty, should it engulf them, all would be lost.
No help could be summoned from Enma. No one could breach the barriers when all the Shinigami that could, were already stuck here in the first place. He didn't know whether Enma could intervene directly and he doubted it would happen. If Enma could, he would have done so. Surely even the God of Death would not want the world to end?
His hands, locked in a gesture of prayer were shaking with equal parts fear and exhaustion. From the corner of his narrowed eyes, he could make out Tsuzuki doing the same, hands folded and mouth moving endlessly in prayer. The cracks had gotten large enough to put a fist through. But since none of them were pixie-sized, it wasn't enough. So they kept on chanting.
Hisoka was almost dancing with agitation as he could feel his back sweating profusely under the encroaching onslaught on light. The elements had yet to settle, if anything, they were getting more and more enraged. In fact, Hisoka was dancing. It was hard to keep his balance when the ground refused to act like a proper ground and stay still.
"Hisoka!" Tatsumi shouted from his right. He snapped his eyes open to see Tatsumi's face ablaze with triumph. The man pointed to the barrier. "Just one more and we'll be through!"
True enough, the hole had gotten almost large enough for him to slip through. His courage bolstered by the sight, Hisoka upped his incantation, the others falling in line when his breath caught in his chest.
There was a sudden hush to the air like the moment between exhaling your last breath and drawing your next was stretched out to eternity. Stillness rang through the air and the earth was poised suspended between one wave and the next. Hisoka could see a fork of lightning frozen like the splash of silver-white paint against black canvas. The sea was a wall of shimmering liquid glass and even the wind stopped its keening cry. Hisoka himself could not move. Leaden weights dragged his limbs down and his mouth worked soundlessly. Tsuzuki was having the same trouble, in fact, all of them were.
Is this it? Hisoka thought frantically. Is this the end? We're really going to die?
A sudden, soft exhalation of the faintest breeze. Almost lost even amidst the still life painting that was the world frozen in between instants.
I love you.
An exhalation.
Time flowed again.
The sudden return of reality was so unexpected, so shocking after an eternity of a second of stillness that Hisoka found himself falling down hard on the suddenly quiescent earth. His breath left his lungs in a whoosh and he blinked his eyes bemusedly. There was no more roaring, crashing and howling of enraged elements. He wondered if Mother Nature was having a headache already. All this alternating shows of the elements was giving him a pounding head. He fervently hoped that this time, the peace would hold. He was getting landsick.
"Wh-what was that?"
Hisoka turned slightly to see an equally dazed Watari blinking at him owlishly. The blond had lost his glasses and his hair flowed down his back in abandon, the ribbon long lost. Tatsumi by his side had the same 'did-anyone-get-the-number-of-that-truck?' look on his face. A rare occurrence indeed. Too bad he didn't have a camera with him now.
"I. ." Hisoka coughed to clear his throat of the choking dust, "I think it's over." And blinked as he realised what he said.
"You think so?" Tsuzuki mumbled. His husband was lying down on his back, exhaustion on his face. "It's really over?" The other Shinigami were also making the same enquiring noises and Hisoka found himself under everyone's scrutiny. He shrugged helplessly.
"We're not dead yet," he pointed out weakly.
Watari nodded. "Right. So. . .oh my god, Kyo and Takashi!" Watari stumbled to his feet, followed by the other three. The other Shinigami were just staring at them. Ignoring their less than enthusiastic colleagues, Watari, Tatsumi, Hisoka and Tsuzuki made their way shakily to the centre of the almost-destruction. Through the settling haze, they could just make out two blurred figures on the ground.
"They're alive!" Hisoka cried out and managed to force his feet into a run. Stumbling and sliding through the upturned earth and the occasional fish, Hisoka nearly fell on top of Kyo and Takashi. He quickly flung out his hands and the others crashed into him, their balance less than spectacular. Still, after some impressive wind-milling, they managed to stay upright. Smiles broke out on their faces seeing their two colleagues.
Until what it was they were seeing finally sank in.
There was no sign of the Jewelled Spear anywhere, only a charred hole nearby and the broken and tossed bodies of Aki and Hino flung farther out. Kyo was sitting on the ground, hair streaked with at first look seemed like dust but upon closer inspection was really his hair. It was almost completely white. But what really got their attention was what he was cradling. Takashi.
The former doctor looked like he was sleeping. His face was peaceful, eyes closed in repose and hands lying loosely at his sides. A gentle smile curved his mouth and they could almost believe that he was sleeping. But they were Shinigami. They know Death on intimate terms. They live it, breathe it and dealt with it on a daily basis.
Takashi's dead.
It wasn't possible. But it is.
The chest wasn't moving up and down in an act of breathing. That certain vitality life gave anyone was gone. It was like an empty house, the owner gone on vacation. The lights behind the curtains were dark and no one would answer if you knock on the door.
Takashi is dead.
"Kyo. ." Tatsumi breathed out a choked gasp.
Kyo looked up and they saw his near-white and completely insane eyes. The boy placed a finger on his lips.
"Shh," he frowned. "You'll wake up Takashi. He needs to rest. He's tired."
With a soft smile, Kyo hugged Takashi's limp body close and started to rock back and forth. He hummed a lullaby.
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to be continued
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