***Scene Change: Mrs. Snell's house. Mrs. Snell is reading a book called
"How to be a Bored Housewife and Do Dick-All" while watching porn and puts
it down when the doorbell rings**
Mrs. Snell: (opens the door) Oh, hello Mrs. White.
Mrs. White: Hello Mrs. Snell. How is Mr. Snell.
Mrs. Snell: Well, he has his wing, I have mine. (picks up a glass and a
bottle of vodka)
Mrs. White: MRS. SNELL!
Mrs. Snell: Oh, where are my manners. Would you care for some vodka?
Mrs. White: No, Mrs. Snell. I am here on the Lord's business.
Mrs. Snell: Your loss. More for me. Down the hatch!
Mrs. White: I pray you find Jesus!!
Mrs. Snell: (looks up with cocaine around her nose) I said God Damned!! Oh,
I'm sorry.
What were you saying?
Mrs. White: We're looking currently for gratuities for our ministry.
Mrs. Snell: Looking for what?
Mrs. White: We're looking for donations.
Mrs. Snell: Huh?
Mrs. White: Look. Just give me your cash, okay?
Mrs. Snell. Ohhhhhh. Get out.
Mrs. White: (pulls out a gun) Look. Just cut the shit and fork it over.
Mrs. Snell: Mrs. White! I don't have any money!
Mrs. White: (cocks the gun)
Mrs. Snell: Oh wait! Maybe I have a rolled up fifty in my hollowed out
bible. Maybe I should go look.
Mrs. White: Maybe you should.
*** Scene Change: The White Bungalow. Carrie is sitting in the chair. Mrs.
White kicks down the front door***
Mrs. White: So you're a woman now.. and I forgot my house keys this
morning.
Carrie: Mama, why didn't you tell me? I was so scared!
Mrs. White: You may not have meant to, but it happened. You have fallen
into the Devil's temptation.
Carrie: No, Mama, I swear I haven't been over to Michael Jackson's house in
a long time!
Mrs. White: You fool! How can we sue him for molestation if you're not
there to molest!
Carrie: But Mama! He wouldn't touch me even if I was there. Michael Jackson
likes boys!
Mrs. White: (gasps) Get down on your knees and pray for forgiveness!
Carrie: (kneels down)
Mrs. White: Repeat after me as we pray. (opens up book and reads) ..And
after he left the Jackson Five.
Carrie: No, Mama. He didn't leave. He was thrown out!
Mrs. White: And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her in the face
with the book) Read it! And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her
with the book) And after he left the Jackson Five (smacks her with the
book) And after he left the Jackson Five!!
Carrie: (Takes the book away and smacks her mother with it and then throws
it over her shoulder and we hear a cat yowl) Mother, I am not praying to
Michael Jackson. He's not even that talented! He's not even a male anymore!
Mrs. White: (grabs a hatchet) The bible says "Thou shalt not suffer a non-
believer to live"
Carrie: Oh, Mama, why is it always the hatchet with you?? Mama, that's not
even a bible. That's a Michael Jackson biography that someone threw at you
from their car window!
Mrs. White: Go to your closet and pray! Go! (throws Carrie in closet and
locks it)
(The closet is dark except for a statue of a crucified Michael Jackson and
various pictures of Michael Jackson)
***Scene Change: Next morning, the White's kitchen. Mrs. White shuffles in
and turns on the coffee maker***
Mrs. White: Carrie? Where did I leave my "Thriller" CD? Carrie? Oh Shit! I
forgot her in the closet! I've gotta stop doing that!! (Opens closet door
and Carrie falls out asleep) My God! I've killed her. What would Danger
Mouse do in this situation? . He would fly around in his rocket car! That's
what he'd do! (Twirls around the kitchen making plane noises and singing
the Danger Mouse theme)
Carrie: (wakes up) Mama?
Mrs. White: You're alive! It's a miracle! It's fantastic! (singing)
Wherever there is danger he'll be found! Danger Mouse! (twirls around the
kitchen and then trips over chair)
Carrie: Oh God, I've got to move out.
Mrs. White: It's a good thing Daddy Ralph isn't alive to hear you talk like
that!
Carrie: What are you talking about? Daddy Ralph is right there passed out
on the floor over there.
Mrs. White: Shit! How long has he been there??
Carrie: (thinks to herself) 8 years tomorrow.
Mrs. White: Thank Danger Mouse, My husband's alive (hurls coffee mug at
him) Get up, you lazy bum! I'm kicking you out!
Daddy Ralph: (wakes up) Shut yer yap woman! (looks at watch) oh shit! I'm
eight years late for work!
Mrs. White: What work? You haven't been employed in twelve years!
Daddy Ralph: Where are my smokes, woman?
Mrs. White: Did you look up your ass you drunken fool?
Daddy Ralph: (looks down in shame) Yes
Carrie: Fuck you both! I'm going to school! (Carrie walks out the door and
we see Daddy Ralph thrown out of window by Mrs. White)
"How to be a Bored Housewife and Do Dick-All" while watching porn and puts
it down when the doorbell rings**
Mrs. Snell: (opens the door) Oh, hello Mrs. White.
Mrs. White: Hello Mrs. Snell. How is Mr. Snell.
Mrs. Snell: Well, he has his wing, I have mine. (picks up a glass and a
bottle of vodka)
Mrs. White: MRS. SNELL!
Mrs. Snell: Oh, where are my manners. Would you care for some vodka?
Mrs. White: No, Mrs. Snell. I am here on the Lord's business.
Mrs. Snell: Your loss. More for me. Down the hatch!
Mrs. White: I pray you find Jesus!!
Mrs. Snell: (looks up with cocaine around her nose) I said God Damned!! Oh,
I'm sorry.
What were you saying?
Mrs. White: We're looking currently for gratuities for our ministry.
Mrs. Snell: Looking for what?
Mrs. White: We're looking for donations.
Mrs. Snell: Huh?
Mrs. White: Look. Just give me your cash, okay?
Mrs. Snell. Ohhhhhh. Get out.
Mrs. White: (pulls out a gun) Look. Just cut the shit and fork it over.
Mrs. Snell: Mrs. White! I don't have any money!
Mrs. White: (cocks the gun)
Mrs. Snell: Oh wait! Maybe I have a rolled up fifty in my hollowed out
bible. Maybe I should go look.
Mrs. White: Maybe you should.
*** Scene Change: The White Bungalow. Carrie is sitting in the chair. Mrs.
White kicks down the front door***
Mrs. White: So you're a woman now.. and I forgot my house keys this
morning.
Carrie: Mama, why didn't you tell me? I was so scared!
Mrs. White: You may not have meant to, but it happened. You have fallen
into the Devil's temptation.
Carrie: No, Mama, I swear I haven't been over to Michael Jackson's house in
a long time!
Mrs. White: You fool! How can we sue him for molestation if you're not
there to molest!
Carrie: But Mama! He wouldn't touch me even if I was there. Michael Jackson
likes boys!
Mrs. White: (gasps) Get down on your knees and pray for forgiveness!
Carrie: (kneels down)
Mrs. White: Repeat after me as we pray. (opens up book and reads) ..And
after he left the Jackson Five.
Carrie: No, Mama. He didn't leave. He was thrown out!
Mrs. White: And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her in the face
with the book) Read it! And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her
with the book) And after he left the Jackson Five (smacks her with the
book) And after he left the Jackson Five!!
Carrie: (Takes the book away and smacks her mother with it and then throws
it over her shoulder and we hear a cat yowl) Mother, I am not praying to
Michael Jackson. He's not even that talented! He's not even a male anymore!
Mrs. White: (grabs a hatchet) The bible says "Thou shalt not suffer a non-
believer to live"
Carrie: Oh, Mama, why is it always the hatchet with you?? Mama, that's not
even a bible. That's a Michael Jackson biography that someone threw at you
from their car window!
Mrs. White: Go to your closet and pray! Go! (throws Carrie in closet and
locks it)
(The closet is dark except for a statue of a crucified Michael Jackson and
various pictures of Michael Jackson)
***Scene Change: Next morning, the White's kitchen. Mrs. White shuffles in
and turns on the coffee maker***
Mrs. White: Carrie? Where did I leave my "Thriller" CD? Carrie? Oh Shit! I
forgot her in the closet! I've gotta stop doing that!! (Opens closet door
and Carrie falls out asleep) My God! I've killed her. What would Danger
Mouse do in this situation? . He would fly around in his rocket car! That's
what he'd do! (Twirls around the kitchen making plane noises and singing
the Danger Mouse theme)
Carrie: (wakes up) Mama?
Mrs. White: You're alive! It's a miracle! It's fantastic! (singing)
Wherever there is danger he'll be found! Danger Mouse! (twirls around the
kitchen and then trips over chair)
Carrie: Oh God, I've got to move out.
Mrs. White: It's a good thing Daddy Ralph isn't alive to hear you talk like
that!
Carrie: What are you talking about? Daddy Ralph is right there passed out
on the floor over there.
Mrs. White: Shit! How long has he been there??
Carrie: (thinks to herself) 8 years tomorrow.
Mrs. White: Thank Danger Mouse, My husband's alive (hurls coffee mug at
him) Get up, you lazy bum! I'm kicking you out!
Daddy Ralph: (wakes up) Shut yer yap woman! (looks at watch) oh shit! I'm
eight years late for work!
Mrs. White: What work? You haven't been employed in twelve years!
Daddy Ralph: Where are my smokes, woman?
Mrs. White: Did you look up your ass you drunken fool?
Daddy Ralph: (looks down in shame) Yes
Carrie: Fuck you both! I'm going to school! (Carrie walks out the door and
we see Daddy Ralph thrown out of window by Mrs. White)