***Scene Change: Billy Nolan's car. Chris Hargenson is riding in the
passenger seat***
Chris: Billy? (silence) Billy? (silence) Billy?
Billy: Woman, would you shut the fuck up? (backhands her and opens a beer)
Chris: You gave me a black-eye you dumb shit!
Billy: (punches her in the face) Don't call me that! (lights a joint)
Chris: Well, you are a dumb shit, you dumb shit!
Billy: (beats her with a two-by-four while railing cocaine off the
dashboard)
Chris: You dumb shit! I'm dying now! and If I bleed on my white Prada
sweater, you are so going
to pay for it (police sirens as the police pulls over Billy's car) and he
gave it so me because I'm the most popular in school and then (police
arrive at window of car)
Billy: Officer, she's a hooker who climbed into my car and won't get out. I
didn't even ask her in.
Officer #1: (Yanks her out of the car and starts to cuff and beat her)
Chris: .and Muffy said that she was the most popular and I'm like nuh-uh
and she's like yuh-huh.
Billy: C'mon. give them a reason.
Chris: Hey! Let go of me, do you know who I.
Officer #2: SUSPECT IS RESISTING ARREST! (Peppersprays Chris)
Officer #1: (to Billy) We'll handle this from here. Have a good night sir.
Drive safe.
Billy: (slurred) Will do ossifer (rails line of cocaine from dashboard)
***Scene Change: Carrie is walking along Carlin Street***
Carrie: (singing) Stacy's mom has got it going on, Stacy's mom has got it
go.
Producer: You're on my movie set!
Carrie: Movie?
Producer: Yes! Now see what you've done? You've distracted Scott Wolf!
Carrie: Scott Wolf?
Scott Wolf: Yeah, I used to be in Party of Five.
Carrie: Oh, yeah! Dude, that was, like, 8 years ago. You've gotta move on.
Scott Wolf: Ang! She's making me feel bad!
Producer: Stay away from my B-List celebrity!
Carrie: B-LIST? Who are you kidding?
Producer: Fine! C-List! Are you happy?
Lawyer (comes running up waving a piece of paper) Ma'am, we now have a
court order that requires that you keep at least 50 feet away from any C-
List celebrity at all times, including Scott Wolf, Kelly Shanigne Williams
from Family Matters, the Olson Twins, Colin Hanks, the "Dude, you're
getting a Dell" guy, the "Can you hear me now" guy, Tootie from "The Facts
of Life", the fat Dixie Chick, that third member of Destiny's Child that no
one likes, Sean Connery, Rosie O'Donnel and that ugly dorky guy from "The
OC".
Carrie: What about the ugly guy from Friends, David Schwimmer?
Lawyer: That would be acceptable. No one gives a crap about David
Schwimmer. You can stalk him as much as you want. He'll probably bake you
cookies for it.
Producer: Hell, I've stalked him just for the cookies. His Raisin Roundies
are to die for.
Carrie: Hooray! I'm gonna get me some cookies! Where the hell did I put my
night vision goggles?? (Runs off giggling)
***Scene Change: Sue's Bedroom, Her boyfriend, Tommy Ross is hogtied and
gagged on the bed, and sue is dressed in leather as a dominatrix***
Sue: (in a monotone voice)
ohyoudirtydirtyboyI'mgonnawhipyouandgiveyousuchaspankingyoufilthyfilthystink
boy
Tommy: (muffled) Banana
Sue: (unties the gag) What's wrong dear?
Tommy: What's wrong with you tonight, Sue? You just don't seem into it.
Sue: (sighs) It's nothing. I just did a not-so-good thing today and I feel
kind of bad about it.
Tommy: No, babe, I liked the spanking, really, those were tears of joy.
Sue: Not that, you dumbass!
Tommy: Oh yeah, that's more like it! Talk dirty to me and rub my nipples!
Sue: Shut your damn hole, Mary, I'm not in the mood.
Tommy: Then should I take off your panties?
Sue: Umm. you keep them.
Tommy: Score! Now I have something to wear to church on Sunday. (chuckles)
no one will suspect a thing!
Sue: Will you shut up and listen. I want you to do me a favour.
Tommy: I'll get the lube.
Sue: No, douche bad, not that kind of favour. I was a total bitch to Carrie
White today, so I want you to take her to prom.
Tommy: Two prom dates? Sweet! Threeway! I'll be the biggest pimp dadd-
Sue: (interrupting) No, shithead, I want you to take her instead of me.
Tommy: Will she tie me up and call me names?
Sue: Maybe if you're good.
Tommy: Niceness! I should get a new leather thong just for the occasion.
Sue: Ummm...sure. Whatever.
passenger seat***
Chris: Billy? (silence) Billy? (silence) Billy?
Billy: Woman, would you shut the fuck up? (backhands her and opens a beer)
Chris: You gave me a black-eye you dumb shit!
Billy: (punches her in the face) Don't call me that! (lights a joint)
Chris: Well, you are a dumb shit, you dumb shit!
Billy: (beats her with a two-by-four while railing cocaine off the
dashboard)
Chris: You dumb shit! I'm dying now! and If I bleed on my white Prada
sweater, you are so going
to pay for it (police sirens as the police pulls over Billy's car) and he
gave it so me because I'm the most popular in school and then (police
arrive at window of car)
Billy: Officer, she's a hooker who climbed into my car and won't get out. I
didn't even ask her in.
Officer #1: (Yanks her out of the car and starts to cuff and beat her)
Chris: .and Muffy said that she was the most popular and I'm like nuh-uh
and she's like yuh-huh.
Billy: C'mon. give them a reason.
Chris: Hey! Let go of me, do you know who I.
Officer #2: SUSPECT IS RESISTING ARREST! (Peppersprays Chris)
Officer #1: (to Billy) We'll handle this from here. Have a good night sir.
Drive safe.
Billy: (slurred) Will do ossifer (rails line of cocaine from dashboard)
***Scene Change: Carrie is walking along Carlin Street***
Carrie: (singing) Stacy's mom has got it going on, Stacy's mom has got it
go.
Producer: You're on my movie set!
Carrie: Movie?
Producer: Yes! Now see what you've done? You've distracted Scott Wolf!
Carrie: Scott Wolf?
Scott Wolf: Yeah, I used to be in Party of Five.
Carrie: Oh, yeah! Dude, that was, like, 8 years ago. You've gotta move on.
Scott Wolf: Ang! She's making me feel bad!
Producer: Stay away from my B-List celebrity!
Carrie: B-LIST? Who are you kidding?
Producer: Fine! C-List! Are you happy?
Lawyer (comes running up waving a piece of paper) Ma'am, we now have a
court order that requires that you keep at least 50 feet away from any C-
List celebrity at all times, including Scott Wolf, Kelly Shanigne Williams
from Family Matters, the Olson Twins, Colin Hanks, the "Dude, you're
getting a Dell" guy, the "Can you hear me now" guy, Tootie from "The Facts
of Life", the fat Dixie Chick, that third member of Destiny's Child that no
one likes, Sean Connery, Rosie O'Donnel and that ugly dorky guy from "The
OC".
Carrie: What about the ugly guy from Friends, David Schwimmer?
Lawyer: That would be acceptable. No one gives a crap about David
Schwimmer. You can stalk him as much as you want. He'll probably bake you
cookies for it.
Producer: Hell, I've stalked him just for the cookies. His Raisin Roundies
are to die for.
Carrie: Hooray! I'm gonna get me some cookies! Where the hell did I put my
night vision goggles?? (Runs off giggling)
***Scene Change: Sue's Bedroom, Her boyfriend, Tommy Ross is hogtied and
gagged on the bed, and sue is dressed in leather as a dominatrix***
Sue: (in a monotone voice)
ohyoudirtydirtyboyI'mgonnawhipyouandgiveyousuchaspankingyoufilthyfilthystink
boy
Tommy: (muffled) Banana
Sue: (unties the gag) What's wrong dear?
Tommy: What's wrong with you tonight, Sue? You just don't seem into it.
Sue: (sighs) It's nothing. I just did a not-so-good thing today and I feel
kind of bad about it.
Tommy: No, babe, I liked the spanking, really, those were tears of joy.
Sue: Not that, you dumbass!
Tommy: Oh yeah, that's more like it! Talk dirty to me and rub my nipples!
Sue: Shut your damn hole, Mary, I'm not in the mood.
Tommy: Then should I take off your panties?
Sue: Umm. you keep them.
Tommy: Score! Now I have something to wear to church on Sunday. (chuckles)
no one will suspect a thing!
Sue: Will you shut up and listen. I want you to do me a favour.
Tommy: I'll get the lube.
Sue: No, douche bad, not that kind of favour. I was a total bitch to Carrie
White today, so I want you to take her to prom.
Tommy: Two prom dates? Sweet! Threeway! I'll be the biggest pimp dadd-
Sue: (interrupting) No, shithead, I want you to take her instead of me.
Tommy: Will she tie me up and call me names?
Sue: Maybe if you're good.
Tommy: Niceness! I should get a new leather thong just for the occasion.
Sue: Ummm...sure. Whatever.