Waiting

Kirsten didn't know how long she had been staring out the window. It had been mid-afternoon when the three of them had arrived in the hospital's waiting room. Now the lights in the hospital's parking lot were coming on. Sandy had said something, something that had interrupted the bleak thoughts that kept endlessly repeating inside her head. What had Sandy said? She thought he'd said something about Ryan. She looked up at Sandy and he repeated, "Ryan needs us." She frowned slightly in puzzlement. Of course he needed us. Where was he? Sandy nodded off to the other side of the room where Ryan sat hunched forward in his chair, elbows resting on knees, his head in his hands.

He seemed to sense their attention. His head came up slowly and as he returned their stare Kirsten was struck by the change in his face since the craziness of last night's dinner. Real smiles, smiles that reached all the way to his eyes, had been rare when he first came to Newport; but they had come more frequently in the months since he arrived. Not even Tijuana had banished them completely; but the face staring back at them was a throwback to that awful first week of fear and sadness when his old life had died and his new life had gotten off to such a stumbling start. It was the fear in his eyes that threatened to undo her. As he walked over to them, it pained her to see the slowness of his movements. His slow pace wasn't the calculated taunt of a teenager bent on challenging his parents. She feared that his slowness came from an actual reluctance to talk to them as much as from the injuries he had suffered. Kirsten's hand closed on Sandy's arm as Ryan stopped in front of them.

How like him to offer to do something for them. He always tries to please -- to make things better. Seth had confided to her that Ryan thought he was jinxed, always making things worse for those he loved. Kirsten's answer surprises Ryan and brings a quizzical look from Sandy. "We don't need anything Ryan but what do you want? You told me once that all you wanted was to be 17. But what do you really want?" Sandy laces his fingers through hers and squeezes softly. Kirsten shakes her head slightly and asks again, "Ryan, what do you really want?"

Ryan's eyes are turned away from them staring at the floor. His answer comes in a soft monotone, "I want to belong somewhere. I want to be able to go to school in the morning and know that when I come home in the afternoon someone will be there for me. Not a neighbor who takes pity on those poor kids ("Such a shame about their mother.") but someone who cares about me, who loves me."

Kirsten's throat tightens but she continues, "Ryan, who does Seth say you are? I've heard him introduce you to people when he thought I wasn't around. Who does Seth Cohen say Ryan Atwood is?"

Ryan backs slowly away from them as Kirsten asks her questions. He stops after only a step or two. This time he does meet their eyes. There is a mixture of wonder and longing in his face. "Seth tells people I'm his brother. Just his brother, nothing about me being your ward, no explanation of why we have different last names, or why we look nothing alike. To the world, as far as Seth Cohen is concerned, I am his brother." Disbelief fills his voice. "It's like he's a little kid proudly showing off his new baby brother to strangers."

Tears are sliding down Kirsten's cheeks but she knows that she has to finish what she has started for all their sakes. Has to ask that one last question. In a tight voice she asks, "Ryan what are you afraid of?"

Ryan's face is a confusion of emotions: sadness, the fear that she'd seen before, and a flash of something else she can't identify. He stands before them, hugging himself, his head down, his chin resting on his chest. The carpet seems to have regained its fascination for him. With an effort that is painful to watch, he answers. "I'm afraid that Seth will die, but…," his voice trails off and the emotion that has puzzled Kirsten seems to be more pronounced on his face now. He rocks back and forth slowly and then tries again. "I'm afraid that Seth will die, but I'm also afraid that I'll have to leave if he dies. It scares me, the thought that I'll find myself back on a street corner again staring at another payphone. Only this time there's no one, no one to call, no one to rescue me."

Ryan hasn't stopped his slow back and forth rocking and now his eyes are starting to shine with moisture. Kirsten realizes that the emotion on Ryan's face that had puzzled her is despair. He takes a breath and the tears that had been only a threat before are now starting to roll down his cheeks.

Ryan raises his head. "But what really frightens, terrifies, me, is that I'm turning into my parents. All the time I was growing up, everything was always about them. Trey and I never counted for anything. It was always about their next bottle or the next fix. We were only good for bigger welfare checks and for the charity we could wring from generous churches or softhearted landlords. My only friend could die and I can't stop worrying about how his death would effect me. I hate having these thoughts but I can't get rid of them. It shouldn't be about me."

Sandy goes to Ryan and pulls him to his chest and holds him tight. He leads Ryan back to the chairs and sits him down between the two of them. "Ryan, there aren't any saints around today and no one expects you to be one. Every person has thoughts that embarrass them occasionally. You can't beat yourself up for worrying about your future, for not wanting to go back to your old life. Ryan, you've only been with us a few months but something that Kirsten and I know about you, after just this short time, is that you are not like your mother. You do not put your own happiness, ccnvenience, or even safety ahead of that of others. If that were true, you wouldn't have accumulated the awesome collection of bruises and scrapes that you have since coming to us. Most of which were acquired getting our Seth out of bad situations of his own making."

Kirsten takes Ryan's chin in her hand and raises his head so she can see his eyes. "No one knows what the future holds Ryan; but Sandy and I had a discussion about you after the cotillion. We made a decision that night." Ryan looks a question at her and she smiles. "No, we didn't discuss this with Seth. We already knew his opinion and we hoped that it would never be necessary to discuss this with you. Circumstances change, however. We decided that night that if you chose to stay with us we would not give you up to anyone. We'll run out the clock on anyone who tries to take you, be it the state or your parents."

Kirsten's face has become grim and in a voice that Ryan reckons belongs to Caleb Nichols's daughter rather than to Seth's mom she says, "My father has given me a lot of advice since I started to work for him. There's very little of his advice that I think would be of value to either you or Seth. But one thing he said that I agree with is that you never give up something that you believe in or that belongs to you without a fight. Sandy and I know that you belong with us. You'll be eighteen in two years. No one will be able to get past the legal barriers that we can throw up around you in that time."

She smiles at him and brushes the hair from his forehead. :"So young man, if you want to stay with us and can avoid committing any felonies for the next two years, Newport is your home. No one will take away your right to control your own future, Ryan. You are a part of this family now. There is no going back, no having second thoughts, no matter what happens today, or in the future." There is a slight hesitation in Kirsten's voice at the end that she covers by leaning forward and kissing Ryan on the cheek. His smile is dazzling, so sweet and free from the fear she has seen in it today that she knows that Ryan finally and genuinely believes that he is home to stay.

Kirsten settles back into her chair. Ryan shares the chair's armrest with her; they are holding hands. Sandy has his arm across Ryan's shoulder. He gives Kirsten's shoulder a soft squeeze and they share a sad smile across Ryan's head. A sudden weight on her shoulder tells Kirsten that the day has finally caught up with their iron man. Ryan has dozed off and is using her shoulder as his pillow.

All they can do now , and perhaps it is not such a very small thing, is to be together as a family as they wait for what the future will bring.