Such is Life
Part 23
I was nervous for the first couple of days but eventually I got used to the hustle and bustle of the business again. I didn't know anyone, kept myself to myself and I liked it that way, it meant no one knew who I was either. No one knew I was Chris Jericho's wife,(Yes we were still married! Neither one of us had the heart or the stomach to start divorce proceedings it was all just too fresh, too painful.)So I was able to just do my work and no one gave me the sympathetic looks or tried to be my friend because of who I knew rather than who I was.
It was a few weeks before I started to remember the names of the wrestlers that came and went with their torn shirts or ripped pants, but I was getting the hang of it. One particular guy was always cheerful and friendly, his name was Matt Hardy. He always had a smile for me or a joke to tell me as I passed him in the corridor. He was a nice guy, but he wasn't Chris. So when he asked me out I politely refused. A few weeks later I heard he was dating another wrestler by the name of Amy Dumas, Shame really but I wasn't ready to be going out on dates with anyone, I didn't know that I ever would be ready. Still Matt remained a friend & that I was greatful for on the long road trips between venues. I made other friends eventually and Shawn stopped by sometimes, he was back to working as a wrestler but they put him on Raw, I guess I was hoping he'd be on Smackdown but I still got to see him once in a while and we always had fun and I was glad he bothered to keep in touch with me after my mother treated him like a pile of shit! Most guys wouldn't have bothered but I believe I've said it before, Shawn was that kind of a guy, he cared, whether he wanted to or not I don't think he could help it!
So I went on, did my job, slept on the coach, even went out a couple of times with some people that I worked with. I was starting to live again, smile again, it had been a long time comming but I still felt the emptiness on a night when I was alone in bed and when I went home it was even worse. I barely went back there at all.
When I took the job I didn't think about the pay per views, the JOINT pay per views! When we had one comming up I still didn't think about the fact that the Raw rosta would be in attendance as well as the usual guys that I worked with. It wasn't until Shawn said something on the phone the night before the show that the penny dropped and I felt sick to my stomach with nerves. All he said was "See you tomorrw night!" I could have ran away. I almost did! I chewed on my nails all night staring out of the hotel window, not really sure what to do. In the end I called in sick. I wanted to see him so badly but I didn't know what he was doing with his life by then, maybe he had another girlfriend? Maybe he didn't feel the need to see me the way I yearned for the slightest glimpse of him? I didn't want to take the chance of being kicked right back down to square one again just when things were getting a little easier to deal with. So I stayed in bed and for the first time in a few weeks I cried most of the day knowing he was so near by and yet I was unable to go to him, hold him, I couldn't even see him.
After the show was over Shawn turned up at the hotel room door. I rolled my eyes and let him in.
"They said you were sick?"
"I am." I lied and he felt my forehead for a temperature. "Don't fuss I'll live."
"Are you sure that's all it is?"
"It's probably a 24 hour thing. I'll be fine in the morning."
"Well I see you managed to put some clothes on at least."
"Yeah look I'm really tired Shawn can we do this shit another time?"
"What shit?"
"This over protective crap that you pull with me for God knows what reason! I can not deal with it tonight ok?" I snapped, I hadn't meant to. Shawn pursed his lips, nodded his head and stood up.
"Ok, guess I know where we stand then huh?"
"Shawn I didn't mean it."I sighed and sat down with my head in my hands. "Don't go ok? I'm sorry."
He sighed and sat down next to me, "You didn't want to see him did you?"
"The problem was I did want to see him but I just can't do it. It's too hard."
"I can understand that."
"Is he..." I paused, "Is he happy?"
"I think he's doing ok." Shawn smiled, "But I don't know him all that well, maybe you should ask him yourself?"
"Yeah right! Just turn up to Raw one night and say Hey Chris how's it goin? Fucking anyone? Not that I care or anything I just want to make sure you're happy!" I said sarcastically.
"You could just go down the hall and knock on his door."
I froze. He was down the hall, all this time he was just a few feet away from me. I couldn't believe it! "I can't just go and knock on his door."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't." I whispered and stood up. He followed me to the window, standing behind me as I stared out over another nameless city.
"Wouldn't you rather know one way or the other?"
"Yes, no...I don't know!" I leaned my head against the cold glass of the window pane and felt Shawn move closer behind me until he put his arms around my waist.
"I would rather know if it was me." He said into my ear and I leaned my head back on his shoulder, I always felt comfortable with him even though he was older than me. His hug tightened and he rocked me slightly.
"I love him so much I couldn't bare it if he didn't still have some sort of feelings for me, I'd rather not know, live in hope!" I said quietly, "But thankyou."
"What have I done?" I could see Shawn's reflection in the window as he smiled over my shoulder.
"You have no idea!"I laughed slightly.
"So tell me?"
I turned around and faced him, "When I was....look I...I ah.....you've been there for me a lot over the past couple of months that'sall."
"NO you were going to say something? When you were what?"
I blushed and walked to the mini bar. "Drink?"
"Sure."
We got a bottle of beer each and sat on the sofa. "So?"
"It's nothing! Stupid! Ignore me!"
I managed to avoid the subject most of the night as we drank and drank our way through the mini bar but I had wanted to tell him about when I was 15, when I thought I loved him, how seeing him with my mother was the worst thing that could have happened and then through all of it it was him that was here for me still, not my mother, not who it should have been. It was weird how things turned out yet here he was anyway and my husband was but a few doors away and I couldn't even go and see him.
Part 23
I was nervous for the first couple of days but eventually I got used to the hustle and bustle of the business again. I didn't know anyone, kept myself to myself and I liked it that way, it meant no one knew who I was either. No one knew I was Chris Jericho's wife,(Yes we were still married! Neither one of us had the heart or the stomach to start divorce proceedings it was all just too fresh, too painful.)So I was able to just do my work and no one gave me the sympathetic looks or tried to be my friend because of who I knew rather than who I was.
It was a few weeks before I started to remember the names of the wrestlers that came and went with their torn shirts or ripped pants, but I was getting the hang of it. One particular guy was always cheerful and friendly, his name was Matt Hardy. He always had a smile for me or a joke to tell me as I passed him in the corridor. He was a nice guy, but he wasn't Chris. So when he asked me out I politely refused. A few weeks later I heard he was dating another wrestler by the name of Amy Dumas, Shame really but I wasn't ready to be going out on dates with anyone, I didn't know that I ever would be ready. Still Matt remained a friend & that I was greatful for on the long road trips between venues. I made other friends eventually and Shawn stopped by sometimes, he was back to working as a wrestler but they put him on Raw, I guess I was hoping he'd be on Smackdown but I still got to see him once in a while and we always had fun and I was glad he bothered to keep in touch with me after my mother treated him like a pile of shit! Most guys wouldn't have bothered but I believe I've said it before, Shawn was that kind of a guy, he cared, whether he wanted to or not I don't think he could help it!
So I went on, did my job, slept on the coach, even went out a couple of times with some people that I worked with. I was starting to live again, smile again, it had been a long time comming but I still felt the emptiness on a night when I was alone in bed and when I went home it was even worse. I barely went back there at all.
When I took the job I didn't think about the pay per views, the JOINT pay per views! When we had one comming up I still didn't think about the fact that the Raw rosta would be in attendance as well as the usual guys that I worked with. It wasn't until Shawn said something on the phone the night before the show that the penny dropped and I felt sick to my stomach with nerves. All he said was "See you tomorrw night!" I could have ran away. I almost did! I chewed on my nails all night staring out of the hotel window, not really sure what to do. In the end I called in sick. I wanted to see him so badly but I didn't know what he was doing with his life by then, maybe he had another girlfriend? Maybe he didn't feel the need to see me the way I yearned for the slightest glimpse of him? I didn't want to take the chance of being kicked right back down to square one again just when things were getting a little easier to deal with. So I stayed in bed and for the first time in a few weeks I cried most of the day knowing he was so near by and yet I was unable to go to him, hold him, I couldn't even see him.
After the show was over Shawn turned up at the hotel room door. I rolled my eyes and let him in.
"They said you were sick?"
"I am." I lied and he felt my forehead for a temperature. "Don't fuss I'll live."
"Are you sure that's all it is?"
"It's probably a 24 hour thing. I'll be fine in the morning."
"Well I see you managed to put some clothes on at least."
"Yeah look I'm really tired Shawn can we do this shit another time?"
"What shit?"
"This over protective crap that you pull with me for God knows what reason! I can not deal with it tonight ok?" I snapped, I hadn't meant to. Shawn pursed his lips, nodded his head and stood up.
"Ok, guess I know where we stand then huh?"
"Shawn I didn't mean it."I sighed and sat down with my head in my hands. "Don't go ok? I'm sorry."
He sighed and sat down next to me, "You didn't want to see him did you?"
"The problem was I did want to see him but I just can't do it. It's too hard."
"I can understand that."
"Is he..." I paused, "Is he happy?"
"I think he's doing ok." Shawn smiled, "But I don't know him all that well, maybe you should ask him yourself?"
"Yeah right! Just turn up to Raw one night and say Hey Chris how's it goin? Fucking anyone? Not that I care or anything I just want to make sure you're happy!" I said sarcastically.
"You could just go down the hall and knock on his door."
I froze. He was down the hall, all this time he was just a few feet away from me. I couldn't believe it! "I can't just go and knock on his door."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't." I whispered and stood up. He followed me to the window, standing behind me as I stared out over another nameless city.
"Wouldn't you rather know one way or the other?"
"Yes, no...I don't know!" I leaned my head against the cold glass of the window pane and felt Shawn move closer behind me until he put his arms around my waist.
"I would rather know if it was me." He said into my ear and I leaned my head back on his shoulder, I always felt comfortable with him even though he was older than me. His hug tightened and he rocked me slightly.
"I love him so much I couldn't bare it if he didn't still have some sort of feelings for me, I'd rather not know, live in hope!" I said quietly, "But thankyou."
"What have I done?" I could see Shawn's reflection in the window as he smiled over my shoulder.
"You have no idea!"I laughed slightly.
"So tell me?"
I turned around and faced him, "When I was....look I...I ah.....you've been there for me a lot over the past couple of months that'sall."
"NO you were going to say something? When you were what?"
I blushed and walked to the mini bar. "Drink?"
"Sure."
We got a bottle of beer each and sat on the sofa. "So?"
"It's nothing! Stupid! Ignore me!"
I managed to avoid the subject most of the night as we drank and drank our way through the mini bar but I had wanted to tell him about when I was 15, when I thought I loved him, how seeing him with my mother was the worst thing that could have happened and then through all of it it was him that was here for me still, not my mother, not who it should have been. It was weird how things turned out yet here he was anyway and my husband was but a few doors away and I couldn't even go and see him.