NARRATOR'S VOICE (the gruff but lovable, but sometimes pathetic, Jim Hart): Previoushly on "Everwood Ashendant" …

[Cut to shot of former salvage ship Miner Maru – the one the starship uses as a landing shuttle for away missions – docked to mysterious station in deep space. Then cut to equally mysterious lab inside station. Bright, wearing leather pants and sleeveless leather top, with laced V front showing off his very muscular chest and biceps, is facing a busty, young female scientist with really big blonde hair, wearing a midriff-bearing pantsuit. Could it be? No!]

MADISON (smiling smugly as she hands box of lab vials to Bright): There you are, Tiger! These samples should convince them you're the genetic reincarnation of Colin Museveni, patriarch of the Nietzschean prides.

BRIGHT (grinning): Sweet! Who says blondes don't have the answers?

MADISON: While I'm at it, I could analyze your entire personality and your family dynamics for you. [Sneers.] You're just a guy, so your emotions can't be that complex.

BRIGHT (snarling): Hey, I'm Bright Anasazi, out of Victoria by Barbarossa. [Sneers.] Analyze this. [Lifts large Gatling-esque ray gun from his right side, points it at Madison, and blasts her, knocking her to floor.]

[Cut to shot of Maru pulling away from station as explosions engulf it.]

[Cut to conference room on starship. Andy Brown, in High Guard captain's uniform, faces Ephram Harper, in jeans and Silver Surfer T-shirt.]

EPHRAM (beaming): Boss, meet Amy, the ship's new avatar.

AMY (in stretchy jumpsuit, smiling perkily, flipping hair): At your service, captain! I can kickbox, monitor all ship systems, and cater a fabulous diplomatic reception, with a delicious artichoke dip served in a homemade bread bowl! B-b-b-bo, bowl!

ANDY (puzzled): What's with that … twitch?

EPHRAM (nervous): The interface needs a few … minor tweaks.

ANDY: Get on it.

[Cut to black screen. White type appears, one line at a time, over vaguely ominous background music.]

Miners go in long!

Miners go in deep!

Miners do it with helmets on

and never go to sleep!

 -- Peak County High School football cheer

CY 6932

[Cut to command deck of starship. Andy faces view screen at front. Nina Valentine, captain of Maru, stands behind him at pilot's station, wearing laced leather outfit, vaguely similar to Bright's but much less revealing. If you have to ask why, you wouldn't understand. Anyway. Bright stands at tactical station, poker-faced. Delia Gemini, in indescribable outfit with equally indescribable hair, stands on other side of deck.]

ROSE (appearing on right half of screen, because she's the ship's artificial intelligence, or AI … hey, mothers have eyes in the backs of their heads, and AI's have sensors everywhere, so why not?): Incoming, captain.

ANDY (nods, looks at left half of screen): Admiral Baxworth!

BRENDA: We've received reports that most of the Nietzschean prides have left the Commonwealth and joined forces with the Koma-Kastoffs. However, we can't confirm anything. We'll keep you posted. [Half sneers.] And try to keep in touch, will you?

ANDY: We always - [screen goes blank, returns to star view]

EPHRAM (walking onto deck from hallway): Avatar interface tweaked and ready, boss!

ANDY (turning toward Ephram, who's now at comm station): Yeah, well, you can get to the comm system next. I don't want it going out on us in the middle of a battle.

AMY (appearing on left half of view screen): Speaking of which, I'm detecting intruders in Cargo Bay 7. They are so busted!

ANDY (turning to face screen): Tactical alert! Send security to -

P.A. SYSTEM: "It's raaain-ing men! Hal-le-lu-jah! It's raaain-ing men! A-men!"

ANDY (looking up): Dammit, we don't need bells and whistles, let alone music! [Turns to face Ephram as Delia shakes head and rolls eyes, and Bright stifles laugh.] Didn't I just -

EPHRAM: What! You think I picked this?!

ANDY: I don't care who picked it, just get rid of it! Now! And Bright! Get down there and take care of those bastards!

BRIGHT: On my way. [Smirks on way out door, back to rest of crew.]

***

[Cut to opening credits: Stirring theme music. Andy Brown in High Guard captain's uniform, surrounded by crew, on command deck of starship.]

ANDY'S VOICE: The universe is a dangerous place. Especially when I cook. But in our future, my crew and I fight to make it safe. I'm Andrew Brown, captain of the Everwood Ascendant, and these are our adventures.

[Cut to names, pictures, etc.]

***