Narrator here. Once again, I have found myself duct-taped to my own chair. *glares at Kanashimi*
Kanashimi: At least this time it wasn't because you went on a homicidal rampage.
Narrator: So, why did you do it then?
Kanashimi: Ummmm…
Soujiro: Cherry-san said something about "lawyer bait," but I don't understand that at all.
Narrator: You left me as a totem sacrifice for Shonen Jump's lawyers?!?!
Kanashimi: Well, you were the one who practically asphyxiated herself and left Cherry and me to do the outtakes! I think you should be grateful that you even contributed a little bit of comic relief this time around! You're the authoress for Chrissakes! I had to take on the responsibility all by myself! And I had to give up playing with Pookie too! And now, these girls Izumi and Alyssa are challenging me for him!
Saitou: If I wasn't so sure they'd be a bad as Kanashimi, I would have gone with them…
Kanashimi: See, right there! See how my neglecting Pookie let his attention wonder to other women! You're such a jerk, Saitou! *starts bawling* And now…and now…WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Saitou: *sweatdrop*
Narrator: Oh Kami-sama, I'm sorry Kanashimi! I should have realized how much pressure you were under! What can onee-sama do for you?
Kanashimi: *sniff, sniff* Can you make sure no one takes Pookie away from me?
Narrator: But Saitou's such an assho…
Kanashimi: I knew you were just pretending you were a good onee-sama! *sob!* Now your imouto-chan has to fight against two people at once! And I might lose my pookie!
Narrator: Okay, okay! Calm down! I'll think of something! Onee-sama's not going to let anything happen to Pookie!
Kanashimi: *secret evil smile* Excellent…
Saitou: Help?
Disclaimer: *Cherry does her magical-smoke appearance* Heh, did you really think I would run away with all these bishies to nab? *cuddles Soujiro and Sano, who have matching black bows tied around their necks* Too bad Narrator, Kanashimi, and I don't really own them. *sigh!* I suppose I'll just have to wait for that petition to go through at Shonen Jump…
Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!
Take 7: Semantics?
Scene where Misao is trying to catch Kenshin:
Misao: You're not getting away from me! *stops short at the edge of a reeaaalllly deep gully* He jumped this?! What kind of monster is he?!
Kenshin: *on other side* This game is over. Sessha suggests that you give up this silly chase and forget about Aoshi de gozaru. The reason he left you behind in Kyoto, I believe, was that he wanted to keep you safe. It is silly to continue risking your life like this de gozaru.
Misao: *turns away*
Kenshin: *thinking* I am sorry, Misao-dono, but it is better this way…
Misao: *turns suddenly* Don't talk crap like that to me! *charges forward* I can't forget about Aoshi-sama! He's the most important person in the world to me! You just don't forget people like that, you baka! *jumps*
Kenshin: O_Ox *oh, shit!*Misao: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Kenshin: *gears up to jump down after her*
Misao: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….! *WHUMP!!* Whoopsie…
Kenshin: *knocked silly by Misao plowing into him* Oroooooo…Misao-dono, you weren't supposed to make that jump de gozaru…
Misao: Gomen, Himura! Guess it's these sandals Soujiro bought for me…
Aoshi: *offstage* Since when was that Prozac-overdosed psychotic buying you shoes?!
Misao: Ummmm…
Soujiro: It was just a gift, Aoshi-san…
Aoshi: *deathglare*
Soujiro: ^_^()
Director: Cut! As fascinating as this allusion to alternate pairing is, can you two take it outside so we can redo this thing?
Aoshi: See you out back in five, Smiley-boy.
Soujiro: You better bring it, Mr. Wakazashi-Up-His-Butt…
Kenshin vs. Senkaku:
Kenshin: *darts behind Senkaku for like the hundredth time*
Senkaku: Are you afraid to fight me like a man?! Stop running around the floor like a little cockroach-mouse!
Kenshin: "Cock-roach mouse"? Isn't that rather biologically impossible?
Senkaku: Ummm…
Misao: He's got a point…ewwwww…
Shishio: That really was a rather stupid insult. No wonder why I have Soujiro kill you later on.
Soujiro: ^_^
Senkaku: *eep!*
Saitou: When you're insulting someone in a fight, you need to be a little more intellectual than that, ahou. Stupid name-calling makes you sound like a kindergartener. Then again, you also fight like one.
Senkaku: Hey! You just shut up about my bad-mouthing or I'll…
Saitou: What? Bleed on me?
Director: Cut! How many times do I have to say it?! No more Monty Python!
Kenshin vs. Soujiro, Round One:
Shishio: *riding away with Yumi*…the battou-jutsu speed of both will be equal.
Kenshin + Soujiro: *both suddenly draw blades and attack*
Shishio: And because Soujiro has no qualms against killing, his will be the better blade.
Shot of Kenshin's shocked face as a piece of his sakabatou goes twirling away…only…Misao: I didn't know you could do that with wiffle bats.
Kenshin: *looking at the stub of the wiffle bat still in his hand* Oroo…
Soujiro: *looks at his cracked-to-crap bat* What the…
Saitou: *snort!* Wahahahahahahahaha!!
Kenshin: Soujiro, I don't suppose you would mind calling a truce for five minutes de gozaru ka?
Soujiro: *angry Smiley-Psycho-Boy* Absolutely not.
Kenshin + Soujiro: *dive at Saitou, intent on beating the crap out of him*
Kanashimi: *phasing in out of nowhere* I think not! *grabs Saitou and disappears*
Director: Cut! Okay, who's going after Saitou this time?
RK cast: *look at him blankly*
Director: *sigh*
Scene where Sano first meets Anji:
Sano: *having just lost his food to a mini-earthquake* What the hell was that?! *Pushes aside some bushes*
Anji: *sitting in the middle of a circle of mini-Jizo statues, chanting* Amidda-Buhdda no, etc., etc., etc…
Sano: A monk? Is he trying to do some sort of houriki?
Anji: Ho! *plunges blade into the ground*
Mini-Jizos: *explode, sending candy flying everywhere*
Anji: *^_^* And that is the Futai-no-Kiwama Secret technique, Piñatas-to-Powder!
Some random children (who look suspiciously like the group Anji was taking care of before they were killed) come running out and begin gathering up the candy.
Sano: WTF?!
Children: Arigatou, Anji-san!
Director: Cut! Anji, what the hell are you doing?!
Anji: Huh? Oh, I didn't know we were filming yet. Sorry. You kids go eat that candy in the break room.
Children: Hai!
Yahiko: No fair, I wanted some!
Scene where Sano meets Captain Sagara:
Sano: Is this some sort of dream or vision? Or are you a ghost? *looks closely at Sagara* Augh, no legs! Ghost, ghost!! *backpedals as fast at he can on his rear*
Sagara: Ahahahaha!! Man, Sano, you should see the look on your face! It reminds me of the time Katsu scared you with that oni mask and you wet your pants!
Sano: *blush* Sagara-taicho!
Sagara: Whoo-hoo, heh heh heh...sorry, it's just....ahahahahahahaha!!!
Yahiko: *offstage* Guess Kenshin's not the only one who didn't get potty-trained early…
Director: Cut!
RK Extras!
Narrator: I can't believe how many people wanted a list for Kamatari. Here it is folks!
Top Ten Ways to Mess With a Cross-dressing Psycho:
1. Steal the life-sized cardboard cutout of Shishio from his closet and use it for a Halloween prop.
2. Replace his Lancôme products with Pretty Princess Barbie makeup. *shudder*
3. Drop hints that Shishio loves blue hair.
4. Use his Backstreet Boys CDs for coasters.
5. Point out that Yumi is considerably more *ahem* well-endowed than he is.
6. Vote for Soujiro in the "RK Prettiest Bishonen Contest."
7. Use his scythe for a lawn ornament.
8. Play Frisbee with his special, limited-edition "Rocky Horror Picture Show" DVD.
9. Get him drunk and have him sing "1/2" for Shishio. (although that's more Shishio-torture than anything. *^.^*)
10. Blackmail him with pictures you took of him without makeup.
Narrator: Good thing Kamatari's at a hot springs resort and can't be here to threaten my life. Next victim is Sano…
Cherry: Noooooooooo!
Narrator: Ease up! I'm letting you help Kanashimi torture Kenshin, when this is all over. Sorry, Kenshin.
Kenshin: It's only fair de gozaru.
Sano: Easy for you to say!
Narrator: Anyway, this next list is just something I thought up after watching "Seisouhen" again. Dang, that movie's depressing, but I can't really do outtakes from it. It makes me feel squidgy. So I settled for the next best thing:
Things Not Said in "Seisouhen" that Really Needed Saying:
Kenshin: "Wow, I've laid Enishi's vengeance to rest, married the woman of my dreams, and begat a son. I think I'll abandon my wife to go off on some completely unnecessary quest for redemption, which will undoubtedly embitter my son against me for as long as I live.
"Not!"
Kaoru: "Of course I support and understand Kenshin's decision to leave. I'm his wife. Saitou, can I borrow a pair of handcuffs?"
Yahiko: "I love Kaoru. She took me in and practically made me her little brother. I don't know why I ever called her all those names. She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Okay Kaoru, now can I have my diary back?!"
Kaoru: Nu-uh! Once more, Yahiko-chan, with feeling!
Yahiko: *%#@$!
Sano: "Scruffy = Sexy"
Megumi: *cue the fox ears* OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Hiko: "I'm the only one in this damn movie who's not in desperate need of therapy. And then they saddle me with this brat…"
Kenji: Bite me.
Enishi: "Who's this 'Caligula' person Narrator keeps comparing me to? Oooo, oooo, Battousai! Can I be the flower girl at yours and Kaoru-san's wedding? Pretty please?!"
Saitou: "Why the hell am I even in this movie if I don't get any lines?"
Misao: "Why the %$#@ am I not in this movie!?"
Shishio: "Do you all really enjoy seeing me spontaneously combust that much?"
RK cast: Yes!
Shishio: -_-
Kenji: "I need a hug."
Narrator: *glomp!* Eee-hee! If I can't have Kenshin, I'll settle for the chibi version!
Kenji: *sweatdrop* Erk…
Salute!