Author's Note: This is my first pure HP story. It's called Dark Places.
It's a Narcissa/Severus story that will span a few chapters, but probably
not many. I'm trying for three, but it might be more.
The Particulars: It's a PG-13 because there is some violence, although not graphic violence, in the story. It's also a big angsty, so watch out. There are no real spoilers. The story is kind of taken out of time and there is no specific times mentioned in the story. The characters used (as well as the world) are not mine and belong to J.K. Rowling.
Dedications: Dedicated to Echo and her wonderful Narcissa story (Tomorrow Never Knows) that got me thinking about Narcissa enough that I had to write. I keep telling the girl she inspires me to write.I wasn't wrong. Also dedicated to Jasper, who came up with the idea of an all Narcissa all the time group!
Please email me if you want to put this or any of my stories on your website. I never say no, but I like knowing which sites are supporting my writing. Thanks!
*~*~*
It wasn't as if she'd never been hit before. This time wasn't any different. Narcissa's eyes looked lifelessly back at her reflection as she deftly touched the purpling mark on her cheek.
"That's the trouble with pale skin. It shows everything," she heard Lucius say smugly. "I guess your little 'date' will be off."
It didn't suit to tell him it wasn't a date. It was a lunch. She wanted to visit about Draco and find out how her friend had been doing. She was married. And although she hated the bastard, it didn't make her commitment any less. She turned and looked at Lucius, reflecting nothing in her eyes. She just looked at him as if all the life went out of her. He narrowed his eyes. He hated when she looked like that, and she knew it. That's why she did it.
His second slap across the same cheek caught her by surprise. She had expected the first one, when she admitted her plans for the day. She hadn't told him before because she was banking on the fact that he never cared about her plans. But he seemed to know something. This time, though, she had done nothing but look at him. She put her hand to her cheek for a moment and even though her head felt like it might roll off her neck and vacation under her bed, she dropped her hand to her side and stared at him, saying nothing. He just shook his head with a look of disgust.
"You're a dead woman, Narcissa. There is no life in you. No passion. You used to have such passion when you were under me," he smiled in self- assurance, as if it were him inspiring the passion he thought she felt.
"That wasn't passion, Lucius. That was struggling." She said it so matter- of-factly that he seemed to darken in color for a moment.but then his smile was fixated on his face again.
"Well, that's almost as good." He grabbed his heavier cloak to throw over his shoulders and his gloves. They were black and trimmed with silver; a metallic green snake curled on the back of his hand. Pretentious. She looked back up into his face and waited until he left her before she let life flow into her limbs.
She rang for her personal house elf and sat at her dressing table. Soon a little white house elf dressed in a potato sack bounded in.
"Yes, yes, Miss Narcy what can me do?" The little house elf bobbed in a bow and when she did Narcissa noticed a new scar. She grabbed the elf by her shoulder and twirled her around. The elf cried out and started whimpering.
"Me sorry Miss Narcy, me sorry. It buuuuurrrrrnnnnned." The little elf cried. Her flesh was mutilated just behind the neck. The skin seemed to want to fall off, the way a good roast looks after it's been cooking for hours.
"When did he do this?" she asked briskly. She knew the elf would know who 'he' was.
"Yestereve," the elf cried.
Narcissa let her go. "Go, Filly. Go find me some burn cream and fetch my owl."
The little elf bobbed and hurried out, afraid that she was in trouble. Narcissa sighed. She walked out of her bedroom and to her private room. She unlocked the door with her wand and closed the door behind her. It was probably quaint, but it was the only room in the whole house that Lucius never went to and where she could just be herself. There were days she didn't leave it. Today would probably be one of those days. She lit the fireplace with her wand and went to her writing table.
She took out some parchment and sighed. She would not have lunch with Severus after all. She could not deny that there was a part of her that wished to defy her husband and go, but she knew that Filly would likely pay almost as dearly as she and probably because the other house elves would turn her in. Filly was the only one she trusted now, and even then, the elf could not withhold under adequate pressure. But she didn't blame Filly. Lucius could be very persuasive when he wanted to be.
She put the quill to the parchment and wrote, with great difficulty, the letter to excuse herself from her lunch. She had been looking forward to this lunch for two weeks now. Getting away every so often was what kept her sanity. She would have no sanity today. She kept the letter short. It would not do to have Severus worry. She made up some errand that could not wait a day longer and bid him to have a good lunch without her.
Filly entered the room after a short knock, carrying a tray that was far too large for her, even with the slightly long arms. Narcissa almost stood up to help her, but did not. It wouldn't be proper and even the walls could talk in this house. She waited until the elf placed the tray on a small table, meant for just such a thing.
Narcissa almost cried. The little elf had brought tea, in her favorite tea set, pastries, and a pretty little garden flower. The bit of fresh dirt attested to the very fresh picking of this flower and she knew instantly that Filly had picked the flower to make her feel better. The burn cream was on the little tray as well. But what she didn't see was her owl. It was all the trouble that Filly went to in order to see Narcissa smile when now she would have to punish the young elf that made her nearly cry. She wished she could not punish. She wished she could smile and show kindness to the elf that had shown her so much. But she could not let anyone know what this particular elf had meant to her. No one. So to save Filly's life, Narcissa coldly backhanded the elf.
"My owl, Filly. Do not make me ask for it again."
"Oh yes, Miss Narcy, yes. Filly will not forget again," she cried as she left the room in a run. Narcissa closed her eyes and breathed deeply. When she opened them she thought she saw the wisp of brown hair dart past her door. Briq. He was more a deformity than a house elf. He received Dobby's position when that house elf had managed escape through Harry Potter. The little beast was so happy to be the most important house elf in the manor that he had taken to beating up the other little elves and bullying all he could. Narcissa oftentimes wondered if Lucius had gotten drunk and molested a house elf, other than the looks, Briq could be a Malfoy. But if Lucius had sired the elf, he'd at least be beautiful, just as Lucius was beautiful. Instead the little thing had elongated arms that hung to its sides. His face was thin but long and his lips were huge. He looked like a little ape with long hideous ears and a long nose. Undoubtedly he was spying on her, as he usually did.
When Filly entered with the owl, Narcissa ordered her to close the door behind her and the little elf did so without question. Narcissa patted her lap, absently and the elf turned her large violet eyes up to Narcissa in question.
"Sit on my lap."
The elf looked momentarily panicked and looked down at the grubby potato sack that was her clothes and then to Narcissa's fine silks. Narcissa's heart contracted. "Sit on my lap," she quietly repeated. Filly climbed up gingerly.
Narcissa took the cream from her tray and opened the container. She scooped out a large amount on her fingers and started to gently rub it into Filly's neck. Filly tried to sit still, but it did hurt her and Narcissa let it go that she was crying at the sensation. If Briq was out there listening, he'd think Filly was being punished, which suited her fine.
"It is very important that you not touch this area until it's healed."
"It itches!" the little elf squealed.
"Nevertheless, if you touch it you will make it worse." She put the cream on her desk, already making plans to put more on Filly later tonight before bed.
She gently set the elf on the floor and allowed her to pour tea.
"Filly remember your tea set," she said tentatively as she poured just the right amount of cream into the tea.
"Yes, you did," Narcissa said quietly. It was as close to a thank you as she could come. After a sip of tea, Narcissa fastened her note around the ankle of the owl and opened a window for it. It flew off and for a moment she watched it go. To be able to fly away from this home.she could not understand why the animal came back.
With a sigh, Narcissa brought a mirror to her face. She should use magic to get rid of the bruise, and she would later. Dismal though it was, it was her bruise and she wanted to keep it for a while. She wanted to let it burn on her cheek. It was enough. It would bring her to her dark place.
It was the only place that was truly hers. And she paid for it dearly. Slapping was the least of what Lucius did to her. This place took it all away. She could let it wash over her as she stared into the fire, or the wall, or wherever she wanted. She let her tea get cold beside her; her pastries cool to cold. She didn't care. She needed this. If she couldn't escape to see Severus for a few hours, she would escape this way.
Severus. She wanted to smile, but she was afraid the gesture would look whorish and out of place on her. She never smiled anymore. It drew far too much attention to herself from Lucius. But Severus was worth a small smile at least. The thought of him tugged at the sides of her lips and she was helpless to it. So she smiled. Filly, who was watching her, as usual, smiled contentedly.
He was quite a stunning man to be around. It wasn't his looks, although she found them very pleasing. Instead it was him, all of him. The essence of him. It was his scowl and his grin. It was his piercing eyes. His underlying fear and weaknesses. It was his strength. His presence. She had to literally keep herself in check when she saw him walking towards her. She wanted to run and hide, fling herself into his arms, back away, come closer, see him forever and never again all at the same time. He was dangerous to her.
He cared for her Draco. That made her happy. She was always glad when Draco went away to school, not because she didn't love to have him around, but because he was away from this place. One day she might lose Draco to Lucius, she knew. He did look up to his father so. But she was confident that Draco would not always hold Lucius in such high form. She was confident that one day he would turn away from Voldemort, just as Severus did.
Not that Severus would ever admit that to her. But she could tell. She'd known him a very long time. In school, she had spent many days observing him. She had learned him, impressed him upon her soul. She could not unlearn him. She knew precisely what drove him to Voldemort and when he had committed himself to the cause. And she knew the exact moment when he had left Voldemort's grasp. She had been there for both. Though he may fool Lucius or any number of other Death Eaters, he didn't fool her, and part of her knew he didn't try to fool her.
Severus and she were never allowed to be close in proximity for any length in time. But there was something unmistakable between the two of them. There always had been. Eleven years old had seen her already on the road to adulthood. Her parents were hard, unforgiving people. She was glad to escape them. But she was scared; damaged. It made her different from the others, although at the time she was too young to know that it also made her the same as others. She wasn't the only student with bastards for parents. But she had thought so then. When she had gotten older, she recognized her baggage for what it was. She was closed up. She was cold and dispassionate. Severus had passion like a shook up cola bottle had pressure. It had been Severus that had saved her.
She was fifteen and although they had never said a word in private to each other, she considered him her friend. She had braved all to sneak into the boys dorm and slip a note under his pillow, which he had been awake to read right away, she learned later. He seemed asleep to her as she stood there watching the breath visit and leave him. She had kissed the tips of her fingers and had brought them to hover above his lips. In the end she didn't press her fingers to his lips, for fear of waking him, but she meant the gesture all the same. She left and walked out of Slytherin Hall altogether. He found her on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, her note in his hands. It was a child's letter, filled with life regrets and wishes for more than what was given from life. He didn't chastise her for it or call her names. He didn't say anything. He just gathered her in his arms and held her to him. And she wept. She couldn't remember a time when she had wept so soundly before then, and only rarely since then. In the end, she returned to her room and to her life.
She remembered when she knew that she'd be marrying Lucius Malfoy. He was beautiful and she couldn't help but be pleased for that. But she knew his beauty extended only to his fair hair and pale skin. She supposed it amused her parents to put her with someone so pale. The two of them had such similar coloring, they might have been mistaken for siblings. A moment of wickedness made her think of what would have happened if Draco were born with black hair and dark piercing eyes. She would not be sitting here now.
Her momentary pleasure at being paired with a beautiful man ended when she realized that she would be his, forever. She would never belong to another. Not to Severus. Not to her children. Not to herself. It was devastating. She remembered the resigned look on Severus' face and the darkness that had finally overcome him. He knew. He knew she would do just as she did. He knew Lucius would be Lucius. Lucius would beat her and belittle her and Narcissa would take it. He knew she would take it because he seemed to understand one thing above all else about her. She honored her vows. If she made one, she would honor it. And her marriage meant a vow that would preclude them from ever even seeking the life that would have made them happy.
A noise to her left made Narcissa stop dreaming. She only very carefully flickered her eyes, so as not to draw attention to herself, but it was only Filly. She was tending the fire and replacing the tea with a hot batch. Narcissa looked out the window and noticed it was darkening. She had spent all day in her open-eyed slumber.
She reached down and pulled the cup to her lips, knowing the tea would be fresh. Filly had been busy keeping the room just as it was left when Narcissa's mind wandered. She had brought many pots of tea that had gone untouched, and pastries that had ruined while she was within herself.
She looked to her right and saw her well-trained owl just sitting there with the note. She frowned. She had missed his note. It was not often that she felt regret for day-dreaming. She pulled the note from the leg of the owl but it stayed. She opened the parchment and read over the words.
Narcissa, I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. But I did have a feeling I would see your little friend. I see more of your owl than you. But I do not mean to add complaints to whatever has kept you. I worry. I know you have asked that I not dwell on such things, but I cannot help but think you were a bit of a child when you gave those vows. If he doesn't keep them, why do you?
Your son is well in school. He is the spitting image of his father but is developing a coldness like his mother. I can see it in him. He lets no one close to him, emotionally. I thought you should know.
Yours,
Severus Snape
She reread the message. She read it again. He worried. It was nice. But he was wrong. She knew fully what she had done when she gave her vows and Lucius' inability to keep them was not an invitation to do the same. It wasn't easy. It was damn hard. It was days of loneliness and nights of fear. It was cold and depressing and she hated it. She hated what it did to her. She hated what it was doing to her son. She hated what it was doing to anyone she loved. But it was about keeping to principles and she would do that, at least until she no longer could. She didn't know when that would happen. She was conflicted on whether she wanted it to happen or not. It was an ambiguous time frame, but it was the best she was capable of. She cast a spell that would place this letters with the rest of her correspondence from Severus Snape. In the fire.
She stood and walked to the mantle and watched the parchment curl and blacken. The smoke traveled up the chimney and escaped. It was the best thing she could think of for his dear sentiments, escaping this house.
She heard footsteps down the hallway when the last of the paper had burned away. They stopped at her door and she waited. It wasn't long before they went away again. She wasn't surprised. Lucius never came in here. But it was an indication that he wanted her to come out, so she did.
She opened the door and ordered Filly to take the tea and pastries down to the kitchen and to be quick about it. Filly, who had spent the day tending to her, jumped to do her bidding. Narcissa walked quietly down the hall. She heard Filly run up behind her and start to pass her just as she saw Briq ahead, watching. Narcissa pushed little Filly forward and commanded her to go faster. And blessed Filly did as she was told.
Dinner was a quiet ordeal. It was usually very boring. Narcissa would sip soup or nibble beef from one side of the table, staring at Lucius, and he would quietly eat his meal, watching her. It was uncomfortable at first, but now she was used to it. But it was the only time she missed Draco. He would turn his father's attention to something else, and she would be grateful for it, even if it was unintentional.
After supper was finally over and Narcissa was excused from the table, she walked alone in her garden. Most of the flowers looked to be suffering from the damp weather, but many were still very pretty.
She put her hand to her cheek and remembered her bruise. She didn't remove it. She almost always did, before he came home. And she had forgotten. No wonder his looks were colder than usual, she thought to herself. She looked back at the manor and decided to go in. It wouldn't do to hide forever.
Narcissa walked down the near empty halls of her large estate. She didn't notice the looks of trepidation from most of the house elves at first. After a moment, she realized she as being watched, though, and she turned to see all of them casting looks her way, while trying to look discreet. Something was wrong.
On a hunch, she turned down towards her husband's office. She heard a scream that made her stop in her tracks. Another scream and her heart skipped a beat. She knew that cry. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she was surprised by the feelings a house elf had stirred in her. But when she heard the whimpering of Filly grow into a shrill plea, she knew that she couldn't let Lucius do this. She couldn't let Filly be hurt any longer.
She had thought for years about dressing Filly up and sending her off, but she selfishly kept her back. She was her only companion in the house.and maybe she had earned the right of 'friend'. Filly was her only friend in his place. She grabbed her wand. This would have to be done right the first time.
She opened the door quietly. Lucius didn't even notice. He held a sharp knife with blood dripping off of it. The smell of spilt blood almost made Narcissa drop to her knees. But she knew from the whimpering cries that she was not too late.
"Petrificus Totalus!" she cried as she pointed her wand at Lucius. When he went rigid and fell unceremoniously to his back, Narcissa put her wand away. He glared at her and his eyes promised her punishments that would have made her shiver, had she not been trying to avoid looking so weak.
Narcissa went to the table and her eyes furrowed at the criss-cross flaying of Filly's stomach. She grabbed Lucius' scarf and wrapped it tightly around the broken skin, causing Filly to whine in pain. Narcissa gently scooped up the little elf, who held onto her tightly and she left the room without a word and without looking to Lucius.
Once she was out of the room, her need to be cool and collected escaped her. She ran, trying to be careful of Filly, to where she kept her broom. She hastily grabbed it and Apparated herself, Filly, and her broom to Hogsmede and from there, she flew into Hogwarts.
She couldn't help it. Panic seemed to lead her to Severus faster than need, or want, or love. Once she got to the doors of the school she cast a spell that would guide her to Severus. Quickly she raced after the little dot, trying to keep to the shadows as much as possible. She whispered to Filly to be quiet and the dear was doing her best. Narcissa fought her feelings to stay focused. When the light disappeared behind a door in the lower parts of the school, Narcissa knew she was here.
She knocked on the door softly, not wanting to alert anyone else around that Severus had a guest. She heard him moving around behind the door, but he didn't seem to be answering it. She knocked again, louder. This time the footsteps got louder as they came closer.
He swung the door open in the fashion he would for any child. But his eyes widened when he saw Narcissa. He pulled her into his room and gave a glance before shutting the door behind him.
"Narcissa, what is going on?" He blanched when she showed him Filly's stomach. He put his hands out for the elf and when Narcissa placed Filly in his hands, he left. She took the moments alone in his room to breathe. She paced a moment but stopped at his desk. She let a smile again touch her lips when she saw the pictures on the desk. They were of her. She was younger but there they were. There were three. One of the pictures was taken not long after she had learned about Lucius. She looked so resigned and right behind her, in the distance, was Severus, who looked so sad. She touched her fingers to the moving photo.
She glanced down and saw a box with its lid tilted to the side. The box had a few pieces of parchment in there, and she recognized her letter that she wrote to him today on the top of that stack.
Narcissa picked up the note and looked at the one below it. It was the last time she canceled lunch. The one underneath that was in answer to a surprise owl from Severus wanting to know if she was doing well. There were many more of her canceling lunches and turning away dinner invitations. There was one from when he had written her to tell her about Harry Potter joining the school. There was a letter from when she had just got married. It was a good-bye of sorts, but she guessed she never really let him go. At the bottom of the stack was that first letter. When she was fifteen.
"You didn't think I'd throw them away, did you?" he asked from behind her. He wasn't directly behind her and not very close. Either he thought she scared easily, or didn't care to be near her. She suspected the former though.
"Thank you for helping me," she said softly, putting the letters back in their box. She turned to look at him. "Will you take her?"
"The house elf, Narcissa?" he looked a little confused.
She nodded to confirm her meaning. "She has served me faithfully and look what it has given her," she said, her voice gaining a little heat to them. "I want her safe."
Severus watched her and she continued to stare back at him. He had noticed the black eye right away, but now he was studying it. "Why this house elf?"
Narcissa's eyes clouded over. She turned away from Severus and he sighed. He walked over to her and put his hands on her arms, gripping them softly. "Why this elf?"
Narcissa bowed her head. "There are exactly three things I love in this world, Severus. She is one of them."
"Draco is another," he said, implying the question on the third.
She turned around in his arms and looked up at him with her piercing blue eyes.
He smiled a little and rubbed his thumb on her cheek. "Then it should make you feel quite terrible that I have only one thing I love in this world."
She closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel his caress. "No. It only makes me feel lucky."
"Stay."
It was like cold water. She backed away from him and Severus knew he had pushed too soon. It was too late now.
"Please, Narcissa, stay," his voice held a bit of frustration.
"I can't." She looked him straight in the eye and she was wearing that same look that she had on in the picture behind her. Resignation.
Severus tried to be calm. "You can."
"I have to go back, Severus."
"But why?" he yelled, making her straighten her back and face him like he was sure she did Lucius. It only made him feel like half a bastard, but he was upset.
"He is my husband, Severus."
"And that's what you want? A husband who beats you?" He stalked over to Narcissa and grabbed her arm, still sane enough to be careful about it. He pulled her in front of a mirror. "Look at that," he said sternly. "Look at the symbol of your husband's love." He watched as she looked at the wound closely. "Now," he said softly, putting his arms around her and pressing up against her body so that she nearly purred. "Look at us."
It was darkness and light, the thunder and the lightening, and the ice and the fire. They fit. They did. They fit more totally than Narcissa ever thought she would fit with anyone. It only saddened her that it was irrelevant.
"I gave Filly the scarf. Remind her when you see her again. She is free. But.I hope you will offer her a place to stay until she finds a job."
Narcissa broke away from Severus and walked towards the door. Before she made it, Severus grabbed her and flipped her around and planted a kiss on her mouth that set her whole body to flame in no time. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. When he was done, he backed away from her, and she found that she could leave, but for once she realistically thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she waited until morning. But she knew it was no use. Lucius was going to punish her anyway, and it might as well be on her terms, not his.
Her eyes burned into his and she wanted to tell him how much she loved him and how it hurt her to go, but the words wouldn't come. In the end she dropped her eyes, turned, and left.
She made a hasty retreat home, almost as quickly as she had fled to Severus. Visiting Severus was like visiting parts unknown. There was a certain comfort in knowing what to expect, and with Lucius she did.
It wasn't long before she Apparated into her home that she heard the scurrying of Briq. But she didn't bother giving the little troll the satisfaction of telling on her.
"Lucius!" she said loudly. She walked towards his office. He would likely be there. Sure enough, not long after she yelled, she heard heavy footsteps ominously hurrying towards her location. She turned a corner and she could see Lucius coming for her. He wasn't running, but he was quick and she just stood there and waited for him. She could see, well before he got to her, the fire that blazed in his eyes. This was not going to be one of her better nights.but she would have plenty of fuel to get her to her dark place.
The Particulars: It's a PG-13 because there is some violence, although not graphic violence, in the story. It's also a big angsty, so watch out. There are no real spoilers. The story is kind of taken out of time and there is no specific times mentioned in the story. The characters used (as well as the world) are not mine and belong to J.K. Rowling.
Dedications: Dedicated to Echo and her wonderful Narcissa story (Tomorrow Never Knows) that got me thinking about Narcissa enough that I had to write. I keep telling the girl she inspires me to write.I wasn't wrong. Also dedicated to Jasper, who came up with the idea of an all Narcissa all the time group!
Please email me if you want to put this or any of my stories on your website. I never say no, but I like knowing which sites are supporting my writing. Thanks!
*~*~*
It wasn't as if she'd never been hit before. This time wasn't any different. Narcissa's eyes looked lifelessly back at her reflection as she deftly touched the purpling mark on her cheek.
"That's the trouble with pale skin. It shows everything," she heard Lucius say smugly. "I guess your little 'date' will be off."
It didn't suit to tell him it wasn't a date. It was a lunch. She wanted to visit about Draco and find out how her friend had been doing. She was married. And although she hated the bastard, it didn't make her commitment any less. She turned and looked at Lucius, reflecting nothing in her eyes. She just looked at him as if all the life went out of her. He narrowed his eyes. He hated when she looked like that, and she knew it. That's why she did it.
His second slap across the same cheek caught her by surprise. She had expected the first one, when she admitted her plans for the day. She hadn't told him before because she was banking on the fact that he never cared about her plans. But he seemed to know something. This time, though, she had done nothing but look at him. She put her hand to her cheek for a moment and even though her head felt like it might roll off her neck and vacation under her bed, she dropped her hand to her side and stared at him, saying nothing. He just shook his head with a look of disgust.
"You're a dead woman, Narcissa. There is no life in you. No passion. You used to have such passion when you were under me," he smiled in self- assurance, as if it were him inspiring the passion he thought she felt.
"That wasn't passion, Lucius. That was struggling." She said it so matter- of-factly that he seemed to darken in color for a moment.but then his smile was fixated on his face again.
"Well, that's almost as good." He grabbed his heavier cloak to throw over his shoulders and his gloves. They were black and trimmed with silver; a metallic green snake curled on the back of his hand. Pretentious. She looked back up into his face and waited until he left her before she let life flow into her limbs.
She rang for her personal house elf and sat at her dressing table. Soon a little white house elf dressed in a potato sack bounded in.
"Yes, yes, Miss Narcy what can me do?" The little house elf bobbed in a bow and when she did Narcissa noticed a new scar. She grabbed the elf by her shoulder and twirled her around. The elf cried out and started whimpering.
"Me sorry Miss Narcy, me sorry. It buuuuurrrrrnnnnned." The little elf cried. Her flesh was mutilated just behind the neck. The skin seemed to want to fall off, the way a good roast looks after it's been cooking for hours.
"When did he do this?" she asked briskly. She knew the elf would know who 'he' was.
"Yestereve," the elf cried.
Narcissa let her go. "Go, Filly. Go find me some burn cream and fetch my owl."
The little elf bobbed and hurried out, afraid that she was in trouble. Narcissa sighed. She walked out of her bedroom and to her private room. She unlocked the door with her wand and closed the door behind her. It was probably quaint, but it was the only room in the whole house that Lucius never went to and where she could just be herself. There were days she didn't leave it. Today would probably be one of those days. She lit the fireplace with her wand and went to her writing table.
She took out some parchment and sighed. She would not have lunch with Severus after all. She could not deny that there was a part of her that wished to defy her husband and go, but she knew that Filly would likely pay almost as dearly as she and probably because the other house elves would turn her in. Filly was the only one she trusted now, and even then, the elf could not withhold under adequate pressure. But she didn't blame Filly. Lucius could be very persuasive when he wanted to be.
She put the quill to the parchment and wrote, with great difficulty, the letter to excuse herself from her lunch. She had been looking forward to this lunch for two weeks now. Getting away every so often was what kept her sanity. She would have no sanity today. She kept the letter short. It would not do to have Severus worry. She made up some errand that could not wait a day longer and bid him to have a good lunch without her.
Filly entered the room after a short knock, carrying a tray that was far too large for her, even with the slightly long arms. Narcissa almost stood up to help her, but did not. It wouldn't be proper and even the walls could talk in this house. She waited until the elf placed the tray on a small table, meant for just such a thing.
Narcissa almost cried. The little elf had brought tea, in her favorite tea set, pastries, and a pretty little garden flower. The bit of fresh dirt attested to the very fresh picking of this flower and she knew instantly that Filly had picked the flower to make her feel better. The burn cream was on the little tray as well. But what she didn't see was her owl. It was all the trouble that Filly went to in order to see Narcissa smile when now she would have to punish the young elf that made her nearly cry. She wished she could not punish. She wished she could smile and show kindness to the elf that had shown her so much. But she could not let anyone know what this particular elf had meant to her. No one. So to save Filly's life, Narcissa coldly backhanded the elf.
"My owl, Filly. Do not make me ask for it again."
"Oh yes, Miss Narcy, yes. Filly will not forget again," she cried as she left the room in a run. Narcissa closed her eyes and breathed deeply. When she opened them she thought she saw the wisp of brown hair dart past her door. Briq. He was more a deformity than a house elf. He received Dobby's position when that house elf had managed escape through Harry Potter. The little beast was so happy to be the most important house elf in the manor that he had taken to beating up the other little elves and bullying all he could. Narcissa oftentimes wondered if Lucius had gotten drunk and molested a house elf, other than the looks, Briq could be a Malfoy. But if Lucius had sired the elf, he'd at least be beautiful, just as Lucius was beautiful. Instead the little thing had elongated arms that hung to its sides. His face was thin but long and his lips were huge. He looked like a little ape with long hideous ears and a long nose. Undoubtedly he was spying on her, as he usually did.
When Filly entered with the owl, Narcissa ordered her to close the door behind her and the little elf did so without question. Narcissa patted her lap, absently and the elf turned her large violet eyes up to Narcissa in question.
"Sit on my lap."
The elf looked momentarily panicked and looked down at the grubby potato sack that was her clothes and then to Narcissa's fine silks. Narcissa's heart contracted. "Sit on my lap," she quietly repeated. Filly climbed up gingerly.
Narcissa took the cream from her tray and opened the container. She scooped out a large amount on her fingers and started to gently rub it into Filly's neck. Filly tried to sit still, but it did hurt her and Narcissa let it go that she was crying at the sensation. If Briq was out there listening, he'd think Filly was being punished, which suited her fine.
"It is very important that you not touch this area until it's healed."
"It itches!" the little elf squealed.
"Nevertheless, if you touch it you will make it worse." She put the cream on her desk, already making plans to put more on Filly later tonight before bed.
She gently set the elf on the floor and allowed her to pour tea.
"Filly remember your tea set," she said tentatively as she poured just the right amount of cream into the tea.
"Yes, you did," Narcissa said quietly. It was as close to a thank you as she could come. After a sip of tea, Narcissa fastened her note around the ankle of the owl and opened a window for it. It flew off and for a moment she watched it go. To be able to fly away from this home.she could not understand why the animal came back.
With a sigh, Narcissa brought a mirror to her face. She should use magic to get rid of the bruise, and she would later. Dismal though it was, it was her bruise and she wanted to keep it for a while. She wanted to let it burn on her cheek. It was enough. It would bring her to her dark place.
It was the only place that was truly hers. And she paid for it dearly. Slapping was the least of what Lucius did to her. This place took it all away. She could let it wash over her as she stared into the fire, or the wall, or wherever she wanted. She let her tea get cold beside her; her pastries cool to cold. She didn't care. She needed this. If she couldn't escape to see Severus for a few hours, she would escape this way.
Severus. She wanted to smile, but she was afraid the gesture would look whorish and out of place on her. She never smiled anymore. It drew far too much attention to herself from Lucius. But Severus was worth a small smile at least. The thought of him tugged at the sides of her lips and she was helpless to it. So she smiled. Filly, who was watching her, as usual, smiled contentedly.
He was quite a stunning man to be around. It wasn't his looks, although she found them very pleasing. Instead it was him, all of him. The essence of him. It was his scowl and his grin. It was his piercing eyes. His underlying fear and weaknesses. It was his strength. His presence. She had to literally keep herself in check when she saw him walking towards her. She wanted to run and hide, fling herself into his arms, back away, come closer, see him forever and never again all at the same time. He was dangerous to her.
He cared for her Draco. That made her happy. She was always glad when Draco went away to school, not because she didn't love to have him around, but because he was away from this place. One day she might lose Draco to Lucius, she knew. He did look up to his father so. But she was confident that Draco would not always hold Lucius in such high form. She was confident that one day he would turn away from Voldemort, just as Severus did.
Not that Severus would ever admit that to her. But she could tell. She'd known him a very long time. In school, she had spent many days observing him. She had learned him, impressed him upon her soul. She could not unlearn him. She knew precisely what drove him to Voldemort and when he had committed himself to the cause. And she knew the exact moment when he had left Voldemort's grasp. She had been there for both. Though he may fool Lucius or any number of other Death Eaters, he didn't fool her, and part of her knew he didn't try to fool her.
Severus and she were never allowed to be close in proximity for any length in time. But there was something unmistakable between the two of them. There always had been. Eleven years old had seen her already on the road to adulthood. Her parents were hard, unforgiving people. She was glad to escape them. But she was scared; damaged. It made her different from the others, although at the time she was too young to know that it also made her the same as others. She wasn't the only student with bastards for parents. But she had thought so then. When she had gotten older, she recognized her baggage for what it was. She was closed up. She was cold and dispassionate. Severus had passion like a shook up cola bottle had pressure. It had been Severus that had saved her.
She was fifteen and although they had never said a word in private to each other, she considered him her friend. She had braved all to sneak into the boys dorm and slip a note under his pillow, which he had been awake to read right away, she learned later. He seemed asleep to her as she stood there watching the breath visit and leave him. She had kissed the tips of her fingers and had brought them to hover above his lips. In the end she didn't press her fingers to his lips, for fear of waking him, but she meant the gesture all the same. She left and walked out of Slytherin Hall altogether. He found her on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, her note in his hands. It was a child's letter, filled with life regrets and wishes for more than what was given from life. He didn't chastise her for it or call her names. He didn't say anything. He just gathered her in his arms and held her to him. And she wept. She couldn't remember a time when she had wept so soundly before then, and only rarely since then. In the end, she returned to her room and to her life.
She remembered when she knew that she'd be marrying Lucius Malfoy. He was beautiful and she couldn't help but be pleased for that. But she knew his beauty extended only to his fair hair and pale skin. She supposed it amused her parents to put her with someone so pale. The two of them had such similar coloring, they might have been mistaken for siblings. A moment of wickedness made her think of what would have happened if Draco were born with black hair and dark piercing eyes. She would not be sitting here now.
Her momentary pleasure at being paired with a beautiful man ended when she realized that she would be his, forever. She would never belong to another. Not to Severus. Not to her children. Not to herself. It was devastating. She remembered the resigned look on Severus' face and the darkness that had finally overcome him. He knew. He knew she would do just as she did. He knew Lucius would be Lucius. Lucius would beat her and belittle her and Narcissa would take it. He knew she would take it because he seemed to understand one thing above all else about her. She honored her vows. If she made one, she would honor it. And her marriage meant a vow that would preclude them from ever even seeking the life that would have made them happy.
A noise to her left made Narcissa stop dreaming. She only very carefully flickered her eyes, so as not to draw attention to herself, but it was only Filly. She was tending the fire and replacing the tea with a hot batch. Narcissa looked out the window and noticed it was darkening. She had spent all day in her open-eyed slumber.
She reached down and pulled the cup to her lips, knowing the tea would be fresh. Filly had been busy keeping the room just as it was left when Narcissa's mind wandered. She had brought many pots of tea that had gone untouched, and pastries that had ruined while she was within herself.
She looked to her right and saw her well-trained owl just sitting there with the note. She frowned. She had missed his note. It was not often that she felt regret for day-dreaming. She pulled the note from the leg of the owl but it stayed. She opened the parchment and read over the words.
Narcissa, I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. But I did have a feeling I would see your little friend. I see more of your owl than you. But I do not mean to add complaints to whatever has kept you. I worry. I know you have asked that I not dwell on such things, but I cannot help but think you were a bit of a child when you gave those vows. If he doesn't keep them, why do you?
Your son is well in school. He is the spitting image of his father but is developing a coldness like his mother. I can see it in him. He lets no one close to him, emotionally. I thought you should know.
Yours,
Severus Snape
She reread the message. She read it again. He worried. It was nice. But he was wrong. She knew fully what she had done when she gave her vows and Lucius' inability to keep them was not an invitation to do the same. It wasn't easy. It was damn hard. It was days of loneliness and nights of fear. It was cold and depressing and she hated it. She hated what it did to her. She hated what it was doing to her son. She hated what it was doing to anyone she loved. But it was about keeping to principles and she would do that, at least until she no longer could. She didn't know when that would happen. She was conflicted on whether she wanted it to happen or not. It was an ambiguous time frame, but it was the best she was capable of. She cast a spell that would place this letters with the rest of her correspondence from Severus Snape. In the fire.
She stood and walked to the mantle and watched the parchment curl and blacken. The smoke traveled up the chimney and escaped. It was the best thing she could think of for his dear sentiments, escaping this house.
She heard footsteps down the hallway when the last of the paper had burned away. They stopped at her door and she waited. It wasn't long before they went away again. She wasn't surprised. Lucius never came in here. But it was an indication that he wanted her to come out, so she did.
She opened the door and ordered Filly to take the tea and pastries down to the kitchen and to be quick about it. Filly, who had spent the day tending to her, jumped to do her bidding. Narcissa walked quietly down the hall. She heard Filly run up behind her and start to pass her just as she saw Briq ahead, watching. Narcissa pushed little Filly forward and commanded her to go faster. And blessed Filly did as she was told.
Dinner was a quiet ordeal. It was usually very boring. Narcissa would sip soup or nibble beef from one side of the table, staring at Lucius, and he would quietly eat his meal, watching her. It was uncomfortable at first, but now she was used to it. But it was the only time she missed Draco. He would turn his father's attention to something else, and she would be grateful for it, even if it was unintentional.
After supper was finally over and Narcissa was excused from the table, she walked alone in her garden. Most of the flowers looked to be suffering from the damp weather, but many were still very pretty.
She put her hand to her cheek and remembered her bruise. She didn't remove it. She almost always did, before he came home. And she had forgotten. No wonder his looks were colder than usual, she thought to herself. She looked back at the manor and decided to go in. It wouldn't do to hide forever.
Narcissa walked down the near empty halls of her large estate. She didn't notice the looks of trepidation from most of the house elves at first. After a moment, she realized she as being watched, though, and she turned to see all of them casting looks her way, while trying to look discreet. Something was wrong.
On a hunch, she turned down towards her husband's office. She heard a scream that made her stop in her tracks. Another scream and her heart skipped a beat. She knew that cry. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she was surprised by the feelings a house elf had stirred in her. But when she heard the whimpering of Filly grow into a shrill plea, she knew that she couldn't let Lucius do this. She couldn't let Filly be hurt any longer.
She had thought for years about dressing Filly up and sending her off, but she selfishly kept her back. She was her only companion in the house.and maybe she had earned the right of 'friend'. Filly was her only friend in his place. She grabbed her wand. This would have to be done right the first time.
She opened the door quietly. Lucius didn't even notice. He held a sharp knife with blood dripping off of it. The smell of spilt blood almost made Narcissa drop to her knees. But she knew from the whimpering cries that she was not too late.
"Petrificus Totalus!" she cried as she pointed her wand at Lucius. When he went rigid and fell unceremoniously to his back, Narcissa put her wand away. He glared at her and his eyes promised her punishments that would have made her shiver, had she not been trying to avoid looking so weak.
Narcissa went to the table and her eyes furrowed at the criss-cross flaying of Filly's stomach. She grabbed Lucius' scarf and wrapped it tightly around the broken skin, causing Filly to whine in pain. Narcissa gently scooped up the little elf, who held onto her tightly and she left the room without a word and without looking to Lucius.
Once she was out of the room, her need to be cool and collected escaped her. She ran, trying to be careful of Filly, to where she kept her broom. She hastily grabbed it and Apparated herself, Filly, and her broom to Hogsmede and from there, she flew into Hogwarts.
She couldn't help it. Panic seemed to lead her to Severus faster than need, or want, or love. Once she got to the doors of the school she cast a spell that would guide her to Severus. Quickly she raced after the little dot, trying to keep to the shadows as much as possible. She whispered to Filly to be quiet and the dear was doing her best. Narcissa fought her feelings to stay focused. When the light disappeared behind a door in the lower parts of the school, Narcissa knew she was here.
She knocked on the door softly, not wanting to alert anyone else around that Severus had a guest. She heard him moving around behind the door, but he didn't seem to be answering it. She knocked again, louder. This time the footsteps got louder as they came closer.
He swung the door open in the fashion he would for any child. But his eyes widened when he saw Narcissa. He pulled her into his room and gave a glance before shutting the door behind him.
"Narcissa, what is going on?" He blanched when she showed him Filly's stomach. He put his hands out for the elf and when Narcissa placed Filly in his hands, he left. She took the moments alone in his room to breathe. She paced a moment but stopped at his desk. She let a smile again touch her lips when she saw the pictures on the desk. They were of her. She was younger but there they were. There were three. One of the pictures was taken not long after she had learned about Lucius. She looked so resigned and right behind her, in the distance, was Severus, who looked so sad. She touched her fingers to the moving photo.
She glanced down and saw a box with its lid tilted to the side. The box had a few pieces of parchment in there, and she recognized her letter that she wrote to him today on the top of that stack.
Narcissa picked up the note and looked at the one below it. It was the last time she canceled lunch. The one underneath that was in answer to a surprise owl from Severus wanting to know if she was doing well. There were many more of her canceling lunches and turning away dinner invitations. There was one from when he had written her to tell her about Harry Potter joining the school. There was a letter from when she had just got married. It was a good-bye of sorts, but she guessed she never really let him go. At the bottom of the stack was that first letter. When she was fifteen.
"You didn't think I'd throw them away, did you?" he asked from behind her. He wasn't directly behind her and not very close. Either he thought she scared easily, or didn't care to be near her. She suspected the former though.
"Thank you for helping me," she said softly, putting the letters back in their box. She turned to look at him. "Will you take her?"
"The house elf, Narcissa?" he looked a little confused.
She nodded to confirm her meaning. "She has served me faithfully and look what it has given her," she said, her voice gaining a little heat to them. "I want her safe."
Severus watched her and she continued to stare back at him. He had noticed the black eye right away, but now he was studying it. "Why this house elf?"
Narcissa's eyes clouded over. She turned away from Severus and he sighed. He walked over to her and put his hands on her arms, gripping them softly. "Why this elf?"
Narcissa bowed her head. "There are exactly three things I love in this world, Severus. She is one of them."
"Draco is another," he said, implying the question on the third.
She turned around in his arms and looked up at him with her piercing blue eyes.
He smiled a little and rubbed his thumb on her cheek. "Then it should make you feel quite terrible that I have only one thing I love in this world."
She closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel his caress. "No. It only makes me feel lucky."
"Stay."
It was like cold water. She backed away from him and Severus knew he had pushed too soon. It was too late now.
"Please, Narcissa, stay," his voice held a bit of frustration.
"I can't." She looked him straight in the eye and she was wearing that same look that she had on in the picture behind her. Resignation.
Severus tried to be calm. "You can."
"I have to go back, Severus."
"But why?" he yelled, making her straighten her back and face him like he was sure she did Lucius. It only made him feel like half a bastard, but he was upset.
"He is my husband, Severus."
"And that's what you want? A husband who beats you?" He stalked over to Narcissa and grabbed her arm, still sane enough to be careful about it. He pulled her in front of a mirror. "Look at that," he said sternly. "Look at the symbol of your husband's love." He watched as she looked at the wound closely. "Now," he said softly, putting his arms around her and pressing up against her body so that she nearly purred. "Look at us."
It was darkness and light, the thunder and the lightening, and the ice and the fire. They fit. They did. They fit more totally than Narcissa ever thought she would fit with anyone. It only saddened her that it was irrelevant.
"I gave Filly the scarf. Remind her when you see her again. She is free. But.I hope you will offer her a place to stay until she finds a job."
Narcissa broke away from Severus and walked towards the door. Before she made it, Severus grabbed her and flipped her around and planted a kiss on her mouth that set her whole body to flame in no time. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. When he was done, he backed away from her, and she found that she could leave, but for once she realistically thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she waited until morning. But she knew it was no use. Lucius was going to punish her anyway, and it might as well be on her terms, not his.
Her eyes burned into his and she wanted to tell him how much she loved him and how it hurt her to go, but the words wouldn't come. In the end she dropped her eyes, turned, and left.
She made a hasty retreat home, almost as quickly as she had fled to Severus. Visiting Severus was like visiting parts unknown. There was a certain comfort in knowing what to expect, and with Lucius she did.
It wasn't long before she Apparated into her home that she heard the scurrying of Briq. But she didn't bother giving the little troll the satisfaction of telling on her.
"Lucius!" she said loudly. She walked towards his office. He would likely be there. Sure enough, not long after she yelled, she heard heavy footsteps ominously hurrying towards her location. She turned a corner and she could see Lucius coming for her. He wasn't running, but he was quick and she just stood there and waited for him. She could see, well before he got to her, the fire that blazed in his eyes. This was not going to be one of her better nights.but she would have plenty of fuel to get her to her dark place.