RACE WARS
PART 1O
THE LAST FLAGS
[Toad's house, seven a.m. and the birds are chirping outside. In bed, Toad is awake in his bed laying down, while Fuchsia sleeps on top of him with a smile on her face and purring like a kitten. {I guess this is picking up from last night episode.}]
Toad: I just don't get you, Fuchsia. Why is it that I only get some when: A) You're in one of your heat spells, B) You're scared to death, or C) When we've been apart for a good minute? Oh well, I guess that's what I get. To think that I only screwed you once... and that was when we took that hike up that mountain. Luigi really bugged out when I actually wore shorts like that, instead of the normal pants I wear? {Pants?} And that was the second time we did it, all the other times you did me. When you were tired of "indulging" yourself, when you got locked up in prison for a month under false pretenses and just last night. Oh well, I'm not mad at you, but I need to screw you more... if you would let me. At least you're still apart of my world...
At breakfast, Toad and Fuchsia sat at the table to eat.
Fuchsia: It is nice to know that the last bit of races won't start until tonight.
Toad: That's great.
Fuchsia: .....So, what do you want to do today?
Toad: I didn't have anything planned today. I guess I'm going to clean up around the house.
Fuchsia: No, no, no, you're taking me out today.
Toad: Maybe tomorrow, but not today.
Fuchsia: Did I do something wrong?
Toad: Of course not, it's just me.
Fuchsia: Why don't you want to take me out today, we have the whole day to ourselves?
Toad: I just want to be around the house, Fuchsia. I'll be in the shower if you need me.
Fuchsia: Now you're just acting strange. What is it that I did wrong?
Toad: You didn't do anything wrong Fuchsia, it's just me.
Fuchsia: This is about our sex life again, isn't it?
Toad: I'm going to take my shower now.
Fuchsia: (sigh) He's only like this when it's about our sex life. Maybe Peach is right, oh well.
DKR
Diddy: We have to get in gear you guys, if Mario and his friends get any one of the final three flags, that's it. We can still win this thing you guys.
Tip Tup: I don't mean to sound negative, but there's no way we can win three in a row against them.
Diddy: Why don't you trust yourself, or your friends?
Tip Tup: Hey, chill out man. I trust all of us, but let's remember that Mario's friends are the ones who race against us now. their three are the ones that we race.
Diddy: Look, we can't afford to do anything else except for winning, so that's what we have to do.
Conker: But Diddy-
Diddy: That's what we have to do!
Pipsy: I like this course. Ooh, this one looks nice too. I don't like this one though...
Diddy: Pipsy, are you paying attention?
Pipsy: Sure I am. Now I've written down all of the courses that we have gone on and the one's that are left. The three courses are Moo Moo Farm, Crescent Island and Toad's Turnpike. I can take the first two, but the last one I just don't like.
Timber: What's not to like?
Pipsy: Running into cars, running into trucks, running into buses, getting run over by cars, getting run over by trucks, getting run over by buses, dodging cars, dodging trucks, dodging buses and still trying to win a flag to stay alive in the race.
Krunch: Where do you get cars and trucks from?
DK: I'll answer that question. Toad's Turnpike is like a freeway, you will have to go around vehicles and race at the same time.
Pipsy: That's too hard.
Diddy: I agree Pipsy, it is hard. But not everything in life is easy, so we have no choice but to deal with it.
Krunch: This sucks, I wanted to do something nice for a change.
Diddy: Nice isn't the key here, Krunch. Anyway, Toad's Turnpike may be hard, but we don't have any choice to pass it. Listen carefully, Krunch, Pipsy, Timber, you three are the rivals to Mario's other three chosen four. None of you need to practice on Crescent Island, so concentrate on the courses in the kingdom that are left. Practice now so you will be ready by tonight.
Timber: Why do all of us have to race these two courses?
Diddy: Because any one of you will have to do it anyway.
Krunch: That makes sense. Well, grab your karts and let's get going. the sooner we get there, the more time we'll have to practice.
MKR
Toad: I can't believe I'm going through with this.
Fuchsia: Stop complaining, I don't want to hear it.
Fuchsia wasn't so easily defeated, so instead of Toad taking her out... well, she took him out.
Toad: Where are we going anyway?
Fuchsia: I want you to meet my mom.
Toad: That's not a problem, it's your dad that'll be hard.
Fuchsia: So you want to stop off at the cemetery too?
Toad: No, no, no, that won't be needed. Good, it's clear sailing from now on.
Fuchsia: I think you don't like my dad.
Toad: That's not it, it's just that the dead should be at peace.
Fuchsia: I understand Toad, we don't have to go to the cemetery. Chicken shit.
Meanwhile...
Luigi: That was the best side of you in bed for a good while. {Oops!}
Peach: So I haven't been good the last couple of times?
Luigi: You misunderstood me. You're always good, but last night reminded me of the first time I split you open. {He said, split.}
Peach: Don't be funny Luigi, just be straight. Was it good or not?
Luigi: It was fine.
Peach: So it's fine now?
Luigi: I don't want to hear this crap, roll over on your belly. I might as well do you again.
Peach: With the same condom? You better put on two more.
Luigi: Good, I can leave this one on.
Peach: (groan) I'm gonna be sick. {Me too! Welcome to the club!} Take that one off, throw it away and put the two new ones on.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
(Luigi walks into the bathroom and Peach rolls over on her side and watched Luigi walk inside)
Peach: And don't wash that one out with hot water and slip it back on. that doesn't work.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
Peach: And don't put the used condom on after you put the new ones on.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
Peach: And don't put the used condom between the new ones.
Luigi: Yes, Peach. {That's nasty!}
Peach: (sigh) I better go in there and see.
[Peach gets out of bed and follows Luigi. She's nude, but the princess's backside is being shown. {Nice ass.}]
[scene shift to Toad and Fuchsia]
Toad: Are we there yet?
Fuchsia: Don't be a Simpson.
Toad: I'm bored, can we take a break?
Fuchsia: No, wait a little later.
Toad: Fine, I'll go peacefully. Man, I can't believe how whipped I am. I bet Mario and Luigi aren't being whipped around like this.
Luigi: Where did you learn to tie me up like a chicken?
Peach: You want to whine huh? Here, you can taste the whip. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW!
Peach: You liked that, huh? Well have another one. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW! This hurts!
Peach: You gonna' put your condoms on right from now on, aren't you?
Luigi: Yes.
Peach: Sex is gonna' be good from now on, isn't it?
Luigi: I hope so.
Peach: Wrong answer. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW! This ain't funny anymore.
Peach: Of course not, it's just fun. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW!
DKR
(Diddy sits at his study, wondering) Diddy seemed a bit puzzled about his team's present predicament. He knew that winning is the only thing that can save them from losing the Race Wars. That was the only thing his team we could do, being in a tie was no exception.
Diddy: Three straight wins, that's what we need. Three straight wins. (sigh) It's not going to be easy getting three straight victories... it's impossible, really. This may not be ordinary, but there's no choice left but to do so. (Diddy began to pray) I hope this works.
(there's rapping at Diddy's door)
Timber: Diddy, are you in there?
Diddy: Yeah, come on in. (Timber walks in and takes a seat) So what's up?
Timber: Just thinking about our predicament, that's all. Why are you on your knees?
Diddy: I was about to pray.
Timber: Prayer... you don't mind if I join you, right?
Diddy: I'm not forcing you.
(Timber shrugged and join Diddy in prayer)
MKR
Fuchsia: Here we are, Toad.
Toad: Thank you, God...
It took a while, but they finally made it to Fuchsia's mom's house. [Fuchsia knocks on the door and her mom opens the door.]
Fuchsia: Hi, Mom.
Dell: Ooh, you came to visit me again. Give me a hug, honey.
Fuchsia: (hugs her mom) I brought someone for you to meet today.
Dell: I can see that. So this is my future son-in-law?
Toad: Son-in-law? Uhh, we didn't get that far yet.
Dell: Come on in you two.
*
Dell: So Toad, how is your sex life going?
Fuchsia: Mother?
Toad: Now, now ladies. We're all grown-ups here, so let's not get there.
Dell: But my question....
Toad: It's fine, really.
Fuchsia: Well, we'll be here for a few hours, so let's get to the room.
Dell: Now hon, don't shoo your hubby away from his mother-in-law.
Toad: I wish she'd stop saying that. Listen, um, why do you keep calling me your son-in-law?
Dell: So you don't want to make a longlife nuppie with my daughter? This is just being a--What are those guys called? That's it. You're just another one of those playas, ain'tcha'?
Toad: Excuse me for a minute "Mommy Dearest." FUCHSIA!!!!!
[Toad went into the room to talk to Fuchsia.]
Toad: What is with your mother?
Fuchsia: We're Love Mushrooms, Toad. My mom is really emotional when it comes to relations.
Toad: Well, I know where you get it from now.
Fuchsia: Toad, That's not funny.
Dell: Hey you two, what's going on in there?
Fuchsia & Toad: Nothing.
Dell: Ooh, you two are having nookie in there. I want pictures.
Fuchsia: No pictures!
Dell: Then let me get the camcorder.
Toad: Camcorder?
Dell: Of course, I want this on tape.
(Toad blacks out)
Fuchsia: Toad... Toad... Ah man, you made him pass out Mom. Thanks a lot.
Dell: Does that mean I can't get this on tape?
Meanwhile, Mario and the rest of the gang were planning the rest of the races.
Mario: Okay folks, let's close up shop and get this thing over with. All we need is one flag to win this Race Wars, just one.
Bowser: I love this. the meat was tasty and I'm picking' m'teeth with da' pick. One last run and this is ours.
Mario: Okay people, there are only three people left to race and that's Peach, Bowser and Luigi. One of you have to nab the last flag for us. If you do, it's all over.
Peach: One last ride to win this contest once and for all. It's time for them to see how a race is truly done.
KT: Hey Luigi, you look a little beat.
Luigi: You can say that. I'm still a little sore.
Baby Mario: You look like you got whipped good.
Luigi: Yeah, that's what happened.
Thunder: Yeah, a leather whip looked like it hit your ass a couple of times.
Peach: No, it was made out of pigskin. (covers her mouth) Wait, I didn't say that.
Daisy: What!? Why are you beating Luigi with my whip?
Mario: What do you mean, your whip.
Daisy: I didn't say that.
Baby Mario: That's not what I heard.
Princesses: Be quiet, Baby.
Thunder: The fetishes these princesses have are painful.
Bowser: You should've met my wife, she really wanted to kick someone's ass. And she wasn't nasty at all, which really scared me.
Thunder: Really?
Baby Mario: Why don't you have any pictures of your wife?
Bowser: I got rid of them when she passed away. Sometimes people have to move on with life, even if someone leaves their life whom they love.
Baby Mario: Koopa, you're scaring me.
KT: You two, huh?
Mario: Look, we'll talk about the whip later. Anyway, back to winning this thing.
Bowser: You humans are so masochistic nowadays, it makes me sick. Let's face it, Diddy and his clowns are going to try and pull a victory on all of us by winning three straight.
Baby Mario: That means it's your job to stop them.
Bowser: Nothing is gonna' beat me now. I'm all pumped with vigor, it's scary.
Peach: Yeah, whatever.
Bowser: You guys get all of the credit sometimes, a guy like me never gets to have any fun. (\_/) Bad guys need to have fun like you guys do, too.
KT: Time-out. Look you guys, this is getting out of hand, everything. Come on now, I mean, fun for the bad, whipping of the brothers by the princesses, scaring the hell out of me and the babe here, what is wrong with you people?
Luigi: KT has a point. Let's discuss our issues later and get back to victory. Now, here's how it's going to work...
*
DKR
The Diddy Kong Racers had one last meal before the sun finally went down.
Diddy: Listen, tonight may be the final night of the Race Wars for both reasons... win, or lose. We have three shots left in us and we need to hit bull's-eyes with each one. Now only three of you are left to do anything and they are Timber, Pipsy and Krunch. Let's not put any extra pressure on you now, there's too much of that. All I'm saying is that I have faith in all of you, no matter if you win or not. Should we win, then we truly earned it and kicked some major ass... and if not, this was really fun and I'm proud of all of us, especially myself.
Darion: I have one question. What happens if you tie?
Diddy: Then-
Darion: Let me ask that question again so you understand what I mean. After all of the races have been done and the flags tallied, what happens if you tie?
Diddy: If we tie, then we're taking it home. Timber, Pipsy, Krunch, these last flags are yours and all you have to do is take them. Unlike how we really cheered you on by going to the track with you, this time you three go alone as we watch here.
Krunch: Are you sure you want to do this?
Diddy: Yes.
Pipsy: Why?
Diddy: Because if we showed up, that would only put more pressure on your shoulders, not to mention your wheels.
Timber: (shrugs) If you say so, Diddy.
Nightfall on Crescent Island, the first of the last three races. The three DKR racers sat ready in their hovercrafts at the line with Taj, trying to foreshadow the feat that they have to accomplish.
Timber: Are you guys ready?
Krunch: I was born ready.
Pipsy: You said that you were born late.
Krunch: (!-_-) It's an expression.... How do you feel?
Pipsy: Nervous.
Darion: Maybe I can help with that.
Krunch: what are you doing here, Darion?
Darion: Don't worry about me, I'm just watching. That's all, and nothing more.
(Suddenly the MKR racers showed up)
Darion: Well, I guess it's time to race. Good luck to all of you... and Pipsy, you don't be nervous anymore. If you do, you'll become scared.
Mario: So, Pipsy's feeling scared eh? This is going to be easy. Peach, this is all yours.
Peach: Gotcha' nice and clear, Mario. Looks like this be the last time you and I go head up, Pipsy. You better make this one good or you'll put your whole team down.
Pipsy: Save your sympathy for after we win.
Peach: She's cocky now, good. This might help her.
[The ladies lined up at the line, kart vs 'craft.]
DK: Okay ladies, if you really said that you were the "Queen of Racing", this race is going to prove it. Good luck to both of you and get ready to roll.
Taj: Shake hands ladies, for this is the last time you'll have to do this. (the girls shake) Very good sportswomen you are. Well, without further ado, let's get this race going. Ladies, take your marks, get set, GO!
(Both racers blazed off down the first turn) And there they go, ready to give the best of racing to this one flag. The Racing Queen is going to be decided. [Both ladies took the left fork and hit the zipper, but Pipsy nabbed the weapon, a shield. Into the next turn, Peach nabbed a Speed Shield as the two ladies were neck and neck into the zipper and around the next turn. When the pirate ship came up, the two ladies went up the gangplank and into the hull and the next two turns.]
Pipsy: I'll go around on the final lap, or the one that needs it... Whichever comes first.
[On the final turn, both ladies zipped and hit the shortcut in line and crossed the first lap.] In the booths, the racers were talking about the race.
Darion: This can't keep going on.
Mario: Hey X, if this race ends like this, we'll win our thirteenth flag and the wars. You guys will win a battle, but lose the war.
Darion: I'm aware of that. Just relax Mario, this race isn't over yet.
Mario: You're right, this race isn't over. The Race Wars are over my friend, and you're going to witness it first-hand. Hehehehehehe.
After being in a tight spot, both ladies used their shields and Peach took the lead going into the pirate ship. Peach's weapon wore off as she left the ship and Pipsy went through the hull and was a second behind.
Pipsy: I guess I lost. Oh well, I might as well finish with everything I have.
[As the first turn of the final lap went on, something happened that changed the whole course of the race. [Pipsy hit the RW icon after the zipper and was give a chance to bite the bullet.]
Pipsy: (!^_^) Oh thank God.
Pipsy was given a Thunder Bullet and used it quickly. Peach was hit directly and soon rundown by Pipsy's hovercraft. {She got lucky, that's all!}
Mario Bros.: Lucky rat.
Bowser: Ain't this a bitch? {Took the words right out of my mouth.}
KT: Let me know when it's over, I've lost interest in the race.
Darion: Looks like we win this race, Ma-rio.
The race is over and Pipsy won the flag. DK gave the flag to the ecstatic mouse as she jumped for joy.
Pipsy: (^_^) I won. I won. I won! I am the Queen or Racing!
Mario: You just got lucky, your majesty.
Pipsy: Diddy's going to be happy with me. Bye!
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-11
MKR-12
*
MKR
(horns wail, motors run, vehicles pass by) The sounds of Toad's Turnpike can be relaxing the those who know it. But for those in need of victory, it's trouble. Taj: Donkey Kong and I agreed that this course should really be a challenge for you two. This flag won't come easy... and this time we literally mean it.
DK: Now, normally you would race this track with traffic. Tonight, you race against traffic.
Krunch: So what does that mean?
DK: That means the cars and trucks and buses are coming at you.
Krunch: Holy shit, are you out of your mind!?
Bowser: Scurred? Poor little baby, gonna' wet his diapie!
Krunch: At least I won't lose my teeth like you'll lose your dentures.
Bowser: (*\_/) Dentures?! Grab your kart and let's go, your ass is mine!
[Krunch and Bowser line up at the line, reved up and ready to go.]
Bowser: Get ready to lose, baby.
Krunch: We'll see who loses, "Old Man."
Jugem: Okay people, this race is important to both sides, because this flag can change the wars altogether. Good luck to both of you, you're going to need a lot of it.
(Jugem held the light on his pole and it went down the colors. Once the light went green, the heavyweights zoomed of like rockets)
Krunch: See ya', pops.
[Krunch's taunt caught up to him quickly as he crashed into a car.]
Bowser: Be careful, junior, traffic's a bitch right now.
Bowser raced this course time and time again in both directions, so he knew what he was doing. Krunch on the other hand, only went with traffic, but that didn't stop the teenage gator from trying to win this one.
Krunch: Diddy, this is one thing you're going to respect me by. Winning this race ties both sides going into the final flag, but from what I know about that turtle, this isn't an easy feat to accomplish.
Going into the second turn heading for the straight-away, Bowser's keen driving, along with an emergency Shield, gave him an edge to drive on Normal Road.
Bowser: This is too easy, the race here is in the bag. But just in case that kid tries to pull anything screwy, I have my--Hey, where did my Shield go?
Krunch: Thanks for the gift, pops. Oh, watch out for that bus.
Bowser: What bus?
(Crash)
Krunch: That bus. Heh, this will come in handy here.
Bowser: That cost me, but I'm not out of the race yet. {Just don't get cheaped out like Princess did.}
Down the straight line they went while dodging vehicles along the way. Mario and Timber were watching this in the booths.
Timber: I'm glad I'm not racing here, this is dangerous.
Luigi: You got the last race with me, frady cat.
Timber: You're not so tough.
Mario: Hey, I'm watching a race here...
Timber: You aren't the only one. Krunch, you gotta' win this one. Keep that lead, whatever you do.
Luigi: (mockingly) So Timber, have you said your speech about getting your butt kicked by me?
Timber: Why should I?
[Scene change to third turn.]
Luigi: Because even if Krunch wins this race and flag, I'll be taking the next flag home to the MKR side.
Timber: What are those marks on you from man, you look a little whipped?
Luigi: Rope burns, that's all.
Timber: You like pain for pleasure, don't you?
Luigi: NO!
Timber: You are one sick individual. Pain for pleasure, that's S&M man.
Mario: Can we just watch the race?
Timber: It's not my fault that your brother's a sick freak.
Luigi: Talk yourself into a whoopass stew, Timber. I'll be glad to add you to the pot.
Timber: I need a new scratching post for my claws, but you'll do personally. Not that I'm picky...
Mario & Taj: Shut up already.
[The final lap and things are neck and neck.]
Bowser: You look a little banged up, kid.
Krunch: At least I didn't have to catch a bus.
Bowser: (-_-) Har, har, har. But you caught a truck.
Krunch: Yeah, it hurt. But not like the semi triplets that you made friends with. {I love it when they talk head.}
[Down the line they went, picking up a Missile as they entered the first turn. Both crashed, but quickly recovered. Bowser ran into another car and Krunch laughed, but soon caught the bus and Bowser passed by.]
Bowser: Misery loves company, you know.
(Blam! Boom, boom, boom) Krunch: Yes it does, and It also loves trucks too.
[Bowser crashes into another semi. {That'll leave a mark.}]
Krunch: This is all mine baby, the flag belongs to me.
Around the second turn, Krunch led the race, but Bowser wasn't far behind. [Down the straight-away they went head up, dodging cars along the way. They both got missiles, but Krunch had a 10pak.]
Krunch: It's time we ended this match.
Bowser: I agree, it's time we finished this once and for all.
[With that, Bowser passed Krunch and shot him with his weapon and the turtle went throughout turn three. This angered the gator and it fueled him to make it a close race.] It seems like this race is almost over. With the flag running closer, as was the finish line, Krunch decided to unload on Bowser. this helped him as he crossed the line, taking first place from the boss of Bwahaha! Once Taj handed Krunch the flag, Bowser shrugged it off and shook Krunch's hand.
Krunch: You aren't mad, are you?
Bowser: No not really, I would've done the same thing.
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-12 MKR-12
*
Now it's time for the final race of the Race Wars, Moo Moo Farm. There were only four people allowed into this track. They were the judges, Luigi and Timber. [Taj and DK were across from the starting line while Luigi and Timber shook hands in their karts.]
Luigi: It's time.
Timber: Yup, good luck to you.
Luigi: (mockingly) I hope you said your prayers, kitty cat.
Timber: As a matter of fact, I did. Just before sundown.
Luigi: Nice comeback.
Timber: Thanks, but I really said my prayers before sundown.
Taj: This is for the win... GO!
(Both racers blazed off.)
Meanwhile outside in the mainland, both sides wondered who would win.
Diddy: This sucks, they won't even let us watch this race.
Baby Mario: Yeah, I wanted to see this one too.
Mario: I don't need to watch my brother take the thirteenth flag home to our side.
Diddy: And what happens if Luigi doesn't end up with the flag and Timber has it?
Mario: I'm sorry, I just don't see that.
Diddy: Is it that hard for you to swallow?
Mario: No, I just don't see that.
Jugem: What?... Okay... Are you two sure about this?... I see.
Diddy: What's up, Jugem?
Jugem: Both sides have a flag.
Diddy & Mario: You're kidding me, right?
Jugem: Nope, we're tied at thirteen and going into... Flag Capture!
(Both captains look at each other)
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-13 MKR-13
sudden death now.....
PART 1O
THE LAST FLAGS
[Toad's house, seven a.m. and the birds are chirping outside. In bed, Toad is awake in his bed laying down, while Fuchsia sleeps on top of him with a smile on her face and purring like a kitten. {I guess this is picking up from last night episode.}]
Toad: I just don't get you, Fuchsia. Why is it that I only get some when: A) You're in one of your heat spells, B) You're scared to death, or C) When we've been apart for a good minute? Oh well, I guess that's what I get. To think that I only screwed you once... and that was when we took that hike up that mountain. Luigi really bugged out when I actually wore shorts like that, instead of the normal pants I wear? {Pants?} And that was the second time we did it, all the other times you did me. When you were tired of "indulging" yourself, when you got locked up in prison for a month under false pretenses and just last night. Oh well, I'm not mad at you, but I need to screw you more... if you would let me. At least you're still apart of my world...
At breakfast, Toad and Fuchsia sat at the table to eat.
Fuchsia: It is nice to know that the last bit of races won't start until tonight.
Toad: That's great.
Fuchsia: .....So, what do you want to do today?
Toad: I didn't have anything planned today. I guess I'm going to clean up around the house.
Fuchsia: No, no, no, you're taking me out today.
Toad: Maybe tomorrow, but not today.
Fuchsia: Did I do something wrong?
Toad: Of course not, it's just me.
Fuchsia: Why don't you want to take me out today, we have the whole day to ourselves?
Toad: I just want to be around the house, Fuchsia. I'll be in the shower if you need me.
Fuchsia: Now you're just acting strange. What is it that I did wrong?
Toad: You didn't do anything wrong Fuchsia, it's just me.
Fuchsia: This is about our sex life again, isn't it?
Toad: I'm going to take my shower now.
Fuchsia: (sigh) He's only like this when it's about our sex life. Maybe Peach is right, oh well.
DKR
Diddy: We have to get in gear you guys, if Mario and his friends get any one of the final three flags, that's it. We can still win this thing you guys.
Tip Tup: I don't mean to sound negative, but there's no way we can win three in a row against them.
Diddy: Why don't you trust yourself, or your friends?
Tip Tup: Hey, chill out man. I trust all of us, but let's remember that Mario's friends are the ones who race against us now. their three are the ones that we race.
Diddy: Look, we can't afford to do anything else except for winning, so that's what we have to do.
Conker: But Diddy-
Diddy: That's what we have to do!
Pipsy: I like this course. Ooh, this one looks nice too. I don't like this one though...
Diddy: Pipsy, are you paying attention?
Pipsy: Sure I am. Now I've written down all of the courses that we have gone on and the one's that are left. The three courses are Moo Moo Farm, Crescent Island and Toad's Turnpike. I can take the first two, but the last one I just don't like.
Timber: What's not to like?
Pipsy: Running into cars, running into trucks, running into buses, getting run over by cars, getting run over by trucks, getting run over by buses, dodging cars, dodging trucks, dodging buses and still trying to win a flag to stay alive in the race.
Krunch: Where do you get cars and trucks from?
DK: I'll answer that question. Toad's Turnpike is like a freeway, you will have to go around vehicles and race at the same time.
Pipsy: That's too hard.
Diddy: I agree Pipsy, it is hard. But not everything in life is easy, so we have no choice but to deal with it.
Krunch: This sucks, I wanted to do something nice for a change.
Diddy: Nice isn't the key here, Krunch. Anyway, Toad's Turnpike may be hard, but we don't have any choice to pass it. Listen carefully, Krunch, Pipsy, Timber, you three are the rivals to Mario's other three chosen four. None of you need to practice on Crescent Island, so concentrate on the courses in the kingdom that are left. Practice now so you will be ready by tonight.
Timber: Why do all of us have to race these two courses?
Diddy: Because any one of you will have to do it anyway.
Krunch: That makes sense. Well, grab your karts and let's get going. the sooner we get there, the more time we'll have to practice.
MKR
Toad: I can't believe I'm going through with this.
Fuchsia: Stop complaining, I don't want to hear it.
Fuchsia wasn't so easily defeated, so instead of Toad taking her out... well, she took him out.
Toad: Where are we going anyway?
Fuchsia: I want you to meet my mom.
Toad: That's not a problem, it's your dad that'll be hard.
Fuchsia: So you want to stop off at the cemetery too?
Toad: No, no, no, that won't be needed. Good, it's clear sailing from now on.
Fuchsia: I think you don't like my dad.
Toad: That's not it, it's just that the dead should be at peace.
Fuchsia: I understand Toad, we don't have to go to the cemetery. Chicken shit.
Meanwhile...
Luigi: That was the best side of you in bed for a good while. {Oops!}
Peach: So I haven't been good the last couple of times?
Luigi: You misunderstood me. You're always good, but last night reminded me of the first time I split you open. {He said, split.}
Peach: Don't be funny Luigi, just be straight. Was it good or not?
Luigi: It was fine.
Peach: So it's fine now?
Luigi: I don't want to hear this crap, roll over on your belly. I might as well do you again.
Peach: With the same condom? You better put on two more.
Luigi: Good, I can leave this one on.
Peach: (groan) I'm gonna be sick. {Me too! Welcome to the club!} Take that one off, throw it away and put the two new ones on.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
(Luigi walks into the bathroom and Peach rolls over on her side and watched Luigi walk inside)
Peach: And don't wash that one out with hot water and slip it back on. that doesn't work.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
Peach: And don't put the used condom on after you put the new ones on.
Luigi: Yes, Peach.
Peach: And don't put the used condom between the new ones.
Luigi: Yes, Peach. {That's nasty!}
Peach: (sigh) I better go in there and see.
[Peach gets out of bed and follows Luigi. She's nude, but the princess's backside is being shown. {Nice ass.}]
[scene shift to Toad and Fuchsia]
Toad: Are we there yet?
Fuchsia: Don't be a Simpson.
Toad: I'm bored, can we take a break?
Fuchsia: No, wait a little later.
Toad: Fine, I'll go peacefully. Man, I can't believe how whipped I am. I bet Mario and Luigi aren't being whipped around like this.
Luigi: Where did you learn to tie me up like a chicken?
Peach: You want to whine huh? Here, you can taste the whip. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW!
Peach: You liked that, huh? Well have another one. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW! This hurts!
Peach: You gonna' put your condoms on right from now on, aren't you?
Luigi: Yes.
Peach: Sex is gonna' be good from now on, isn't it?
Luigi: I hope so.
Peach: Wrong answer. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW! This ain't funny anymore.
Peach: Of course not, it's just fun. (crack tch)
Luigi: OW!
DKR
(Diddy sits at his study, wondering) Diddy seemed a bit puzzled about his team's present predicament. He knew that winning is the only thing that can save them from losing the Race Wars. That was the only thing his team we could do, being in a tie was no exception.
Diddy: Three straight wins, that's what we need. Three straight wins. (sigh) It's not going to be easy getting three straight victories... it's impossible, really. This may not be ordinary, but there's no choice left but to do so. (Diddy began to pray) I hope this works.
(there's rapping at Diddy's door)
Timber: Diddy, are you in there?
Diddy: Yeah, come on in. (Timber walks in and takes a seat) So what's up?
Timber: Just thinking about our predicament, that's all. Why are you on your knees?
Diddy: I was about to pray.
Timber: Prayer... you don't mind if I join you, right?
Diddy: I'm not forcing you.
(Timber shrugged and join Diddy in prayer)
MKR
Fuchsia: Here we are, Toad.
Toad: Thank you, God...
It took a while, but they finally made it to Fuchsia's mom's house. [Fuchsia knocks on the door and her mom opens the door.]
Fuchsia: Hi, Mom.
Dell: Ooh, you came to visit me again. Give me a hug, honey.
Fuchsia: (hugs her mom) I brought someone for you to meet today.
Dell: I can see that. So this is my future son-in-law?
Toad: Son-in-law? Uhh, we didn't get that far yet.
Dell: Come on in you two.
*
Dell: So Toad, how is your sex life going?
Fuchsia: Mother?
Toad: Now, now ladies. We're all grown-ups here, so let's not get there.
Dell: But my question....
Toad: It's fine, really.
Fuchsia: Well, we'll be here for a few hours, so let's get to the room.
Dell: Now hon, don't shoo your hubby away from his mother-in-law.
Toad: I wish she'd stop saying that. Listen, um, why do you keep calling me your son-in-law?
Dell: So you don't want to make a longlife nuppie with my daughter? This is just being a--What are those guys called? That's it. You're just another one of those playas, ain'tcha'?
Toad: Excuse me for a minute "Mommy Dearest." FUCHSIA!!!!!
[Toad went into the room to talk to Fuchsia.]
Toad: What is with your mother?
Fuchsia: We're Love Mushrooms, Toad. My mom is really emotional when it comes to relations.
Toad: Well, I know where you get it from now.
Fuchsia: Toad, That's not funny.
Dell: Hey you two, what's going on in there?
Fuchsia & Toad: Nothing.
Dell: Ooh, you two are having nookie in there. I want pictures.
Fuchsia: No pictures!
Dell: Then let me get the camcorder.
Toad: Camcorder?
Dell: Of course, I want this on tape.
(Toad blacks out)
Fuchsia: Toad... Toad... Ah man, you made him pass out Mom. Thanks a lot.
Dell: Does that mean I can't get this on tape?
Meanwhile, Mario and the rest of the gang were planning the rest of the races.
Mario: Okay folks, let's close up shop and get this thing over with. All we need is one flag to win this Race Wars, just one.
Bowser: I love this. the meat was tasty and I'm picking' m'teeth with da' pick. One last run and this is ours.
Mario: Okay people, there are only three people left to race and that's Peach, Bowser and Luigi. One of you have to nab the last flag for us. If you do, it's all over.
Peach: One last ride to win this contest once and for all. It's time for them to see how a race is truly done.
KT: Hey Luigi, you look a little beat.
Luigi: You can say that. I'm still a little sore.
Baby Mario: You look like you got whipped good.
Luigi: Yeah, that's what happened.
Thunder: Yeah, a leather whip looked like it hit your ass a couple of times.
Peach: No, it was made out of pigskin. (covers her mouth) Wait, I didn't say that.
Daisy: What!? Why are you beating Luigi with my whip?
Mario: What do you mean, your whip.
Daisy: I didn't say that.
Baby Mario: That's not what I heard.
Princesses: Be quiet, Baby.
Thunder: The fetishes these princesses have are painful.
Bowser: You should've met my wife, she really wanted to kick someone's ass. And she wasn't nasty at all, which really scared me.
Thunder: Really?
Baby Mario: Why don't you have any pictures of your wife?
Bowser: I got rid of them when she passed away. Sometimes people have to move on with life, even if someone leaves their life whom they love.
Baby Mario: Koopa, you're scaring me.
KT: You two, huh?
Mario: Look, we'll talk about the whip later. Anyway, back to winning this thing.
Bowser: You humans are so masochistic nowadays, it makes me sick. Let's face it, Diddy and his clowns are going to try and pull a victory on all of us by winning three straight.
Baby Mario: That means it's your job to stop them.
Bowser: Nothing is gonna' beat me now. I'm all pumped with vigor, it's scary.
Peach: Yeah, whatever.
Bowser: You guys get all of the credit sometimes, a guy like me never gets to have any fun. (\_/) Bad guys need to have fun like you guys do, too.
KT: Time-out. Look you guys, this is getting out of hand, everything. Come on now, I mean, fun for the bad, whipping of the brothers by the princesses, scaring the hell out of me and the babe here, what is wrong with you people?
Luigi: KT has a point. Let's discuss our issues later and get back to victory. Now, here's how it's going to work...
*
DKR
The Diddy Kong Racers had one last meal before the sun finally went down.
Diddy: Listen, tonight may be the final night of the Race Wars for both reasons... win, or lose. We have three shots left in us and we need to hit bull's-eyes with each one. Now only three of you are left to do anything and they are Timber, Pipsy and Krunch. Let's not put any extra pressure on you now, there's too much of that. All I'm saying is that I have faith in all of you, no matter if you win or not. Should we win, then we truly earned it and kicked some major ass... and if not, this was really fun and I'm proud of all of us, especially myself.
Darion: I have one question. What happens if you tie?
Diddy: Then-
Darion: Let me ask that question again so you understand what I mean. After all of the races have been done and the flags tallied, what happens if you tie?
Diddy: If we tie, then we're taking it home. Timber, Pipsy, Krunch, these last flags are yours and all you have to do is take them. Unlike how we really cheered you on by going to the track with you, this time you three go alone as we watch here.
Krunch: Are you sure you want to do this?
Diddy: Yes.
Pipsy: Why?
Diddy: Because if we showed up, that would only put more pressure on your shoulders, not to mention your wheels.
Timber: (shrugs) If you say so, Diddy.
Nightfall on Crescent Island, the first of the last three races. The three DKR racers sat ready in their hovercrafts at the line with Taj, trying to foreshadow the feat that they have to accomplish.
Timber: Are you guys ready?
Krunch: I was born ready.
Pipsy: You said that you were born late.
Krunch: (!-_-) It's an expression.... How do you feel?
Pipsy: Nervous.
Darion: Maybe I can help with that.
Krunch: what are you doing here, Darion?
Darion: Don't worry about me, I'm just watching. That's all, and nothing more.
(Suddenly the MKR racers showed up)
Darion: Well, I guess it's time to race. Good luck to all of you... and Pipsy, you don't be nervous anymore. If you do, you'll become scared.
Mario: So, Pipsy's feeling scared eh? This is going to be easy. Peach, this is all yours.
Peach: Gotcha' nice and clear, Mario. Looks like this be the last time you and I go head up, Pipsy. You better make this one good or you'll put your whole team down.
Pipsy: Save your sympathy for after we win.
Peach: She's cocky now, good. This might help her.
[The ladies lined up at the line, kart vs 'craft.]
DK: Okay ladies, if you really said that you were the "Queen of Racing", this race is going to prove it. Good luck to both of you and get ready to roll.
Taj: Shake hands ladies, for this is the last time you'll have to do this. (the girls shake) Very good sportswomen you are. Well, without further ado, let's get this race going. Ladies, take your marks, get set, GO!
(Both racers blazed off down the first turn) And there they go, ready to give the best of racing to this one flag. The Racing Queen is going to be decided. [Both ladies took the left fork and hit the zipper, but Pipsy nabbed the weapon, a shield. Into the next turn, Peach nabbed a Speed Shield as the two ladies were neck and neck into the zipper and around the next turn. When the pirate ship came up, the two ladies went up the gangplank and into the hull and the next two turns.]
Pipsy: I'll go around on the final lap, or the one that needs it... Whichever comes first.
[On the final turn, both ladies zipped and hit the shortcut in line and crossed the first lap.] In the booths, the racers were talking about the race.
Darion: This can't keep going on.
Mario: Hey X, if this race ends like this, we'll win our thirteenth flag and the wars. You guys will win a battle, but lose the war.
Darion: I'm aware of that. Just relax Mario, this race isn't over yet.
Mario: You're right, this race isn't over. The Race Wars are over my friend, and you're going to witness it first-hand. Hehehehehehe.
After being in a tight spot, both ladies used their shields and Peach took the lead going into the pirate ship. Peach's weapon wore off as she left the ship and Pipsy went through the hull and was a second behind.
Pipsy: I guess I lost. Oh well, I might as well finish with everything I have.
[As the first turn of the final lap went on, something happened that changed the whole course of the race. [Pipsy hit the RW icon after the zipper and was give a chance to bite the bullet.]
Pipsy: (!^_^) Oh thank God.
Pipsy was given a Thunder Bullet and used it quickly. Peach was hit directly and soon rundown by Pipsy's hovercraft. {She got lucky, that's all!}
Mario Bros.: Lucky rat.
Bowser: Ain't this a bitch? {Took the words right out of my mouth.}
KT: Let me know when it's over, I've lost interest in the race.
Darion: Looks like we win this race, Ma-rio.
The race is over and Pipsy won the flag. DK gave the flag to the ecstatic mouse as she jumped for joy.
Pipsy: (^_^) I won. I won. I won! I am the Queen or Racing!
Mario: You just got lucky, your majesty.
Pipsy: Diddy's going to be happy with me. Bye!
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-11
MKR-12
*
MKR
(horns wail, motors run, vehicles pass by) The sounds of Toad's Turnpike can be relaxing the those who know it. But for those in need of victory, it's trouble. Taj: Donkey Kong and I agreed that this course should really be a challenge for you two. This flag won't come easy... and this time we literally mean it.
DK: Now, normally you would race this track with traffic. Tonight, you race against traffic.
Krunch: So what does that mean?
DK: That means the cars and trucks and buses are coming at you.
Krunch: Holy shit, are you out of your mind!?
Bowser: Scurred? Poor little baby, gonna' wet his diapie!
Krunch: At least I won't lose my teeth like you'll lose your dentures.
Bowser: (*\_/) Dentures?! Grab your kart and let's go, your ass is mine!
[Krunch and Bowser line up at the line, reved up and ready to go.]
Bowser: Get ready to lose, baby.
Krunch: We'll see who loses, "Old Man."
Jugem: Okay people, this race is important to both sides, because this flag can change the wars altogether. Good luck to both of you, you're going to need a lot of it.
(Jugem held the light on his pole and it went down the colors. Once the light went green, the heavyweights zoomed of like rockets)
Krunch: See ya', pops.
[Krunch's taunt caught up to him quickly as he crashed into a car.]
Bowser: Be careful, junior, traffic's a bitch right now.
Bowser raced this course time and time again in both directions, so he knew what he was doing. Krunch on the other hand, only went with traffic, but that didn't stop the teenage gator from trying to win this one.
Krunch: Diddy, this is one thing you're going to respect me by. Winning this race ties both sides going into the final flag, but from what I know about that turtle, this isn't an easy feat to accomplish.
Going into the second turn heading for the straight-away, Bowser's keen driving, along with an emergency Shield, gave him an edge to drive on Normal Road.
Bowser: This is too easy, the race here is in the bag. But just in case that kid tries to pull anything screwy, I have my--Hey, where did my Shield go?
Krunch: Thanks for the gift, pops. Oh, watch out for that bus.
Bowser: What bus?
(Crash)
Krunch: That bus. Heh, this will come in handy here.
Bowser: That cost me, but I'm not out of the race yet. {Just don't get cheaped out like Princess did.}
Down the straight line they went while dodging vehicles along the way. Mario and Timber were watching this in the booths.
Timber: I'm glad I'm not racing here, this is dangerous.
Luigi: You got the last race with me, frady cat.
Timber: You're not so tough.
Mario: Hey, I'm watching a race here...
Timber: You aren't the only one. Krunch, you gotta' win this one. Keep that lead, whatever you do.
Luigi: (mockingly) So Timber, have you said your speech about getting your butt kicked by me?
Timber: Why should I?
[Scene change to third turn.]
Luigi: Because even if Krunch wins this race and flag, I'll be taking the next flag home to the MKR side.
Timber: What are those marks on you from man, you look a little whipped?
Luigi: Rope burns, that's all.
Timber: You like pain for pleasure, don't you?
Luigi: NO!
Timber: You are one sick individual. Pain for pleasure, that's S&M man.
Mario: Can we just watch the race?
Timber: It's not my fault that your brother's a sick freak.
Luigi: Talk yourself into a whoopass stew, Timber. I'll be glad to add you to the pot.
Timber: I need a new scratching post for my claws, but you'll do personally. Not that I'm picky...
Mario & Taj: Shut up already.
[The final lap and things are neck and neck.]
Bowser: You look a little banged up, kid.
Krunch: At least I didn't have to catch a bus.
Bowser: (-_-) Har, har, har. But you caught a truck.
Krunch: Yeah, it hurt. But not like the semi triplets that you made friends with. {I love it when they talk head.}
[Down the line they went, picking up a Missile as they entered the first turn. Both crashed, but quickly recovered. Bowser ran into another car and Krunch laughed, but soon caught the bus and Bowser passed by.]
Bowser: Misery loves company, you know.
(Blam! Boom, boom, boom) Krunch: Yes it does, and It also loves trucks too.
[Bowser crashes into another semi. {That'll leave a mark.}]
Krunch: This is all mine baby, the flag belongs to me.
Around the second turn, Krunch led the race, but Bowser wasn't far behind. [Down the straight-away they went head up, dodging cars along the way. They both got missiles, but Krunch had a 10pak.]
Krunch: It's time we ended this match.
Bowser: I agree, it's time we finished this once and for all.
[With that, Bowser passed Krunch and shot him with his weapon and the turtle went throughout turn three. This angered the gator and it fueled him to make it a close race.] It seems like this race is almost over. With the flag running closer, as was the finish line, Krunch decided to unload on Bowser. this helped him as he crossed the line, taking first place from the boss of Bwahaha! Once Taj handed Krunch the flag, Bowser shrugged it off and shook Krunch's hand.
Krunch: You aren't mad, are you?
Bowser: No not really, I would've done the same thing.
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-12 MKR-12
*
Now it's time for the final race of the Race Wars, Moo Moo Farm. There were only four people allowed into this track. They were the judges, Luigi and Timber. [Taj and DK were across from the starting line while Luigi and Timber shook hands in their karts.]
Luigi: It's time.
Timber: Yup, good luck to you.
Luigi: (mockingly) I hope you said your prayers, kitty cat.
Timber: As a matter of fact, I did. Just before sundown.
Luigi: Nice comeback.
Timber: Thanks, but I really said my prayers before sundown.
Taj: This is for the win... GO!
(Both racers blazed off.)
Meanwhile outside in the mainland, both sides wondered who would win.
Diddy: This sucks, they won't even let us watch this race.
Baby Mario: Yeah, I wanted to see this one too.
Mario: I don't need to watch my brother take the thirteenth flag home to our side.
Diddy: And what happens if Luigi doesn't end up with the flag and Timber has it?
Mario: I'm sorry, I just don't see that.
Diddy: Is it that hard for you to swallow?
Mario: No, I just don't see that.
Jugem: What?... Okay... Are you two sure about this?... I see.
Diddy: What's up, Jugem?
Jugem: Both sides have a flag.
Diddy & Mario: You're kidding me, right?
Jugem: Nope, we're tied at thirteen and going into... Flag Capture!
(Both captains look at each other)
RACE WARS TALLY
DKR-13 MKR-13
sudden death now.....