Chapter 10
The silence hung heavy in the air, as Buffy looked into his eyes.
"I am sure, more sure than I have been of anything in this uncertain life, I want you to touch me, not out of some stupid need to feel, but to feel you next to me, Spike you must know how I feel about you?" she asked hesitantly.
"That day in the hellmouth, when you said you loved me, I barely allowed myself to hope that it was real, I almost thought that I was hallucinating from the pain," he admitted.
"So you thought my declaration of love was some sort of death bed confession?" she asked slightly horrified.
"People say a lot of things they don't really mean, in the face of death, having been the bringer of death my self, I know what I am talking about," Spike replied.
"Why does everything have to be complicated?" she sighed.
"That's life Buffy, you know how I feel about you, I could take you to your bed and show you just how much, but I don't know if I could take it, when you turned from me again, there's only so much a person can take," Spike replied.
"What makes you think this is not a forever deal? Spike it's not enough that I believe in you, you have to believe in yourself if we are to have any sort of a chance," Buffy said.
"Are we taking white picket fences here?" he asked.
"And fat grandchildren," she said wryly, remembering her words to Angel.
Spike lifted her off his lap, to stand with her, searching her face for the truth of her words, he saw the determination there, along with another emotion, that he hardly dared believe. He lowered his head and gently kissed her lips, they drew apart and linked hands and walked to her bedroom together.
"This is real, feel it," she said as she placed his hand on her breast,
He rested it there for a moment, feeling the rapid beating of her heart beneath his hand. She smiled up at him shyly, almost as if it was their first time together. In a way it was, she reflected sadly. So many times Spike had wanted to be tender in their past relationship, and she hadn't allowed him to be, she hadn't wanted to feel his love back then otherwise she wouldn't have been able to feel her self hate. She shook her head slightly, almost as if trying to erase the ugly memories, of the past.
"Sshh pet, memories are what make us what we are, we can't erase them, but we can make peace with them," he soothed.
"How did you know.." She asked, surprised.
"Never mind," he replied as he cut her off with his lips.
They slowly removed each other's clothing and sank down onto the bed; they worshipped each other's bodies, in a tangle of sheets and whispered sighs. As Spike claimed for his own, Buffy gasped at the wonder of the emotions running through her. It felt the same as they day they had held hands that one last time, it was more than a joining of bodies, it was a joining of souls.
As they both returned to reality, Buffy got up off the bed, and turned on the CD player. She locked the bedroom door, Dawn would have to use the sofa bed, tonight belonged to her and Spike. A nameless female singer started singing about lost love, Buffy joined Spike back on the bed.
Spike listened to the music, "A little depressing wouldn't you say love?" he asked.
"Sorry, that's the kinda thing my new music collection consists of, I used to sit in my room for hours on end, listening to sad songs of lost love and thinking about..." she trailed off.
Spike drew her in the circle of his arms almost as if trying to absorb the pain of the last few months. She rested her head on his chest and flung one arm over him. Her fingers traced the scar on his chest, left by the amulet. The song ended, Spike frowned as he felt a slight wetness on his chest. He lifted Buffy's face to look at him, tears were running down her cheeks, and her green eyes shimmered with new tears waiting to fall. He sat up in the bed and cradled her in his arms as she had done to him, on his first night back. She soon fell asleep, and he gently lowered her back on to the bed and settled down next to her.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They were both awoken by loud banging on the bedroom door, Spike squinted slightly at the bright sun flooding the room, after more than a hundred years in darkness, it still took a little while for his eyes to adjust.
"Hey, you've taken my bedroom long enough, I need to get in there to get my clothes," Said Dawn.
"If ever that was a reason to get my own place," grumbled Buffy as she got up off the bed and pulled on a wrap.
Buffy went over to the dresser and took out some of Dawn's things; she opened the door a crack and threw them at her sister.
"I don't want to wear these," Dawn complained.
"Make do, that's all you're getting," said Buffy, as she shut the door in Dawn's face.
"Show some compassion love, remember what you were like at 17," he smiled remembering the girl she had been.
"I was never that bad," she replied.
Spike held up his hands in surrender.
"What ever you say, come back to bed," he replied.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dawn stomped around the apartment, getting ready to go to high school. Calling Buffy all manner of names under her breath. She jumped slightly as she turned around and almost bumped into Spike.
"Morning nibblet, where's the watcher?" he asked her.
"Oh Giles is in the bathroom, so how was your night?" she asked arching an eyebrow at him.
"Good," was all he replied.
Dawn started to fold up the sofa bed, she struggled with it's mechanism, until Spike came and helped her put it away.
"Thanks," she smiled uncertainly at him.
"Least I could do after taking over your room," he shrugged and gave her a little grin.
"I'm making coffee, you want?" she asked Spike.
"Sure why not," he replied.
Spike followed Dawn into the kitchen, and seated himself at one of the breakfast stools. He watched as she filled the kettle, dawn went to the fridge and extracted the milk, her hand paused on a bag of pig's blood, she held it up to him.
"Would you rather have some of this?" she asked.
Spike shook his head.
"Could murder a plate of bacon and eggs though," he said frowning slightly at his own words.
"Not very vampirey," said Dawn as she got out some bacon and eggs.
She started cooking the food on the griddle. She leaned against the kitchen counter and regarded Spike silently.
"What is it, do I have a big zit on my face or something?" he asked smiling at her.
"No I just thinking," she sighed.
"I know," he replied.
"What?" she asked.
"I mean, I thought so," Spike amended quickly.
"Thank you Spike," said Dawn.
"For what?" asked Spike.
"For saving us all, and I, oh dammit the breakfast is burning," she said quickly removing it from the heat.
"Guess cooking skills run in the family," he grinned.
Dawn opened the cupboard and ripped open a packet, she handed him the foil wrapped sachet.
"Pop tart?" she asked hopefully.
The kettle clicked off as it boiled.
"Think I'll just stick to the coffee," said Spike.
"I'm sorry, not just about the breakfast, but about a lot of things, I'm sorry I never gave you a chance, when you came back from Africa, but you do understand why I was like I was, don't you?" she asked
Spike took one of Dawn's hands in his and gave it a comforting squeeze.
"No need to explain," he said sadly.
"Yes, but you were like the brother I never had, you took care of me those months after Buffy died, it just hurt too much to remember," Dawn admitted.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, I would have been exactly the same in your shoes," said Spike.
"You went through unbelievable torture to get yourself a soul, to be a better man, I was confused by all that and what it meant, I was afraid the old Spike was still in there, wanting to harm my sister,"
"You do believe, I could never do that again?" he asked.
She smiled at him.
"Yes, I do," she said.
"Good, now where's my coffee?" he asked airily as he walked back into the lounge.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike entered the lounge, Giles was sitting at the research table, and his hair was still wet from his recent shower. Spike sat next to him and, touched the table.
"Do these come as standard watcher issue?" he asked looking at the table.
Giles didn't answer him and just went back to reading his book.
"Tough room," said Spike.
Giles lowered his book to look at Spike.
"Just what do you think you are playing at Spike?" asked Giles.
"Didn't think I was playing at anything," he frowned.
"If you hurt her." trailed off Giles.
"You'll what? Hatch a fiendish plan with Wood to try and dispose of me again? Bit difficult as teach is AWOL somewhere with Faith," he replied.
"How'd you know about Wood and Faith? Silly question, I suppose Buffy told you?" asked Giles.
"No it was Willow actually, when I was being kept as little more than a prisoner at Wolfram and Hart, she'd come and talk to me, tell me all sorts of things, guess it was because she thought I couldn't hear her," Spike replied.
"I know exactly what's going on with you Spike, I've known since you started exhibiting the early symptoms, now I am going to give you an ultimatum, no more playing games on either side, either you tell Buffy or I will. I don't like lying to her," said Giles.
"Never stopped you before, I can't tell her, she has to make the decision freely of her own will," said Spike.
"Otherwise what?" asked Giles.
"Otherwise I'll go to hell, literally," said Spike.
Spike turned around at the gasp he heard behind him, Buffy stood in the doorway, her face paper white.
TBC
The silence hung heavy in the air, as Buffy looked into his eyes.
"I am sure, more sure than I have been of anything in this uncertain life, I want you to touch me, not out of some stupid need to feel, but to feel you next to me, Spike you must know how I feel about you?" she asked hesitantly.
"That day in the hellmouth, when you said you loved me, I barely allowed myself to hope that it was real, I almost thought that I was hallucinating from the pain," he admitted.
"So you thought my declaration of love was some sort of death bed confession?" she asked slightly horrified.
"People say a lot of things they don't really mean, in the face of death, having been the bringer of death my self, I know what I am talking about," Spike replied.
"Why does everything have to be complicated?" she sighed.
"That's life Buffy, you know how I feel about you, I could take you to your bed and show you just how much, but I don't know if I could take it, when you turned from me again, there's only so much a person can take," Spike replied.
"What makes you think this is not a forever deal? Spike it's not enough that I believe in you, you have to believe in yourself if we are to have any sort of a chance," Buffy said.
"Are we taking white picket fences here?" he asked.
"And fat grandchildren," she said wryly, remembering her words to Angel.
Spike lifted her off his lap, to stand with her, searching her face for the truth of her words, he saw the determination there, along with another emotion, that he hardly dared believe. He lowered his head and gently kissed her lips, they drew apart and linked hands and walked to her bedroom together.
"This is real, feel it," she said as she placed his hand on her breast,
He rested it there for a moment, feeling the rapid beating of her heart beneath his hand. She smiled up at him shyly, almost as if it was their first time together. In a way it was, she reflected sadly. So many times Spike had wanted to be tender in their past relationship, and she hadn't allowed him to be, she hadn't wanted to feel his love back then otherwise she wouldn't have been able to feel her self hate. She shook her head slightly, almost as if trying to erase the ugly memories, of the past.
"Sshh pet, memories are what make us what we are, we can't erase them, but we can make peace with them," he soothed.
"How did you know.." She asked, surprised.
"Never mind," he replied as he cut her off with his lips.
They slowly removed each other's clothing and sank down onto the bed; they worshipped each other's bodies, in a tangle of sheets and whispered sighs. As Spike claimed for his own, Buffy gasped at the wonder of the emotions running through her. It felt the same as they day they had held hands that one last time, it was more than a joining of bodies, it was a joining of souls.
As they both returned to reality, Buffy got up off the bed, and turned on the CD player. She locked the bedroom door, Dawn would have to use the sofa bed, tonight belonged to her and Spike. A nameless female singer started singing about lost love, Buffy joined Spike back on the bed.
Spike listened to the music, "A little depressing wouldn't you say love?" he asked.
"Sorry, that's the kinda thing my new music collection consists of, I used to sit in my room for hours on end, listening to sad songs of lost love and thinking about..." she trailed off.
Spike drew her in the circle of his arms almost as if trying to absorb the pain of the last few months. She rested her head on his chest and flung one arm over him. Her fingers traced the scar on his chest, left by the amulet. The song ended, Spike frowned as he felt a slight wetness on his chest. He lifted Buffy's face to look at him, tears were running down her cheeks, and her green eyes shimmered with new tears waiting to fall. He sat up in the bed and cradled her in his arms as she had done to him, on his first night back. She soon fell asleep, and he gently lowered her back on to the bed and settled down next to her.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They were both awoken by loud banging on the bedroom door, Spike squinted slightly at the bright sun flooding the room, after more than a hundred years in darkness, it still took a little while for his eyes to adjust.
"Hey, you've taken my bedroom long enough, I need to get in there to get my clothes," Said Dawn.
"If ever that was a reason to get my own place," grumbled Buffy as she got up off the bed and pulled on a wrap.
Buffy went over to the dresser and took out some of Dawn's things; she opened the door a crack and threw them at her sister.
"I don't want to wear these," Dawn complained.
"Make do, that's all you're getting," said Buffy, as she shut the door in Dawn's face.
"Show some compassion love, remember what you were like at 17," he smiled remembering the girl she had been.
"I was never that bad," she replied.
Spike held up his hands in surrender.
"What ever you say, come back to bed," he replied.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dawn stomped around the apartment, getting ready to go to high school. Calling Buffy all manner of names under her breath. She jumped slightly as she turned around and almost bumped into Spike.
"Morning nibblet, where's the watcher?" he asked her.
"Oh Giles is in the bathroom, so how was your night?" she asked arching an eyebrow at him.
"Good," was all he replied.
Dawn started to fold up the sofa bed, she struggled with it's mechanism, until Spike came and helped her put it away.
"Thanks," she smiled uncertainly at him.
"Least I could do after taking over your room," he shrugged and gave her a little grin.
"I'm making coffee, you want?" she asked Spike.
"Sure why not," he replied.
Spike followed Dawn into the kitchen, and seated himself at one of the breakfast stools. He watched as she filled the kettle, dawn went to the fridge and extracted the milk, her hand paused on a bag of pig's blood, she held it up to him.
"Would you rather have some of this?" she asked.
Spike shook his head.
"Could murder a plate of bacon and eggs though," he said frowning slightly at his own words.
"Not very vampirey," said Dawn as she got out some bacon and eggs.
She started cooking the food on the griddle. She leaned against the kitchen counter and regarded Spike silently.
"What is it, do I have a big zit on my face or something?" he asked smiling at her.
"No I just thinking," she sighed.
"I know," he replied.
"What?" she asked.
"I mean, I thought so," Spike amended quickly.
"Thank you Spike," said Dawn.
"For what?" asked Spike.
"For saving us all, and I, oh dammit the breakfast is burning," she said quickly removing it from the heat.
"Guess cooking skills run in the family," he grinned.
Dawn opened the cupboard and ripped open a packet, she handed him the foil wrapped sachet.
"Pop tart?" she asked hopefully.
The kettle clicked off as it boiled.
"Think I'll just stick to the coffee," said Spike.
"I'm sorry, not just about the breakfast, but about a lot of things, I'm sorry I never gave you a chance, when you came back from Africa, but you do understand why I was like I was, don't you?" she asked
Spike took one of Dawn's hands in his and gave it a comforting squeeze.
"No need to explain," he said sadly.
"Yes, but you were like the brother I never had, you took care of me those months after Buffy died, it just hurt too much to remember," Dawn admitted.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, I would have been exactly the same in your shoes," said Spike.
"You went through unbelievable torture to get yourself a soul, to be a better man, I was confused by all that and what it meant, I was afraid the old Spike was still in there, wanting to harm my sister,"
"You do believe, I could never do that again?" he asked.
She smiled at him.
"Yes, I do," she said.
"Good, now where's my coffee?" he asked airily as he walked back into the lounge.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike entered the lounge, Giles was sitting at the research table, and his hair was still wet from his recent shower. Spike sat next to him and, touched the table.
"Do these come as standard watcher issue?" he asked looking at the table.
Giles didn't answer him and just went back to reading his book.
"Tough room," said Spike.
Giles lowered his book to look at Spike.
"Just what do you think you are playing at Spike?" asked Giles.
"Didn't think I was playing at anything," he frowned.
"If you hurt her." trailed off Giles.
"You'll what? Hatch a fiendish plan with Wood to try and dispose of me again? Bit difficult as teach is AWOL somewhere with Faith," he replied.
"How'd you know about Wood and Faith? Silly question, I suppose Buffy told you?" asked Giles.
"No it was Willow actually, when I was being kept as little more than a prisoner at Wolfram and Hart, she'd come and talk to me, tell me all sorts of things, guess it was because she thought I couldn't hear her," Spike replied.
"I know exactly what's going on with you Spike, I've known since you started exhibiting the early symptoms, now I am going to give you an ultimatum, no more playing games on either side, either you tell Buffy or I will. I don't like lying to her," said Giles.
"Never stopped you before, I can't tell her, she has to make the decision freely of her own will," said Spike.
"Otherwise what?" asked Giles.
"Otherwise I'll go to hell, literally," said Spike.
Spike turned around at the gasp he heard behind him, Buffy stood in the doorway, her face paper white.
TBC