Though I usually have all the bright ideas in my family, the credit for this Diary Of Despair belongs to my sister. I have, with her permission, reproduced and edited the Diary Of Thenardier. Also, I own no part of Les Miserables and all that legal stuff. Thank you very much.
The Diary Of Thenardier
December 29th- Some bloody woman from the city asked me to watch her child in return for ten francs a month. Gleefully agreed before realizing what a bloody nuisance children are. Ah well, can always use it as a maid. Dish cleaning can be so time consuming.
December 31st- Child still annoying me. Went into long spiel about giving bloody horse water when everyone knows that the horse ran off two days ago. How stupid the things that we do...
January 30th- Made loads of money and picked up a drunkard's pocket watch while he was rambling about some bloody student named Enjolras. That watch'll fetch plenty.
July 20th- Frightfully bad business. Picked up journal thinking it was bill book. Oops. Turns out customer picked it up and left, terrified by the prices. Rest of inn followed. Hasn't been the same since. Wife smacked me with sausage. Ow.
August 1st- Sausage bruise still hurts. Ow.
December 24th- Sausage bruise almost gone, may ask for an eye patch for Christmas to cover the evidence and stop all bloody questions.
December 25th- Bloody traveler came trying to buy brat. Ended up buying her socks. Still confused. Got loads of money from him. Go me.
Bill of Monsieur in Room 1
Supper- 3 Frs.
Room- 10 " "
Candle- 5 " "
Fire- 4 " "
Servisses- 1 " "
Not bad for selling socks, eh?
December 26th- Stranger bought Cosette for 1500 francs. Not bad, as I always hated the toad... Now I can close the bloody inn! Yes!
Later- Oops. How stupid I can be...
Even Later- Caught up with stranger. Had Fantine's signature. Curse it all... Well, suckered 1500 Frs. earlier, I'll survive. Curse...
Years Later...
October 12th- Lost bloody book for a long time. Forgot all about it. Discovered yesterday that had been using it as a door-stopper the whole time. Whoops.
March 14th- Found where Cosette and that old bloke live. Plan to rob house. What fun!
March 16th- Attempted robbery today. Note "attempted." Claquesous kept running around in the shadows and wouldn't help me. Just kept repeating, "I am night." Babet kept making fun of me for not recognizing 'Ponine. How am I supposed to know her when she's dressed like a man. Wait a second, was that my coat?? Anyway, she ruined the whole thing. Kept screaming bloody murder about rain making flowers grow. Had to run into the sewers to escape the cognes. Nasty things, the whole bloody lot of them. Sewer rat droppings will never come out of stylish apron. Darn it all!
17th- Much important news today. Inn officially closed. Also found out that bloody students holding some sort of revolution. Well, can always pick off their bodies, seeing as there's no way they can win anyway...
March 25th- Planned to rob a bloke today Got me a band of more helpful followers for this one. Dumb hostage ran away when the police officer came to arrest us. Tried to steal his hat on escape but failed. Cell very wet. Prison rat droppings blending with sewer rat droppings on apron. Lovely.
April 23rd- Haven't escaped yet.
May 27th- Finally escaped. Being on the run is so much fun!
June 8th- Bloody students started their revolution today. College students and their rebellion... Already picked up gold tooth. Very pretty, think I'll keep it.
June 10th- Heard student leader died today. Sniff, cry...hem hem. Well, I'm not too humble to say "I told you so!"
June 15th- Found some bloke in sewers today with corpse on his back. Pretended to be a tollbooth and let him through for a few francs. What won't a guy do for money these days.
July 12th- Went to Baron's house today for money. Called myself Thenard'. Realized later that I couldn't have come up with a worse disguised name if I tried. Didn't get money. Well, not much. Turns out Baron was that corpse in the sewers. Oops. Told him near the end that he was supposed to be dead. Not a good tactic. Said that wife would be mad if I didn't come home with anything. Told me that 'Ponnine, that runt of a boy, and my wife were dead. Silly me, I didn't know. Me and 'Zelma going west now. Maybe I can keep that bloody gold tooth.
August 24th- Couldn't resist one last scheme before I left. Went to Baron's wedding. Found out he was marrying Cosette. The bastard! Went as the Baron de Thenard'. Used same lousy name for lack of more dumb ideas. Got more money and a punch in the face for my trouble. Punch in exact location of that damn sausage bruise...
August 25th- Well, now that I've got the money, I may as well go. In desperate need of a cold compress...
The Diary Of Thenardier
December 29th- Some bloody woman from the city asked me to watch her child in return for ten francs a month. Gleefully agreed before realizing what a bloody nuisance children are. Ah well, can always use it as a maid. Dish cleaning can be so time consuming.
December 31st- Child still annoying me. Went into long spiel about giving bloody horse water when everyone knows that the horse ran off two days ago. How stupid the things that we do...
January 30th- Made loads of money and picked up a drunkard's pocket watch while he was rambling about some bloody student named Enjolras. That watch'll fetch plenty.
July 20th- Frightfully bad business. Picked up journal thinking it was bill book. Oops. Turns out customer picked it up and left, terrified by the prices. Rest of inn followed. Hasn't been the same since. Wife smacked me with sausage. Ow.
August 1st- Sausage bruise still hurts. Ow.
December 24th- Sausage bruise almost gone, may ask for an eye patch for Christmas to cover the evidence and stop all bloody questions.
December 25th- Bloody traveler came trying to buy brat. Ended up buying her socks. Still confused. Got loads of money from him. Go me.
Bill of Monsieur in Room 1
Supper- 3 Frs.
Room- 10 " "
Candle- 5 " "
Fire- 4 " "
Servisses- 1 " "
Not bad for selling socks, eh?
December 26th- Stranger bought Cosette for 1500 francs. Not bad, as I always hated the toad... Now I can close the bloody inn! Yes!
Later- Oops. How stupid I can be...
Even Later- Caught up with stranger. Had Fantine's signature. Curse it all... Well, suckered 1500 Frs. earlier, I'll survive. Curse...
Years Later...
October 12th- Lost bloody book for a long time. Forgot all about it. Discovered yesterday that had been using it as a door-stopper the whole time. Whoops.
March 14th- Found where Cosette and that old bloke live. Plan to rob house. What fun!
March 16th- Attempted robbery today. Note "attempted." Claquesous kept running around in the shadows and wouldn't help me. Just kept repeating, "I am night." Babet kept making fun of me for not recognizing 'Ponine. How am I supposed to know her when she's dressed like a man. Wait a second, was that my coat?? Anyway, she ruined the whole thing. Kept screaming bloody murder about rain making flowers grow. Had to run into the sewers to escape the cognes. Nasty things, the whole bloody lot of them. Sewer rat droppings will never come out of stylish apron. Darn it all!
17th- Much important news today. Inn officially closed. Also found out that bloody students holding some sort of revolution. Well, can always pick off their bodies, seeing as there's no way they can win anyway...
March 25th- Planned to rob a bloke today Got me a band of more helpful followers for this one. Dumb hostage ran away when the police officer came to arrest us. Tried to steal his hat on escape but failed. Cell very wet. Prison rat droppings blending with sewer rat droppings on apron. Lovely.
April 23rd- Haven't escaped yet.
May 27th- Finally escaped. Being on the run is so much fun!
June 8th- Bloody students started their revolution today. College students and their rebellion... Already picked up gold tooth. Very pretty, think I'll keep it.
June 10th- Heard student leader died today. Sniff, cry...hem hem. Well, I'm not too humble to say "I told you so!"
June 15th- Found some bloke in sewers today with corpse on his back. Pretended to be a tollbooth and let him through for a few francs. What won't a guy do for money these days.
July 12th- Went to Baron's house today for money. Called myself Thenard'. Realized later that I couldn't have come up with a worse disguised name if I tried. Didn't get money. Well, not much. Turns out Baron was that corpse in the sewers. Oops. Told him near the end that he was supposed to be dead. Not a good tactic. Said that wife would be mad if I didn't come home with anything. Told me that 'Ponnine, that runt of a boy, and my wife were dead. Silly me, I didn't know. Me and 'Zelma going west now. Maybe I can keep that bloody gold tooth.
August 24th- Couldn't resist one last scheme before I left. Went to Baron's wedding. Found out he was marrying Cosette. The bastard! Went as the Baron de Thenard'. Used same lousy name for lack of more dumb ideas. Got more money and a punch in the face for my trouble. Punch in exact location of that damn sausage bruise...
August 25th- Well, now that I've got the money, I may as well go. In desperate need of a cold compress...