you shall write me a list of names, and these names shall be the names of
your sons, and your sons' sons, and your sons' sons' sons, and so on and so
forth until the end of time, Amen, etc., etc.
And Cane was so overwhelmed with the conflicting emotions that he let out a high-pitched squeak, for horror at his curse, and for gratefulness at not being roasted like an overdone chicken wing.
And God did hie back to the heavens, and Cane did get back to his home, and did set to work on a list, even as God did work on his soap opera, entitled, The Trying of Nut Cluster, for Nut Cluster was a low-level attorney who worked in a television court and often used hallucinogenic mushrooms and was involved in orgies. Nut Cluster wasn't a very good lawyer. It wasn't a very good soap opera either.
And so Cane did write a list of names, and it was long, and it was bad.
And so Cane did have more sons, and his sons had sons, and his sons' sons had sons, and so on and so forth until Noah was born, Amen.
And Noah's list of ancestors is as follows: Nimrod, and Bettle, and Shoe, and Cornwise, and Cereal Flakes, and Nut Cluster, and Almond, and Rznhsosl, and Oxhbacj, and Rumpelstiltskien, and Tqpmwil, and Ceikwyxaz, and Qpehuxzmc, and Xyz, and Zyxwvutsrqpomnlkjihgfedcba, and Bob, and Dijwycv, and Craniumnus, and Cynobactite, and Djon, and Chelicerate, and Flamingo, and Quetzal, and Albatross, and Podus, and Monoantennae, and Aquallitis, and Gonorrhea, and Hemophiliciusite, and Cotyledon, and Extra Heavy Aluminum Foil, and Thylakoid, and Cuddles the Teddy Bear, and Salinizatious, and Aftereffects of Atomic Testing, and Viggo, and Nitrate, and Deuteromycota, and Crop Rotation, and Cycad, and then was Noah born.
And God, angered at the suckiness of The Trying of Nut Cluster, decided to spontaneously destroy all of creation.
This was revealed to Noah over delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers.
And God spake unto Noah, and said, guess what?
And Noah did guess, and it was incorrect, for his answer was, giant radioactive fluffy pink bunnies are procreating in my backyard?
And God did say, no, and did take a sip of his delicious grape-kiwi wine cooler, and did say that God was planning to destroy all living organisms on earth.
And Noah did protest, even as God's conscience did protest. And so God did relent. And God told Noah to build a boat and fill it with animals, and sail off into the sunset before God smote the earth.
And so God smote the earth.
And Noah did so, and the earth was repopulated.
And so, once again, time passed.
And so the repopulated populace did become more intelligent, and did build a tower to live in, and did speak to each other. The tower was called Babel, in the land of Shinar.
But this did not please God, for if people had language, they would be able to write better soap operas than the Trying of Nut Cluster.
So God knocked down the tower and made everybody stupid. And this is why soap operas suck.
And God's conscience spake up and said, it wasn't very moral for you to make everybody idiots.
And God said, don't worry, no harm will come of it.
And God's alternate personality spake unto God, and did say, you're a dumb arse.
And God did say, look, they're getting along perfectly!
And both God's conscience and God's alternate personality spake in chorus, and did say, they're all killing each other!
And God did shrug, and did say, oh well, and God went to work on God's soap opera.
And so, once again, time passed. And most of what happened was so unrelated and inconsequential it won't be set down here. And the grass grew, and the mountains eroded, and the forests grew, and then were chopped down by people foraging for wood, and the animals, including, but not limited to, elephants, and creepy dreeping things that creepeth around in the oceans and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and bats, and emus, and penguins, and humans, had sex, which was fun, and then had children, which was not fun, and their children had children, and their children's children had children, and so on and so forth until Moses was born, Amen, etc., etc.
Moses was born a child of Israel, whose name was actually Jacob. He changed it because Israel was much, much cooler than Jacob. And the Pharaoh, who was more than slightly paranoid and homicidal, did issue a decree that all male children of Israel be fed to the crocodiles. But Moses' mother did stick Moses in a basket and did chuck him into the river. And the wife of Pharaoh did pull him out. And since the child adoption laws were rather lax in the land of Egypt, she did make him her son.
And Moses did grow and did follow in the Pharaoh's footsteps and kill somebody. And though the Pharaoh was very proud, Moses was horrified and ran screaming into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little pansy.
And there Moses fulfilled his lifelong dream of being a domestic animal caretaker. And he dated the daughter of a domestic animal caretaker and did impregnate his girlfriend.
When he found out that she was with child, Moses fled screaming further into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little girl. Eventually Moses entered a clearing.
And in the clearing Moses did see an angel lighting fire to a bush for no apparent reason.
And Moses did say, why are you burning the shrubbery?
And the angel did not deign to answer but did knock Moses down and steal his shoes before flying away.
And Moses did walk barefoot to the bush of fire. But as he did move to use his fire extinguisher, God's voice did issue forth from the bush.
And God did say, don't put that out! An angel did light it, and it is blessed, and therefore it is holy.
And Moses did pose the question of, why is a holy being flying around committing acts of arson?
And God's alternate personality spake up, and did say, because he's a pyromaniac, that's why.
And God did say, shut the hell up! Now Moses, I AM THE LORD! And you shall obey my every command whether you want to or not.
And Moses did fall upon the ground and say, yes, my Lord.
God did say, correct! I AM THE LORD!
And God's alternate personality did say to Moses, in case you haven't notices, God's having an identity crisis.
And God did say, shut the hell up! For I AM THE LORD! Now go tell your friends that.I AM THE LORD!
And so Moses did run off, and did force his followers to believe in the Lord by using silly and inane nonlogic.
And so God did come down from the heavens to oversee a meeting of the Israelites, where they would praise God.
God was very excited because there would be a reading from God's holy soap opera.
And the meeting did begin, and Moses did read from the holy soap opera.
And Moses did read, I AM THE LORD, so sayeth our God.
And several members of the congregation, caught up in holy rapture, did repeateth what he had said, and did shout, I AM THE LORD.
And God did shout, blasphemy! And God merrily smote them with flaming bolts of justice, so that they were burned to ash in a matter of second with the time for only one agonized screech.
And God's conscience did God's conscience's head to protest, but God did knock back a shot, and God's conscience, already depressed and feeble from many years of being ignored, did give a weak gasp and fall into a coma.
More to come. Until then: "If one were to take the bible seriously, one would go mad.
But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad."
--Aleister Crowley
And Cane was so overwhelmed with the conflicting emotions that he let out a high-pitched squeak, for horror at his curse, and for gratefulness at not being roasted like an overdone chicken wing.
And God did hie back to the heavens, and Cane did get back to his home, and did set to work on a list, even as God did work on his soap opera, entitled, The Trying of Nut Cluster, for Nut Cluster was a low-level attorney who worked in a television court and often used hallucinogenic mushrooms and was involved in orgies. Nut Cluster wasn't a very good lawyer. It wasn't a very good soap opera either.
And so Cane did write a list of names, and it was long, and it was bad.
And so Cane did have more sons, and his sons had sons, and his sons' sons had sons, and so on and so forth until Noah was born, Amen.
And Noah's list of ancestors is as follows: Nimrod, and Bettle, and Shoe, and Cornwise, and Cereal Flakes, and Nut Cluster, and Almond, and Rznhsosl, and Oxhbacj, and Rumpelstiltskien, and Tqpmwil, and Ceikwyxaz, and Qpehuxzmc, and Xyz, and Zyxwvutsrqpomnlkjihgfedcba, and Bob, and Dijwycv, and Craniumnus, and Cynobactite, and Djon, and Chelicerate, and Flamingo, and Quetzal, and Albatross, and Podus, and Monoantennae, and Aquallitis, and Gonorrhea, and Hemophiliciusite, and Cotyledon, and Extra Heavy Aluminum Foil, and Thylakoid, and Cuddles the Teddy Bear, and Salinizatious, and Aftereffects of Atomic Testing, and Viggo, and Nitrate, and Deuteromycota, and Crop Rotation, and Cycad, and then was Noah born.
And God, angered at the suckiness of The Trying of Nut Cluster, decided to spontaneously destroy all of creation.
This was revealed to Noah over delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers.
And God spake unto Noah, and said, guess what?
And Noah did guess, and it was incorrect, for his answer was, giant radioactive fluffy pink bunnies are procreating in my backyard?
And God did say, no, and did take a sip of his delicious grape-kiwi wine cooler, and did say that God was planning to destroy all living organisms on earth.
And Noah did protest, even as God's conscience did protest. And so God did relent. And God told Noah to build a boat and fill it with animals, and sail off into the sunset before God smote the earth.
And so God smote the earth.
And Noah did so, and the earth was repopulated.
And so, once again, time passed.
And so the repopulated populace did become more intelligent, and did build a tower to live in, and did speak to each other. The tower was called Babel, in the land of Shinar.
But this did not please God, for if people had language, they would be able to write better soap operas than the Trying of Nut Cluster.
So God knocked down the tower and made everybody stupid. And this is why soap operas suck.
And God's conscience spake up and said, it wasn't very moral for you to make everybody idiots.
And God said, don't worry, no harm will come of it.
And God's alternate personality spake unto God, and did say, you're a dumb arse.
And God did say, look, they're getting along perfectly!
And both God's conscience and God's alternate personality spake in chorus, and did say, they're all killing each other!
And God did shrug, and did say, oh well, and God went to work on God's soap opera.
And so, once again, time passed. And most of what happened was so unrelated and inconsequential it won't be set down here. And the grass grew, and the mountains eroded, and the forests grew, and then were chopped down by people foraging for wood, and the animals, including, but not limited to, elephants, and creepy dreeping things that creepeth around in the oceans and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and bats, and emus, and penguins, and humans, had sex, which was fun, and then had children, which was not fun, and their children had children, and their children's children had children, and so on and so forth until Moses was born, Amen, etc., etc.
Moses was born a child of Israel, whose name was actually Jacob. He changed it because Israel was much, much cooler than Jacob. And the Pharaoh, who was more than slightly paranoid and homicidal, did issue a decree that all male children of Israel be fed to the crocodiles. But Moses' mother did stick Moses in a basket and did chuck him into the river. And the wife of Pharaoh did pull him out. And since the child adoption laws were rather lax in the land of Egypt, she did make him her son.
And Moses did grow and did follow in the Pharaoh's footsteps and kill somebody. And though the Pharaoh was very proud, Moses was horrified and ran screaming into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little pansy.
And there Moses fulfilled his lifelong dream of being a domestic animal caretaker. And he dated the daughter of a domestic animal caretaker and did impregnate his girlfriend.
When he found out that she was with child, Moses fled screaming further into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little girl. Eventually Moses entered a clearing.
And in the clearing Moses did see an angel lighting fire to a bush for no apparent reason.
And Moses did say, why are you burning the shrubbery?
And the angel did not deign to answer but did knock Moses down and steal his shoes before flying away.
And Moses did walk barefoot to the bush of fire. But as he did move to use his fire extinguisher, God's voice did issue forth from the bush.
And God did say, don't put that out! An angel did light it, and it is blessed, and therefore it is holy.
And Moses did pose the question of, why is a holy being flying around committing acts of arson?
And God's alternate personality spake up, and did say, because he's a pyromaniac, that's why.
And God did say, shut the hell up! Now Moses, I AM THE LORD! And you shall obey my every command whether you want to or not.
And Moses did fall upon the ground and say, yes, my Lord.
God did say, correct! I AM THE LORD!
And God's alternate personality did say to Moses, in case you haven't notices, God's having an identity crisis.
And God did say, shut the hell up! For I AM THE LORD! Now go tell your friends that.I AM THE LORD!
And so Moses did run off, and did force his followers to believe in the Lord by using silly and inane nonlogic.
And so God did come down from the heavens to oversee a meeting of the Israelites, where they would praise God.
God was very excited because there would be a reading from God's holy soap opera.
And the meeting did begin, and Moses did read from the holy soap opera.
And Moses did read, I AM THE LORD, so sayeth our God.
And several members of the congregation, caught up in holy rapture, did repeateth what he had said, and did shout, I AM THE LORD.
And God did shout, blasphemy! And God merrily smote them with flaming bolts of justice, so that they were burned to ash in a matter of second with the time for only one agonized screech.
And God's conscience did God's conscience's head to protest, but God did knock back a shot, and God's conscience, already depressed and feeble from many years of being ignored, did give a weak gasp and fall into a coma.
More to come. Until then: "If one were to take the bible seriously, one would go mad.
But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad."
--Aleister Crowley