"Forever"
Part Four in the "Reflections" Series
Short Story Based on the WB TV Series "Tarzan"
Song "Forever" sung by "The Red West"
by Sapphira
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Disclaimer: Don't own any of it… not the characters, the music, or the series in any form… I am making no profit off of this, or ANY of my other fanfics… I'm writing it purely for my own enjoyment, and hopefully for the enjoyment of some of the fellow fans.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it… just drop me a line and tell me where it is going… ;)
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Author's Note – This is the fourth part in an on-going series of mine, and is the sequel to "I'm With You", "Lies", and "Fallen"… Although all of these stories CAN be read as stand-alone pieces, I do hope that you will take the time and read all of them in order, if you have not done so already… Enjoy!
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Summary – "Michael's dead…And I have all these feelings that I've never had before. I pray that they'll stop… And then I'm glad when they don't." Based on Jane and Tarzan's thoughts at the ending of the third episode "Wages of Sin"… Part Four in the Reflections Series…
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"Forever"After dropping John off at his aunt's place, Jane headed home. Weaving her car in and out of the late afternoon traffic of New York City. Exhausted and once again, alone with her thoughts.
Today had been a triumph. A boy had been rescued from certain death, and had been reunited with his mother. And none of it would have happened, if it hadn't been for John's help.
She was beginning to understand now. It didn't matter what the situation was, or how much danger might be poised at him, John had a very powerful need to help others. And no matter what she said, there wasn't any way of changing that. He had to help people that he saw as being in pain, and he had to do it his way. It was like it was as natural to him as breathing, and she'd be lying if she tried to convince herself that she hadn't found that very… moving.
She just wished that he didn't have to risk himself so openly every time that he did so. She was trying everything she could think of to try and keep him safe, but this wasn't making it any easier.
But how could she tell him to stop? How could she ask him to ignore another's suffering, without feeling incredibly selfish, when he was capable of doing so much good?
Everyone else around her seemed to view John as too violent. Too dangerous. Too brutal... And she could agree with them. He was all of those things, she wasn't going to try and deny it… but only to those that threatened him or others. He would never harm someone who was innocent. He was so attuned to what another was thinking, to who they were inside, that he could never mistake their intentions. Everyone that he had fought, everyone that he had gone after and incapacitated, had deserved it. His uncle could say what he wanted to about John being out of control, vicious, and in need of physiological help – a savage, unpredictable animal that she should be afraid of – but if there was one thing that she did know after the turmoil of the last couple of weeks, if there was one thing left that she knew she could believe in without any doubt in her mind, was that John was not an animal… and he would never hurt her. It wasn't a concept that he was capable of understanding, much less following out.
He had always touched her with such heated tenderness. Always sought to protect her, placing his body between hers and potential danger, even when she was the one attempting to protect him. There was an intoxicating mixture of an almost child-like innocence, blending with an all too real grown man's desires, glittering in his startling blue eyes every time that he looked at her. Even after the events following Michael's death, he still looked at her as if she was his entire universe. His only reason for existing. How could she handle that? How could even contemplate turning that away, when everything inside of her was beginning to reflect those same emotions?
She was continually haunted by the memories of the first few times she had seem John. How every time, all of her thoughts, confusions, beliefs and inhibitions tended to fly right out the window… allowing her to be flooded by the sensations that he invoked in her. It wasn't just physical attraction. It was something more. Every time she saw him, it was like he saw a part of her that she had never revealed to anyone.
He touched something inside her, whether she wanted him to or not, and the sound of his voice, the scent of his skin, the heat of his body… they all triggered baffling yet intense emotions and sensations that she had never been forced to face before.
She thought that it would have died out after awhile. She had thought for sure that after Michael's death all of those feelings would have turned as cold as ice, leaving her numb and finally able to cope with the rest of the world around her.
She had been wrong, and that was what was frightening her now. That John could continue to throw her perfectly ordered life into such complete upheaval… and not even realize that he was doing it.
She had changed everything she had ever known about herself to be true… Had broken every code that she had chosen to follow in her life… and had even killed someone today in order to keep John alive.
When she had seen that gun pointed at him at the scrap yard, something inside of her had given way to such a heavy overwhelming feeling of dread, that it had filled her with an almost mind-numbing elemental fear that had left her cold and trembling. She had known then, that if she were to ever lose him in such a manner, something in her would shatter and she would be never recover.
To have him die… it would kill something inside of her, of that she knew for certain. But she had already figured that much out – to her everlasting shame – the night up on the rooftop when Michael had taken John with him over the edge.
In that moment she hadn't been thinking of just losing Michael. He wasn't the reason why he soul had cried out in terror. All she could think of, was that there was no way that she could survive the loss of both of them.
And that was a hard thing to forgive herself for… and she had taken that guilt out on John that morning after Michael's funeral.
But one thing that she had come to acknowledge in the days that followed, was the obvious revelation that she had been temporarily blinded to, was that she wasn't the only one hurting. She wasn't the only one blaming herself. John had believed himself responsible for Michael's death and her resulting pain. He had thought she had blamed him, but what else should he have thought, after the thoughtless accusation she had aimed at him that morning in her bedroom?
But he wasn't to blame, and it had made her heart ache when she had finally realized how much her words had struck him. She had never meant them to.
But she had apologized, and he seemed to have accepted that. They had re-established a mutual truce, and she had taken him back to Kathleen Clayton's home. His home now, if he'd only stay put.
So where did that leave her now?
More importantly… where did it leave them?
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His plan had been to once again escape into the darkness and shadows surrounding the city. Despite his inner turmoil and the wish to do what Jane had asked of him and remain in a place that she seemed to be convinced he was safe at, he had found himself consumed with the familiar desire to be free of the stifling atmosphere that indoor enclosures tended to provoke in him.
He had tried. He really had. But being forced to remain in a place like this tended to make him feel smothered. Choked. Trapped. He had to be out there in the night air, despite any threat that might be posed to him. He had to be where he could see and smell and hear everything. Experience the world around him with senses that apparently the passing of time and the growing of age had the rest of the human race forfeiting.
It was who he was, and the last remnant of his existence in another world that he held on to so tenaciously despite others' attempts to curtail it.
The need to be free to roam and explore and simply feel the world around him was not something that he would compromise on, like he seemed to be with almost everything else.
But once he had climbed up to the top of the building that was now supposed to be his home, and had then turned to study the dust covered window at his back, his plans had shifted, and out of curiosity, he had gone over to that window. A strange, niggling feeling of recognition feathering across some hidden recess of his mind as he had done so. Preparing the way for a flood of forgotten sensations and barely remembered images that were about to be unlocked after so many years of suppression.
//…What did I do wrong? Did your eyes just finally see…?//
And as he sat there, on the edge of a small bed that still held the faint scent of the boy he once had been so long ago, unfamiliar emotions rose to the surface. Causing him to struggle against their unusual presence as he was lost to the ancient, fractured memories of what it had been like to have a family. To have parents and a child-hood that he was soon to be robbed of so violently at the incredibly tender age of six.
//…Was it something I said… to make you walk away from me…?//
Sitting there, holding a pocket pillow with a tiny bear that was all at once familiar and alien, he gently rubbed the pads of his roughened fingers over the multi-colored fabric and brushed against the fuzzy fur of what had once upon a time been an obviously well loved stuffed animal.
//…Well maybe, Baby… this wasn't meant to be…//
Déjà vu rocked him. On one hand, it seemed like only yesterday that he had been here last. Preparing for a family excursion that he had spent many a sleepless night fantasizing about with only the imagination and innocence that a child was capable of. On the other, everything seemed different. As if his memories were nothing more than the by-products of imaginative dreams... Not a part of reality.
//…Forever isn't what you said… it was someone else's voice instead…//
Funny how it seemed so much smaller. How it had all changed. No, that wasn't right… It hadn't changed. He had changed. He was the one who was different.
//…Forever isn't what you meant… One breath away from time well spent… Together...//
And touching that stuffed bear with hands that were now large and hard and bruised, instead of small and slight and tender like they had been the last time they had held it close, he knew it wasn't a dream. It was all too real. It was the life, the child-hood, that had unknowingly been lost to him forever, when his parents had boarded their private plane and had taken him with them.
//…I should have known… Our time was winding down…//
Bypassing the many small paintings of wild animals that he had become far more knowledgeable about than most others could have realized, he left the small bed and the bear behind and explored freely. Running his hands over various toys and pieces of furniture. Feeling textures that were somehow familiar, even though he couldn't recall exactly why.
//…Just a happy stone… One throw from skippin' town…//
Coming to a bookcase, he studied the objects there. Reaching out for one in particular, but then stopping in mid-motion. His eye catching on something else entirely.
Brushing past the aged dust-covered and musty smelling sheet trying to hide its treasures from another's eyes, he reached into the back of the shelf, and pulled out the picture frame sitting there. A testament to that
same past that was now haunting him... A testament to what once had been.
//…Well maybe, Baby… this wasn't meant to be…//
Taking the edge of his shirt, he wiped off the film of passing years covering the surface of the polished glass, and studied the finished result.
//… Forever isn't what you said… It was someone else's voice instead…//
Staring down into the faces of those who had once, long ago, been his entire world, a hard lump formed in his throat and his eyes burned. Causing his vision to blur slightly.
Gently running his fingers over it, he touched the representative images of two people that were now long gone from this world, but still very much a part of him.
//…Forever isn't what you meant… One breath away from time well spent… No…//
Swallowing painfully, he pulled his gaze away from their smiling visage, and his eyes dropped to the young boy standing proudly in front of them. Their hands resting comfortably on his slight shoulders, as they all beamed back happily at the camera.
Seeing that picture once again brought to the surface with startling and painful clarity the horror and fear he had felt when his perfect, exciting, yet to be experienced – but well protected – promising world had turned into a horrifying nightmare that he would never awaken from. At least not until the jungle where he had been stranded had taken him, and breaking down the cushioned barriers of a child-like mind and innocence, had made him into something else entirely. Teaching him the skills necessary to survive in a world where its dominant species didn't wear clothes but fur. Living by primal codes based completely around instinct and survival… Not choosing to hide behind useless and harmful laws and the thin veneer of what they referred to as civilization.
//… Forever isn't what you said… It was someone else's voice instead…//
It was an honest existence that he had quickly come to learn and accept for himself. And he had been at peace with it. He had made the jungle his home, his entire world, and it had welcomed him with open arms as he had grown up at its heart.
//…Forever isn't what you meant… One breath away from time well spent…//
However, with the image of himself and his parents forever captured in the picture he held in his calloused hands, he remembered what that same jungle had also tried to make its adopted child forget... What that forced path in his life had stolen from him.
//…Well maybe, Baby… this wasn't meant to be…//
And that knowledge made something inside of him ache hauntingly.
//…Forever…//
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Jane felt like she was on automatic pilot as she finally stepped inside of her apartment. Shutting the door behind her. Hardly even acknowledging Nikki's presence who had come to sudden halt just a few feet away.
"Hey, I was just about to leave." She beckoned towards the door behind Jane for unnecessary emphasis.
Jane didn't reply as she walked past and into the living room. Going up to a small end table where she came to a stop and dropped off her keys. Hearing them clatter against the hard surface of the wood as they landed. She sensed more than saw Nikki turn to watch her. Frowning slightly in concern.
"Are you okay?"
Jane lifted her head some, but still didn't turn. Feeling so incredibly numb inside. She didn't even know where to start with that one. Was she ok? How could she even answer something like that?
"You need some time alone. " Nikki finally stated. Deciding what she believed to be the most obviously desired outcome of this one-sided conversation. And why shouldn't she? Jane knew all too well that she tended to instinctively push people away when she was going through a hard time. Tried to block it all out, and pretend that none of it mattered. Pretend that she was still in complete control and unaffected. It was a defense mechanism that those closest to her were rather familiar with.
"I understand."
No, she didn't. How could she, when even Jane didn't and couldn't hope to?
Nikki had been incredibly supportive throughout all of this, but she really didn't grasp the entire situation. At least not on the level of what Jane was experiencing. She had heard what her older sister had been through, and knew enough to know that Jane was enduring some really difficult stuff right now, but she still didn't know all of it. Jane didn't even know if she could even relay it properly and into the right words. Maybe that was one of the reasons why it was so hard for her right now. She'd never liked feeling as if she couldn't explain something. She'd never liked feeling as if a personal situation was completely out of her hands.
But she didn't want to be alone right now. Not tonight. Not with all of these emotions riding so close to the surface.
She sensed that Nikki had started to turn away, if albeit reluctantly – and the words just started to come.
"I've been lying to everyone I love." she blurted out. Eyes staring unseeingly into the polished wood grain of the table. She knew she's surprised her sister, who had had swung back around to stare at her.
"Michael's dead." she paused for a moment. Realizing that that was the first time she had actually heard – really heard – herself saying those words, and sensing the harsh finality of them. Her throat tightened a little, but she went on. Giving voice to what was, in her mind, her second greatest sin. "And I have all these feelings that I've never had before... I pray that they'll stop." She admitted. Brow furrowing as she shook her head slightly in disbelief of her own contradiction. "And then I'm glad when they don't."
Throat closing on her, she fell silent. Struggling for control as she took a few steps, and then turned to brace her hands up against the edge of that same table. Supporting her weight. She could see that Nikki had also moved forward a few steps. Uncertainty apparent in her expression and body language. She knew that her younger sister wanted to come to her, wanted to say something, but she was unsure if Jane would accept it, or if it would only make it worse. This was unfamiliar territory for both of them. Jane had always been the one in control. Always been the one to comfort. There had never been a reason for their roles to switch.
Until now.
Jane shook her head again. Feeling like she was about to shatter into a million pieces. "I feel like I used to have it all figured out. Work. Love. I knew all the answers."
Another heavy pause.
"So what's happening to me, Nikki?" There was agony in her voice now, as it broke upon that helpless question. Tears beginning to pool in her pain-filled eyes, as her emotions finally broke through and roared to the surface unexpectedly. Swamping her with everything that she had tried to hold back. Had tried to contain.
Nikki rushed forward, finally throwing caution to the wind as she abandoned her position and reached for her sister who seemed to feel as if everything else around her was falling apart.
"What's happening to me?" Jane asked again. The words tormented as the tears began to fall one after another. Clinging to her sister as she sobbed openly. Her body shuddering against their unforgiving force.
Nikki didn't reply. Feeling the prick of burning tears behind her own eyelids as Jane broke down crying. She didn't think she could have answered her sister even if she had wanted to. So she did the only thing she could…
She just held on.
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"So will you stay?"
He sat there on the edge of the balcony, the contained shield of warmth from the recently discovered atrium at his back, reminding him of home and the life he had had there… and then the city below him. Stretching out in front of him as far as he could see.
He heard the hope reflected in the woman who called herself Kathleen and his father's sister, and he turned to look at her. Watching as she smiled a little uncertainly back. Wind brushing the hair from her forehead, and revealing a pair of eyes that looked so familiar to him, yet he couldn't quite pin point the memory.
He turned back to look at the city. Eyes immediately seeking out one particular hidden section in which a small but well kept brick building stood. Housing the woman who had come to mean more to him then anything else.
He wanted to be with her. Close enough to her that he could smell her scent. Hear her heartbeat. Feel the warmth from her skin. When he was with her, he was free from the turmoil that was currently wracking his mind, and he felt soothed. At peace. It was not a sensation that had come easily to him since he had been taken by such brutal force from the jungle.
He was torn. Unsure of what to do. He wanted the strange and disconcerting emotions and sensations to quit. He didn't want to dwell any more on the past. It just caused his heart and head both to ache more and more painfully with every passing moment. And he knew that if he was with Jane, they would all go away… But he also knew that Jane wanted him to remain here, where he was determined 'safe', even though he wasn't too sure yet as to whether or not he agreed with her… He only felt safe when he was with her.
But there was part of him though, that now wanted to remain. He had no intention of going back down to the 'room' that Kathleen had expected him to stay in, now that he had found this place. Filled with the faded memories of an un-related young boy who would occasionally share his mind from time to time like the phantoms of decades' past.
But here though, were the images and thoughts of his parents… And he couldn't quite pull himself away from the promises that that offered him. A chance to be close to them, to feel them near. To live in the place that they had once called home. A place he had once called home, even though he had a hard time remembering such an event.
He turned back to look at the woman standing beside him.
He only remembered bits and pieces of what he had once had… but it was a life that he had once been a part of. Something that was now being offered back to him after almost twenty years of having been a nonexistent possibility.
And he had not the faintest idea what to do about it.
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Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this part! It was pretty intense writing, and I have to admit, that at first I wasn't sure if I was even going to finish it and include it in this series… But now I'm glad that I didn't scrape it, as I've become rather fond of it, and I hope you'll take a moment and let me know what you thought! The fifth part to the "Reflections" series entitled "Hollow" and based on the final scene in "Rules of Engagement", should be out VERY soon…