Caroline in Richard's Mother's Womb
Chapter 9
Caroline, Margaret, and Fred Duffy went out and sat at a table, outside but still on the grounds of the Givens Center. It was a beautiful late spring day. Caroline had undergone an amazing transformation in the month she had been in the facility. Gone was the haggard look she had when she had first entered. And although still slender, she had gained back most of the weight she had lost since she had started drinking heavily. Caroline no longer had that gaunt wraithlike appearance. Her mood also had brightened considerably. Not quite back to the always cheerful Caroline of before, she no longer walked around looking as if she were carrying a huge weight on her shoulders.
Caroline's mother started "Dear, I know we only planned for you to stay here for a month, and I know how much you're looking forward to going home with us, but Dr. Smith tells us the staff believes that you're not ready yet… But the decision's up to us. You know, honey, although it's expensive, we'll do whatever's best for you. We love you."
"That's right, Puddin'" her father added. "We can put off getting that new Buick for a couple of years. Chris also agreed to help if we need it."
Caroline was silent for the next couple of minutes.
"Please say something, dear" Margaret said.
Finally, Caroline spoke. "You know, if you would have asked me this a month ago, I would have been fighting you tooth and nail. I just didn't feel there was any hope… for anything… and the bottle was the only thing that gave me any comfort… Now I'm beginning to see that even if I can't reach my dreams, life is still worth living. I want my old life back, as much as I can get of it. I'm determined to try. But I know I'll have to learn to deal with my drinking problem, or I'll fail. So maybe it is better that I not go back to the real world for awhile, so that I can stay there once I do. And I promise you, if it takes the rest of my life, I'll pay you back."
"Don't you worry about that, Puddin'. We just want you to get better" Fred replied.
"Oh honey, we're so proud of you" Caroline's mother said, as the three of them began to hug.
******
One month later…
Alcoholics Anonymous is not just a group of people with a similar problem getting together to talk and offer each other support. It is also a specific twelve step program, dealing with the addict's outlook on life and strategies for dealing with his or her problems. Some never complete all aspects of all twelve steps, but the process of striving towards it aids recovery and the maintenance of sobriety. To gain control of your life, you have to take responsibility for it. One of the steps is to reach out to those around you that you have harmed because of your addiction, and apologize. Caroline had reached the point where she felt she was ready to attempt that step.
……
"I'll start with Charlie" thought Caroline as she dialed. "Hey Charlie. This is Caroline."
"Caroline…?"
"Caroline Duffy. Remember, you used to pick up comic strips and cards from me for Del?"
"Oh yeah. Hey Caroline! I'm sorry I got confused, it's just that I liked your name, so I named one of my pet cockroaches Caroline."
"Eww!" thought Caroline. "That's nice, Charlie. Uh… Charlie, how could a cockroach…? Oh, never mind… Uh, Charlie, I wanted to thank you for finding me when I was on the streets. I was in pretty bad shape, and it could have been a lot worse if you hadn't found me."
"No problemo, Caroline." Then Charlie chuckled "You were pretty stinkeroonie."
"Charlie, I also want to apologize. My drinking cost you your life savings and your job."
"That's okay. I don't miss the money, it's like I never had it. I didn't earn it, one day it appeared, the next day I put it into Eagle Greetings. As for the job, I have an even better one at Cassidy Greetings. I'm the lead delivery and office mail guy!"
"Congratulations, Char-…"
"Caroline, it's been great, gotta go. There's a "Beverly Hillbillies" marathon on, and the commercials just ended. Bye."
……
Before calling Del, Caroline recalled her hazy memories of the day, over eight months ago, that Eagle Greeting Cards went bankrupt…
- - -
Caroline was curled up on the living room couch, bottle in hand. She had been drinking steadily for over a day. Fortunately, when the phone rang, it was nearby on the chest, so it was easy for Caroline to pick up. "Hel-…lo?" she answered, he speech slurred.
"Caroline, this is Del. I wanted to make sure that you're there. I have something important I want to talk to you about. I'll be right over."
"O-…kay" Caroline replied. Her brain was also working slowly, but she knew she was scared. "Probably… bad… news. Don't… want… bad… news. I'll… hide." To Caroline, this made perfect sense.
Del arrived a little while later. He called out her name, but received no reply. He moved through the living room, kitchen, and bathroom, without finding her. When he searched upstairs and didn't find her, he started to get worried. He checked in the tub of the upstairs bathroom, under the bed, and finally found her in the closet under the stairs, curled up in a fetal position, clutching her bottle.
Del pulled Caroline up, so she was standing. "C'mon, Caroline. Let's get you over to the couch. I have something important to tell you." He tried to guide her to the couch, but she struggled out of his arms, and staggered there by herself. He sat on the living room chest, facing her.
"I'm sorry, Care. You've missed too many deadlines. Too many papers have dropped your strip. Too many shops have dropped our cards. We can't make it anymore. Eagle Greetings is going under" a downcast Del told Caroline. But Caroline's head was slumped over, her eyes nearly closed. He lifted her head. "Do you understand what I'm saying Caroline. We're broke. You have no more money coming in." Caroline weakly nodded her head.
Del shook his head. "Let's get you upstairs into bed. Why don't you put the bottle down?"
"No!" Caroline nearly yelled, and clutched the bottle to her bosom.
"Okay, okay" said Del. As he got up and left, he said "Sorry things have to end this way. I'll see you later."
Despite her state, Caroline had heard and understood what Del had said. She was scared. "I… need… drink" was her last thought.
- - -
"Hello Del. This is Caroline."
"Care! It's great to hear from you!" Del exclaimed.
"Del, I'm surprised you're happy to hear from me, after all I've done to you."
"Caroline, you're my friend… So, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing better, feeling better. I'm learning how to deal with things better… Del, I want to say I'm sorry about Eagle Greetings. I mean, I know that both you and Charlie lost money, but you're the one that put your heart and soul into it, and I let you down" she apologized.
"Caroline…" Del tried to interrupt.
"No, really Del! The one time you strike out on your own, and try to prove yourself, and I ruin it for you."
"Caroline – it's okay. Things worked out. I mean, things were rough at first. I had to beg my dad and sister for a job back at Cassidy. They put me through the wringer, to teach me a lesson. They hired back Charlie two weeks before they hired me. Even worse, they had me working under Charlie for a couple of weeks!" Del exclaimed.
Caroline started laughing "I'm sorry for laughing Del. I just got this image of you in rollerblades, making deliveries."
Del chuckled "Yeah, looking back, it's sorta funny now. Anyway, like I said, things worked out. After a couple of weeks, they kicked me upstairs. I'm not President anymore, but I'm VP under Vanessa. I make less money than before, but they're actually listening to some of my ideas now."
"I'm glad you're doing well, Del."
"It's good to hear from you, Care. Take care of yourself, huh?
"I will, Del. Thanks. Bye."
……
Caroline braced herself before calling Annie. She was more nervous about calling Annie than Charlie and Del, despite the fact that she had already spoken to Annie several times since entering Givens. But those were always fairly superficial conversations. Annie would ask how she was doing, Caroline would answer "fine", then they would chit-chat about trivial things, and gossip. Although Caroline hadn't caused the financial damage to Annie that she had to Charlie and Del, she had wounded her more deeply emotionally. Caroline remembered back nearly three months ago, to the last time she had seen Annie…
- - -
Caroline and Salty were at Annie's. They had been since Caroline had run out of money, and had to give up her apartment. Annie had taken her in, but had told her "Sure hun, you can stay here. But I'm warning you, I'd better not catch you drinkin', or I'll kick your ass out!" So she hadn't… caught her. In a major lifestyle change for her, Annie had removed all the liquor from her apartment. But it's amazing how creative a booze addled brain can get when it comes to getting and hiding liquor. Caroline had restrained herself, becoming only slightly tipsy, instead of falling down drunk, so that Annie wouldn't notice (or so she thought). Caroline switched to drinking vodka, which left no odor. To support her habit, Caroline had sunken to stealing from Annie – only small amounts, so that Annie, always somewhat scatterbrained, wouldn't notice. Annie had her suspicions though, and she laid a trap for Caroline, a month after moving in. She carefully counted the money in her "spare change" tray, and one day confirmed that some money was missing…
"Caroline, some money is missing from the tray. Did you take it?" Annie asked.
Trying to sound indignant, Caroline replied "Are you accusing me of being a thief?" After Annie didn't back down, and just stared at her, Caroline 'admitted' "You know what? I forgot, I think I did take some money, to buy something for around here."
"Yeah, like what?" Annie replied, dubiously.
"Like, uh… I don't remember now."
"Like, maybe that flask you've got hidden in the toilet tank? Or the liquor you bought to hide in the bottle of mouthwash?"
"Annie, please let me explain…"
Annie's tone changed from anger to sadness as she explained "I'm sorry Caroline. I gave you a fair warning. And it's not so much that you disappointed me. It's that you need someone to watch over you, and I can't be your mother. Maybe you should think about goin' back to Peshtigo, and staying with your folks."
"No, Annie, no! They can't know! Please don't tell them!" Caroline pleaded.
"Alright, alright. But you can't stay here. Why don't you go to a halfway house? They control the drugs and booze pretty tightly in those places. I could cover you for a few days, maybe some of your friends could chip in…"
"Annie, please!? I don't want to live in a strange place with strangers! Please let me stay. I promise I'll be good!"
"Sorry, Care, but I can't" Annie said firmly, her heart nearly breaking.
Caroline, frustrated and lubricated by liquor, displayed a vicious side never before seen. "Fine! Who would want to stay in this place?! It's a dump!!"
"Caroline!" Annie was astonished by her close friend's change.
Then Caroline wounded Annie as only a best friend could, taking the secrets, confidences, and deepest fears she had shared, and turning them against her. "You know what? You are gonna burn in hell for being such a slut!"
Annie was hurt, and warned her friend "Caroline, you'd better be careful. You don't wanna say something you'll regret later."
"You know what else? Being easy is the only way for you to attract men, your breasts are too small!"
"Get out!" Annie yelled, as she pushed Caroline outside, slammed the door, and started crying.
"Man, I need a drink" said Caroline, as she walked through the hallway and down the stairs.
- - -
"Hey Annie, it's Caroline" she greeted.
"Caroline? Why are you calling?" Annie answered.
"Can't a girl call her best friend just to talk, and not have to have a reason?" Caroline asked.
"Sure you can, hun. But it's just that I always call you. Don't they limit your calls out, since there's so many people wanting to use the communal phone?"
"Yeah, they do, Annie. But they make allowances for special purposes.
"So, somethin' special's going on? Spill" demanded Annie.
"Oh Annie, it's nothing, it's just that I wanted to say that I'm really, really, really, really, really, really sorry for lying to you, for stealing from you, for saying all those nasty things to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Sure sweetie… If you can't lie, steal from, and hurt your best friend, who can you lie, steal from, and hurt?" Annie joked.
"Oh Annie, I don't deserve you as a friend. You took me on those late night trips to the ER, you watched me go in and out of rehab, you let me stay at your place for a month, you've been taking care of Salty for three months, and all I ever did was hurt you. I really appreciate all you've done for me. By the way, how is my baby? She must think you're her mama now, you've been feeding her and changing her litter for so long."
"She's doing fine, Caroline. I'm sure she misses you, just like I do."
"Thanks, Annie."
"Hey hun, not that I don't appreciate everything you've said, but why now? Why are you apologizing now?" asked Annie.
"I should have done this anyway, Annie, but actually, this is part of the recovery process. Before you can getter better and move into the future, you have to face your past. I've already called Charlie and Del."
Annie thought about it and said "It's a good thing you're doing, hun. You watch, you'll be better and out of there in no time."
"Thanks Annie. Bye."
"Bye, sweetie."
……
"Just one person left" thought Caroline. But she couldn't bring herself to do it, calling Richard. The depth of her feelings for, and the way she had hurt him, prevented her from calling. And unlike the previous incidents she had just recalled, Caroline was perfectly sober the last time she had seen Richard. The memory of their parting was etched in her brain. Annie sometimes brought up Richard, but Caroline always changed the subject. She just wasn't ready. And Richard had never called the Givens Center. "God, he must still hate me" Caroline thought.
******
The next day, Annie called Richard. "Richie, it's Annie".
"Annie? Why are you calling? Is something wrong with Caroline?"
"Relax, Richie. Everything is okay" Annie answered.
"So why are you calling, Annie? I always call you to find out what's going on with Caroline. Did you sound her out again, see if she's ready to talk with me?" a curious Richard asked.
"No Richie. It's just that… oh, it's nothing, never mind" Annie realized too late that she shouldn't have called.
"You must have called for a reason, Annie. What is it?" an anxious Richard asked.
"Oh… it's just that… Caroline was doing this thing yesterday, calling her old friends and sayin' she's sorry. I was sure she'd call you, I just wanted to find out how it went."
A despondent Richard replied "She didn't call."
"Oh, well look at that, I'm late for a show. Nice talking with you Richie. Gotta go. Bye" Annie said as she quickly hung up the phone.
"Caroline called everyone but me" a downcast Richard thought. "God, she must still hate me."