Caroline in Richard's Mother's Womb
Chapter 12
It was getting to be near the end of the month, and Caroline had a decision to make: Pay for another month to stay at the halfway house, or try to make it on her own. She weighed the risks versus her desire to get out of the place. It's structure and discipline had made life simpler during the transition from Givens for the two months since she had returned to New York. But she could still attend AA and group therapy, even if she lived elsewhere, Caroline reasoned. She hadn't touched a drop of liquor for five months. The Zoloft antidepressant tablets and therapy had given her a better outlook on life, enabling her to better withstand the pressures of life. Besides, the pressure had lessened: work, though still a grind, had become easier as she achieved modest success. Her fear and guilt about facing her wronged friends had been put behind her. "Besides…" Caroline thought "…if I even think about drinking again, the Antabuse will make me sicker than a dog." Caroline remembered, back at Givens just before leaving, when they started her on the Antabuse regimen, then demonstrated its affect. They let her take just of sip of wine, and within ten minutes, Caroline had a pounding headache and nausea, which lasted for hours. "I think I'm ready" Caroline thought, and decided to take action the next day.
******
Around noon the next day, Annie appeared at Caroline's Cassidy Greeting Cards office. Richard saw her, and took the opportunity to needle her.
"Annie… what are you doing in this part of town? I thought you usually strolled around the docks, looking for sailors. Or have you decided to move uptown, and start working the conventions?"
"Listen, Count Karinsula, at least I don't have to bite somebody's neck off to get a little human contact. And for your information, I happen to be here to go out to lunch with Caroline."
Caroline grinned at the exchange. Her two best friends pretended to hate each other, but she knew better. "C'mon Annie. Let's go before it gets too crowded."
……
After ordering their meal, Caroline started a rehearsed speech. "Annie, I'd like to ask you for something, and you have every right to say "no", after what happened last time. I'd like to move in with you again at the beginning of the month. But this time, it wouldn't be charity, I'd be paying half the rent. I really don't want to spend every night with a bunch of strangers anymore. It's been helpful, but I can go anywhere for AA meetings. I've thought about this a lot, and I think I'm ready to move on."
"Oh hun. Are you sure?" Annie asked.
"Annie… I'm not sure of anything, anymore, but I think so. I haven't had a drink for five months, and I'm feeling a lot better. The antidepressants and therapy has really helped. Besides, I have a safety net" Caroline took a bottle of pills out of her purse and displayed them to Annie. "This Antabuse stuff really works. Five cents a day for these babies, and if I even see a drink, I get sicker than a dog. I even have to be careful that I don't accidentally rinse with a mouthwash containing alcohol… Besides, I really miss Salty." Caroline reached out and touched Annie's hand "Please?"
"Okay, sweetie. I'll make things as easy for you as I can, by throwing out all my booze again. But I can't be you mother. I won't be checking up on you, you have to keep yourself out of trouble. And if I smell even one drop of booze on your breath…" warned Annie.
"I know, Annie, I know."
"…You're out. And no fuss about it, 'cause you already agreed. And another thing… If you do fall off the wagon, and I kick your sorry ass out, no more staying out on the streets. You gotta promise me you'll go to someplace where I'll know where you are, and where people care about you and can look after you. I went through hell those two weeks you were out on the streets."
"I know, Annie. I'm sorry. I promise."
"Okay then, it's settled. You can move in next month… Look, food's here!"
******
During the next few weeks, Caroline's life settled into a pleasant routine.
At Annie's, the girls had a few initial spats. Caroline's Midwestern upbringing caused her to try to clean up every mess that Annie made, which drove Annie crazy. Finally, Annie put her foot down.
……
"Caroline, you're driving me crazy like Ma used to. Listen, in your own corner of the apartment, clean and organize to you heart's content. Everywhere else, leave it like it is. It may be a mess, but I know where everything is."
"Okay, Annie."
……
After that was settled, the girls got along great. During the week, Caroline worked days, and Annie, when she did work, worked nights. But on weekends, they went out together. Sometimes, Caroline even accompanied Annie to clubs or parties. Caroline wasn't looking to pick up a guy. The truth was, she did it more as a self-test, to see how she would fare in places where booze was available – knowing Annie would be watching her like a hawk, in case she stumbled. And Caroline re-bonded with Salty. She had missed Salty terribly, but Salty had been skittish at first. During her months of heavy drinking, Caroline had neglected and sometimes verbally abused poor Salty. But after a few days, Salty would purr whenever Caroline petted her, and rubbed up against her legs whenever she got home from work.
At work, things also seemed to be getting easier for Caroline. There was as much work to do as ever, but more and more newspapers and shops picked up "Caroline in the City" strips and cards, which eased her fears about getting laid off. And Richard… dark and cynical as ever, he was still a pleasure to work with. Responsible, a hard worker, and the most gifted colorist she'd ever had. And… maybe some day, more. Caroline found herself staring at Richard as he worked, quickly averting her gaze whenever he looked up. She kept telling herself that she wasn't ready for any relationship beyond friendship, and kept Richard at arms length.
******
At their Cassidy office, Richard was at the partners desk, sitting opposite Caroline. Richard had noticed Caroline wasn't her usual (when sober) cheerful self that day, and remarked "Caroline, you seem a little off. In fact, your color is off, you seem a bit jaundiced. Are you feeling well?"
"Now that you mention it Richard, I haven't been quite myself lately. It's probably just a mild touch of the flu or something, nothing serious. Thanks for your concern, though" Caroline answered.
……
That night, it was time for Caroline's daily Antabuse, her alcohol aversion pill. She had already taken the pill out, but that night, she hesitated and thought "I have been feeling poorly lately. Dr. Hope mentioned Antabuse might have side effects, and they seem to match the symptoms I've been having lately. Maybe I should skip a few days, see if the symptoms go away, see if it's the Antabuse that's causing the problem. Besides, I don't really need it, it's just a safety net in case my other defenses fail. I haven't had a drink in such a long time, and everything's going fine."
Caroline put the pill away.
……
Over the next few days, Caroline's symptoms receded, and her habit of taking Antabuse daily disappeared completely. Had she consulted, her physician probably would have told her to do exactly the same thing. Caroline's mistake though, was in not telling anybody about what she had done…
******
It was a Sunday night, Richard was in his apartment. Work was piling up, and Richard had decided (for once) to get in early on Monday, to try to get caught up. He needed some instructions from Caroline, and decided to call her at Annie's apartment.
"Hey."
"Hello, Annie. This is Richard. I need to speak with Caroline about work."
"Sorry Richie. She's not back yet."
"It's almost nine o'clock. The AA meeting breaks up at eight. She should be back by now" said Richard, a little worried.
"Oh, she's not at an AA meeting, she's out with… oh… uh… she's out."
"What do you mean Annie? It's Sunday night. She goes to her AA meeting every Sunday night."
"Uh… is it Sunday night? Oh, I'm sorry, I must've thought it was Saturday. She must just be a little late gettin' back from the meeting" lied Annie.
"Annie… Caroline has an AA meeting on Saturdays, too . It's every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday night."
"Uh… well Richie, don't pay any attention to me. You know me, they call me "scatter-brained Annie"."
"Annie, where is she?"
"She's just a little late gettin' back from the meeting, Richie. Honest."
"She's out with a man, isn't she?"
"No, Richie".
"I mean, she has every right to go out with someone. I mean, she's my boss, not my girlfriend. It's just that, she made a big deal about not seeing anyone, saying that she's not ready yet… Please, just tell me the truth, Annie."
"Richie, I'm tellin' ya…"
click
"Damn!" swore Annie.
……
"Caroline's with a man" Richard thought. With the left side of his brain, Richard thought that Caroline had a perfect right to be with whoever she wanted to be with. She and Richard were just friends, they just worked together. Yeah, it bothered him a little that she had misled him, but she probably had her reasons.
With the right side of his brain, Richard thought "Caroline's with a man!" This thought overpowered his more reasoned one. He just had to see it, had to see it for himself, see if it was true. Where would Caroline have gone? It was already almost nine, and if they had gone out to eat, most restaurants would close at ten. If he wanted to catch them before they went somewhere else ("No!" his brain screamed), Richard only had time to check out one guess, so he decided to try Remo's.
……
Richard arrived at Remo's, and peered inside through the window. There she was! And a man was with her! He appeared to be somewhat older, in his late thirties, and they both were dressed casually. Richard just stood and watched, mesmerized. They appeared to laugh at each other's jokes. They leaned into each other, appearing to share intimate secrets. At times, Caroline appeared to be sad, other times scared, and each time the man wrapped his arms around Caroline to comfort her. She seemed totally at ease with him. "This is no awkward first date. Caroline must have real feelings for this guy" Richard thought, as he sadly walked away.