Characters: Narcissus, Malfoy, Hermione, and maybe Ron and Harry.
Setting: Hogwarts
Plot: Sadly, none.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything having to do with Harry Potter. I don't own the song that Narcissus sings, that belongs to Disney and the creators of The Little Mermaid. I do own Narcissus. He's mine. All mine. Mwhahahahahaha! What? I don't really own Narcissus? He's a character in Greek mythology? Oh. Well, then, I don't own anything. *bursts into tears and runs away*
Author's Note: I wrote this with some help from my friends, Kristina and Elvenfarie. Various other friends helped with some of the shallow comments. This is just supposed to be a silly story. It is not meant to be serious or canon. Just have fun with it.
Random Thoughts on NarcissismI have lived my life by three concrete dogmas. First, always carry certain accessories: hair gel, a comb, and someone ugly. Why someone ugly? You look better by comparison. That's why I hang out with my cousin, Malfoy. Two, always be in sight of a mirror. I like to see myself at all times. Ever wonder why Malfoy's hair is so shiny? And for the last and most important, I look better than anyone else in here. It doesn't matter where I am. I always look fabulous. I smile at the reflection of myself in my goblet. I look good.
"Narcissus, guess what I just found out! Hermione likes you!" Malfoy squealed.
Who? Oh, that bushy-haired, big-toothed girl. She's not as good-looking as me. Then again, who is?
"This is perfect." Malfoy giggled insanely again, "Harry would go crazy if he knew you were dating Hermione."
Who? Harry? Oh, that one with the horrible scar across this head. He always looks like he didn't sleep with his head sealed in a special chamber to prevent bed-head. Savage.
"You'll have to pretend you like her back," Malfoy squealed again.
That was beginning to get really annoying. How the beautiful suffer. Wait. Is he really telling me I have to pretend to like her back? Ugh, I don't like girls. Girls like me. What is Malfoy thinking?
"Malfoy, I can't do that. I'm too handsome for anyone here."
"Narcissus, you have to help me! I need you!"
Doesn't he ever shut up? I have spoken. Doesn't he realize? Sometimes I just don't know what he's thinking. He still doesn't truly respect the hair.
Ahh, here comes Crabbe and Goyle. They are truly hideous-looking. It's good that they have the brains to make up for it. Those two are a couple of really smart guys. Well, I have to get out of this hall soon. Candlelight does absolutely nothing for my complexion.
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Sacra bleu, what is this?
How on Earth could I miss
such as sweet, little succulent ass.
I look at my butt in the mirror. It's so firm. I love it. I make kissy faces at myself. I look up at my idol, Gildory Lockhart, and bow to him as always before fixing my hair for the next five hours. Beauty is not pain; it's time. After I'm done with my hair, clothes, and makeup (don't laugh mascara greatly heightens the color of my eyes), I go down to the Great Hall.
"Hermione, how can you like Narcissus? He's so vain!" yelled an overly tall and freckled boy walking with Hermione and Harry.
Me? Vain? What's wrong with that? Shouldn't I be proud that no one has ever or will ever look as handsome as I do? No one understands me, but I guess that's understandable. I am a highly complicated and mysterious man.
Oh, look that first year has the prettiest bow in her hair. I wish I had a bow like that, but I know no one would ever give me one. See what I mean? Pretty mysterious.
"Ron, will you just leave me alone. Just because you don't like Narcissus doesn't mean I can't. Plus he is very good- looking," the girl with bushy hair said. What was her name again? Well, regardless, I like her. She obviously has taste. But then again, what girl doesn't like me? I catch girls starting at me all the time. I also catch Crabbe staring at me, that, however, always creeps me out. He always looks very strange when he stares. Not that he doesn't look strange anyway.
"Hermione, he's practically brain dead. Why would you want to go out with someone you need to teach how to use a quill?"
"Harry, I'm sure he knows how to use a quill," the bushy-haired girl spat back angrily.
"Really? Have you ever seen him use one?" The tall, freackly kid said back. Me? Use a quill? They must be joking. I've never picked up the contraption. It seems entirely too complicated. Anyway, they sometimes leave ink on your hands. Why would I want that? Maybe I should listen to people more often. They actually are very funny.
"No, but of course he knows how to use a quill. I'm sure he's not that stupid," the girl replied. Wow, this girl certainly expects a lot from her friends. Imagine having to know how to use a quill just to be friends with some buck-toothed girl. My heart went out to those two poor boys. It must be so difficult for them.
"Bet you a galleon he doesn't," said the red-haired freak. This conversation was beginning to bore me. No one had said a thing about my hair in minutes. These people were positively boring. I think I'll take a walk around the lake. It's so peaceful, being able to see my reflection in the lake.
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Ahh, I love the lake. I can see myself here. And there. And here. It's so wonderful. No other place is like it. That is, of course, except for Malfoy's hair. I lean down to stare at myself in the water. I am so beautiful. I just don't know how I can stand it sometimes. It really is a miracle that anyone can look this good. Positively a miracle, I tell you. Maybe I'll just skip my next class and stay at the lake. Classes are so useless anyway. None of them teach you anything important, like how to style your hair or find makeup to match your skin tone. I don't see why everyone thinks that they're so necessary. Wow, I really am the most handsome man in the world. I stare at myself some more. What is this? Something is interrupting my reflection? Who would dare interrupt my reflection? Eww, it's a positively disgusting thing with tentacles and huge, bugling eyes. I'm sure it will go away as soon as it sees how inferior it is to me. I'll just go back to staring at myself.
What? What's that pulling at my arm?
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"Did you hear about that kid at the lake?"
"No, what happened?"
"No one knows exactly. But I heard that really cute boy was cutting class and hanging out by the lake, but when class ended no one could find him. They still haven't, and he's been missing since yesterday morning. They don't think anyone's ever going to find him."
"Wow, and he was really handsome too."
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Please, please, please review!!!! This is my first fic so I really would appreciate it if you reviewed, even if it is to flame me. REVIEW!!!^_^