Chapter 32 - The Damage Done
Sorry about two almost cliff hangers in a row, but do you really think I would let him die? REALLY? Well maybe, but not in this fic, perhaps *evil grin* You will just have to wait and see! Really though, I must apologise for leaving you guys hanging again. It wasn't my intention, it just happened to end up that way. As for the black bird, you will have to wait for 2 more chapters to find out for sure!
So to make up for the cliff hanger, here is the next chapter - already! At this rate it will be finished by the end of next week, if not earlier. I can tell you it is much easier having the story finished and posting than trying to write and post chapter by chapter. It takes all the pressure off, now I just have to find a little time to polish each posting and that is far easier than finding a large chunk of time to write a whole chapter.
Anyway, as always, I am grateful for your reviews. I find it hard to believe that I have created such a story. I am proud of this - it is the first thing that I have ever written for an audience, and the thought that there are wonderful people out there who like this blows me away.
Thank you all.
Please enjoy and review if you wish.
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Jane burst through the door to the infirmary, and searched, desperately for the nurse. "Excuse me Ma'am, please come with me. Severus is ill."
Looking up, the nurse noticed that Jane was pale and shocked. Standing before her in nothing more than a nightgown, feet bare on the cold stone floor, Pomfrey was equally concerned about the child's health - she must have been freezing. "Where is he?"
"In his chambers Ma'am. He was coming to say goodnight, then he just groaned and fell to the floor. You have to help him, please come quickly."
"Of course, of course Jane." Pomfrey stood, and smiled at her ex-patient , before moving to a cupboard and removing a cloak. "Here, put this on first or you will freeze."
Accepting the cloak gratefully, and glad of the warmth it offered, Jane drew it around her. "Now, please can we go?"
"Yes dear." Pomfrey led the way from the Hospital wing, back to the Potions Master's chambers, wondering just what type of damage his tenure as a spy had inflicted upon his long suffering body this time, worried that one day she would arrive too late to be of any real use.
The pair made their way to the dungeons where the door to Snape's chambers opened automatically to admit his small charge and the nurse. Pomfrey was surprised by Snape's suddenly lax security, but then she remembered that Jane was living with him and would have to be given some sort of freedom of movement. Still, the change surprised the nurse - given his position as a spy, Snape's security was generally as tight as it came.
Entering the austere chambers, the nurse followed Jane into her room where she found Snape lying on the floor, eyes closed, skin pale and breathing shallow and rapid. It was clear that he was in shock.
Jane moved quickly to him and fell to her knees on the floor, pulling him into her arms. "Severus, we're here." She stroked his face gently.
Opening his eyes, Snape looked up, still barely maintaining his grip on consciousness. "Good girl," he sighed; relieved she had returned so quickly.
Pomfrey joined the pair on the floor. "Severus, what have they done to you? Where does it hurt?" She asked, waving her wand over his body.
"Everywhere," he breathed.
"So I see," the nurse said disapprovingly. "I am surprised you made it through dinner given the seriousness of your injuries. They are even worse because some of your previous injuries weren't properly healed. Don't tell me you have been using that damn potion of yours. I've warned you about that." She chided gently.
"Alright, I won't tell you then."
"Severus!" The witch admonished. "I've told you about that potion more times than I can count. It is very good, but shouldn't be used for serious injuries because it only masks any damage that has been done by hiding the symptoms." The nurse sighed then softened her tone not wishing to harass the injured man. "Now do you believe me?"
"Yes."
"Does it matter?" Jane asked suddenly, angry that nothing was being done to help him.
"Jane! Don't be rude." Snape admonished weakly.
Jane hung her head. "I'm sorry." She apologised, suitably chastised.
The nurse smiled gently, nodding her acceptance before returning her attention back to Snape. "Don't worry Severus. You will be fine," she assured, "but first we have to get you off the floor to the hospital wing where I can take proper care of you. Jane, would you mind releasing your hold on the Potions Master?"
Jane looked unsure, unwilling to allow him to lie on the floor unsupported.
He nodded at her and nodded is approval. "It will be all right."
Reluctantly, she released his body, and stood up. Stepping away, she watched as the nurse levitated him onto the bed. Sometimes Jane wished she had magic so she could help him when he needed it, like right now.
**********
Jane sat by the bedside of the unconscious Potions Master. She didn't move. She hadn't moved from the moment he had arrived much to the Nurse's concern. He had been in her care for 10 hours and the girl had spent the whole time at his bedside, holding his hand. "Jane, you should go and get some rest or you will end up sick again too."
"Thank you, no. I will be fine."
"Jane, please."
"I said no. I will stay." She answered adamantly.
Pomfrey looked at the small child, wondering why she was being so stubborn. "Jane, what's wrong? You trust me don't you?"
Jane nodded.
"So why don't you go and get some rest? I will call you as soon as he wakes up. Look, you can even use this bed if you like." The Nurse stood by the bed next to that of the Potions Master's.
"No, I am staying here."
Pomfrey recognised that there was more to Jane's stubbornness than she was saying. "What's wrong Jane? What is bothering you dear?"
Jane looked at the kindly woman and decided she could tell her. After all, she knew about a lot of other stuff she hadn't told anyone, not even Severus. "I can't leave. You have to promise me you won't tell him why if I tell you."
When Jane got the required promise, she continued. "When my mum had the accident, I stayed with her in the hospital and talked to her. She didn't respond but I knew she could hear me. They said that machines were keeping her alive, but I didn't believe them. I knew that as long as I stayed there she would stay alive for me. She was getting better, I know she was."
Jane wiped the tears away that were starting to shine in her eyes. "Then one day they made me go home with my dad, he actually dragged me away. I kicked and screamed that I wanted to stay, but he still dragged me away, and the next day the hospital rang and she was dead." Jane explained in a small voice. "If I had of just stayed with her she would have been alive, I know it. I won't leave Severus."
Pomfrey looked at the small girl, stricken, horrified at what she had been subjected to. The thought that she could have saved her mother if she had just been with her was simply ludicrous, unless of course she had been assisted in her death; and the thought that she had been allowed to live with the idea that she was somehow responsible for her death simply because she had left her side was scandalous. Her father truly deserved the most terrible punishment for the trauma he had put the girl through, and that was before the rest of his actions were taken into account.
The nurse nodded, understanding, "Alright, you can stay, but if you get tired, please lie down and rest. Nothing will happen with you in that bed, you will be close enough for him to know you are there. I promise."
Jane desperately wanted to believe the nurse; her eyes were terribly heavy from lack of sleep. She looked longingly at the bed. If only she could rest a while. no, she didn't dare. What if he needed her? But she was so tired.. No, she would wait for him to wake up before she slept. That way he would know that she hadn't deserted him.
**********
Snape awoke to the smells of the Hospital wing and groaned. Yes, he remembered collapsing in the girl's room. Awareness growing, as the last of his haziness wore off, he realised that there was someone holding his hand. Opening his eyes, he saw the sleep filled face of his ward. She looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Reflecting on that, he realised that she may very well not have. How long had he been unconscious? "Jane." He breathed.
"Severus!" Jane exclaimed, suddenly wide awake; the sleep that had been tormenting her suddenly gone with his return to consciousness.
He smiled. "You're tired. Climb in here." He opened his arms and felt her small warm body settle gently next to his. They both easily fit in the hospital bed. Comforted by the girl's presence, he closed his eyes, a look of sweet fulfilment on his face. Exhausted, but finally happy he would be all right; Jane too, fell into a restful sleep.
Madam Pomfrey found them like that, cocooned together, when she arrived to check on her most troublesome patient. She smiled at the sight of the two of them, both equally damaged by traumatic childhoods, resting so comfortably in one another's arms. Perhaps, she thought, there was still hope for them to find happiness.
Outside in the darkness, unnoticed, the black bird that had, of recent times, been a constant voyeur, watched, even more interested in the way events were unfolding.
**********
Jane awoke to the gentle sound of a person breathing behind her. Briefly she stiffened, old habits dying hard, until she remembered that she was no longer in danger. It was Severus sleeping behind her, his arm around her shoulders in a gentle embrace. She needed to move though, her body was slightly stiff from its unorthodox sleeping position, and as she moved the body holding her stirred.
He held her tighter. "Where do you think you are off to young lady?"
Jane rolled around until she was looking at him. "I need to move around a bit, I am all stiff."
Snape released her and she moved away, stretching. "How do you feel?" She asked, looking at him concerned.
"Better than I did. I am sorry if I frightened you."
"IF? What do you mean IF?"
Realising how worried she had been, Snape felt remorseful. "I am sorry, truly sorry. I should have told you I was going, and that I was injured when I returned."
"No. You shouldn't have gone." Jane asserted.
Snape sighed and looked at the girl. "Now Jane, you have to understand how important what I do is."
That made Jane angry, memories of her mother still strong in her mind, and she glared at him. "Right, that would be it. You said it yourself; he knows you are a spy. What information did you get this time? None. But he did nearly kill you. I can't believe you are being so careless with your life." She responded vehemently.
"Jane, what on earth is the problem?" Snape asked confused and too weak to figure out what her problem was for himself. "You know I have to do this." He didn't really have the energy to argue with the girl, nor did he wish to.
"You have to because Dumbledore says you must?"
"That is partly true, Dumbledore does wish it, but there are other reasons too."
"Well it isn't good enough. What about me? Have you thought about that? What happens to me if you are killed? What then? Back onto the streets is it? Or worse, do I get to stay here and face whatever the likes of students like Draco Malfoy dream up, without your protection?" Jane didn't really care what happened to her if he died, that really wasn't the issue, but she hoped that by bringing it up, he might feel guilty enough about allowing himself to be hurt to stop his foolishness.
Snape looked at her pained expression and it had its intended effect, he briefly considered telling her of her relationship to Dumbledore, to ease her fear at being deserted, but he discounted the idea given Jane's apparent dislike for the older wizard. "Jane, I'm sorry. It won't leave you like that again."
"You won't go next time he calls?" She asked, almost excited.
"I can't promise that but I will promise to try, at least, to find you and tell you."
"Not good enough." Jane moved quickly away.
"Jane, please." Snape reached out, trying to pull the girl towards him, but the effort caused him to wince as pain shot through him.
Jane turned when she heard his sharp intake of breath, and noticing the pain on his face, she moved quickly to his side, angry with herself for causing him more pain. Like he didn't already have enough to deal with! "Severus, I am sorry I was angry. Please don't get upset. I just find it hard to understand why it is so important for you to go if he isn't telling you anything."
Snape sighed; perhaps it was time to explain just why he had to continue in the role of spy. "I have to go because I made a foolish mistake when I was a young man, and no matter what I do, I will never be able to escape that. That is why I go," he continued. "Not because the Headmaster asks me to, but because of the mark on my arm and in my soul. I gave myself to him when I was younger, and I will never be free of him, no matter how much I may wish it otherwise."
The admission was a painful one for Snape to make. He had never said those words before. Suddenly he realised how futile his efforts to escape had been. The Dark Lord would never release him from his commitment - at least one of them would be dead before that would ever happen. It wasn't hard to figure out which of them would be dead either. He knew it was only a matter of time, given the Dark Lord's increasingly aggressive punishment. He would be surprised if he returned again.
"You promised yourself to him?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Snape thought about that. The real reasons had almost been lost over time until damned Potter had brought it all back by snooping around in the pensive during his occlumency lessons the previous year. "I guess it was to escape what I saw as my useless life. Like you, my childhood was far from perfect, and when I arrived here as a student I was different, and suffered as a consequence. Voldemort offered power and the opportunity for revenge, the opportunity to repay those that had made my life such a misery. I never imagined what making that commitment to him would cost me in the long run."
"Well, I guess you regret that choice now don't you." Jane stated bluntly.
"You could say that." Snape thought she had a special talent for stating the obvious.
Sorry about two almost cliff hangers in a row, but do you really think I would let him die? REALLY? Well maybe, but not in this fic, perhaps *evil grin* You will just have to wait and see! Really though, I must apologise for leaving you guys hanging again. It wasn't my intention, it just happened to end up that way. As for the black bird, you will have to wait for 2 more chapters to find out for sure!
So to make up for the cliff hanger, here is the next chapter - already! At this rate it will be finished by the end of next week, if not earlier. I can tell you it is much easier having the story finished and posting than trying to write and post chapter by chapter. It takes all the pressure off, now I just have to find a little time to polish each posting and that is far easier than finding a large chunk of time to write a whole chapter.
Anyway, as always, I am grateful for your reviews. I find it hard to believe that I have created such a story. I am proud of this - it is the first thing that I have ever written for an audience, and the thought that there are wonderful people out there who like this blows me away.
Thank you all.
Please enjoy and review if you wish.
*************************************************************
Jane burst through the door to the infirmary, and searched, desperately for the nurse. "Excuse me Ma'am, please come with me. Severus is ill."
Looking up, the nurse noticed that Jane was pale and shocked. Standing before her in nothing more than a nightgown, feet bare on the cold stone floor, Pomfrey was equally concerned about the child's health - she must have been freezing. "Where is he?"
"In his chambers Ma'am. He was coming to say goodnight, then he just groaned and fell to the floor. You have to help him, please come quickly."
"Of course, of course Jane." Pomfrey stood, and smiled at her ex-patient , before moving to a cupboard and removing a cloak. "Here, put this on first or you will freeze."
Accepting the cloak gratefully, and glad of the warmth it offered, Jane drew it around her. "Now, please can we go?"
"Yes dear." Pomfrey led the way from the Hospital wing, back to the Potions Master's chambers, wondering just what type of damage his tenure as a spy had inflicted upon his long suffering body this time, worried that one day she would arrive too late to be of any real use.
The pair made their way to the dungeons where the door to Snape's chambers opened automatically to admit his small charge and the nurse. Pomfrey was surprised by Snape's suddenly lax security, but then she remembered that Jane was living with him and would have to be given some sort of freedom of movement. Still, the change surprised the nurse - given his position as a spy, Snape's security was generally as tight as it came.
Entering the austere chambers, the nurse followed Jane into her room where she found Snape lying on the floor, eyes closed, skin pale and breathing shallow and rapid. It was clear that he was in shock.
Jane moved quickly to him and fell to her knees on the floor, pulling him into her arms. "Severus, we're here." She stroked his face gently.
Opening his eyes, Snape looked up, still barely maintaining his grip on consciousness. "Good girl," he sighed; relieved she had returned so quickly.
Pomfrey joined the pair on the floor. "Severus, what have they done to you? Where does it hurt?" She asked, waving her wand over his body.
"Everywhere," he breathed.
"So I see," the nurse said disapprovingly. "I am surprised you made it through dinner given the seriousness of your injuries. They are even worse because some of your previous injuries weren't properly healed. Don't tell me you have been using that damn potion of yours. I've warned you about that." She chided gently.
"Alright, I won't tell you then."
"Severus!" The witch admonished. "I've told you about that potion more times than I can count. It is very good, but shouldn't be used for serious injuries because it only masks any damage that has been done by hiding the symptoms." The nurse sighed then softened her tone not wishing to harass the injured man. "Now do you believe me?"
"Yes."
"Does it matter?" Jane asked suddenly, angry that nothing was being done to help him.
"Jane! Don't be rude." Snape admonished weakly.
Jane hung her head. "I'm sorry." She apologised, suitably chastised.
The nurse smiled gently, nodding her acceptance before returning her attention back to Snape. "Don't worry Severus. You will be fine," she assured, "but first we have to get you off the floor to the hospital wing where I can take proper care of you. Jane, would you mind releasing your hold on the Potions Master?"
Jane looked unsure, unwilling to allow him to lie on the floor unsupported.
He nodded at her and nodded is approval. "It will be all right."
Reluctantly, she released his body, and stood up. Stepping away, she watched as the nurse levitated him onto the bed. Sometimes Jane wished she had magic so she could help him when he needed it, like right now.
**********
Jane sat by the bedside of the unconscious Potions Master. She didn't move. She hadn't moved from the moment he had arrived much to the Nurse's concern. He had been in her care for 10 hours and the girl had spent the whole time at his bedside, holding his hand. "Jane, you should go and get some rest or you will end up sick again too."
"Thank you, no. I will be fine."
"Jane, please."
"I said no. I will stay." She answered adamantly.
Pomfrey looked at the small child, wondering why she was being so stubborn. "Jane, what's wrong? You trust me don't you?"
Jane nodded.
"So why don't you go and get some rest? I will call you as soon as he wakes up. Look, you can even use this bed if you like." The Nurse stood by the bed next to that of the Potions Master's.
"No, I am staying here."
Pomfrey recognised that there was more to Jane's stubbornness than she was saying. "What's wrong Jane? What is bothering you dear?"
Jane looked at the kindly woman and decided she could tell her. After all, she knew about a lot of other stuff she hadn't told anyone, not even Severus. "I can't leave. You have to promise me you won't tell him why if I tell you."
When Jane got the required promise, she continued. "When my mum had the accident, I stayed with her in the hospital and talked to her. She didn't respond but I knew she could hear me. They said that machines were keeping her alive, but I didn't believe them. I knew that as long as I stayed there she would stay alive for me. She was getting better, I know she was."
Jane wiped the tears away that were starting to shine in her eyes. "Then one day they made me go home with my dad, he actually dragged me away. I kicked and screamed that I wanted to stay, but he still dragged me away, and the next day the hospital rang and she was dead." Jane explained in a small voice. "If I had of just stayed with her she would have been alive, I know it. I won't leave Severus."
Pomfrey looked at the small girl, stricken, horrified at what she had been subjected to. The thought that she could have saved her mother if she had just been with her was simply ludicrous, unless of course she had been assisted in her death; and the thought that she had been allowed to live with the idea that she was somehow responsible for her death simply because she had left her side was scandalous. Her father truly deserved the most terrible punishment for the trauma he had put the girl through, and that was before the rest of his actions were taken into account.
The nurse nodded, understanding, "Alright, you can stay, but if you get tired, please lie down and rest. Nothing will happen with you in that bed, you will be close enough for him to know you are there. I promise."
Jane desperately wanted to believe the nurse; her eyes were terribly heavy from lack of sleep. She looked longingly at the bed. If only she could rest a while. no, she didn't dare. What if he needed her? But she was so tired.. No, she would wait for him to wake up before she slept. That way he would know that she hadn't deserted him.
**********
Snape awoke to the smells of the Hospital wing and groaned. Yes, he remembered collapsing in the girl's room. Awareness growing, as the last of his haziness wore off, he realised that there was someone holding his hand. Opening his eyes, he saw the sleep filled face of his ward. She looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Reflecting on that, he realised that she may very well not have. How long had he been unconscious? "Jane." He breathed.
"Severus!" Jane exclaimed, suddenly wide awake; the sleep that had been tormenting her suddenly gone with his return to consciousness.
He smiled. "You're tired. Climb in here." He opened his arms and felt her small warm body settle gently next to his. They both easily fit in the hospital bed. Comforted by the girl's presence, he closed his eyes, a look of sweet fulfilment on his face. Exhausted, but finally happy he would be all right; Jane too, fell into a restful sleep.
Madam Pomfrey found them like that, cocooned together, when she arrived to check on her most troublesome patient. She smiled at the sight of the two of them, both equally damaged by traumatic childhoods, resting so comfortably in one another's arms. Perhaps, she thought, there was still hope for them to find happiness.
Outside in the darkness, unnoticed, the black bird that had, of recent times, been a constant voyeur, watched, even more interested in the way events were unfolding.
**********
Jane awoke to the gentle sound of a person breathing behind her. Briefly she stiffened, old habits dying hard, until she remembered that she was no longer in danger. It was Severus sleeping behind her, his arm around her shoulders in a gentle embrace. She needed to move though, her body was slightly stiff from its unorthodox sleeping position, and as she moved the body holding her stirred.
He held her tighter. "Where do you think you are off to young lady?"
Jane rolled around until she was looking at him. "I need to move around a bit, I am all stiff."
Snape released her and she moved away, stretching. "How do you feel?" She asked, looking at him concerned.
"Better than I did. I am sorry if I frightened you."
"IF? What do you mean IF?"
Realising how worried she had been, Snape felt remorseful. "I am sorry, truly sorry. I should have told you I was going, and that I was injured when I returned."
"No. You shouldn't have gone." Jane asserted.
Snape sighed and looked at the girl. "Now Jane, you have to understand how important what I do is."
That made Jane angry, memories of her mother still strong in her mind, and she glared at him. "Right, that would be it. You said it yourself; he knows you are a spy. What information did you get this time? None. But he did nearly kill you. I can't believe you are being so careless with your life." She responded vehemently.
"Jane, what on earth is the problem?" Snape asked confused and too weak to figure out what her problem was for himself. "You know I have to do this." He didn't really have the energy to argue with the girl, nor did he wish to.
"You have to because Dumbledore says you must?"
"That is partly true, Dumbledore does wish it, but there are other reasons too."
"Well it isn't good enough. What about me? Have you thought about that? What happens to me if you are killed? What then? Back onto the streets is it? Or worse, do I get to stay here and face whatever the likes of students like Draco Malfoy dream up, without your protection?" Jane didn't really care what happened to her if he died, that really wasn't the issue, but she hoped that by bringing it up, he might feel guilty enough about allowing himself to be hurt to stop his foolishness.
Snape looked at her pained expression and it had its intended effect, he briefly considered telling her of her relationship to Dumbledore, to ease her fear at being deserted, but he discounted the idea given Jane's apparent dislike for the older wizard. "Jane, I'm sorry. It won't leave you like that again."
"You won't go next time he calls?" She asked, almost excited.
"I can't promise that but I will promise to try, at least, to find you and tell you."
"Not good enough." Jane moved quickly away.
"Jane, please." Snape reached out, trying to pull the girl towards him, but the effort caused him to wince as pain shot through him.
Jane turned when she heard his sharp intake of breath, and noticing the pain on his face, she moved quickly to his side, angry with herself for causing him more pain. Like he didn't already have enough to deal with! "Severus, I am sorry I was angry. Please don't get upset. I just find it hard to understand why it is so important for you to go if he isn't telling you anything."
Snape sighed; perhaps it was time to explain just why he had to continue in the role of spy. "I have to go because I made a foolish mistake when I was a young man, and no matter what I do, I will never be able to escape that. That is why I go," he continued. "Not because the Headmaster asks me to, but because of the mark on my arm and in my soul. I gave myself to him when I was younger, and I will never be free of him, no matter how much I may wish it otherwise."
The admission was a painful one for Snape to make. He had never said those words before. Suddenly he realised how futile his efforts to escape had been. The Dark Lord would never release him from his commitment - at least one of them would be dead before that would ever happen. It wasn't hard to figure out which of them would be dead either. He knew it was only a matter of time, given the Dark Lord's increasingly aggressive punishment. He would be surprised if he returned again.
"You promised yourself to him?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Snape thought about that. The real reasons had almost been lost over time until damned Potter had brought it all back by snooping around in the pensive during his occlumency lessons the previous year. "I guess it was to escape what I saw as my useless life. Like you, my childhood was far from perfect, and when I arrived here as a student I was different, and suffered as a consequence. Voldemort offered power and the opportunity for revenge, the opportunity to repay those that had made my life such a misery. I never imagined what making that commitment to him would cost me in the long run."
"Well, I guess you regret that choice now don't you." Jane stated bluntly.
"You could say that." Snape thought she had a special talent for stating the obvious.