Caroline in Richard's Mother's Womb

Chapter 17

Caroline entered the Cassidy Greeting Cards office that she and Richard shared with a contented grin.

"Hey Caroline. How was Jennifer's office baby shower?" Richard asked without looking up from his work, not really interested in the answer.

"It was wonderful Richard. You should have seen the cute little gifts…" Caroline's voice trailed off when she noticed Richard grimacing for an instant as he continued to work. "…But we should really get back to work. We're really busy."

"Oh, thank god" thought Richard.

Despite that, Caroline's mind wandered back to babies a few minutes later. "Richard, did you ever wonder what it would be like to have kids?"

"No. Thank god I won't ever have to worry about that."

"What? You mean you never want to have any kids?"

"Not really" Richard replied without thinking.

"Oh" said Caroline, who became silent for several minutes.

Although he enjoyed working in silence, after awhile, the lack of chatter signaled to Richard that something was bothering Caroline. He wracked his brain to remember the last thing that was said. "Caroline, when I said I didn't want children, what I meant was, if it was my choice alone, I wouldn't have any. But, of course, that's a decision a couple makes together. If I really loved someone, and she really wanted babies, I'd have to at least consider it. At least one, anyway, then we'd see how it went. I mean, the reason I don't want any kids is because I remember my childhood. Why have a child, just to expose it to all that pain? But I suppose, if a man and a woman really loved each other, it wouldn't necessarily have to be that way."

Inwardly, Caroline smiled at Richard's last remarks.

******

Caroline stood at the front of a rec center in a neighborhood park. There was a small crowd, sitting on aluminum folding chars, facing forward. Richard sat, trying to be inconspicuous, in the back.

"Hi. My name is Caroline. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Caroline" the small crowd voiced in unison.

"I woke up this morning wanting a drink. I wanted a drink, like I have wanted a drink every morning for the past two years. Like I will want a drink every morning for the rest of my life. But this morning…"

……

Caroline and Richard were walking back, hand in hand, to his apartment from the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

"Thank you for coming to the meeting, Richard. It was important to me."

"Thank you for inviting me, Caroline. This is a part of your life that you've shut me out of for a long time."

"I know, I know… I've tried to keep these two parts of my life separate because… I don't know. Maybe I was embarrassed. Maybe I was ashamed about my weakness. Maybe I thought you wouldn't understand. I mean, only another alcoholic can really understand."

"That may be true, Caroline. But I'd like to try."

"I know" said Caroline, as she stopped and tenderly touched his cheek. "I'm sorry I shut you out." Changing tone, she queried "So, what did you think?"

"Well Caroline, I'm glad you found a program with structure, and people who understand and support you."

"Yeah. It helps. They help."

They started walking again, silently.

After awhile, Caroline asked "Did I detect a note of skepticism?"

"No Caroline, no! If it helps you, it's absolutely wonderful!"

"But you don't believe in it?"

"For help with your problem, what I believe doesn't matter. It's what you believe that's important" Richard responded.

"Granted. But just out of curiosity, what do you think is wrong with AA?" she asked.

"Caroline, I really don't want to…"

"Please Richard. What you think is important to me."

"Well okay" Richard answered reluctantly. "I had heard of the "12 steps" before, but I had never seen the list of steps before tonight."

"And…?"

"Overall, I'm quite impressed with most of it, and anybody who has the guts to follow it through" he said, as they stopped, and he stroked Caroline's hair. "I mean, it must be quite wrenching to upend your way of thinking, your actions, your entire way of life."

"It is" Caroline admitted. "But it's necessary. Did you know that, once addicted, an addict's brain's pleasure center is wired to directly respond to the substance she's addicted to? That's why I'll always have the craving, and no matter how long I stay dry, I'll always be an alcoholic." She then prodded Richard to continue "So you're impressed with most of it, but…"

"But… Caroline, are you sure we want to have this discussion?"

"Yes, Richard."

"Well, okay. But… the part about surrendering yourself to a power higher than yourself… They're obviously talking about God. But I've always believed that God, if he exists, helps those that help themselves."

"If God exists, Richard? Don't you believe in God?"

"I may quip a lot, but the truth is, I'm not sure. Or if he does exist, I think sometimes he likes to look down from heaven and laugh at our foibles, and sometimes play tricks on us. On me, anyway."

"Richard!" Caroline exclaimed, appalled.

Noticing how disturbed she was, Richard quickly added "But, even I have to admit, if God does exist, he's created a lot in this world that's wonderful. Like you" he said, tenderly stroking Caroline's face.

"Oh Richard…"

"Religious beliefs can't be verified, Caroline. You either have faith, or you don't. There's no objective proof. I'll be the first to admit, my beliefs could be completely wrong, there's no way to know. I have no problem with people who believe differently than me. What bugs me are people that have beliefs, and think that their way is the only way, that there is no possibility that they're wrong in any aspect, that anybody who disagrees with them is either an infidel, a heretic, or a fool."

"Well, I agree with you about that" said Caroline.

"Uh huh" thought Richard, making a mental note to himself.

******

Richard had been seriously thinking about his relationship with Caroline for awhile. He loved her, of course, and wanted to be with her always, but something had always held him back. He thought Caroline cared for him also, but worried that some day she would realize that she was too good for him. After Julia, he wanted to make sure they'd be together for a long, long time. Richard knew that he and Caroline are different types of people, and that they had their differences. But, by accident, they had had some discussions in recent days about those issues which often come between couples. Those discussions had made him certain that the differences they had, were differences that they could live with.

Richard still felt guilty and ashamed that he had abandoned Caroline when she needed him most, and vowed that would never happen again. He remembered that night, two years ago, when it all started…

 - - -

It was dark in Richard's apartment. Richard and Julia were in bed, sleeping. Suddenly, the sound of the telephone ringing pierced the silence. Richard got out of bed, stumbled over to the table, and picked up the phone. Annoyed and half asleep, he answered "Somebody better be dead."

Richard heard Annie's voice on the line. Her tone was grave and harsh. "Richie, you're gonna answer the phone that way once too often, and live to regret it."

Instantly awakened by the tone of Annie's voice, Richard became frightened. "Annie! What's the matter?"

"It's Caroline… she's been in an accident."

Richard's heart stopped when he heard those words. "Oh my god, oh my god. Annie, is she… is she…?"

Hearing the fear in Richard's voice, Annie softened her tone. "No Richie. Calm down, she's alive. Her injuries are serious, but she's not in danger of dying."

"Thank god" Richard said, finally exhaling. Regaining his composure, he asked "So, what happened, Annie?"

"I'm not sure about all the details. Caroline came over crying, 'cause she and Trevor had broken up." Some part of Richard's brain rejoiced at hearing that news. Annie continued "So we went to a bar and started drinking. But I had to leave, 'cause I'm singing at a club. She was gonna come watch, but she wanted to finish her drink first. Next thing I know, a waitress at the club was giving me a message that a friend of mine had an accident, and was in the hospital."

"Oh my god!"

 - - -

That's when it all started. Caroline came home from the hospital addicted to morphine, used there to kill her pain. When she lost access to it, she switched to booze. Personally and professionally, Caroline got worse and worse as the months rolled by, until finally, Eagle Greeting Cards went bankrupt. On Julia's insistence, Richard cut himself off completely from Caroline after they stopped working together. But the truth was, even before then, Richard had withdrawn from Caroline. When she tried to talk to him about her problem, he would freeze emotionally, do his work, and couldn't wait to leave. That feeling still gnawed at him, every time he thought about her drinking. But that day, the day when Caroline came back into his life, the day Charlie brought her to the apartment, Richard vowed he would dedicate his life to doing what he could to make her life better. And now…

******

Caroline and Richard were in his apartment when they heard a knock on the door. A nervous Richard quickly jumped up. "That must be the take out we ordered. I'll get it."

Caroline moved towards the table. "Let me get some money from my purse…"

"No! That's fine, my treat" Richard quickly replied to a confused Caroline, as he opened the door.

"Delivery from Happy Garden" said Tim, a Chinese lad. He had a conspiratorial grin on his face, and winked at Richard as he handed him the boxes.

"Thanks. Here's your tip. Now get out of here!" ordered a nervous Richard.

"Five bucks! Gee thanks!" exclaimed Tim. "Good luck" he whispered and left.

"Why did you give him a five dollar tip? It's only take out" asked Caroline.

"Oh…uh, he was especially prompt and courteous tonight."

"Uh huh" Caroline said, dubiously.

Later, towards the end of dinner, Caroline picked a small plastic bag with her chopsticks out from the bottom of the box of Cold Sesame Noodles. "What's this?" she wondered aloud. Caroline wiped the sauce away from the outside of the bag, and saw a ring inside. She gasped, turned towards Richard, but he had already moved to her side, down on one knee.

"Caroline…" Richard started. Before he could utter a second word, Caroline was already crying. "…I've loved you for a long time. Maybe, in some ways, from the moment we met. I've been thinking of asking you to marry me for awhile, but after Julia, I was extra cautious, I wanted to be sure. I thought I loved Julia, but as it turned out, I only loved my fantasy of Julia. But I love you Caroline. I know you, with all your problems, and I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Caroline. Will you marry me?" Richard asked, as he offered her the ring.

Caroline began to hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably. She got up and said "I'm sorry Richard… I can't… give you an answer right now." Crying, she got up and ran out of the apartment.