Caroline in Richard's Mother's Womb

Chapter 18

Richard sat in his apartment in a state of shock. It had taken him quite a bit of nerve to ask Caroline to marry him. He had known for a long time that he loved her. He felt she cared for him also. He had convinced himself that they could be happy together. He had finally overcome his doubts about his inadequacies.

But now, those doubts were gnawing at him again. "I knew it!" Richard thought. "Caroline wants a friend to support her. She wants someone safe to have a good time with. But when it comes to 'forever' she wants someone who's not such a loser! Why did I ever think Caroline would want to marry me?" he thought dejectedly.

After feeling sorry for himself for several hours, a thought crossed Richard's mind which sent him into sheer panic. "Caroline! Oh my god, Caroline…! She left here under pressure from me, her supposed rock of support… left here agitated, upset, and alone... She'll want a drink. I've got to find her!"

It was Friday night. Richard had planned to propose, and then spend the whole weekend with Caroline, celebrating. Now all Richard could think of was, it was a whole weekend Caroline could spend on a bender. Friday night… he called Annie, Del, even Charlie, all out. "I've got to find her" Richard thought, as he went out the door. "I'm stupid, stupid, stupid! If she comes to harm…"

Richard went out, and checked every nearby bar, until five a.m., when the last bars closed. He continued checking for two more hours, looking into alleys, by stoops, into every little corner where she might curl up and drink, but with no luck. He finally gave up. "I can't do this forever. I've got to get some sleep before I continue" he thought, then went home.

……

Richard got home, and there was Caroline, sitting on the edge of the Murphy bed, slumped over, hands in her face, staring straight ahead. "Caroline!" he exclaimed.

"Richard…"

"I've been worried sick, Caroline. I thought you were going to start drinking."

"So did I…" responded Caroline.

"Where did you go?" Richard gently asked, as he sat beside her, and puts his arm around her.

"I was scared…" she said, as she started weeping softly.

Richard started gently rocking with her, back and forth. "I'm an idiot. I put you under too much pressure. I can only see that I want you… I want to be with you, forever. I shouldn't have pushed. I can see why you're scared. You're scared of being stuck with a loser like me. I abandoned you when you needed me most."

Caroline confessed "Oh honey, I'm scared… not of being stuck with you, but of disappointing you and losing you… I'm afraid of losing control of my feelings again. I'm afraid if I love you completely, then lose you again, I'll fall apart… Every day, I want, I crave a drink. I'm afraid if I stumble again, you won't want me anymore, and leave me again. And I couldn't bear that… Everyone thinks my problems started the day of the accident. They didn't, they started the day you married Julia. I thought I could, but I just couldn't deal with the fact that I had lost my sincere amore... The drinking just made things a lot worse... The last time I thought that I had lost you, I fell into a pit I thought I'd never get out of." Caroline was crying as she finished.

"Caroline, I have something to confess to you also. When I abandoned you, it was only partly because of Julia's jealousy. The truth is, when you started drinking heavily, I got scared… I looked at you, and saw my mother… a doper and boozer who made my childhood miserable… I was afraid you'd be like her, making impossible promises one minute, forgetting my existence the next… But that's no excuse, I'm so sorry I abandoned you." Richard barely got the last sentence out through his sniffling.

They sat there silently, holding each other, rocking back and forth.

Caroline stopped rocking, and turned to face Richard. "Richard… let's face our fears together."

Richard smiled weakly. He got the ring out of the plastic bag. "Does that mean you want this?" he shyly asked as he again offered her the ring. "You know, this is the same ring I gave Julia. She sent it back with the divorce papers, said she didn't want anything that reminded her of me. I'm sorry, I couldn't afford anything else" he apologized. Richard gazed directly into her eyes, and again asked "Caroline, will you marry me?"

"Oh Richard… Yes. Yes, I will marry you" Caroline said through her tears as she put on the ring, then gave Richard a tender kiss. "I don't care if Julia wore it before, or how much it costs, I love it" Caroline said as she admired her new ring. "I love it 'cause it comes from you." She briefly reflected on her troubles and smiled. "All my troubles of the past two years… maybe that all had to happen to lead me right to this moment. I can't tell you how happy you make me. After all I've done, I can't believe I deserve this happiness. Do you remember, I once joked that we were family, and another time I asked if this was my home?" Richard nodded. "Well, now we are family, and this is my home." With perfect contentment, Caroline sighed, then kissed and embraced Richard.

The End